To think it’s not that easy to leave a marriage

I like my dh but I do think it would be hard to leave if I wanted to.

Dh and are are financially dependent on each other I think. Mumsnet seems full of people in couples whose essential bills could all come from either person so each person is independent. But we seem to need both our salaries.

The cost of housing is so high round here .A one bed flat is 1400 a month to rent. we are trapped in this locality due to an ehcp and a very unusual school.

Of course it's hard to leave but leaving an abusive, toxic , unhappy marriage is always the best decision . Am here sitting in my home peacefully without the anxieties I used to experience in my marriage. Freedom is happiness. It may take longer . I have a daughter and I always advise her to work hard in life to ensure she has financial independence in the future .

This is why my financial independence is important to me. Admittedly I have no children so it's somewhat easier but I do feel for those trapped in awful relationships for financial reasons (and let's face it, with this economy I expect the statistics are quite high).

Sorry, no, it's very easy tomleave a marriage and relationship.

Open door, walk through door. Done.

Staying because of money is mortgaging your happiness and limited life on earth. No thank you.

Unless there's violence / abuse etc. no one should stay in an unhappy life / marriage.
I'd rather be on my arse and broke as fucknthat tolerate shit from some cunt.

Honestly, as someone just going through divorce in their 40s. I wish id never got married. It never made an ounce of difference to me. We both worked full time, similar wages. Both have pensions etc. we both kept separate money/wages. Its just a ball ache to ask permission from the judge/system to get divorced. Its a load of bollocks

what i would say is to anyone- be self sufficient and always stay that way. Plan for the unexpected

I agree to an extent, but the prospect of paying half or more of your monthly take home on rent and utility bills for a one bedroom flat isn’t an attractive one for many in difficult relationships where there’s two incomes coming in.

I see more threads where I think the poster is minimising the problems.

I think the definition of "decent quality of life" has inflated astronomically n recent years.

There are constant LTB comments for the most innocuous of situations all the time.

There really really aren't. And I feel very sorry for what kind or relationship anyone who thinks this is in. Every single time, it really isn't hard to read between the lines when you see an awful snapshot of someone's life.

It has never been harder to have a decent quality of life on one income unless you have low or no mortgage / rent costs.

I have seen a lot of threads from women who don’t want to leave because they enjoy the lifestyle their DHs money gives them.

It’s not that they wouldn’t be able to leave, they would just need to budget more which many people aren’t willing to do.

As someone who lives alone on a low income, I will never understand this way of thinking, as I would rather be happy than have a wealthy lifestyle.

I think it’s so important to be financially independent.
No one should ever rely on another adult.

That being said I think some MNers jump to LTB too quickly sometimes.
They forget that this is someone’s life who needs to think about housing and childcare etc.

I had a feeling you were going to mention money and yes you are absolutely right. What do you do if you’re alone even with a job and a few grand in a ‘running away’ fund? Go in a houseshare with randoms spending £500 a month in rent (average price in my northern city?). It won’t be any easier with kids.

I’m sorry but it is absolutely NOT a gross exaggeration. There are constant LTB comments for the most innocuous of situations all the time.

Stay with the abusive arsehole for financial security or leave and be worse off financially.

Personally I chose losing alot of money to dump the abusive arsehole.

It’s hard to leave a marriage. I did after nearly 30 years, my kids were both married, and I’ve never been happier.

But, it shouldn’t be underestimated how much stress and financial chaos it involves. And, never listen to LTB advice on the net - just listen to what your mind is telling you.😉

I left 3 years ago. Well he left. I was skint for ages and I earnt most money. I had to buy him out. I worked 7 days per week for 1 year to enable my salary to be higher to buy him out I did wfh though I was knackered I really was. But it was worth it. It's not easy at all. Everything falls to me main thing is insure everything ensure you have home emergency with 0 excess as part of home insurance and good family.

Were they married?

I would never become financially dependent in the first place. Have always prioritized having options.

We also see on here situations where the ex gets 50/50 custody and kids are stuck with an appalling parent (and new 'step mum' who resents their existence) for half of the time. I know someone who lost custody of her daughter to her awful ex who alleged parental alienation in the family courts. Losing my DC is my worst nightmare.

This is why (young) women need to be financially independent, so they're not trapped with someone who doesn't give a fuck about them apart from having a cook and cleaner around.

One of the many reasons why women (as it usually is women) need to retain financial independence. No one said splitting up was easy - I agree it’s not - but if you have a job and money coming in it’s defo easier.

Ps I always say i now have a house ' with a garden' because it was the one thing my daughter and I missed in our flat, and when we moved in to our house we danced around the garden with our dog singing 'our house. In the middle of our street' which is something my exhusband would have thought was embarrassing!

On the threads where women are asked if they regret leaving, there is one oft repeated response 'I only regret not leaving sooner.'
So on the unhappy relationship threads, responders see themselves in the op, and the ltb response is one of overwhelming encouragement and support that the op can do it. Like the responder wishes they'd done sooner.

Sometimes though what you think is going to be horrendous isn't. I didn't leave for years and years in a really unhappy marriage precisely because I thought I'd be so much worse off, couldn't cope etc. In the end he left me for someone else. I never would have left. As it turned out, yes it was hard for a while, my self and my daughter lived with my mum and dad for 3 months then lived in a flat for a year while the money was sorted. Turned out to be the happiest time of my life, gaining freedom and independence. I worked which made it easier and I would always always advocate that now, keep some means to fend for yourself. If you were to say to my past self if you split up you'll move back in with your mum and dad and live in a rented flat, I would have thought that was awful. It wasn't! It was uplifting, amazing, and i now have my own house with a garden, independence and I want to tell my story to others. My only regret is I didn't do it myself years ago.

Of course it's hard to leave. It's not the easy option, but having your own freedom is priceless.

I will probably struggle financially for a long time, but I appreciate every small thing I have and my life is so much better now.
I work hard to provide a good life for my daughter and I'm a different person to the one I was when I left 10 years ago.