To not want my baby left alone with FIL

Showering with a 10 year old? Absolutely no unsupervised visits.

Just stop.

i had this feeling about my mil and ignored it “for the sake of the family” and only for the support I received on here questioned myself when things got really dark and (on the advice of mn) called social services on inlaws about something that happened to my children when in their care.

trust your gut. Keep your child safe above all else.

I haven't been abused, had a fantastic childhood and great involved grandparents but I find his behaviour weird and ott. He has no boundaries and that's due to no-one setting them. Op needs to be vocal about what she's opposed to e.g when he talks about feeding him all that crap, say no you won't and repeat. The red flag for me is showering the 10 year old, that child is old enough to do that himself unless he has other issues

All bloody annoying but the showering things is creepy. I can't understand why any parent would be ok with this!

Occasional sweet treats are one of the joys of being a grandparent, feeding them crap at every opportunity isn't. Your husband needs to nip this in the bud now even of it's difficult.

No that's weird as hell. I have a 10 year old and he would be affronted if I said I was going to shower him. He's showered himself for quite a while and at that age they deserve privacy and should be encouraged. I'd feel the same even if this was grandma

There's a current thread on sexual abuse.Mainly in the family.
I think your FIL is dangerous.
Boundaries have been crossed.
I would never leave my DC alone with anyone displaying this behaviour.
No one ever gets over CSA. Don't risk it.

If the 10yo goes into school and says that grandpa was in the bathroom with them while they showered, school would be duty bound to make a safeguarding referral for it.

He's making my skin crawl too. He is massively over-stepping in a really unhealthy way. All his decisions relating to his grandchildren's diet are unhealthy and wrong and he should certainly not be voicing any negative views on your breast feeding. He sounds creepy and narcissistic and is going to extreme lengths to try and make himself 'number one' in the lives of all his grandchildren.

Step back completely and never leave your child on their own with him.

The showering thing is weird.

The rest sounds like he’s trying to be the fun, exciting, favourite grandparent who the kids will love. As a kid I’d have found all the fizzy, sweets and craziness very exciting and fun!

Sounds like too much though and he’s not respecting parents boundaries.

That’s not what op said

Wtf? Anyone who thinks his behaviour is perfectly ok hasn’t had as good an upbringing as they think.

Eh? No abuse at all in my childhood because my parents understood boundaries and anyone coming into the bathroom when I was showering would (1) be unheard of and (2) be seen as them clearly being a weirdo and never seeing us ever again.

Omg please advocate for the 10 year old and stop him doing this!! Hugely inappropriate

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

An enthusiastic gp doesn't explain this at all.

Enthusiastic gp's want to be part of dgc lives and they absolutely know that working with the parent rather than against them is the best way to remain in a dgc life.

Nah. Mum always gets final say. And it is creepy behaviour.

Are you the grandad?

This is so so creepy. YANBU to take a massive step back. Why the fuck is he allowed to shower the 10 year old? What does your DH say about that?
Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason - listen to them!

The showering his 10 year old grandson is a big red flag. You are right to keep your Ds from being alone with him. Soon as you can talk to your Ds about saying no to things he doesn’t like and say you will ALWAYS back him up 100%. Just in case. It sounds worryingly like your FIL is grooming the kids to think he’s more their friend than their own parents. Hope I’m completely wrong.

Keep him away from your child.

Are your DH & his siblings/s afraid of their father?

Everything you've written suggests a family where FIL has always been overbearing, and intrusive.

Touching you, watching his grandson shower, putting things in your child's mouth, dictating what they eat.

Nobody seems allowed to have had any form of boundaries with this man.

Creepy as fuck. The point is, your instincts are shouting. You're uncomfortable, unhappy and worried.

So your husband should be standing between his father and his wife and child and saying NO.

But he hasn't clamped down on this behaviour or protected you from this man.

This isn't adult/adult behaviour, it's adult/child

This does suggest there's a lot going on here. I'd say end the visit as soon as possible, get yourselves away from him, then speak with your husband about his own childhood and just why you feel so uneasy about what's happening now. And limit future interactions.

Practice your own statements, get used to saying No, and do it.

I can't stand bullies.

Honestly I think you're being far, far too weak so far!

Why on earth aren't you saying 'Give the baby to me now - he's crying and I want him back'? Or 'No, he won't be having sugar or crisps next time - not till he's much older. That's our choice.' Or 'Don't put the ipdad in front of him - I don't want him on screens'. 'We don't use a dummy - stop that please'. YOU are your child's parent and their advocate. Get it together and stop allowing him to stamp all over your boundaries. That's what being a parent should look like.

To be fair to your fil, most of your long list of grievances are really about an excited grandparent looking forward to being able to actively do things with their grandchild, others are more a case of things changing, giving rusks at 4 months was normal even 25 years ago. The shower thing is more concerning but context is everything, did the grandchild ask his grandfather to stay with him? At 10 not all dc are comfortable operating the shower (mine were fine at home as it was simple but they couldn't work my mums main bathroom one for years so had to use her en-suite one.). The foods situation will be family dependent, having been out yesterday at an event where there were lots of small children, the absolute crap very tiny kids were being fed would make this list seem mild, saw coke being put into a bottle even!!!

Monitor it but an enthusiastic grandparent explains most of this with changed times

Sorry, but your FIL sounds unbelievably creepy. These art YOUR DC: if you decide no screen time or sugar, then so be it, and if he chooses not to abide by that, don’t go and see him. I am speechless about the shower episode. I’d be going as low contact as I could reasonably manage, and telling your DH in no uncertain terms why. Don’t let him behave towards your children in a way you don’t like - they are too young to advocate for themselves, so you need to be firm on their behalf. Your FIL’s behaviour is not normal, and I would be v upset by it.

What does your DH think?

Different families have different levels of normal when it comes to nakedness and kissing/cuddling so I wouldn't necessarily think there was anything wrong with a man seeing his grandchildren in the shower

You honestly think there is nothing wrong with a grandfather seeing his 10yo grandson naked in the shower on purpose?