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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my baby left alone with FIL

192 replies

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:31

I’m at the end of my tether with my FIL and want to know AIBU. I have a 4 month old and the reasons I have are:

  • He is extremely full on with all 3 of his grandchildren, wanting to constantly play, hold etc to a level that isn’t normal.
  • He has never shown any interest in me as a person, never asks me any q’s about myself, knows hardly anything about me due to this. He only talks about himself in conversation with everyone.
  • When I was pregnant he decided he was coming for a week when I gave birth, then another week 2 weeks later (this never happened as DH stepped in) without caring if I felt comfortable with this - he stated he was coming on my due date to stay nearby, which I was extremely uncomfortable with as I knew the baby was unlikely to even arrive then and he’d be there waiting for me to go into labour. When I saw him while pregnant he touched my belly in a way that also made me feel really uncomfortable like he wanted the baby out asap so he could have him.
  • With the other grandchildren, he feeds them an absolutely WILD amount of sugar all day every day. The 2 year old GD he feeds literal crap, offering milky ways, bars of chocolate, cakes, eclairs, fizzy drinks te list goes on and on. This is fine, however, with our DS he is already saying he can’t wait to give him these same foods without even asking if this is ok.
  • In same vein he is saying that 4 month old needs weaning now, he’s hungry, making “mummy isn’t feeding you enough” comments to him when we are at dinner table with him. I am BF and don’t feel he likes this. Keeps saying “next time you come you’ll be having farleys rusks/lollipops/chocolate/crisps” - this makes me feel extremely anxious as I want to wean him onto non sweet foods first and don’t want him having this type of food at just 9 months old which is when we will next be staying.
  • He also has been sitting DS in front of the 2 year olds iPad which she is obsessed with - going “watch the pad! Do you want to watch some TV?” While DH and I don’t want him having screen time.
  • while holding him he starts crying and he actively avoids giving him to me, I think it annoys him that he is crying and he tries to either walk off holding him or give him to SIL. This makes me angry - he is obsessed with trying to settle him himself
  • He acts slightly annoyed when baby needs to nap during the day and I take him off to nap, saying eg “he had a 2 hour nap this morning isn’t he done for today?”
  • He keeps undermining me, I keep saying baby is teething (as he is - HV told me) and he keeps saying “he’s chewing his fists he’s hungry” and “I don’t think hes teething at his age” to SIL in front of me, though I keep reiterating he is.
  • He has been showering the other 10 year old grandson which I think is really weird and uncomfortable, a level of involvement that is far too intense and I don’t want my son being treated like this. With the 2 year old he is literally like a kid in a candy shop all day trying to be the centre of attention with her, shouting and constantly trying to clutch onto her.
  • Hes been asking to look after my DS alone for upcoming weddings we have, and acted annoyed that I said I don’t want to leave him yet (I am actually leaving him with my mum as I do not trust him or want him alone with my son)
  • He has also been ramming and holding dummy into my sons mouth when he cries, which makes me feel upset and I have now stopped him doing this by saying we’re only using dummy for nap time.

All of this honestly is making my skin crawl and I really don’t want my DS having much more to do with him as I feel like he is extremely strange and also has zero respect for me as his mother and us as parents, assuming he will be doing these unhealthy things with our son. I have said to DH I don’t want him looking after our baby alone until he is much older.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
FairCat · 09/02/2025 13:11

More red flags than a row of bunting. This is, at best, narcissistic behaviour not to respect reasonable boundaries for responsible childcare.
No one's wants or feelings are more important than the welfare of children.

You are right to be concerned, trust your instincts.

Moremillshake · 09/02/2025 13:11

At 4 months old, I couldn’t leave my baby with anyone.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 09/02/2025 13:08

Get him out your life asap. This is awful. Why are you even asking if you are BU. Of course you're not. Why's he touching you when pregnatn. Vile. Please go no contact. Even if he's not the predator he appears to be, what exactly is he bringing to the table in your family life? I don't understand why you're even questioning it???

CellophaneFlower · 09/02/2025 13:08

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:44

Yep this happened last night and was the final straw in what has been a very annoying week - apparently he was just giving him his towel according to DH but I could hear him with him in the bathroom talking to him for more time than I’d even deem necessary for his privacy. I think he was in there for a while which is so strange and unacceptable when he’s 10.

Show quote history

There's a lot of "think" and "apparently's" here though. It does sound like you didn't fully witness this and are making assumptions. He could have passed him a towel and stood with his back to him whilst finishing what he was saying.

I can't be sure of this man's intentions as I don't know him but it definitely sounds like you hate him and whatever he does now is going to set you off.

The touching your stomach as if he's trying to get the baby out sooner? What does that even mean? He was forcefully massaging it? Touching you in any way is not ok without permission but the way you've described it sounds really strange.

Also, you seem fixated about how he is with your son. Was he/is he not like this with your daughter?

Cattery · 09/02/2025 13:04

Engleberthumper · 09/02/2025 12:03

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

Show quote history

Excuse me? You couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never been abused by anyone. What a ridiculous assumption. The man is quite clearly overstepping boundaries. The OP has a gut feeling that she needs to heed. HTH

MrsWinkly · 09/02/2025 13:02

Immavet · 09/02/2025 10:34

Showering with his 10 year old grandson?? Please never let your child with him at any age. Oh my god.

Agree. This is so, so wrong.
What on earth is going on - why would anyone let 'grandad' do this??

OP trust your instincts.

Fabulousfeb · 09/02/2025 12:58

My Mil whom I had a strained relationship touched mine without asking and at some point said "oh there's nothing wrong with grandma touching the bump". It's not for her to declare that at all.

Op he sounds awful you don't have to put up with this

ScaryM0nster · 09/02/2025 12:56

I’m just going to make the gentle comment that nakedness is perfectly normal in many cultures and societies.

Go to Finland and swimwear is banned in public saunas, showering naked before using public pools is mandatory. Naturist groups, including ones with family’s are alive and well in the UK.

It’s not appropriate to judge a full situation solely based on their perspective on being naked in front of family members.

A lot of comments here have applied their own prudishness onto a situation in another household and immediately decided it’s criminal. Each to their own on how comfortable they are, but need to consider the wider reasonable range before jumping to conclusions.

custardpyjamas · 09/02/2025 12:48

Christmasmorale · 09/02/2025 11:24

He's hiding in plain sight. The fact that he was in the bathroom alone with his naked 10 year old grandson for longer than necessary without being called out and reprimanded by the adults present shows two things:

  1. Your husband's family will NOT do what is necessary to protect children in the family from grooming and predatory behaviour so it's not ok for your child to be left alone with your FIL even with other adults present because adults in the family (including your DH) are not willing to speak and even make excuses for his highly inappropriate conduct.
  1. His grooming of his other grandchildren has worked and he has either "successfully" normalised his predatory behaviour to the 10 year old grandson and/ or created a family environment where his grandson feels too afraid to speak out knowing that none of the other adults will stand up to grandad.

On that basis not only should you never leave your child alone in your husband's family's care, you should also drastically reduce supervised contact with FIL to the minimum level possible (once or twice a year) so that his inappropriate behaviour does not become normalised to your child.

Do we really have to jump from an over indulgent, overly involved, opinionated GF to he's an obvious paedophile. He sounds difficult, a bit of a pain, lacking in boundaries and I think getting him to stick to the op's rules is going to be a challenge but I wouldn't go further than that, unless you have information we don't.

Has the op's DH said there was abuse in the family when he was young?

Immavet · 09/02/2025 12:46

Pasithean · 09/02/2025 12:12

That’s not what op said

Show quote history

That's fair, I misread, and it is different. Although still a red flag for me!!

Cosmosforbreakfast · 09/02/2025 12:45

Don't ever let your child be alone with this man, ever. Stop letting him 'tell' you what to do, stop letting him do what he wants about ipads or dummies. Tell him to fuck off and mind his own business each and every time. You would be far better off keeping him out of your house and your children well away from him altogether. Tell the 10 year old's parents about him being alone with their naked child in the bathroom. Your husband needs to support you and just cut him off, this creep will only cause you more and more problems unless he is just not in your life.

Airbrhdhdh · 09/02/2025 12:44

trust your gut. Get your husband to set firm boundaries as you don’t want to have to deal with any outraged PIL. My husband is a wet lettuce and did not at all. Inappropriate times - taking DC out and not coming back for hours when I was BF. Feeding things the Dr has diagnosed a food intolerance to. Giving them gobstoppers to run around with at soft play. Etc. Just did not care at all and then verbally attacked me as if I was unreasonable. DC now hardly spend time with PIL and my marriage is in tatters.

Amba1998 · 09/02/2025 12:43

LottieB1994 · 09/02/2025 10:44

Yep this happened last night and was the final straw in what has been a very annoying week - apparently he was just giving him his towel according to DH but I could hear him with him in the bathroom talking to him for more time than I’d even deem necessary for his privacy. I think he was in there for a while which is so strange and unacceptable when he’s 10.

Show quote history

Please tell me you have highlighted this to the 10 years old parents?

thescandalwascontained · 09/02/2025 12:40

Red flags everywhere!

What does your husband say about his dad's behaviour?

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 12:39

Engleberthumper · 09/02/2025 12:03

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

Show quote history

Don't be ridiculous. It is totally weird for an unrelated man to touch a pregnant woman's belly without her consent and to comment on her breast feeding her baby in ways that make the woman feel really uncomfortable and freaked out.

He sounds attention seeking and overbearing rather than loving.

Coloursofthewind2 · 09/02/2025 12:34

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 11:33

Different families have different levels of normal when it comes to nakedness and kissing/cuddling so I wouldn't necessarily think there was anything wrong with a man seeing his grandchildren in the shower

You honestly think there is nothing wrong with a grandfather seeing his 10yo grandson naked in the shower on purpose?

I don't think there would be anything wrong with my dad seeing my 8 year old son naked. Maybe in a year or so that will change but 10 doesn't seem outrageous to me.
It does make a difference if op thinks there is something off and grandad has gone in there on purpose but that's to do with trust.

C152 · 09/02/2025 12:34

You need to trust your insticts, OP. FWIW, no, I wouldn't leave my child alone with this person; nor would I stay in their house at all.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 12:32

Engleberthumper · 09/02/2025 12:03

The worrying thing about all of this is that so many are calling him a weirdo. The ones calling him a weirdo are looking through the lense of their own life experience and they have probably been abused by their parents or close family sadly.

From my end of the lense, having come from a loving, abuse free childhood, I tend to see him as a loving, involved grand dad.

But, from the comments on here and elsewhere on mumsnet I am constantly staggered by the level of abuse " mums seem to have suffered during their childhood. It is a national disgrace.

Show quote history

my childhood and adult life was safe and happy and I think this sounds weird and dangerous. I think you sound naive.

Mnetcurious · 09/02/2025 12:29

Yanbu, I definitely wouldn’t leave my child alone with him.
When he tries to interfere in future, you need to be much more firm “I know you mean well but I know my baby best and he is teething/is not hungry/does need a nap” etc as well as “we’ve decided based on the advice we’ve read that he won’t be having sweet things for a long time but you’ll be able to give him an occasional treat when he’s much older”. “Appreciate the offer to look after him but we’re not ready for that yet [no need to add that you never will be where he’s concerned]” Let him know you’re not going to let him get away with any nonsense or try to control the narrative where your baby is concerned.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 12:29

"The younger generation seems to understand this and older generation seems to dismiss it as a silly modern idea in my experience, asking children for permission for a hug instead of just grabbing them and squashing them while they're trying to get away. This is something I've had to explain within my own family."

Please don't do the "younger/older generation" thing I am 70 and i don't touch any human (or pet come to that) without their permission. I was taught this by my parents who didn't allow me or my siblings to be pawed or man handled.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 12:28

ScaryM0nster · 09/02/2025 11:18

You are being totally unreasonable because it’s all about
‘i’
’my’

Its ‘our’ child and your husband gets a lot of input into how your joint child interacts with his family.

Most of what you’ve described is pretty standard grandparent behaviour, and current at the time your husband was raised.

As with almost all things child related, there are many ‘ok’ answers and only a handful that are actively wrong.

Giving kids sugary snacks occasionally isn’t a disaster.

He gives his grandchildren ridiculous and unhealthy amounts of sugary snacks every time he sees them. I'm a grandparent and I certainly didn't give my children unlimited amounts of sugar when they were young and I follow my adult children's instructions about what my grandchildren can and cannot eat.

Older people are capable of learning how to care for grandchildren in accordance with today's health/safety/dietary advice. OP's Fil sounds like a narcissistic nightmare.

Starlight7080 · 09/02/2025 12:27

Is the 10 year old your child ??? I would report and avoid this man at all costs .
All my kids showered alone way before 10.
That's not good on any level.
Stand your ground and put boundaries in place.
The majority of sa is done by a family member or friend of the family.

fghbvh · 09/02/2025 12:26

Christmasmorale · 09/02/2025 11:24

He's hiding in plain sight. The fact that he was in the bathroom alone with his naked 10 year old grandson for longer than necessary without being called out and reprimanded by the adults present shows two things:

  1. Your husband's family will NOT do what is necessary to protect children in the family from grooming and predatory behaviour so it's not ok for your child to be left alone with your FIL even with other adults present because adults in the family (including your DH) are not willing to speak and even make excuses for his highly inappropriate conduct.
  1. His grooming of his other grandchildren has worked and he has either "successfully" normalised his predatory behaviour to the 10 year old grandson and/ or created a family environment where his grandson feels too afraid to speak out knowing that none of the other adults will stand up to grandad.

On that basis not only should you never leave your child alone in your husband's family's care, you should also drastically reduce supervised contact with FIL to the minimum level possible (once or twice a year) so that his inappropriate behaviour does not become normalised to your child.

Yes, I completely agree

katepilar · 09/02/2025 12:26

Sorry you have to deal with all this. No wonder its making your skin crawl.

He sounds he must have had a hard life if he is drawing attention to himself this much and in such a stupid way, not understanding babies' and toddlers' needs at all.

fghbvh · 09/02/2025 12:25

Don't leave your child alone with this man - ever. Not even to step out of the room for a minute.
There are some very disturbing behaviours from him and I personally don't trust him at all.