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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship or Baby

209 replies

MarimarD · 09/02/2025 10:19

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

OP posts:
MayonnaiseClyde · 09/02/2025 10:51

Would you consider donor eggs or adoption? If so, I’d go for it; if not, I’d try to make the best of what you have.

CatStephanie · 09/02/2025 10:44

I can completely understand the sadness and fear of childlessness having been in similar situations.

My advice would be to really think about what you want.

Would you really be happy choosing to walk away from your partner who sounds fantastic? A life that sounds quite happy, apart from the of course huge hole that involuntary childlessness creates?

Would you really rather be a single parent? Would you rather give up your happy relationship and life for a possibility of parenthood that may not materialise? Would you be able to raise a child with health problems or disabilities by yourself?

Only you know the answers.

Have you had therapy? I think talking through these issues with someone who understands and who is neutral is really helpful in situations like this.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat. Life is very tough sometimes.

Brenzett · 09/02/2025 10:36

YANBU OP.

you might be the 20% it works for.

Also, you might have some good/interesting experiences on your IVF journey even before you have a child !

Glorybox2025 · 09/02/2025 10:35

I'm sorry but it's more likely you'll end up alone with no baby. At your age I'd try to make peace with the choices you made that led you to be child free at 43, and practice gratitude for what you have. Finding a good relationship in your 40s and beyond isn't a very easy prospect.

hazelnutlatte · 09/02/2025 10:34

Are you sure that you actually want children? From your OP it sounds like you are worried that you might regret not having children in the future but that's not the same as really wanting a child now.
Think about what it would really mean for your life going it alone with a child at 44 - is that what you want? If yes, then you need to try ASAP. If no, then your life sounds pretty good as it is.

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/02/2025 10:32

I think going alone and trying for a baby is not unreasonable. However I would be assuming going forward my life would be without a child because realistically it won't happen. And then if the child happens it's an added bonus. If you would be happy using a donor egg it's more likely I think. So have some thoughts about a future single you e.g new hobby, travel, fostering in addition to IVF

BlondiePortz · 09/02/2025 10:27

What do you think is best for a baby?

vivainsomnia · 09/02/2025 10:27

20/25 % definitely at best. I wouldn't do it myself. You do genuinely get over never becoming a mum and you will become closer and closer to your SCs. One day, you'll become a grandma and that's great too.

A wonderful man is very very very rare. Cherish what you've got.

TheseCalmSeas · 09/02/2025 10:25

Annoyingly it’s not really a logical decision but I would always opt into trying rather than regretting not.

I’m 40 and going through IVF at the moment. I do wish I had started earlier but hey ho! If it doesn’t work out, I will be going down the adoption route.