Relationship or Baby

I really feel for you OP.

At 43, you’re chance of a successfully pregnancy is likely to be around 3-5%, unless you’ve a family history if excellent fertility

I agree with others that you should both check out your fertility and also have some therapy. It will help you make peace with whatever choice you come to.

it may also be worth one final discussion with your partner.

Alone and no baby. Together but no baby.

Which one feels best op?

Even if you get the baby, 18 years and then your either alone again or likely find another man who doesn’t compare to the great one you left to chase a baby.

Fgs you have three children in your life op, treasure them

There is a very real risk you will end up alone with no baby.
It is also possible you will be a single parent to a child with significant SEND, the risk goes up for older mothers.
You could consider counselling?

In your position I would get fertility tests done and see what a clinic says your chances are. Then you'll be better equipped to make your decision.

Only you can know if not trying is a deal-breaker or not for you. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

I am a GM of a DGD of 13. I am in my late 50s. A significant number of my DGDs friends mums are in their early to mid 50s. Throughout my DGDs primary school and now secondary school, which I have been very involved with (school run, due to both parents working), quite a number of mothers at the school gate are closer to my age than my DDs. Things have changed, younger women are choosing not to have children and women are choosing to have children when they are older. I also think that women are looking after themselves better and as a result some women do have modern day attitudes about lifestyle and health. My point is why not go for it if you really want to! Only you can decide about the relationship. Since I had my own DD, I have had 2 meaningful relationships after her father. I am now happily married but I have always had my lovely DD in my life.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5270881-is-45-too-old-to-have-a-baby?page=2&reply=142031071

You may find this thread useful (are you the same poster?)

It would be a different situation if at 43 you were unexpectedly pregnant. However realistically, you'd need to split now, get over that, go through treatment a few times. You could be 45/6/7 before you got pregnant which seems very low chance. Then you'll be alone with a child to raise at that age. Are you prepared to sole parent a child with SEN or severe disability? That's a big thing to consider, imo , at this age.

Good luck

At 43 20/25% is very generous, you're looking at more 5% I think, unless you have tens of thousands of pounds to keep chucking at round after round, but even that probably only buys you marginally better odds. Donor egg/embryo would make your chances better but this needs a lot of thought.

It depends really on how accepting you'd be of the outcome of no relationship and no child, which is probably the most likely scenario to unfold. If you're comfortable with that and still think it's worth the risk then you've got your answer. If you're not, I'd stick with what you've got and have some therapy to support you through the adjustment of not having a biological child.

Only you can decide op.

I agree that it sounds irrational. You can either give into the urge - which you could maybe get therapy for to overcome - seems its biological urge over what you wan. Desire v want - and it is very difficult to let go of a desire.

I know a few people who were adamant about the number of children they wanted or having kids, but then became step parents and found that was just as fulfilling (depending on the set up and how often you see them).

I don't think it's 100% definite you would conceive at 43. As someone else suggested you could get a fertility test done.

Have you had any fertility tests?

I think 20% is incredibly optimistic and the most likely outcome is you end up single with no baby and for me statistically I just couldn’t go for them odds. But I’m aware I’m not the sort of person to dwell on a what if so it’s an easy decision for me, and no one can really advise you on how bearable you’ll find all the potential outcomes.

YABU. If you were 33 I would say differently but you have left it very late to want to make this decision to be honest. I think you are mad to want to trade a loving partner, with three lovely step kids for the life of a single mum and no support.

Even if your DP changed his mind, which sounds unlikely and tbh his position sounds sensible, it could be a difficult experience trying to have a DC with him and might well not be possible.

Weird question, which doesn't make sense. There is no baby.

Sadly your odds of having a biological DC with sperm donation and fertility treatment are likely to be low, 20% seems over optimistic.

Not having children and having the positives of a children life is one thing.

Not having your own while making the endless compromises and sacrifices of step parenting and living a family life but never being a mum is a completely different thing.

If you knew you wouldn’t have your own would you still want to stay with him or would you rather be childfree on your own or with someone else who also doesn’t have any? That would be my calculation.

I was a step mum before having my own and had an extremely hard time staying pregnant.

My gut reaction is that you should leave it as well. You’ve had many years when you could have taken the route you’re considering but now you’re entering your mid forties and realistically, it’s unlikely to happen now.

It would be really unfair to pressure him. He has been straight with her from the beginning and does not owe her a child.

Is there any way your DP might change his mind about kids after realising how much you want them ?

You will be 60 (or older) when your child turns 16. Do you have the financial stability and good health to have a child or twins as a single parent in your 50s and 60s? You’ll have high child care costs as well. How are you pensions cos you’ll have less free cash than most to put while child is young?

Personally unless you are mortgage free and financially very stable I think you’ve left it too late to go it own through choice (rather than people that have to due to relationship breakdown / abuse / widowed)

The heart wants what it wants. You’ll never get over not trying for a baby if that’s what you want.

OP I'm 53 with a DD15. I will have to keep working way beyond the time I want to because I had her late as a lone parent. Honestly I'd make peace with not having kids if it means going it alone at your age unless you are wealthy.