Relationship or Baby

If you can afford to go it alone, do it. There’s no saying you’ll stay together anyway.

I really feel for you OP. Reading your post you seem like a lovely person, as does your husband. Weighing up everything you've said, I do think you may regret giving up the relationship. Motherhood is very difficult and lonely even when you have a partner to share it with. I do think there is a lot of fulfilment to be had without having children but also understand the urge.

One thing I would say is that there are a lot of posts on here - including some on this thread - that make women feel terrible for having children after the age of 30. I had my first at 33 and currently pregnant with my second at 36. I didn't necessarily consider this old but those kind of posts make me feel a bit down sometimes when I read them. I think realistically most people have children when they are able to, for whatever reason. I do appreciate it is harder in your 40s but I know many people who lost their parents at a very young age due to illness etc - none of know what is around the corner at any point.

If I was pitching motherhood to someone, I would pitch it on its absolute worst day - warts and all. If they still fancied it then, I'd say go for it.

Whatever 🙄. OP’s partner is a grown man, I’m sure he’s capable of making decisions for himself, and doesn’t need you moralising about what’s best for him.

OP, YANBU.

At the end of the day no one can make this decision for you , as IVF is gruelling and you need to think about how you will cope with the disappointment if it doesn’t work out.

However , with regards to the relationship-
I wouldn’t choose any man over the opportunity to have a child, if having a child is what you want. The relationship may not last anyway and of course there are always other fish in the sea .😉

Ignore all the judgy posters saying you are too old and the baby needs a “dad”. 43 is a perfectly normal age to get pregnant and plenty of kids grow up all kinds of parent/ family configurations. All any baby needs is a least one person (and preferably more) who will love and take care of them ❤️
xx

Please think about this from the point of view of the potential child as well as yourself OP. My mother was 37 and my father 39 when they had me (I have a sister and brother 11 and 8 years older respectively, I think I was a surprise).

My parents have always seemed older compared to my cohort, which was ok when I was younger but just something I noticed really.

I am 37 now and my Dad died in 2022 after a sudden and brutal decline over a couple of years (a Parkinsonian disorder). My mother was blindsided and is now quite reliant on me for all ferrying about and medical/emotional/social support which I have found very hard. At 37, most of my friends parents are still living and well and independant so I have felt quite alone in this. And I have two siblings! But they are busy raising their own families and I don't have or plan children so most of the mum stuff falls to me.

I don't want children so my circumstances are different to yours I would advise you not to do it from the point of view of your potential child. From their point of view you are too old even if you had a partner to raise them with, far too old without one.

Lots of people start to get serious health and mobility problems in their 70s when your child would only be in the mid 20s, perhaps not even independant, with likely no siblings and no other parent to help or lean on, it's just not fair on them.

Don't throw away what you have, no one can have everything and it sounds like you have something quite precious now; a loving relationship. As someone else advised I think a pet would be the better road to go down.

I think you should do it. If you're comfortable with being a mum at 43+.
It might not work, but try.

What's to say this amazing man changes his mind in a few years and leaves you. Or it just doesn't work out for other reasons. People break up all the time, you can't guarantee the relationship is forever.

I actually think if he loved you as much as you love him (enough to be childless) he would at least consider supporting you through IVF and supporting you after, child and all. You are willing to make a huge sacrifice, he's not.

Absolutely this. It would be bloody cruel and selfish to expect this of him, expecting him to be happy to be the fallback if the IVF doesn’t work.

I wouldn’t. I’m 47 and would not want to be looking after a toddler or a young child again now. Perimenopause is real! I’m achier and more tired than I used to be.
Then there’s the higher risks of a child with additional needs. Plus the greater chance of complications in pregnancy and the birth.
Then there’s your health as you age. Rates of chronic illness and fatal or life-limiting illness rise as we go into our 50s and 60s- and that should be taken into account especially as you would be a single parent. What would happen to the child if you were taken ill in your mid 50s? Even early 60s they’d still be very young.

It’s easy to see the grass over there as greener than over here, but honestly given your lovely relationship I would try really hard to be grateful for the field you’re in right now. I wanted a 2nd baby and it wasn’t possible, I found a kitten cured me of broodiness. Maybe you could get a kitten or a puppy?

“…and I would have my family around”

Have you asked if they would help you, or is this an assumption?

I'm sorry but I think that any fertility clinic taking your money for treatment with your own eggs at 43 is acting in bad faith. It might be different if you were trying naturally.

I wouldn't trust a clinic giving you that advice and those stats with a barge pole. PGTA testing is not recommended other than in the eventuality of recurrent miscarriage. Transferring tested euploid embryos has not been shown to give you any better success rate in terms of live birth and there is a fair amount of concern amongst some in the industry it's widespread use is resulting in a lot of unnecessary embryo wastage. Robert Winston and his website the Genesis Research Trust, alongside the HFEA site, are reputable sources of evidence based information.

I would make this decision on the assumption you are choosing between a life with him and no biological child vs. life alone, likely with no biological child, but with a chance to have a go at having one. Financially you could be looking at a £50k plus bill in no time at all, it is very easy to underestimate how quickly costs can spiral.

Do you really want a child? I don't think that anyone who does gets to the age of 43 and suddenly decides they do. Not having the opportunity or not meeting the right person etc is different but I don't think you really do if you've had more than 20 years of fertility and never bothered. It's fomo I think and a bit of a mid life crisis which is common.

This is asking a lot of this man. Imagine having to comfort her through failed IVF attempts, having her heartbroken it didn’t take while knowing if it DID take it would be the end of them. Not fair to ask this of him at all. You can’t have it both ways.

"At the same time I wouldn’t want to alone forever even as a single mum, I would want to meet someone eventually."

You do know how hard it is to find a half decent man in your 40's'/50's don't you? Well multiply that by 100 when you're a single parent. Even if you met a decent bloke you've got to put your child's needs first, eg will he make a good co-parent, does your child even like him. Your life and decisions are no longer 100% yours anymore once you're a parent OP.

I would definitely count your current blessings. There is a definite risk of no baby, no lovely partner with ready made family you are part of, or a baby with significant health issues and you having to be their carer for the rest of your life. Not to mention being an elderly parent unable to retire.

I am 11 years older than you with a 20 year old child. I wish I'd had my DD earlier. Friends who did are able to start making retirement plans whilst I still have uni fees and my mortgage. The poster who asked what is best for the (possible) baby asked the correct question. Is what you want a good thing for that child? Being 60 with a young teenage child could be very difficult. And very expensive. You will not always be able to work at the pace you do now. You would probably be sacrificing your retirement. I would think very very hard about doing this.

Can you try therapy? Really spend some time talking it all through.
Based on my own experience I have a very strong opinion here, but that doesn't mean my opinion would be right for you. A therapist could really help you explore all angles. Don't rush into anything either way. Good luck!

I think intentionally bringing a child into the world without a father (or at least another parent) is insanely selfish tbh.

43 is far too old . Your going to chuck away a nice relationship for something that probably won’t happen at your age - madness

I really think you have left this too late now. It’s one thing to have a child in your mid forties, but it’s a whole other thing to become a single parent in your mid-forties, throwing over a really good, loving relationship to do so. Going through IVF on your own, dealing with a newborn alone, parenting a teenager alone. It will be exhausting. How will you work? Can you afford it? Are you fit and healthy? What happens when menopause kicks you under a bus while you have a very active pre-schooler? I do not think this is the time to start feeling broody.

It is fine not to have children. Really fine.I would not even contemplate throwing away what you have now on the slim chance there might be a baby one day.

Gosh it’s a difficult decision as your DP sounds like a keeper, however if this is something you’d deeply regret then your relationship may not work anyway as you would become resentful.

The chances at that age are slimmer and IVF is a gruelling process and emotional rollercoaster , but if it’s what you want then I wouldn’t let you put it off.

My last round of IVF I was 36 and whilst I had 16 eggs only 2 fertilised … I was lucky to end up with my youngest DS.

If my fertility was better I would probably go again on my own (I’m now 44)

If you’d consider donor eggs your chances would be increased.

I think your DP needs to understand that he’s already had children, and whilst I get why he doesn’t want more it shouldn’t just have to be you that makes compromises.

Good luck xx

I think YABU, sorry.

You shouldn’t have got into a relationship with this man if you knew he wouldn’t want kids and that you weren’t sure.

If you leave him, it’s not just him but his kids you’ve messed around.

If you don’t get pregnant, then what?

If you do get pregnant, you’ll be on your own and it’s physically tough to have a baby at an older age. I vote to stay put and enjoy your stepkids.

Would your relationship be strong enough to tolerate you trying for an IVF baby and only leaving if you have a successful pregancy?

This is tricky because involuntary childlessness is one thing... but IC when you didn't have a chance to even try is another (and the resentment may impact your relationship). I'm happily married and DH has two children from previous relationship. We are not having children which was a joint decision - I do sometimes worry about waking up one day and regretting it (I am entering my late 30s) but I could regret a lot of things and either way my life will be meaningful. I have a career I love, lovely DSC, a DH I adore (we have a great relationship), I have interests etc... my life is full and I am happy. Step kids will be off to uni etc and we will be in our mid 40s and the world will be our oyster. I would not trade that. It's quite a lot to leave a great life to pursue something that may never happen and could be irresponsible in terms of knowingly having a child as a lone, older parent IF you do not have the financial means to support them/something in place if you fell ill etc. If you got pregnant at 45, you'd be in your 63 when they finish secondary school - also something to consider. This is a bit of a ramble but just putting my thoughts down.

I'm an optimist, but there are a number of factors here that make me say no - don't do it!

Going by the odds, the chances of you ending up with a straight forward, easy conception process, and a 'good' parenting experience are, realistically, pretty slim. Miscarriage, infertility, loneliness, a child with long term health issues, financial vulnerability in raising a child alone, potentially being forced to delay retirement... there are so many ways you could end up seriously regretting the decision to go this road.

Plus, just three years ago you were happy to never have children. IME, perimenopause hormones can seriously mess with our heads... and having a child just in case of the fear of regret later is not a good enough reason to ruin your otherwise lovely life.

If your circumstances were different - if you were single, and had always been desperate for children - in other words, if you had nothing to lose - then I would say go for it. But in your circumstances I think you would stand to lose too much. I say try to get through this short phase of longing and then enjoy the rest of your life.