Relationship or Baby

@LauritaEvita i totally agree with you.

OP, rather than “holding you while you are in floods of tears”, if he really loved you in a non-selfish way, I think he would be encouraging you to follow your heart, even if that meant giving him up.

IVF is really really hard on your body. I would have said go for it at 43 (it's not that old) if you could conceive naturally.
I have an example of a friend who had her only child through donor sperm at 43 and is doing just fine. And I have an example of a friend who had a child through IVF (with her husband) at around the same age and f-ed up her health royally. I personally wouldn't want to put my body through IVF at all.

I've been where you are. I spent years of my life trying to get pregnant with IVF. Do not throw away a great relationship for the very outside chance you'll successfully have a baby to respond to what sounds like a hormonal panic. Look at what you've got in your life - it's rich and full, do not focus on what's missing.

If you're dead set on it, could you come to some compromise where you use a sperm donor (and probably egg donor too realistically) and so it's your child, but you form a blended family in the same way you're part of his kids lives but they're clearly his?

You’d be crazy to end this relationship over this (imo). This urge is just that, a hormonal urge, (and I have been there, the urge is very real and very powerful), but do you really want to lose a happy relationship with a lovely man? When there’s only a small chance of having a child anyway? Only you can answer if it’s worth it.

You are being unreasonable because you are calling Artificial Insemination by Donor (AID), IVF. FFS, can't you see how insulting that is to couples who have had a baby through IVF?

And a vasectomy reversal is nothing like as simple and straightforward as having a vasectomy. It requires a general anaesthetic for a start. And it’s not guaranteed to be successful.

I think you need to think carefully about the statistics you’ve been given.

Your chances will not improve by having PGT-A, it will just identify whether or not it’s worth transferring a particular embryo.

So you might have a 50% chance of getting an embryo that can be tested, then a 20% chance that the embryo is normal. That individual embryo would then have a much higher chance of working, but the odds of finding that embryo in your first or second cycle are not good.

I would recommend talking to a fertility counsellor who can help you find your way through this. My gut feeling is that you would be better off coming to terms with childlessness. But it’s not my life.

His power to change is to have a child he doesn’t want. Thats not fair either. His willing to support op even if that means losing her. His just not willing to have a child he doesn’t want.

I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children

If you decide to have IVF and it's unsuccessful (which the odds suggest it will be) you'll then also regret losing the love of your life. And for what? You know that this relationship makes you happy. You don't know that having a child would make you happy.

I honestly couldn’t cope with someone trying to comfort me about something they have the power to change. I see I’m getting push back on this in the comments but that’s the beauty of a forum- you’ll get a range of opinions. I know that I would end up resenting him. If other women think they could cope and carry on happy in the relationship, good for them. We’re all different.

Only you know how you feel about this so really it’s about trying to work your own feelings out. I do really feel for you as none of us ever know what is down each path until we take it. Wishing you some clarity of thought as you work your way through this.

Honestly I wouldn’t throw away a good relationship to chase what’s very likely a pipe dream from hormonal last hurrah.

He was perfectly clear from the start. He even has a vasectomy. The fact he would stand by you while you attempt to get ready for ivf meaning the end of your relationship shows how much of a good guy this chap is and let’s face it finding them among the assholes is hard.

A single mum to a ivf baby so no childcare really because all these friends and family who shout they would help really won’t or drop off fast…. So being honest here you won’t even have chance to date for many many years as you won’t even have eow free, unless you want to be the type of mum bringing new men home every few months, or paying for regular overnight babysitters and hotel rooms.

Then you’ve got to find one happy to date someone with say a teenager and who’s a genuinely good guy or you’ve got to try and find one once your child’s an adult, or just settle for settling for a kinda guy a women goes… well he doesn’t hit me…

If he has had a vasectomy, he doesn't really have a choice any more if he wants more children. It's a hard decision but I would probably stay together whilst having IVF (as it has been discussed as an option).

Exactly! The flip side is OP doesn’t love her partner enough to give up the baby dream and be happy with him and what they can have together. Keep in mind, this man also has to consider his existing children. He has 3. It’s absolutely fair enough for him to not want more. To not want to put his children through a much younger sibling they can’t bond with. To not want to go back to nappies when he’s all but finished and got his own DC out to school/uni etc.

OP’s decision is very emotional and personal. That’s fair and there’s no judgement from me, she needs to do what’s right. But anyone saying this man, who has clearly thought and decided based on many factors, is in the wrong for not just going for it is off their rocker. All we see on MN are men impregnating women all over and not bothering their arse after. Or not considering the implications on current DC, or any other manner of thoughtless male behaviour. Actually think it’s admirable he isn’t caving based on emotions.

When this relationship started and he said this was a firm line not to be crossed, OP agreed.

He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his life at all. What a silly thing to say. The man is innocent of any wrongdoing here in his choice not to have any further children. It is OP who is moving the goalposts so any compromises are hers to make.

you say you never had a burning desire. you met him aged 40. I'd be thinking about what you have done in your 30's to try and conceive. it may be that you are now just at a point of needing to grieve what you never had.. and embrace what you do. You'll do whatever you want to do, irrespective of what anyone says here. But at 43 it's a difficult age to suddenly spring into action. ...
Could you just let him know you are not using contraception, that it's down to him. That way, you are honest about your desire.
Lots of women in their 40s may feel like this.. but it doesn't always mean you need to throw out everything that's good for a chance on something that may not be. Maybe it's just the start of mourning, and loss and acceptance

Quite.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that a man who doesn’t want a fourth baby doesn’t love someone enough. If the tables were turned we wouldn’t say that OP doesn’t love her partner enough to make a sacrifice for him.

But this is totally unfair. He expressed from day 1 that he has his children and will not be having more. Would you say the same if OP revealed he already had a vasectomy?

Imagine the genders reversed! Man wants baby, woman already has 3 from previous marriage and doesn’t want to go through it all again. Has said this from day 1 of the relationship but man has the urge and wants a baby now. Says he will leave his partner to make his dream a reality. Woman feels now she must have his baby and agrees, just to stop him leaving.
Insane.

The bit abut getting a kitten or puppy to cure misery involved in involuntary childlessness... whilst I know this is well meaning, it's actually really insensitive. Having a pet gives you something to focus on and love but it doesn't cure broodiness. OP doesn't have one child like you did so it's a different situation. Again not saying this to criticise but it's important for us to all reflect on our language and the things we say.

You need to reframe this totally from “giving up a relationship to have a baby” and giving up your relationship to raise a child. The having the baby part isn’t a difficult decision. It’s romanticised, beautiful, a miracle. Yes, you believe it will “fill a hole” in your life. Sure. But let me tell you, it’s a long and painful, lonely bloody road going it alone.

I’m all for people choosing to do this, but if you think the baby is going to fill the hole you’re absolutely wrong. You clearly enjoy having a partner, and say you have a good one. What happens when the hole he leaves behind is too much?

I understand the urge, I really truly do. But you should want to have a child because you want every stage, and no matter what. Disability, SEN. First milestones when you turn around and can’t share it with anyone. It’s a lot to think about.

You say you have a deep emotional connection. What does he say about the pain you’re experiencing by being in this dilemma? I would find this very hard to deal with and it would dramatically alter how I felt about my partner. He would rather lose you to go off to try to have another man’s baby than try to give you what you most desire and do it together? I don’t think I’d be describing him as wonderful.

You are willing to make a huge sacrifice, he's not

Also 100% this. Especially don’t sacrifice for a man who won’t sacrifice for you x