Relationship or Baby

You said 43 is too old. So I assume there's an age that isn't too old to consider what the OP is considering.

@Crushed23 there isn't a cut-off, if all comes down to personal circumstances.

OP has laid out her particular circumstances and asked for opinions.

Where's the cut-off for this kind of reasoning? 41? 39?

Also, why are so many people leaping to tell the OP she won't have a chance of finding a relationship with a child in tow? Plenty of single parents find a partner. The 50% of married couples who get divorced don't all stay celibate for the rest of their lives.

Getting pregnant with another man's child... seems odd, in a relationship. It's a shame he's that certain he doesn't want a child that he won't consider it. But, it is his right and he was clear.

IVF behind her partners back. Type of women who would come off the pill without a word to have an oppsie.

Schrodingers baby

Do you really think her doing this won’t damage the relationship?

IVF behind her partners back?

Yeah, that's not realistic. IVF is hugely time consuming, time pressured, invasive, exhausting, involves lots of medications, appointments.

She can't do it behind his back.

(Not even touching upon the morality of doing what you're suggesting).

Why don't you do ivf and if you get pregnant then you tell him knowing it will very likely break you up, but you'll have a baby, and if you don't get pregnant then you can keep the nice relationship?

Personally, the fact that you're only recently feeling this yearning suggests to me that it's the human nature thing of wanting what you can't have.

As a pp said, if you were 33 and wanting this, the answers would be different.

But due to your age, I would say no, for the following reasons:

1. I think this yearning is because time is running out. I think if you genuinely wanted a child you'd have known it, years ago. I think this is just a cruel trick that nature plays on women of a certain age.

2. IVF is hard. Very hard. And your chances of success are low.

3. if it is successful, chances of disability / SEN are high.

4. child will be brought up in a single parent family, with an older mother and no siblings. Yes, that is the reality for some, but it's not ideal.

5. you would eventually like a relationship. Realistically, that will be very hard, for many years, if you have a child.

Sorry OP, I can understand how you must feel, but it's a huge gamble and I just think 43 is too old.

I would sacrifice a man over having a child every time. I speak as someone who struggled with fertility being left etc etc and moved heaven and earth to have a child and it was definitely worth it all.

Tbh I would see if you could pursue ivf and maintain a relationship until it works. Even and this is v bad of me behind his back! He has nothing to lose you do.

Yes but now she’s experiencing a deep sadness about it and has been in floods of tears about it. That’s not the same as someone who’s feeling like they don’t want kids but worried that they might regret/ change their mind later. Those are two very different things. This article is addressing someone in the latter state of mind.

What does this mean?

Yes a disabled child would lead to even more issues for the op no matter how much she wants or loved her child. The fact she also doesn’t want to be alone your then talking of finding the rare good man willing to take on a fatherless child who’s then also disabled. Thats when she could actually find time to meet said man.

She said in her OPthat she never felt a burning desire and accepted it when her partner told her he didn’t want any more children. She also said she’s afraid she will regret not having children, rather than that she now has a burning desire.

I took the post to mean having a disabled child would add a significant, life-changing level of complexity for a lone parent. Not that a disabled child is any less precious.

Yes but this is about women who don’t want children worrying about regret.

OP does desperately want a child. That’s the difference.

if you do, they could be disabled

!!!

And…?
Would that mean OP would love them less and more readily trade them for a man?

OP this may be worth a read if you really fear regret.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

This. I suspect those who say they’d never give up the chance to have children have never actually been in a really happy relationship.

Threads like this always make me think I'm living in a parallel universe from the rest on MN.

I see plenty of women having babies in their 40s all around me. And although I don't know all of them well enough to be sure, I suspect most of those pregnancies are not with a donor egg.

It might be low odds but it's hardly "extremely unlikely". My understanding is that it's a 5% chance with each cycle if trying to conceive naturally, so presumably a little bit higher with IVF where they implant embryos directly.

Worth a shot if that's what you want, I say.

I think you would be absolutely crazy to give up a happy loving relationship to try and have a child. You may not manage to have one or, if you do, they could be disabled.

So many of my friends regret having children and almost all of them are divorced. Me and DH chose not to have children and have been married 45 years. Still happy and still in love.

You have a poll and want different opinions so here's one from a (child free) 45 yo woman.
Don't ruin your life at 43, you seem to have common sense.
Have the relationship, if it makes you happy.

um no, she’s calling ivf ivf

But Ivf is the process that the OP would use (they wouldn't suggest IUI due to age) so the only real difference is that she won't have a partner supplying the sperm. It would be a donor. The rest would be exactly the same.

I know few solo mums by choice and it's been great for them BUT at 43 without donor eggs there really isn't a great chance.