Relationship or Baby

But AID is a different procedure I thought ? Apologies for my ignorance. But I thought AID was more like iui with donor sperm. Whereas what is being discussed is ivf potentially with donor sperm.

@Cornflakes123 , I'm not overthinking it.
I've seen many threads where AID (not involving IVF) has been referred to as IVF.
I've also heard people in real life suggest IVF to a woman who didn't have a partner. e.g. 'Why don't you have IVF Jenny, you'd be happier if you had a baby to look after.'

You are dismissing my opinion. ('Jenny' was a bit down because she was between jobs and had never expressed any interest in becoming a mother).

OP, I feel for you. I can completely relate to the feeling of being empty, having a hole that can only be filled by having a baby. I understand the pining, the longing, the grieving involved in letting go of the idea of having a baby. It's bloody painful, and it's no joke.

I'm 45 now, I dont have children and obviously that won't be changing. I always knew deep down that the reality of being a parent wasn't for me, but either biological or societal urges meant that I wanted one SO BADLY for years on end. Don't underestimate the power of either the biological pull or the strength of societal expectations that having a baby is the 'right' thing for a woman to do

You're having a massive wobble. It's no fun at all but it will pass. Absolutely no way would I give up a loving, nurturing, healthy relationship for a baby that I'm not even sure I want. No one is immune from regret being a possibility, parents very much included. Don't throw away what you have

I think that’s overthinking it. The two terms mean different things. As far as I know most people would say “ivf with donor sperm or donor eggs” if a donor was used. I don’t think anyone would automatically assume a child was conceived by donor sperm if someone said they have been through ivf. And I don’t think using the term ivf for a donor conceived child automatically means the parent isn’t going to tell their child they were donor conceived. The general public are not aware of all these technical terms I would imagine.

If I was your friend then I would be incredibly disappointed in you sharing that she feels this way about being a parent when it's so identifying to anyone who knows her thanks to your detailed description of her career. Very thoughtless.

Wow that’s so interesting and much better odds than I thought. People are so doom and gloom about ivf , but this says that the pregnancy rate per embryo transfer is more than a third!

No advice OP but this link might be helpful with regard to the statistics.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/jan/30/uk-fertility-treatment-comparison-tool-dashboard-ivf

I don’t understand what you’re saying here?

If a single woman wants a baby, she will need to use donor sperm. Whether that is by insemination or IVF depends on medical factors and personal choice.

If a married couple use donor sperm then the partner is legally the 2nd parent. It’s generally considered better for the child that they grow up knowing their origins from an early age. So knowing that a sperm donor was involved in their conception shouldn’t be classed as over-sharing by their parents.

Apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick in what you meant.

Yes that definitely can be true, and obviously it’s really important to think about all the hardships/ challenges/ sacrifices that goes into having children before making a decision to have them.

No but it does make the already difficult life of solo parenting even more challenging and tiring.

I agree with the posters asking you to reflect on the timing of this. You spent the last few years of your 30s single and childless, aware that time was running out for you to have a baby and seemingly not too worried about that (at least, not worried enough to start investigating these options then).

But now you're considering it, when you're a few years older (so the chances of success are significantly lower) and you're in a happy relationship which you would have to sacrifice (whereas previously you were single and could have taken this path with a lot less heartbreak and regret involved).

This seems to me like something that would be worth exploring in therapy. Could you possibly be self sabotaging your happy relationship? Apologies if I'm way off the mark. Just something to think about.

Exactly.

Have you had any fertility tests? To get an idea of how likely it would be to work?

You are certainly ”allowed” and totally valid to feel you are better off not having children for any reason.
What is not ok is making assertions/ statements that imply that disabled children are less valuable/ precious / worth the sacrifice / loved than abled bodied children and should never/ should never have been born. That’s just flagrant ableism , really harmful/ hurtful and also incorrect.

@Cornflakes123 She does mention IVF, and she would not probably get pregnant without doing so (or even by doing so), but the sperm would need to come from somewhere.

Using IVF to mean AID is using the wrong term.

If I were a child conceived by IVF, and someone told me my dad wasn't my real dad, I'd be devastated. I don't think I'd be happy if people thought my child was a 'sperm donor baby' if I and my spouse had gone through IVF.

Some parents overshare with their children, and then children then repeat what they were told e,g for bullying purposes. Misusing IVF for AID is common.

I think people like me (could not have children) are allowed to feel that they are better off childless than have a more than likely only child with a significant disability. I do see older couples around and about with adult children with significant disabilities, and do think yes that could have been me and DH and I’m glad it isn’t, relieved of the worry of what will happen to our child when we are gone, or we become too frail to care for them properly. .

Also a quick note to challenge the ableism on this thread. Having a child with a SEND does not automatically mean that you will regret the choice to have a child , that you would clearly prefer a man or a job, or that it obviously would have been better if you hadn’t had them at all.

Just a note that IVF isn't necessarily the route for single mothers by choice. Artificial insemination in a clinic with donor sperm is comparatively easy and far less complicated. I have two friends who went that route and both got pregnant on the first try. Over age 40 n both cases.

Neither of them has had a very good experience with motherhood but achieving pregnancy was pretty straightforward and affordable in both cases.

My point is that we are doing women a disservice if we pretend it’s going to be straightforward to have biological children by ivf in their mid 40s. It would be better if women knew all the facts and then they could make decisions over the 20 years leading up to this.

yes definitely.

The SIL shouldn't have been lashing out at people with children, she should be cross at society for not being honest and perhaps at a clinic took thousands of her money.

I think the point is that what was making her angry / sad was the realisation that she was never going to have children . It’s easy to say she should have done something about it sooner, but perhaps she was still hopeful that things would work out for her in a more traditional way. Aside from the financial (and other) barriers to accessing IVF, there is still a huge amount of stigma directed towards women who chose to have children in non- traditional ways (as many of the comments on this thread demonstrate) which may be a large part of why so many women are reluctant to take matters into their own hands until the very last minute when it’s clear that this is their very last chance.

In terms of “lashing out at people with children”, of course it’s not good, but I totally understand it. The reality is that being angry/ resentful in these situations is a completely normal and very common experience.
Perhaps part of it is this ridiculous and pronatalist social norm that pregnant women / women with children should be entitled to everyone else’s celebrations/ congratulations/ joy for them , for the achievement of reproducing. Why should infertile/ involuntarily childless women feel joy / happiness for others that they so easily have the thing they desperately want but can’t have? Thats a totally unreasonable ask- why do we demand it of involuntarily childless women? Why can’t their real feelings- not of happiness , but of anger and sadness, be acknowledged and accepted?

Perhaps if society had more understanding , acknowledgment, empathy, space for the grief / pain of being involuntarily childless and didn’t demand from these women the continued performance of unrealistic and inauthentic feelings, then there would be a lot less “lashing out”.
Those are my reflections anyway.

It is different though, because in one scenario they genuinely want to have and raise a child and in the other scenario they’re scared they might miss out on something and this is their last chance.

I say this so gently but I think the time for committing to becoming a mum had passed before you even met him.

I think tge desire is either coming too late or this is a step in your process for coming to terms with your decision not to be a mum, which was made before you met him.

You need support, not long shots.

Yes I feel desperately sorry for people in this situation.

My point is that we are doing women a disservice if we pretend its going to be straightforward to have biological children by ivf in their mid 40s. It would be better if women knew all the facts and then they could make decisions over the 20 years leading up to this. The SIL shouldn't have been lashing out at people with children, she should be cross at society for not being honest and perhaps at a clinic took thousands of her money.

But why do they want them? It's not like there are any selfless reasons, it's always for ourselves.

Having one because you're afraid you'll regret it if you don't is no different to having one just because you want one.

And keep in mind things can go wrong. I have a friend who had a great life as a journalist for Reuters. World travel, etc.

She did artificial insemination at 41. The son is 17 now and has massive special needs. She had to quit her beloved job and take a humdrum marketing position. She never again met anyone interested in a romantic relationship and leads a very isolated life wfh and tending to her teen. She loves him of course but to say she regrets her impulsive choices would be an understatement.

This.

61 and childfree here, with a great SO. No regrets.