Relationship or Baby

How are you getting on OP?

In case it’s useful, there is a substack which might be of interest, Solo Fertility in Your 40s. At 43 the biggest factor will probably be how many rounds you can manage. Clinics in places like Greece and the Czech Republic are often more advanced than UK clinics, cheaper, and make PGT-A testing of many embryos accessible.

Its selfish to want a child and know that most relationships end? Really?

This is such a selfish viewpoint.

you missed the point. choosing not to have children when you don’t want them is not selfish. What is selfish is demanding someone else gives up their chance to have a child to be with you (then divorcing them).

I would give it a real shot.
There is no time better than now.

Try your best for a child and if it's not to be you will not regret it for the rest of you life.

If you do have a baby, your now boyfriend will still be one of your friends.

Ffs. This is really starting to boil my piss.

a) you know nothing about me or my children.

b) acknowledging the challenges that come with raising a child with additional or complex needs is one thing.
Writing statements that OP would be crazy to give up a man to have a disabled child, or that no man would date a woman with a disabled child is disgusting.

c) you do realise that there isn’t only one way to be “disabled” , or one type of disability , or one way in which being disabled affects a person?

d) do you seriously think that all parents of disabled children regret their very existence and appreciate the kinds of statements that have been made on this thread?

“Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that disabled people require ‘fixing’ and defines people by their disability. Like racism and sexism, and includes harmful stereotypes, misconceptions, and generalizations of people with disabilities.”

“Examples of ableism… framing disability as tragic.”

https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/

All very well said.

It is far from "selfish" to decline being wheedled into fathering an unwanted child.

Jesus Christ. Sometimes I really despair at the cavalier attitudes here toward human reproduction. Most animals have more sense.

I have friend that agreed not to have babies if she wanted to marry him. She didn’t have babies and she’s now too old to have babies and they divorced. Life is a crap shoot. Go for what you want or you’re going to regret it for the rest of life. What selfish man to put that demand on you. The problem is, is that you were ok with it. Except it or get what you want

If having a baby had ever been that important to you, you wouldn’t have entered this relationship in the first place. Respectfully, I think this is more about FOMO than a deep, genuine desire to be a mother.

Being the single mother of a young child while in your early fifties sounds like a situation to avoid, not orchestrate. Also, if you do have a baby, you don’t know how that child will come to feel about not having a dad. As much as single parents by choice might try to happy-talk it, children who’ve never known one of their parents tend to see that as a void in their lives - even if all they want is just to know who their other parent is.

There is a massive difference between being a single mum in your mid to late 40s with teenagers/soon to be adults than having young primary age children. I'm 50 myself with a 14 and 18 year old and would be very reluctant to date anyone with really young children, that stage of life is past and you want more freedom, more time to yourself. I think it is frankly wildly realistic to consider oneself any kind of a catch with a 4 or 5 year old at 50, brutal but true. Much less when you are the sole and only parent and aren't even getting weekends to yourself. How would you even meet someone?

If you actually had a disabled child you wouldn't make these statements. There's often huge suffering for the child (often in chronic pain, needing operations and lots of medical input) and usually the parents split up leaving usually the mother alone to cope with completely inadequate support from the austerity ravaged public services, probably in penury because she can't work as there's no suitable childcare. Then there's the worry of what happens when she's gone and the child has to go into a care home which may be fine but may lead to abuse or neglect.

It's not about a disabled child's life being worth less, it's about the reality of the situation for those living it.

I would not do this at 43. Firstly you're too old, it probably won't happen, if it does it will be high risk both to yourself and the child. It isn't just about downs syndrome. There's a high risk of the placenta breaking down, of miscarriage, of still birth, of birth injury to yourself, of haemorrhage.

Secondly it's extremely hard and lonely being the single parent of a young child. You can't go out in the evening, you spend every weekend with your child, you can't go for a run or to the gym without the logistics and expense of childcare, other parents of young kids are doing family stuff at weekends so it can be very isolating. I'm in this position and often I don't speak to another adult all weekend. My kids are great but it isn't how I would choose to spend my forties - friends with partners are still able to go out in the evening, see friends, go for a morning run etc. Youngest is 3 so I will have another 5 years at least of an extremely restricted life. Perhaps that would be mitigated if you had keen parents or close family living in the same town and willing to do a lot of childcare for you.

Thirdly I don't think it's right to purposely deprive a child of a father.

If you were like 36 it might be worth splitting up and trying to find a new partner but at 43 and going it alone I really wouldn't.

What absolute and utter nonsense.

Plenty of people regret having children and plenty wish they had a romantic relationship in middle age.

OP is ahead of the game right now.

'If he truly loves you' - no one should be emotionally blackmailed into having a baby they don't want. And plenty of people do regret having children - not saying that it would be the case for the OP, but pretending it's all sunshine and roses isn't helpful.

How is it irresponsible advice, @Lottapianos ? She wants a baby. Most relationships don't last, but you have your child for life. Prioritising children over a relationship is sage advice. Explain what is wrong with it?

'If he truly loves you he will support you through this. Choose baby! You will not regret having a baby, but you will regret not trying'

That is really irresponsible advice

Go for the baby. Most relationships don't survive. But you'll always have your child (if you do conceive and chances are high you will by your tests). DON'T live with that regret. If he truly loves you he will support you through this. Choose baby! You will not regret having a baby, but you will regret not trying.

I thought that if your DD had a child, and you had planned a birthday meal for DGD, inviting SIL,DD & DGD, you also had to invite DGD's step-siblings who you barely knew too, because their DM changed her EOW arrangement that weekend. You should pay for everyone, even if it meant you went hungry for weeks.

lol that’s definitely not my experience of mumsnet!

Having IVF while in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a child seems unfair and likely to be damaging.

There is no way that this would not also impact your the children that your partner already has.

Supportive or not the reality of the situation is likely to be completely different to how you both perceive it to be now

@Lostcat , but this is MN where step-children should be treated as royalty,

For those saying cherish being a step mum, its nothing like the same

Agree. Of course it really depends on the circumstances of the family- in some circumstances it could be very much the same, in other circumstances it’s nothing like it at all. As a pp said, as a step mum in many cases you may just have the worst of all worlds- none of the joys of being a parent, but a partnership nonetheless constrained by children, and therefore without the benefits and joys of being childfree! I think OP should think very carefully about what their “blended family” situation looks like and how that is going to feel for her- people keep saying that the bond with her step kids will grow and even that she’ll be a grandma one day but there’s absolutely no guarantee that’s how things will work out for her family situation- very often that’s not the case at all.

Of course there are all kinds of considerations when a person is thinking of having a baby, and how they would manage if their child had additional or complex needs - and the chances of that - is one.
Thats not the issue, if that’s what pp’s had written in their posts , I wouldn’t have objected.

Final thoughts FWIW, your DP needs to be 100% clear on the level of sacrifice you’re making for him. It may be that your resentment tarnishes the relationship or it may be that he realises how much you love him to have chosen this life. He needs to ask himself if he can really step up. I’d hate to imagine you choose him, only for him to waltz off with some 27 year old woman from the gym in a couple of years and have a baby with her.

But OP’s partner made it abundantly clear at the outset that he didn’t want any more children and OP accepted that and they’ve had a brilliant relationship since. He’s blameless here. It’s OP’s feelings about children that have changed not his.