Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

I agree with this. My parents always had all their finances in common, so when my Dad's health started to fail my Mum had a pretty good idea how everything stood, but it was incredibly helpful that (a) they had sat down together and written it all down and (b) their paperwork and filing was in apple pie order. My Mum was nearly 90 when Dad died and absolutely knocked for six by the loss of her husband of over 60 years, after a year of being his sole carer, and not being in the best of health herself. Because we already had POA in place, I was able to take over managing most of the routine stuff on her bank account, credit card, savings, paying utilities and so on, at her request. Because they had made wills, the handover of all assets to Mum was pretty straightforward too, but what they wanted was pretty much what would have happened with the intestacy rules anyway. The single most useful thing was being confident that I knew we hadn't missed anything.

It also helped that my parents had also written down and discussed with us the funeral and cremation arrangements and had already purchased a plot for their ashes. At a difficult time, the less you have to think about, the fewer decisions you have to make, the better.

They are only mid 70's and you've been hounding them for years to make wills and funeral plans? So, since they were in their 60's? Wow. That's insane. No one wants to make a funeral plan, especially when you're in your 60's and healthy. If they die without doing wills, then you just follow the normal rules, it's quite simple.

We have no idea if FIL has a Will. He is late 70's and in excellent health - he's just back from a safari actually. He has lots of money, bonds, properties etc, and unfortunately his children have no details about any of it. We can only hope he has a file somewhere with stuff written down. If we told him to make a funeral plan he would laugh us out of town, he's far too busy planning his next few holidays!

I have LPA for an elderly relative. She's been in a home for years and I regularly get asked if she can have a flu jab or do I want her to have antibiotics. I can't remember anyone ever asking to see the LPA for health. Finance yes but not the health part. I have never thought about it before.

We haven't got joint accounts either but have our own money and savings so both of us would easily manage with the bills and expenditure while things were being sorted, I think the problem occurs if just one person has all the money and the other just has a small amount as is the case in some families.

@Iaminthefly

YANBU

I am going through this now - and yes it can happen at the same time with both parents because it is with mine.

You are right to be concerned. I don't know how successful you will be at persuading your parents to make plans though. I couldn't get mine to. If you have a sibling you need to agree a way forward now.

If not (and I don't) I would speak to a solicitor ahead of time (first consultation is often free) and find out what support they can offer you when the time comes.

In the meantime, and I am sorry to have to say this, you need to think about what you can/can't afford up front to underpin costs and whether or not there are things you will/won't pay for.

I have been horrified at how much extra stuff needs covering. We were not prepared, had thought plans were in place only to discover they weren't. A month in, we'd spent in excess of £1.5k covering immediate personal care needs, Deputyship application, and unforseen costs. It has only gone up since. Yes people will tell you, you can claim back from the estate but that can take months to come through and nothing is guaranteed.

People like this are selfish and stupid.

I’ve executed a parent’s will (just finished). It took a year despite having: simple assets, being under the IHT threshold, affairs in order - all paperwork left for me, no complicating factors at all. Everything was basic and only what “normal/standard” people have.

It will be a nightmare if they die without wills. They should be ashamed of themselves. They should have done this when they had a baby.

As per my pp, a funeral can be paid for once probate is sorted out. It’s quite usual for funeral companies to accept this.

And a P of A is only valid while the person is still alive.

As for funeral plans, some people have no particular wishes (I don’t, for one) so it’s up to relatives to arrange whatever they like. Of course it’s more convenient all round if someone’s specified it all and paid in advance - a childless aunt of mine did this, bless her - but neither of my parents, nor dh’s, had done any such thing.

My father died without a will. It was quite easy. You just follow the rules of intestacy, the same as you would have followed the will instructions. Quite often they are the same anyway. Wills also have to go through probate if the estate is substantial or includes property, so there's no real saving of time there.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Funerals are easy - the funeral director will advise you and the deceased's bank will release the funds. If there is no wishes to follow, just do whatever you want. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

I certainly wouldn't buy a funeral plan ahead of time - if the company goes bust, you've lost your money and I have heard of the plan not covering the funeral in full also, especially if taken out some years before.

I was talking to my dh about this sort of stuff last night and how we should make sure our wills are sorted and also what we'd prefer in the event of an accident etc. I wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines, I'd like to be an organ donor if I can etc.

We should talk about these things and put things in order, it's really selfish not to.

My grandfather died suddenly from a heart attack and nobody knew anything of his insurance etc and it made a really difficult time so much worse! The struggle to pay for his funeral. Then eventually his papers were found in the back of his wardrobe in a biscuit tin. My nan was so stressed out by it all but my grandad ended up being buried by the Council in a cemetery miles away.

Bloody ridiculous because 2 adults couldn't have a grown up conversation about death and paperwork.

The only thing that I think is essential is lpa, but you can't make them do that. You can explain.
With dmum I literally said to her, the only person you not doing this that will be affected is me. It will always fall to me, we both know this so please just do this one thing.

My mum always refused to entertain conversations about death. However…the situation we’re in now is also something to consider. Funeral plans, and wishes are one thing - but what about their wishes should they be hospitalised, disabled, unable to move or swallow, but breathing for themselves?
Getting Lasting Power of Attorney signed and registered makes it so so much easier for next of kin to influence treatment, and make sensible decisions in line with loved one’s wishes. I’d advise everyone to try to get LPA sorted - all their wishes can be noted and clearly documented. Would they want to be resuscitated? At what point would they want to refuse life-prolonging treatment, would they want active treatment with antibiotics or would they prefer to just let go? Would they want to be tube fed nasally, to keep them alive if they can’t physically swallow?
Nobody expects things like massive disabling strokes to happen to them or their loved ones, but unfortunately they can and do.

Unfortunately dying without a will can leave a slow expensive nightmare behind, especially for younger people who have dependents relying on the money. It's the most considerate thing you can do. It's absolutely not to be left until you are old. Also the POAs, we are in the middle of using those at the moment.

I have found an angle with my dad is to say "if you don't put this in order the government/solicitors will end up having most of it".

I’d be more concerned with how to help them if they lose capacity they should set up powers of attorney. By this point I’d arrange a solicitor to come and visit them at home. It doesn’t sound like money is the issue so even if the first time is a wasted visit it’s worth it to scare them of consequences of not sorting these things out.

The rules of intestacy will ensure once they're both gone you and your brother will inherit the lot

The male will assume he should have more.

Let Them is a nice money maker isn't it?

Doesn't that depend on how much money you have? I have money in the bank and so does DH. It wouldn't really matter if we had to wait a year. We'd also inherit half of each others pensions. We dont want joint accounts and don't need them. It isn't a bad idea for us.

I have had a hellish time due to my parents denial. Quite happy to share if anybody wants to message.
It helps if affairs are in order.

Look up ‘the rules of intestacy’, if their will would follow that then they don’t need a Will, and if they’ve got cash available then they don’t need a funeral plan, you just send their funeral invoice to their bank and the bank will pay it from their account. You don’t need their passwords, you just send the death certificate to their banks and they will then send you the forms to close them once you have got probate.

The bank will release funds for a funeral. It’s quite common for a funeral director to be paid directly from the deceased account. Obviously if there’s no money it’s harder but if there’s cash then funeral costs takes priority over everything else even debts.

It's infuriating, I agree. But you can't force people to discuss funeral plans. You're just winding yourself up, and you are not a mind reader.

When the time comes, get them a straightforward funeral service.

I hear you op.

My mum refused to engage with any discussion about POA or wills, despite facing some horribly serious health stuff. Unfortunately she died quite suddenly in the end and it fell to me (single parent, 2 dc, working full time) to sort everything out.

Funeral wishes became about practicality and affordability - in your case I suppose it depends on what the surviving parent decides after the first dies, but in the absence of written or verbal wishes (and without a pre-paid plan even wishes are just that) you will have to make decisions that suit the circumstances and finances at the time.

Without a will intestacy rules apply but there is no margin for 'id like the dgc to have £x, or aunt Carol can have the ring she's always loved'.

My will has been done since I was 40 and needs revising but the bones of it are still good. It's the best gift you can leave for your DC I think

My parents had no plans similar to yours op. It was a muddle to sort out. But there was no property to sell or money or inheritance to deal with so easier in that respect.

Yanbu about the wills.

yabu about funeral plans.

Undertakers will guide you through it all when the time comes if nothing else is in place, but if it’s stressing you, is there any reason that you couldn’t research it yourself now and have a rough plan in place for your own peace of mind.

How complicated is your family?
My Dad died without a will or funeral plan. Getting the documents to officially do anything was a bit of a pain but the funeral parlour made planning the funeral fairly easy.

To inherit, there was only my sibling and I. It was a lot of work to clear and sell his house, track down all his debts and assets etc but a will wouldn't have helped with that.

DH and I have wills but that's because there are step children involved who could otherwise be disinherited if he died first and I decided to run off with all his money.

@x2boys banks will release money to pay for funerals, especially in cases like this where all the estate is going to children.

Separate the two topics out.

There are pros and cons to funeral plans, and good reasons not to have one for some people.

There is no good reason not to have a will.

Talking about the two together is probably complicating things for you.

They should have wills (as should you) because not having one makes it very difficult for the people left behind. Focus on each other, if he dies then she potentially won’t be able to access anything joint or anything that’s his until has successfully proven that there isn’t a will.

It’s much harder to prove that there isn’t than it is to open the envelope and get on with following it