He has me in tears

Leave him

From other posts by OP she has referred to having a son and a daughter.

The sooner you get out the sooner you'll make friends, have nice life and be happy

It’s hard to know what to say in threads like this one because the answer is so bloody obvious.

You need to tell him to leave. Now.
Ask for your money back - you won’t get it, but ask for it anyway.
Get child support sorted out and NEVER look back.

This guy is scum. Scrub him off and move on.

he constantly threatens to move out
Then let him.

This is no setting for a child to be raised in - with an abusive, alcoholic, violent adult. You are showing your child that this is acceptable, and that you're happy to facilitate it.

Why are you with him?

I genuinely don’t understand why people like you would rather have a miserable life than just be single and happy.

I am a single parent and absolutely love my life.
My home is my absolute safe space. No matter how much my work has been stressful that day, or people have annoyed me whilst shopping or if I’m feeling unwell etc. I know for a fact that I will get home and be happy and relaxed.
No one spits at me or calls me names in my own home.

what is stopping you from being single?

This is one of the saddest threads of this nature I have ever read. It's shocking the way you are being treated. It doesn't have to be this way - please don't stay with him. Also what kind of role model is he to your child about how you treat your partner? And spitting?? Just no...

I feel so bad for you. The next time he says he will leave, help him pack and change the locks.

I am so sorry this is the normal life for you and your child. There are so many people out there who never dream of calling you rude names or belittling you in such a cruel manner. Being single would be better than living like this.

Your child is going to think this is how they should be treated by their future partner or how they should treat their partner. In a few years they will be treating you in the same way unless you stop this abusive, alcoholic horror being a role model for them.

What an awful situation you have there OP.
I'm cringing as I read him spitting at you, abusing you verbally, and being rewarded by you giving him your 'rainy day fund'.
Sounds like he knows how to get around you, and you've given up.

You have to take yourself by the hand, read your own post as someone removed from the situation, and show him the door as quickly as you can.
You have a child to consider too, that makes this situation more complicated, but more urgent ime.
You both deserve better than this, his behaviour is dreadful, you will feel so much better without him around to drag you down.

dear @zebraprintxmasdinner - I am sorry for what you’re going through..
I have learned the following from multiple MN threads on this type of behaviour.

Find your anger!!
Plan the end of your relationship - doesn’t have to be tomorrow - but start visualising it and how it will be afterwards and once he’s moved out.
start a list of practical details you will need to start working through to ensure it happens.
Contact Women’s Aid or other charity group that can support you and feed in to your plan.
Listen or read wherever possible to self help books or podcasts on building your resilience, self esteem and emotionally healthy relationships. Maybe people here will post things they’ve read that helped them find strength.

you need to be the star of your own life @zebraprintxmasdinner not a downtrodden bit part - this is how this dreadful man is making you feel.

Continue to post here for support but start to feel that anger today and take first small steps on making a change to your future.
Good luck xx

You need to break up with him lovely and learn that this is not how a relationship is and that you'll never let anyone treat you like that again x

He needs to leave

The man you are obsessing over at the start wasn't the real him.

That was when he was on his best behaviour to reel you in, probably there were huge red flags even back then that you missed.

The person you see now is who he really is, and he isn't going to change. If anything it'll get worse and become physical - he sounds like a very angry man.

Ultimately you have to accept he isn't going to change and decide whether this is what you want for the rest of your life - and realise that this relationship is being modelled as normal to your child. As a mother you should want to get your child away from this toxicity.

He has gradually ground you down into thinking you can't live without him - but look at all the women who leave abusive relationships and go on to have happy lives. You never see any women on here saying they wish they'd stayed in their abusive relationship do you?only that they can't believe they stayed so long.

The house is in your name so that's a good place to be in.

Oh my gosh this is shocking. Your poor child will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour and the cycle will continue into the next generation.

I know things might seem blurred and confusing now, but I promise once he's gone things will be crystal clear and you'll regret wasting so many years of your life with this abusive alcoholic.

There's absolutely nothing to stop you, it's your house. Do the right thing for your child, kick him out and enjoy living the rest of your lives in peace.
.

Do you want your child growing up with this awful specimen of a man as a role model or you as a weak women?
Sorry to be blunt op. I don’t mean to be unkind to you but you have to wake up and smell the roses.
Your house so therefore you have nothing to loose by sending him packing.
Have some self respect and find a decent chap who treats you how you deserve to be treated.

He’s bullied the OP into handing over her savings, sounds like a loser with no money. So let’s hope this isn’t the case 🙏🏻

He is abusing you and your child.

Do you realise that spitting at you is actually assault?

You need to speak to Women’s Aid as soon as you possibly can about getting this man out of your life. He’s dangerous and this harming not only you but also your child.

Report the spitting and any other evidence you have to police domestic violence team. They won’t make you take anything forward, but you will then be in a stronger position when you tell him to leave. If there have been any physical assaults, then do you have pictures? Share with police. The threat of police involvement was enough to get my friends psycho partner to behave reasonably until she was able to get herself sorted, and change the housing arrangements completely. Try to get your money back as well. He deserves not a penny of it. Or make sure he is paying for as much as possible while you save up again. You must stop treating him as an ally and protect you and your child first.

Does he pay anything towards bills? I hope his name is not on the tenancy therefore he has no claim on your house. Next time he threatens to move out throw his stuff out after him, though I wouldn't wait for that and get a male relative to back you up when you tell him to leave, you could also call the police if he kicks off.

I hate to say this, if he has paid for any major repairs on the house then he has acquired beneficial interest. It'll be difficult to throw him out.

I've been where you are OP. Please try and gather your strength to end this relationship. You and your child have one precious life. Don't waste it on this abusive arsehole. Get your freedom back.

OP, I hope the fact you’re posting on here means things are changing and you’re seriously considering ending things.
He is emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is financially abusing you. Spitting at you is assault; he’s physically abusive. Please don’t let him downplay or trivialise any of these things.
You say you have no support or nobody to talk to. Could you elaborate a bit? Have you lost touch with family due to his controlling behaviour, or have you never had a supportive family? Any friends you’ve lost touch with? Do you work?
Please don’t shy away from this thread. It’s taken courage to post and there are some amazing supportive people here.

The next time he leaves the house get the locks changed.

I'd install some cameras outside your front and back door too.

Leave his stuff outside.

Speak to Women's Aid for advice, not just on the separation part but how to build yourself up again afterwards. You deserve happiness.

You are and your child are being abused by this man - It's time to cut your losses. Thankfully you have your own house.

He'll try to sweet talk you into believing that he will change and he may even be nice for a couple of months but believe me from someone who has been there, they never change. They eventually move on and repeat the very same thing with the new partner (eventually after some love bombing in the start)

Your life will be infinitely happier without him, you will make friends and meet someone who does treat you well but as long as you stay with this deadbeat, it won't be possible. He's ruining your life.

Throw him out ! If you are too low to do it for yourself then do it for your child, this a terrible situation in which to bring up a child, really damaging.