Page 6 | To tell woman about her partner's kinks?

frogmella123 · 2025-02-08T22:33:06+00:00

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better. They had a brief relationship (him on the rebound) and she is now pregnant. So they got "together", not living together or even in the same county, but in some sort of situationship. But I know he is into swinging and sex clubs. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her. I know it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone. I don't really want to get involved, except I can't shake the feeling that if it were me or were happening to a close friend then i'd want to know. She is basing a relationship and that of their unborn child on lies. She thinks he's faithful and monogamous. I don't judge him for how he wants to live his life or get his kicks, but i do judge him for leading this woman up the garden path. AIBU to say something? YABU = Stay out of it YANBU = She deserves to know

CurlewKate · 09/02/2025 05:30

Tell her.

LordEmsworth · 09/02/2025 05:04

I've always been "tolerant" of his lifestyle choices

How exactly is his sex life something you need to be tolerant of? How does it affect you, exactly?

Klovos · 09/02/2025 04:18

Stay in your lane

NiftyKoala · 09/02/2025 04:02

I think your really really REALLY want to get involved.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:46

PixelatedLunchbox · 09/02/2025 00:45

No, he won't, not if he's like the swingers I know that think condoms protect you from everything and don't have a clue about getting STIs from oral sex. And he'll be passing on herpes and possibly HPV and god knows that else. And he's cheating. Jesus. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you?? The whole "not my circus not my monkey" clan make me ill.

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No
I wouldn't want someone else sticking their nose in my business
Interfering busybodies who think they know best make me sick

nocoolnamesleft · 09/02/2025 00:56

Hope to goodness she lives in a country that automatically does extensive STD testing in pregnant women, or there could be some very nasty surprises for the baby.

PixelatedLunchbox · 09/02/2025 00:45

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 00:26

If he's an active swinger then he'll be getting checked for STIs regularly (I'd hope!)

It doesn't sound like they're in an actual relationship, you call it a "situationship" and they aren't even in the same country. It's likely it will just fizzle out and become a convenience for the baby.

Keep out or you're going to just be stirring the pot

No, he won't, not if he's like the swingers I know that think condoms protect you from everything and don't have a clue about getting STIs from oral sex. And he'll be passing on herpes and possibly HPV and god knows that else. And he's cheating. Jesus. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you?? The whole "not my circus not my monkey" clan make me ill.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 00:26

If he's an active swinger then he'll be getting checked for STIs regularly (I'd hope!)

It doesn't sound like they're in an actual relationship, you call it a "situationship" and they aren't even in the same country. It's likely it will just fizzle out and become a convenience for the baby.

Keep out or you're going to just be stirring the pot

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:42

The fact that you obviously know him well, and have told him he should own up to her, and he's refused, then I think in your shoes I would tell her. At least then she can get herself checked out, and while you haven't said how far along the pregnancy is, there may still be time for her to terminate, if she decides that's what she wants, once she knows what the father of her child is really like.

healthybychristmas · 08/02/2025 23:37

If your relationship with him is screwed anyway then I would definitely tell her.

JudgeBread · 08/02/2025 23:31

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Because she doesn't want to see a new mum blindsided finding out her new boyfriend and father of her child is a fucking reprobate who is actively and currently cheating on her in swingers clubs? Maybe?

Not all women are jealous witches out to hurt eachother.

Here4theWizeOnes · 08/02/2025 23:28

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That's a mean and unnecessary comment.

ohyesido · 08/02/2025 23:27

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Original poster

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 23:24

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 08/02/2025 23:13

If he is cheating on her, then yes. Tell her.

I always have done in this situation, whether it is a man or woman being cheated on.

It is a disgusting thing to do to someone and I wouldn't be able to sleep having that knowledge. People have a right to know what the person sharing their bed and home is doing.

You'll have loads of people along to tell you to stay out of it... But if it was you, wouldn't you want to know?

The answer is yes. We would ALL want to know. But the majority of people are too weak and cowardly to do the brave and honest thing. Turning our heads away and saying "not our problem" is pretty despicable imo.

That's right. It's not my problem. But if I were involved, I would want to know.

The swinging etc is active, not a past activity.

OP posts:

Burntt · 08/02/2025 23:24

I would want to know. I never understand when people say don't get involved as that's how these men get away with it!

Original poster

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 23:23

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:05

If you've been friends with him for that long OP, then rather than telling her, I think you should tell him to be honest with her, and possibly threaten him that if he doesn't tell her, then you will.

While I agree that you'd be better off not getting involved, I too wouldn't want any woman to find herself pregnant and in this situation, and at the very least, he should be getting himself checked out, to make sure he hasn't got any sexually transmitted diseases which could harm her baby, and of course telling her, if he has.

This is the issue I have.
l have said he needs to tell her. He hasn't.
Its ruined our friendship TBH.

OP posts:

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 08/02/2025 23:13

If he is cheating on her, then yes. Tell her.

I always have done in this situation, whether it is a man or woman being cheated on.

It is a disgusting thing to do to someone and I wouldn't be able to sleep having that knowledge. People have a right to know what the person sharing their bed and home is doing.

You'll have loads of people along to tell you to stay out of it... But if it was you, wouldn't you want to know?

The answer is yes. We would ALL want to know. But the majority of people are too weak and cowardly to do the brave and honest thing. Turning our heads away and saying "not our problem" is pretty despicable imo.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:05

If you've been friends with him for that long OP, then rather than telling her, I think you should tell him to be honest with her, and possibly threaten him that if he doesn't tell her, then you will.

While I agree that you'd be better off not getting involved, I too wouldn't want any woman to find herself pregnant and in this situation, and at the very least, he should be getting himself checked out, to make sure he hasn't got any sexually transmitted diseases which could harm her baby, and of course telling her, if he has.

BodyKeepingScore · 08/02/2025 23:01

And are you intimating that he's currently being unfaithful to her? How is it that you know so many intimate details of this guys current sex life?

BodyKeepingScore · 08/02/2025 23:00

So the guy, in his lifetime, had gone to sex clubs and swinging parties with other consenting adults who also enjoy the same sexual activities.

I'm not sure why you think this is something you need to discuss with his current partner?

Would you appreciate it if someone you knew approached your partner and divulged intimate details of sex acts you engaged in before you'd got together? I doubt it.

You may not approve of his sexual choices, but unless you've any reason to believe his sexual partners were not able to consent to their activities with him then it's none of your business and it's actually quite weird to me that you think it is?

Birthdaycakewithwine · 08/02/2025 22:59

Stay out of it
Not your concern at all

SwanRivers · 08/02/2025 22:59

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 22:47

He is my friend of 30+ years. We talk. I've always been "tolerant" of his lifestyle choices, but this whole thing seems wrong.

Keeping my beak out is probably best though.

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better.

Strange way to describe an actual friend.

Tourmalines · 08/02/2025 22:50

Mel Robbins theory . Let them . Not your monkey , not your circus .

Original poster

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 22:47

He is my friend of 30+ years. We talk. I've always been "tolerant" of his lifestyle choices, but this whole thing seems wrong.

Keeping my beak out is probably best though.

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 08/02/2025 22:45

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 22:39

I really don't. But I also don't want to see this women sideswiped when it eventually all comes out. I feel like a bit of a ghoul sitting on the sidelines.

Don’t watch, then. Just step away and leave your swinging friend to it.