Page 4 | DP unsupportive after surgery

Francoishardup · 2025-02-08T21:35:31+00:00

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc. He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued. i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year. But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

thepariscrimefiles · 09/02/2025 10:55

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 10:29

That’s really interesting. I remember someone saying to me in the last six months or so that people are far more base than we realise and most bad behaviour is because of fear or jealousy or something not very noble.

i think this could be true. He’s often saying to me how many people like us as a couple, something I just don’t think about. Not that I’m arrogant, I just try and get on with everyone and leave them to make their own minds up.

He was watching tv downstairs and two different sets of people came to drop food/books and both times he said he hadn’t heard the door and so I had to answer it. The argument started because he said I was trying to make him look bad.

And while I’m in the confessional, he actually ate all the food one neighbour brought. I was surprised at the time but now I’m furious.

@sunscomingout how did you end things? Were you back to full throttle or did you do it from your pillows?

im scared ill lose my nerve. He’s texting me hearts and little messages of concern after 24 hours of frost.

I am far far far too old for this nonsense

Show quote history

Yeah, he's jealous that people actually like you and is using your vulnerability following your surgery to take you down a peg or two. The fact that he ate the food a neighbour brought round for you would be the final straw.

Ignore the hearts and messages of concern. He has shown his true colours and they aren't pretty. He is not a kind or safe presence in your life so you need to end the relationship safely.

jeaux90 · 09/02/2025 10:44

JFC OP, what a sinister situation!

Keep him at arms length until you are on the mend, then finish it.

Alalalala · 09/02/2025 10:40

Oh @Francoishardup your posts have made me well up for you. You sound lovely and you need care right now - not this horrific selfish and useless man making you feel heartbroken and neglected.

Every single one of those love heart emojis means absolutely fuck all. There was more hate than love in his actions when you needed him the most.

Text and say the relationship has come to its end because of how he’s treated you. And to not contact you further or you’ll consider it harassment.

TiramisuThief · 09/02/2025 10:39

GCAcademic · 09/02/2025 10:32

I opened this thread thinking from the title that it would be about a man being thoughtless.

But this is actually sinister.

Agree

I am so so so glad you started this thread OP.

I hope you can reach out to some people for help today.

Lilly11a · 09/02/2025 10:35

He is no good .

I got hit by a car walking to work and ended up walking home due to the driver killing my phone and refusing to call the police ( another story).

Boyfriend just about to leave for work - called in said he wouldn't be in , the called police for me booked them in,called work and family , took me to minor injuries, then home and stayed until my daughter came home from work .

This is normal - your boyfriend is acting like a 3 year old upset all the attention isn't on him

GCAcademic · 09/02/2025 10:32

I opened this thread thinking from the title that it would be about a man being thoughtless.

But this is actually sinister.

Original poster

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 10:29

sunscomingout · 09/02/2025 09:26

Hi op, it could also be that he's insecure and was jealous of all the help you were offered as it reinforced to him what a what a valued and loved person you are external of your relationship. I had surgery in December and my now ex had a funny look on his face as I was sat responding to voice notes etc from caring and concerned friends and family, he ended up being quite snipey then shouting at me when I called him out, shouted so loud my neighbour turned the tv up to cover the noise! I had just come out of hospital that day he was meant to be looking after me. It's terrible your DP has behaved as he had, is he normally jealous/insecure/self-centred? Yelling at someone who has just had surgery is in no way acceptable. Sorry you are going through this.

That’s really interesting. I remember someone saying to me in the last six months or so that people are far more base than we realise and most bad behaviour is because of fear or jealousy or something not very noble.

i think this could be true. He’s often saying to me how many people like us as a couple, something I just don’t think about. Not that I’m arrogant, I just try and get on with everyone and leave them to make their own minds up.

He was watching tv downstairs and two different sets of people came to drop food/books and both times he said he hadn’t heard the door and so I had to answer it. The argument started because he said I was trying to make him look bad.

And while I’m in the confessional, he actually ate all the food one neighbour brought. I was surprised at the time but now I’m furious.

@sunscomingout how did you end things? Were you back to full throttle or did you do it from your pillows?

im scared ill lose my nerve. He’s texting me hearts and little messages of concern after 24 hours of frost.

I am far far far too old for this nonsense

OP posts:

Original poster

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 10:19

Merryoldgoat · 09/02/2025 09:23

To add to this, 19 years later we’re married with two disabled children.

He is still the same caring person he was then. I’ve had a cold this week and he’s made me soup. He’s bought me wine gums (my favourite sweet). He’s got up with the kids. He’s done school runs.

He looked after me after two complicated births, shared nighttime’s, split housework etc.

All of his kindness and thoughtfulness was evident in the first months of our relationship. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s good and safe and full of love.

Show quote history

That’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you that you have this. It’s good to know that exists. Lovely

OP posts:

wateraddict · 09/02/2025 09:48

OP, I am sorry you had to go through all this. You are stronger now for realising what he is and can take steps to protect yourself.

Get your friends round, anyone who offered to stay, get them round. You can easily say you were so off your face on the meds you weren't thinking straight and now realise you need the help.

If you can confide in someone in real life, you may feel better for sharing. If that's too difficult, you have us. Stay safe, get well then get rid x

PickAChew · 09/02/2025 09:42

I bet when you look back all the smaller red flags are there 🙁 You cannot let this awful excuse for a man back into your home again.

sunscomingout · 09/02/2025 09:26

Hi op, it could also be that he's insecure and was jealous of all the help you were offered as it reinforced to him what a what a valued and loved person you are external of your relationship. I had surgery in December and my now ex had a funny look on his face as I was sat responding to voice notes etc from caring and concerned friends and family, he ended up being quite snipey then shouting at me when I called him out, shouted so loud my neighbour turned the tv up to cover the noise! I had just come out of hospital that day he was meant to be looking after me. It's terrible your DP has behaved as he had, is he normally jealous/insecure/self-centred? Yelling at someone who has just had surgery is in no way acceptable. Sorry you are going through this.

Merryoldgoat · 09/02/2025 09:23

nats2010 · 09/02/2025 09:01

This. Every word xx

Show quote history

To add to this, 19 years later we’re married with two disabled children.

He is still the same caring person he was then. I’ve had a cold this week and he’s made me soup. He’s bought me wine gums (my favourite sweet). He’s got up with the kids. He’s done school runs.

He looked after me after two complicated births, shared nighttime’s, split housework etc.

All of his kindness and thoughtfulness was evident in the first months of our relationship. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s good and safe and full of love.

nats2010 · 09/02/2025 09:01

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2025 22:10

I had an operation when I was with my now DH 5 months.

He took 2 weeks off to look after me. He made be food, administered medication, went to the shops and did nice things for me.

He was 24. A 24 year old who knew me less than 6 months did more for me than your partner of years.

He’s not worth another day of your time.

This. Every word xx

SoScarletItWas · 09/02/2025 08:59

Sending you healing vibes, @Francoishardup and agreeing with all the comments above - my own DP automatically did everything for me without any need to ask or discuss when I had an operation. And then I happened to see this float across my social media feed and it really brought it home to me:

(In case the pic doesn’t post it reads as follows)

Fragility is a strange place to visit. While you’re there, true love carries your bags, puts clean sheets on the bed and makes you tea. The other kind of love waves you off and says ‘text me when you’re back.’

Miaowzabella · 09/02/2025 08:57

I also think he read my diary when I was in hospital because he referred to something I hadn’t mentioned to anyone. It was while he was yelling about everything else and it wasn’t til afterwards it registered.

That's appalling. I hope your next diary entry is going to be 'kicked arsehole partner out of my life' and that you send him a copy.

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 08:57

OP you sound really lovely. Please allow your neighbours and friends/family to help you. Don’t allow this vile man back into your home, you deserve so much better.

Please also don’t try to hide his behaviour from anyone, it’s nothing for you to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, only him.

Look after yourself!

dancingwhilstfacingthemusic · 09/02/2025 08:53

Glad you have support from a neighbour and hope you can pull in other support from friends.

Better now than later to lose this deadweight that you don’t need on recovery.

I’m recovering from three operations and going through chemo. I couldn’t do it without my dh (who is nearly 70 and I should be looking after him!). It’s brought us closer than ever.

take care and wishing you well with your recovery.

CleverButScatty · 09/02/2025 08:48

I think that how someone treats you when you are your most vulnerable is really telling.
I think you know you have seen his true colours and to move on from the relationship.
Even though it will feel hard after 5 years, you are saving yourself heartache in the long run.

Comtesse · 09/02/2025 08:47

Yes he’s selfish and flaky - but also actively nasty. You don’t need to put up with this

Invinsibubblality · 09/02/2025 08:41

Thank goodness you own your own houses so you don't have to deal with the drama of that when you dump him.

Absolutely not how you look after a partner and I'm sorry he left you so alone and vulnerable

Tangelablue · 09/02/2025 08:31

He sounds horrendous. Does he have a key? If he refuses to hand it back, get the locks changed.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 08:21

That’s awful. When I had a major surgery my ex partner (father of my DC) came to visit every day and when I came home after 3wks he visited every day, got the kids to school and cooked me some dinner. If an ex partner can do that, someone who claims to love you just left you alone when you’re supposed to be with someone for 24hrs at least. That’s disgusting.

Takenoprisoner · 09/02/2025 08:18

Oh God didn't even see the update about him hurting your wound. He's abusive, never let him come round again unless it's just to pick up his things and only when other people are there. Never see him alone. He's not safe to be around.

HereNext · 09/02/2025 08:17

I agree, he's jealous, and resentful.

What a nasty piece of work.

I think PP is right, he made himself centre to look after you, to ensure you were not looked after. That was intended - he knew what he was doing.

He wants all the attention on him, and is punishing you.

Hope you have a good day and feel better soon, OP.

Takenoprisoner · 09/02/2025 08:13

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 06:33

Isn’t it? A container-ship-sized one.

Yes, I thought that it was just a big ego thing, and that he was irritated how many people called or sent food/flowers and he wanted everyone to know that he was doing the caring. By himself.

Both nights when I asked him to stay, suddenly the door was shutting and I wasn’t sure what had happened.

i think because I’m not used to any meds they made me so woozy I wasn’t sure what was real.

Thanks to all of you who’ve helped me to
see straight.

And the thing I was most shocked by, so upset that I didn’t even write it was that when I was crying he came to comfort me and his hand went onto my wound ahd I thought I was going to faint again from the pain. I asked him to leave and he said it hadn’t happened but then we both saw blood start to seep out of the dressing and he said it was an accident and my fault for moving when he was trying to comfort me.

Show quote history

I think he's jealous of all the people who did offer help. He's jealous so many people care about you that he prevented them by volunteering to do it all, it was a way to block everyone else's offers of help but actually he had no intention of looking after you. Hence the comment about queen and subjects. As is him getting annoyed at people calling and sending flowers.