Page 2 | DP unsupportive after surgery

Francoishardup · 2025-02-08T21:35:31+00:00

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc. He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued. i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year. But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

2JFDIYOLO · 10/02/2025 12:06

Too many men see women as domestic appliances that exist to service and centre them.

Not quite human.

(NAMALT but sadly SMALT.)

And when the appliance malfunctions; gets sick, gets pregnant, gets incapacitated and needs to be the centre of attention or care ...

or dares to turn her own attention elsewhere, such as to a new baby or to her friends or family ...

or is the centre of attention herself with an exam, a celebation, a special occasion, something she needs to focus on - that isn't him ...

That is when we have a problem. This is when the acting out like a jealous toddler round a new baby, the resentment at being asked to share 'her' domestic load, to share her time with others, the accusations and the moaning kick in.

Normallynumb · 10/02/2025 11:51

You're doing so well
Once that lightbulb flicks on, you'll now start to see all the ways you appeased him to avoid rocking the boat, because you felt you didn't deserve any better
You do and will find it

Creameded · 10/02/2025 11:42

Oh OP, what a terrifying read.
You have been in such an abusive controlling relationship.

He didn't want you helped by friends, insisted he did it, and left you.

He assaulted you at your wound spot.
Can you not see that this is a very dangerous man.

I think you should tell your GP the truth.
You are a victim of domestic abuse and assault.

I think he needs to be reported to 101.
That's how serious this is.

Abuse continues because of secrecy.
You have hidden and protected him, all the while you have been abused.

Tell EVERYONE the truth.
Tell your children the truth.
Tell them about him assaulting you.

This is such a bad man.
He knows EXACTLY what he did and has done.

He doesn't want you helped.
Don't cover this up, please.

Tell your neighbours the truth.
Let people protect you.

GCAcademic · 10/02/2025 11:27

JohnTheRevelator · 09/02/2025 22:30

How true this report is. 30 years ago,my husband decided to leave me just as I was recovering from a major,very nasty illness. He'd been cheating on me the whole 5 months that I was ill. No wonder he hardly ever came to see me in hospital. 😢 Shortly after he'd walked out,my DM said to me 'So many men just can't cope with someone close to them being seriously ill'. How right she was.

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What a revolting man. I think stories like this demonstrate clearly how some men view women. When their usual support human seems to be malfunctioning, they need to line up a replacement immediately. Just like I am straight on the internet in a panic ordering a new washing machine when mine breaks down.

I hope that you have gone on to thrive after the bastard left you.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 10/02/2025 08:55

I think they just can't bear not be the centre of your world, that they have to make every, good or bad, experience about them. The only way they can do it is to create an argument so you end up feeling like it's your fault and then having to fawn over them when you should be looking after yourself.

I'm 15 years out of the relationship, and married to a wonderful man who would never in a million years not support me or put me first when needed.

You're doing brilliantly and look after you for a change.

susiedaisy1912 · 10/02/2025 08:50

Stay strong op as no doubt he will try to win you back over the next few days but any promises of changed behaviour will be hollow. Take time to recover from your op and then move on.

Coffeesnob11 · 10/02/2025 07:22

Op well done. My abusive exdh was the same and it's because it was something that meant things weren't about him. I had surgery on my leg and he used to tell people it was the worst time ever. It was because he made 2 dinners, helped me with a shower once and then complained he was too tired whilst his mum and my mum came round to offer endless help. I had to call an ambulance when I got a bad infection and he said I was making a fuss.
Take up those offers from neighbours etc and healthy well.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 10/02/2025 07:19

Oh @Francoishardup, when the scales fall from your eyes, everything is so much clearer.

I'm glad you've got rid of him, and I hope your recovery goes well, with the help of your lovely friends and neighbours

Original poster

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:15

JustWalkingTheDogs · 10/02/2025 07:07

My exdh was exactly like this (which was exactly why I asked you), he'd make me late for all sorts of things, the one that really sticks in my head was a court appearance. I had to testify and he kept me awake the night before with a stupid arguments that he simply wouldn't let go, so I was so exhausted the next day. He hated that I was in the limelight that he had to ruin me. It was going to be an awful experience for me anyway. But he had to make it worse by kicking off the night before and not speaking to me, or supporting me the next day. It was my light bulb moment.

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This post hit me hard.

I put it down every time to his sensitive character and told myself it was because he cared so much about our relationship that these constant arguments happened.

Always happening at times I’d flagged as important for me for whatever reasons.

They were monthly if not weekly. Interspersed every few months by something so huge it necessitated screaming matches that left me in shock at the terrible things he said.

And I still thought it was my fault and I should fix it.

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Original poster

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:09

The last time I used mumsnet, it was powered by steam. It took a lot of drugs a bit of effort to find the spine to post about this and I can’t tell you all what your messages and stories and support have meant.

I really thought IWBU.

A thousand bottles of champagne and a lie in from the school run to all of you who gave me the gifts of your time and kindness this weekend.

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JustWalkingTheDogs · 10/02/2025 07:07

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:00

Fibs my arse. I’ve lied to people I love that he’s on a deadline/called away for work because I was embarrassed to say he wasn’t speaking to me

My exdh was exactly like this (which was exactly why I asked you), he'd make me late for all sorts of things, the one that really sticks in my head was a court appearance. I had to testify and he kept me awake the night before with a stupid arguments that he simply wouldn't let go, so I was so exhausted the next day. He hated that I was in the limelight that he had to ruin me. It was going to be an awful experience for me anyway. But he had to make it worse by kicking off the night before and not speaking to me, or supporting me the next day. It was my light bulb moment.

Original poster

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:03

@Nanny0gg yes. I kept saying that. And still feeling that I was asking too much.

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Original poster

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:02

JohnTheRevelator · 09/02/2025 22:30

How true this report is. 30 years ago,my husband decided to leave me just as I was recovering from a major,very nasty illness. He'd been cheating on me the whole 5 months that I was ill. No wonder he hardly ever came to see me in hospital. 😢 Shortly after he'd walked out,my DM said to me 'So many men just can't cope with someone close to them being seriously ill'. How right she was.

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(Love your name @HaroldLeftEye )

that’s a terrible thing to have endured. I hope you’ve found happiness and peace since then 💕

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Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 07:00

Fibs my arse. I’ve lied to people I love that he’s on a deadline/called away for work because I was embarrassed to say he wasn’t speaking to me

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Original poster

Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 06:58

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/02/2025 22:01

Sounds like he's jealous of you getting all the attention, your first line when you mentioned he made you late for the train, is typical narcissistic behaviour. Does he sabotage any event (good or bad) where you would be getting the attention?

This made me think long and hard last night.

Yes, I can think of a few too many things that have been spoiled by his performances.

And even more where I’ve placated him or covered up his glaring absence with fibs.

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Nanny0gg · 10/02/2025 00:06

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 12:18

@sunscomingout goodness, over a mouse. I hope you caught the bugger.

Your post is resonating. He gets irrational about things then calms down and I’m left wondering did that happen. I work in a creative industry and he’s often saying oh you’re off again, you imagined that. But I know I didn’t.

yes, he shouts quite unpleasant and untrue stuff but I put it down to other things and often blame myself.

And now I’m pretty pissed off he just left me when I asked him to stay. That was dangerous, especially when I was faint.

And you're not supposed to be left on your own after a procedure.

JohnTheRevelator · 09/02/2025 22:30

HaroldLeftEye · 09/02/2025 16:38

It sounds like he saw how much everyone wanted to help you and deliberately stepped in in order to put you in your place and make sure you didn’t get looked after

Exactly this. He's not on your team, he doesn't think you deserve any care or respect

I was going to quote this study- but I think it's gone far beyond a support animal/domestic servant malfunctioning situation- https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

How true this report is. 30 years ago,my husband decided to leave me just as I was recovering from a major,very nasty illness. He'd been cheating on me the whole 5 months that I was ill. No wonder he hardly ever came to see me in hospital. 😢 Shortly after he'd walked out,my DM said to me 'So many men just can't cope with someone close to them being seriously ill'. How right she was.

dancingwhilstfacingthemusic · 09/02/2025 22:15

Well done OP. You have it recorded here to look back on and know that you were right at every step and he let you down badly.
I hope you get some decent sleep.

Original poster

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 22:06

He’s sent a few replies worrying how I am then when I just repeated to leave me alone he said it was my fault and if I’d really needed someone to look after me I should have gone there as he needed to preserve his strength.

That made me quite cross.

I’ve blocked him now. I feel a bit shaky, like something I believed in has just disappeared.

If I hadn’t posted here, he’d no doubt be carrying on as usual and I’d have apologised for causing a fuss.

it will be a day at a time. I’m feeling quite out of it and it’s been a shock.

My neighbours didn’t mention him once. That was kind of odd as they know him and always ask after him in a small talk way but in the whole afternoon he never once came up.

Maybe the fact I was on my own spoke volumes enough.

I think I need to sleep now.

Thank you thank you my lovely new friends, for helping me see what was under my nose.

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JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/02/2025 22:01

Sounds like he's jealous of you getting all the attention, your first line when you mentioned he made you late for the train, is typical narcissistic behaviour. Does he sabotage any event (good or bad) where you would be getting the attention?

Original poster

Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 21:58

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/02/2025 16:31

You need to dump him.

Immediately, no warnings or second chances.

Get out before you’re tied in by living with him or worse having children.

It sounds like he saw how much everyone wanted to help you and deliberately stepped in in order to put you in your place and make sure you didn’t get looked after 🤬

I have adult children. So I’ve dodged that bullet

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Francoishardup · 09/02/2025 21:56

YellowRoom · 09/02/2025 16:49

You are placing more importance on what random people may think than what you are experiencing and what you feel. Why is this? Should you stay with an abusive man forever in case others think you've been silly (you're not) or that he's an unpleasant, immature man (he is).

Yes, I think I have been. I mentioned my upbringing was challenging and that’s clearly contributed. I think sometimes I just deserve things.

This though I really don’t. But the fact it’s taken 24 hours and the kindest of strangers suggests there’s still work to do.

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Normallynumb · 09/02/2025 19:17

He has

Normallynumb · 09/02/2025 19:17

OP Your posts are making me well up
You sound so kind and helpful has exploited that.
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to tell those who you feel comfortable with
Your local community sound very caring and I'm sure they will support you when they know.
Get your wound looked at to check his hand hasn't disturbed the healing.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/02/2025 17:09

I agree, the wound thing was a test to see if you'd realise it was intentional, see how much you'd object. This is how some abusers function... a little physical punishment here and there, see how that goes down and gradually escalating.

In this instance I suspect he's punishing you for being unwell, being 'needy' (as in needing care not as in 'being dramatically and unreasonably needy')... and for the attention and care this generated amongst your friends/family.

You owe him nothing.

Tell some friends you're ending it. Have someone with you, text him 'our relationship is over, please don't contact me again'. If there is any stuff of his at yours then arrange to drop it with someone else perhaps.