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Original poster

DP unsupportive after surgery

142 replies

Francoishardup · 08/02/2025 21:35

I had an operation last week and my DP of five years (we live close but in our own places) insisted he take care of everything and come with me to stay near the hospital the night before etc.

He was late arriving, we missed our train so I was late for the pre op bloods, then he wanted to go out for dinner and we argued.

i had the op, he couldn’t pick me up so a friend brought me home and my DP came for a couple of hours but when I asked him to stay, said he had a cold and left. I was OK and didn’t think it mattered. Same the next night, except I fainted when I was alone and the next day I was upset that he hadn’t just let any of the many family and friends who’d offered to stay look after me. It was a shocking argument, he’s usually quite nice although he’s got form for being difficult once or twice a year.

But this is not good, is it? I think it is reasonable to think if someone insists on looking after you they should follow through. I’m in quite heavy medication so I just want to check in being reasonable that this isn’t acceptable

OP posts:
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Creameded · 20/02/2025 20:05

Drylogsonly · 18/02/2025 07:50

Ditch him. I know a married couple who divorced over something similar

Covid was a real wake up call for a lot of women i have heard.

wateraddict · 20/02/2025 20:01

I am so glad you are doing so well OP! Onwards and upwards x

Creameded · 18/02/2025 09:00

He knows OP has seen through him, that is why.
Keep telling people what an ugly dangerous man he was.
You are so lucky to be rid of him.
Wishing you the very best.

Drylogsonly · 18/02/2025 07:50

Ditch him. I know a married couple who divorced over something similar

Whyherewego · 17/02/2025 17:38

Wow he dropped you quickly. That's quite shocking but glad you're OK

Original poster
Francoishardup · 17/02/2025 17:04

@wateraddict aren’t you lovely? The nurse is coming tomorrow, I’ve been surrounded by kindness and I haven’t heard a peep from exDP, so that speaks volumes.
thank you so much for asking ❤

OP posts:
wateraddict · 15/02/2025 15:26

How are you feeling OP? I hope the dressing change went well and you are enjoying a peaceful recovery now.

PullTheBricksDown · 11/02/2025 19:43

Creameded · 11/02/2025 19:36

Thank god that you have told people.
I bet they saw through him.

Don't be surprised if he starts pleading he is misunderstood.

I really think he covertly assaulted you.
He's a very dangerous man.
Tell the medical team so they know and make a note of it.
I'm so glad you have people around you keeping you safe.

Yes, when you posted before about how people around you thought he was lovely, I did think to myself 'I bet they don't but they've not said so openly in case it causes trouble'. In these situations, other people can pick up red flags that you yourself are missing, but are often reluctant to discuss them until they get a signal that you're not going to defend him. I imagine if you are ok with talking about this now, you'll be surprised to find people admitting they thought this already.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 11/02/2025 19:43

Creameded · 11/02/2025 19:36

Thank god that you have told people.
I bet they saw through him.

Don't be surprised if he starts pleading he is misunderstood.

I really think he covertly assaulted you.
He's a very dangerous man.
Tell the medical team so they know and make a note of it.
I'm so glad you have people around you keeping you safe.

Thank you. I have blocked him and I’m due to have my dressings changed in a couple of days so I’ll tell the team then. ❤️

OP posts:
Creameded · 11/02/2025 19:36

Thank god that you have told people.
I bet they saw through him.

Don't be surprised if he starts pleading he is misunderstood.

I really think he covertly assaulted you.
He's a very dangerous man.
Tell the medical team so they know and make a note of it.
I'm so glad you have people around you keeping you safe.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 11/02/2025 19:29

FriendsDrinkBook · 11/02/2025 18:37

I'm so glad that you've started telling people op. And that you've got support. You've taken a massive step and you should be very proud of yourself.

How are you feeling physically? Are you feeling safe at home also?

Thank you for your lovely kindness. I feel much better today; much less woozy as I’ve reduced the painkillers I need.

I do feel safe, yes. I’m surrounded by people and I’ve had several visitors and someone just dropped off supper. I’m blown away by how lovely people are.

it is a massive step and the fact it feels like lightness says I’ve probably been kidding myself for a while.

Sad for what might have been, but that was a mirage. Thank you 💞

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 11/02/2025 18:37

I'm so glad that you've started telling people op. And that you've got support. You've taken a massive step and you should be very proud of yourself.

How are you feeling physically? Are you feeling safe at home also?

Original poster
Francoishardup · 11/02/2025 17:57

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 14:31

That would be pretty rare @myplace, whats much much more common is abusers 'testing the waters' with causing pain/physical abuse - seeing if the victim will ignore/tolerate/pretend it hasn't happened if the abuser causes them pain. So a squeeze on a sore area or wound, a shove here, a push there... things that can be re-written as accidental, to see what the response is.

That was, sadly, how it felt. I was so shocked and couldn’t speak for the pain and he said ‘what?’ like he genuinely didn’t know what I meant. I had to spell it out.

I’ve told my family and a close friend nearby. Nobody has expressed any surprise. And my family repeated a couple of concerns that my neighbours had shared when I was away last year.

it’s been a bit of a week alright.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 14:31

That would be pretty rare @myplace, whats much much more common is abusers 'testing the waters' with causing pain/physical abuse - seeing if the victim will ignore/tolerate/pretend it hasn't happened if the abuser causes them pain. So a squeeze on a sore area or wound, a shove here, a push there... things that can be re-written as accidental, to see what the response is.

Creameded · 11/02/2025 09:24

myplace · 11/02/2025 07:35

Like, a penetration fetish. Someone posted here that after having a stoma, she was warned by nursing staff not to allow it. 🤢

I’m sorry, I know it sounds like I’m reaching, but what you said in that post just chilled me.

Never heard of that but he has definitely assaulted her.
I think she should tell her medical team.
No way that was an accident.
Dangerous man.

myplace · 11/02/2025 07:35

Like, a penetration fetish. Someone posted here that after having a stoma, she was warned by nursing staff not to allow it. 🤢

I’m sorry, I know it sounds like I’m reaching, but what you said in that post just chilled me.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 11/02/2025 00:38

myplace · 10/02/2025 22:27

Please be careful. Does he have a key? Is anyone staying with you?

That intrusion into your wound is really worrying. I don’t want to sicken you, but it is a ‘thing’, apparently.

@myplace thank you for your concern. I don’t have anyone staying but my house is secure with neighbours within calling distance. I’ve had people here most of the day and they’ll be back in the morning. I’m chatting to family and I have started to tell people what’s been going on.

The doors are secure and the locksmith is booked.

what do you mean by ‘a thing?’ That doesn’t sound good.

OP posts:
myplace · 10/02/2025 22:27

Please be careful. Does he have a key? Is anyone staying with you?

That intrusion into your wound is really worrying. I don’t want to sicken you, but it is a ‘thing’, apparently.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 22:17

Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2025 21:52

@Francoishardup

All that matters if you’ve realised now. You aren’t tied to him, you’ve not been harmed by him, you have seen all of the friends and loved ones you have standing by you.

You are loved and cared for and deserve so much more.

You are free now - recover in peace and move on with your brilliant life.

🍾Hear hear

❤️

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2025 21:52

@Francoishardup

All that matters if you’ve realised now. You aren’t tied to him, you’ve not been harmed by him, you have seen all of the friends and loved ones you have standing by you.

You are loved and cared for and deserve so much more.

You are free now - recover in peace and move on with your brilliant life.

Original poster
Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 21:50

Normallynumb · 10/02/2025 11:51

You're doing so well
Once that lightbulb flicks on, you'll now start to see all the ways you appeased him to avoid rocking the boat, because you felt you didn't deserve any better
You do and will find it

Yes, I am and it’s not pretty.

It’s also extremely sad because I see myself as successful and independent and it turns out I’m propping up a man’s ego and putting up with shit behaviour just like my mother did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Francoishardup · 10/02/2025 21:47

2JFDIYOLO · 10/02/2025 12:21

TMI, but ...

Half my lifetime ago I had a slipped disc.

I could not move for several days but got no hospital admission.

My partner brought a shallow bowl and a towel so I could wee etc into it while in bed, then emptied and did the washing over those days.

We had an argument about a computer file this morning. Now we're out for coffee and cakes sharing silly videos.

Please write out everything you've put in bits here today in one clear statement - to yourself - and I bet you'll be able to add more. Everything. Every little red flag that maybe you let go, thought you were imagining it.

Bear in mind he's realised you're angry and he's frantically pedaling and scrabbling to get back in your good books and look good to others.

This is called hoovering, and it's well known behaviour.

Should you believe it and hope he's turned over a new leaf - it will be only a matter of time before he does it again.

This has been a sobering exercise.

The patterns are so clear.

Every time something good happens, there’s an argument about something I’ve done wrong

The things he is angry about are both unrelated and disproportionate to his reaction.

I think we’ve had a great time then suddenly he says no no you ruined it because xyz which I simply don’t remember.

Bloody hell.

OP posts:
wateraddict · 10/02/2025 12:53

Huge well done OP. You will feel so much better without all that negativity and nastiness. Speedy healing to you on all fronts!

2JFDIYOLO · 10/02/2025 12:21

TMI, but ...

Half my lifetime ago I had a slipped disc.

I could not move for several days but got no hospital admission.

My partner brought a shallow bowl and a towel so I could wee etc into it while in bed, then emptied and did the washing over those days.

We had an argument about a computer file this morning. Now we're out for coffee and cakes sharing silly videos.

Please write out everything you've put in bits here today in one clear statement - to yourself - and I bet you'll be able to add more. Everything. Every little red flag that maybe you let go, thought you were imagining it.

Bear in mind he's realised you're angry and he's frantically pedaling and scrabbling to get back in your good books and look good to others.

This is called hoovering, and it's well known behaviour.

Should you believe it and hope he's turned over a new leaf - it will be only a matter of time before he does it again.

FriendsDrinkBook · 10/02/2025 12:19

@2JFDIYOLO it's crazy isn't it? This type actually act like you're doing it on purpose when you're unwell. I was spoken to like absolute rubbish when I was having a miscarriage during my first marriage. I had to do our tired toddler's bedtime routine because exh refused to.

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