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Original poster

Was I unreasonable for changing my mind?

33 replies

ElsaLion · 08/02/2025 18:59

Today, me and my husband took our daughter to a school open day. Because our son is only 2.5, we had decided the day would be too long for him, so had arranged for my mother (who lives nearby) to come round and look after him for the time we were out.

I should pretext this by saying every time my mother babysits/looks after our children (very infrequently), she has always been extremely demanding and we have to go to great lengths to set everything up/get everything out and prepared. She doesn’t even want to find food in our cupboards or fridge, everything has to be laid out beforehand and prepared by ourselves. She also refuses to assemble the pram for our youngest, so we have to do this as well. In the past she has brought the pram home, covered in mud and dragged it all over the floor and carpets.

For this visit, she had insisted that the pram be set up in order to take our son out. Overnight, we had a lot of rain and this morning it was very muddy and wet everywhere. We therefore decided it wasn’t the best weather for the pram to be used, so left it in the cupboard. On arriving, she demanded that we set up the pram, and when I refused, started screaming abuse at me, accusing me of being ungrateful, of disrespecting her wishes. I explained my reasons for not setting it up and said that she could take our son for a walk in his wellies instead, but she continued to shout at me (all in the presence of my children, who by now we’re getting upset). She then threatened to leave unless I set the pram up, at which point I welcomed her to leave and said we’d manage with the children on our own. Only when she realised her threats were futile, did she stop screaming at me, but continued to accuse me of being selfish and ungrateful. By now we were late leaving, our son was very upset, and my mother just stormed off into the next room and left me to comfort my children.

Perhaps I’m overplaying an insignificant situation, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and found the whole incident deeply upsetting. Was I unreasonable for refusing my mum’s request?

OP posts:
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HoraceCope · 09/02/2025 05:42

i dont know why you dont have the pram out
i cant imagine not using a pram due to the rain

Glitchymn1 · 09/02/2025 05:06

I’m honestly surprised you bother with her. Screaming and getting mud all over the floors, I’d rather take my child with me!

user1492757084 · 09/02/2025 04:53

I have to have a pram (with a working harness) available if I'm babysitting.
I like to - know I can go outside, know that the child won't run off and never have to carry the sleeping child home etc.

Starlight7080 · 09/02/2025 04:35

So did you want her to stay in all day with him? Do you not have a hallway ?
Maybe if you do you should have a carpet free area for the pram.
If not could you have left something by the front door and said when you get back put the pram on that pls .
Would she not have done that if you had it set up and explained ?
I agree she didn't need to shout and it should have been a sensible conversation.
But essentially saying a 2 year old can't use the pram probably stressed her out.
Can she carry him if he needs it ? Is she physically able to chase a 2 year old if needed?

OrangeSlices998 · 09/02/2025 03:55

Wanting the pram (if that was the issue she had) is not unreasonable; shouting at you because you didn’t immediately set it up instead of talking about it like a sensible adult is. Her reaction is disproportionate to the situation, you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that OP.

onceuponatimelived · 09/02/2025 03:50

It’s the fact that she shouted at you in the presence of your scared children whilst you’re vulnerable and pregnant at this time. I get that if your mum is the one who cares for them then if she requests something to make her care for them easier than it should be accommodated (I.E setting up pram) but that in no way gives her the right to abuse you and scare your children in the process by just being an unkind person. She could of calmly asked you to make sure she had it next time or adjusted her plans to make your life easier instead of making your job as a parent harder by having to clean up the mess she’s made of being so mean in front of your kids. Seems more hassle than it’s worth, if you’re able to find a childminder who you trust maybe that would be a better set up for you because at least it would all be very professional and your kids would never be crying with fear around them, it would be much smoother and relaxing experience for you and the kids.

Eenameenadeeka · 09/02/2025 03:17

She was obviously unreasonable for shouting at you. I don't think she was unreasonable for wanting the pram even though it had been raining, and I don't think it's unreasonable to want you to put the food out either. When my mum lived close by, id leave everything sorted that she might need. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation.

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 21:17

Think your refusal to set the pram up was a bit off. I understand she has got mud on your carpets before...are you really that bothered about it?

JollyHolly30 · 08/02/2025 21:12

ElsaLion · 08/02/2025 21:09

Thank you everyone, you've given me/us a lot to consider. I think perhaps we had grown so used to the demands and disregard for our home that we weren't prepared to challenge it. I think arranging different childcare/babysitting will be the way to go in future, because I honestly don't want my children I to witness such an awful conversation again.

I know you challenged her and told her you'd manage them both (at which point she started to back down)
Did you end up taking him or leaving him there?

Original poster
ElsaLion · 08/02/2025 21:09

Thank you everyone, you've given me/us a lot to consider. I think perhaps we had grown so used to the demands and disregard for our home that we weren't prepared to challenge it. I think arranging different childcare/babysitting will be the way to go in future, because I honestly don't want my children I to witness such an awful conversation again.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 08/02/2025 21:04

She sounds like a nightmare. I'd have propelled her out of the door and told her to go home.

She shouldn't be trusted to look after your children, even once in a blue moon.

Emptyflames · 08/02/2025 20:55

Christ don't leave your dc with her at all. She sounds like a nightmare

Pay for childcare or take him with you

LaineyCee · 08/02/2025 20:53

Your mum sounds an absolute nightmare. Think you urgently need to start looking into alternative childcare. The extra expense will be more than made up for by the reduction in stress. And your kids will be in the care of a calm professional, not someone who is shouting and frightening them.

That way when your mum does spend time with the children, it will be on your terms- that she behaves in a civilised manner.

OhDeerohDeerie · 08/02/2025 20:15

Please please read the book

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

your eyes will open.

next time please don’t let your mum’s tantrum get you dancing round her and affecting you all. Shoo her back home. She would be very manipulative to your son after that display and that’s a terrible influence to leave with him.

Was I unreasonable for changing my mind?
Everythingisnumbersnow · 08/02/2025 20:05

The carpet comment makes me think maybe you are a bit highly strung for doing favours for?

Doingmybest12 · 08/02/2025 19:57

It sounds like your mum acted true to form. You need to work on other ways if managing child care etc.

SerenStarEtoile · 08/02/2025 19:52

YANBU, OP.

Putting something down on the floor is such an easy (and sensible) thing to do: the fact that she doesn’t despite being asked sounds like a real 2 fingers to you. That, and the screaming today tells me that she doesn’t respect you.

I would be having a word about your boundaries and saying if she doesn’t like them, she knows where the door is.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/02/2025 19:43

YANBU. It sounds like there is something MH wise going on. She wants to be the hands on granny in theory (and more importantly tell everyone how hands on she is) but cannot cope with the stress of it. For now I don't think she should be alone with a child maybe keep it to brief visits only. She sounds awful screaming like that, was she always abusive and difficult? Perhaps that's why you are an only child, maybe she couldn't cope and it's brought it all back. If this irrational behaviour is uncharacteristic then I would be looking at supporting her to explore MH issues while keeping your kids well away.

JLou08 · 08/02/2025 19:32

That's not insignificant at all. If anyone acted like that in front if my children I would never leave my children alone with them.

OpenFox · 08/02/2025 19:31

I wouldn't leave my children with someone that unhinged!

Original poster
ElsaLion · 08/02/2025 19:28

@Coconutter24 We often use the pram in wet/muddy weather, but from past experience my mother has sometimes shown a general lack of respect and care for our home. As I said in my OP, she's often returned the pram in a muddy state and dragged the mud all over our carpets etc, despite when she's agreed to put a towel down before bringing it inside.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 08/02/2025 19:26

She was obviously wrong for shouting.

I don't think she is unreasonable for anything else you mentioned (and you are). If she is helping you out and is simply asking that you get food and pram sorted, then it's the minimum you can do.
And I'm not sure why you trying to control whether she uses the pram or not? or what the rain has to do with it!

edel2 · 08/02/2025 19:15

Her behaviour is awful. But before it happened, I would've just set up the pram. She asked you to. Perhaps she feels extremely nervous and not able to keep your son safe if he's walking about outside.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/02/2025 19:14

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/02/2025 19:07

How many children are we actually talking about? If it's one or two, it's more of an issue she got stressed, but if we're talking about 5 under 6, it's hardly surprising that she wasn't prepared to deal with all of them on foot or leaving them unsupervised whilst searching cupboards for food.

The OP has advised it was 1 child of 2.5 years.

Coconutter24 · 08/02/2025 19:14

Do you not use the pram at all when it’s raining? Maybe your mum feels more comfortable child in a pram over the child walking? No need for shouting from her though

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