Starting to get this horrible feeling I’m being used by dh and my in laws.

Yes, and I definitely wouldn’t be seeking ‘help’ from the mosque as someone up-post suggested 🙄

You are exhausted.
Have a full check up with your GP to rule out any chronic low iron etc. and also ask if there are any local mother and baby groups.
Once the baby is old enough, adventure out more - go out and make more contacts. Also claim yourself more rest.
Make your every day life a more enjoyable for yourself.
Reflect on your situation compared to your friends.
Invite your SIL out for play dates and walks.

Make simple reasonable requests of your husband.
Please help me with XXX.

Help with family if YOU feel it practical and you are happy but expect a thank you. Comment - SIL, Did you not want me to care for your children? Well, a simple 'thank you' would be nice.
Let DH see you actively greet guests at your own door. You are not a slave banished to the kitchen. You stay and welcome and ask people in. Ask DH to put the kettle on.
Make changes to make your situation better.
See how you feel. How you feel about DH. Do you need more date nights?

It is right that you feel valued, equally powerful and content.

"Revert" is "a bit rude" to every other person who is not a Muslim. The term "revert" is used because of the belief that all people are born Muslim.

I just want to add my voice to all the others who are advising you to get help either from your own family or from one of the women's charities set up to help people like you OP, as a woman should never be treated the way you are.

I hope that you can escape this relationship, both quickly and safely, and go on to live a happy life, teaching your own children that this is NO WAY TO LIVE.

Remember, the most important thing in order to keep yourself and your children safe, is to keep your plans to yourself, and trust no one but those who are offering you help from outside the family. I wish you all the very best.

Honestly I don’t understand why women like you put up with this? Can someone explain? You get with these men from backwards countries, who don’t have a pot to piss in, but somehow they think their ethnicity means they are royalty and you are a peasant?

My best friend’s partner is a man from a similar culture (they’re both British though). Due to their caste system, she is basically the hired help regardless of her education, career and personality. She is out of his league in every way possible but is treated like scum essentially. All the same things happen where MIL doesn’t respect her and SIL is revered. She complains about how she gets treated all the time but ultimately she (and you) are the only ones who can save yourself from this situation.

I understand your feelings but I partly highlighted it because well, she can call herself whatever she likes and from her point of view (and many other Muslims as you have pointed out), it is correct terminology. My main reason though is that she is facing loads of problems with people putting their expectations onto her and here you are doing exactly the same.

I didn't mean to be rude. I was being factual and am responding only because you asked me a question. I guess I don't like to see English misused. Revert means to go back to something. I know Islam believes everyone was a Muslim originally. I think there should be another specifically Islamic word to describe their belief rather than misusing English. But that's derailing the thread from the really serious problem OP faces, so sorry for that.

I am sorry. They are all abusive and are treating you no better than a slave
What about your parents/ Siblings?
Are you in contact with them?
You really need someone in your corner.
I hope the links posted of relevant organisations may help you find the safest way out.

Is divorcing a realistic option?

Do you not see this as a situation of whereby people are treating you the way you are allowing them to treat you?
Sorry OP but this is just so far removed from what I would accept. I keep reading these posts where it’s women simpering after their husbands and it saddens me so much.
Why have you changed who you are for a man? I just can’t imagine being like this, so it’s very difficult for me to understand and honestly makes me quite angry.

You can't spend the rest of your life like this. Start planning your way out. Be careful though.

It isnt really important but why are you telling the op that she is not a revert? If she chooses to use that term as many others do then it’s a bit rude to tell her she is wrong is it not?

Awful, where are your family and friends ? You need to make plans to leave.

I lost you when you said you changed your personality for this.

OP what the hec? You aren’t a slave here to serve. You live in the modern world, don’t you want more for your daughters than this?

Awful. This is the reality of marrying into a culture you don't understand beforehand. This is your life now if you choose to stay married.

Also, make sure you have the children’s birth certificates and passports safe. If they get taken to Pakistan they aren’t in The Hague convention.

You are not loved, cherished or respected. Your husband despises you.

You have been chosen to produce children and raise them whilst being a housekeeper.

I do not believe for one minute that your husband is faithful to you.

What are you going to do about it to get out of this mess so that you are not a slave and you can be yourself and not keep up the ridiculous and false pretence of being what you think your husband wants.

This just sounds like a typical Muslim man and his family to be honest. Very old fashioned, backward and misogynistic beliefs. You couldn’t pay me to marry a Muslim man, the women are treated like second class, controlled and it seems the fact you’re not Pakistani born makes them view you as even less than your SIL. They usually keep to their own and it seems frowned upon to even marry a white woman.

If Dobby the house elf heard your story he would suggest putting a sock in a book and getting your husband to accidentally give it to you.
Dark humour, but that's what your story put me in mind of. 💔
Really sorry op to hear you are valued so poorly, there are farmers who treat their livestock better than this family is treating you.

I hope there is a way out for you.

Hi Op,

To be honest if your husband isn't going to stand up for you then your better off leaving. I'm a revert married to an Indian, but different as he was born here.
His family tried same bullshit as yours but he stands up for me and doesn't allow it otherwise I wouldn't have stayed.
Another poster said about not attending family funerals, I can't believe people actually believe things like that. When my Nan died and she was catholic my husband was a Pall Barer. My Nan really liked my husband and he respects my family have a different religion and had a great relationship with her.
Just wanted to say this to show not all people from that type of background behave the same way.
Do you have your families support?? If so then I would reach out to them.

I knew before you stated that this was a Pakistani family before you mentioned it. I married into one. Seen it so many times. I'm not a revert Christian here, but the culture (not the Muslim religion) can be quite harsh to women. I think it's time to think about yourself from now on. I promise this will never ever change

This way of treating a DiL is not specifically Muslim. You will also find it in Hindu and Sikh families, where women are also second class people, and MiL's word is law.

The only way out is not to play the game. This is likely to also end the marriage.
NB You are right about new SiL - but her expectations may be different since she comes from Pakistan.

What about your parents? Are they around.

I suggest you get yourself back rather than trying to fit in with DH's family. Be you. Don't say yes to cooking and clearing up for 15 - that's outrageous! It's very, very easy to fall into this situation and fulfil the unreasonable expectations. You need to decide whether you want to continue like this or leave, because your DH is not going to change and nor is his mother.
If you decide to stay but revert to your real self, you may find that you are treated with more respect, btw. You may also find your marriage comes unstuck.💐

That's not true. You can't say culture and bring in religion. The religion itself states the rights of a wife and that a husband should be caring, supportive and compassionate. This includes helping around the house and treating his wife well. This was introduced in the times where even in the west this was not practiced.

However, colukture makes things difficult. I am sorry to hear that they treat you like that and deep down you know you should be treated better. Seems like they are taking it out on you and your naivety of being non Pakistani. Though if they are this way then won't be long until the new SIL will be treated in a similar fashion.

I would discuss this with your husband. I hope you have a supportive family yourself and hope that things get better. Should they not then maybe move in with family if you can.

It's a very difficult situation and they don't sound like nice people. My prayers are with you 🙏