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Original poster

It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

135 replies

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 17:52

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man.

It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony.

We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school.

DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet.

I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad.

The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late.

We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue.

YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone.

YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

OP posts:
Keepgettingolder81 · 08/02/2025 21:13

Just go to the wedding!
The leavers concert is usually the week before anyway, so I wouldn't worry.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/02/2025 21:12

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:18

This is a good idea, thank you. We will definitely do this if I end up going to the wedding, or even if I don't actually it's still a good idea!

Show quote history

Do this, go to the wedding and let her grandparents take her. You said 'they're brilliant with her'. That's the key thing. You're leaving her in the charge of people who love her and look after her really well. I think you're right that if you stay back it risks making it seem like a bigger deal - a bit like all the parents crying which really isn't great for anyone! Set up the catch up the week after with her good friends. The last day is just one day, and there'll be plenty of other things in the last few weeks that you'll be there for.

JimHalpertsWife · 08/02/2025 21:09

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 21:02

I would stay with my child.

The bride and groom have cheaped out with a weekday wedding so they shouldn't be that surprised if some people can't attend

And do what? Pick the child up, come home, make dinner. That's all. Same as every other day.

berksandbeyond · 08/02/2025 21:02

I would stay with my child.

The bride and groom have cheaped out with a weekday wedding so they shouldn't be that surprised if some people can't attend

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/02/2025 21:00

If you have capable and willing grandparents I think it's a lovely opportunity to let them be involved. You can go to the Leavers' Assembly the day before. Knowing you are missing a close friend's wedding is going to add more pressure to your DD

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 20:54

*Vitriolinsanity *

I wouldn’t expect the groom to know the OPs kids term dates but I would expect him to ask one of the tiny amount of guests attending if the date was convenient for them before booking.

Happyhippos123 · 08/02/2025 20:43

I agree with others that the last day of primary is only a big deal if the kids and parents make it a big deal - I'm surprised to read about kids being waved off by all the school, or parents singing to them.

If your school is going to have an emotional send off like this, it might well be better for your daughter to miss it, and finish up with the leavers event the evening before.

So I think you go to the wedding, and your DD skips the last day and stays with grandparents, so there's no risk of any drama and upset.

The leavers assembly in my DDs school was lovely, definately lots of misty eyed parents, kids were busy with songs etc so space for drama lamas to indulge but it was enough.

okydokethen · 08/02/2025 20:38

I'd feel too awful to miss the last day and would drive up after school with a stop off for dinner and expect to arrive about 7pm.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:31

pimplebum · 08/02/2025 20:24

Our primary has a lovely tradition of clapping year 6 out and them all the parents go to the park and drink and nibble kids run around
it lovely but your asd may not mind missing out on something like that ?

ask her what she thinks ?

can she not sleep over at a friends house , go to last day , get a relative to put her on a train you pick her up from station ?

It would be a 4+ hour journey involving changing trains. Maybe some Y6 kids would be fine with that but it would definitely be too much for DD and I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

I haven't asked her what she thinks yet but knowing DD she will say "ill be fine, you should go" even if she really wants me to stay. If she really does want me to stay it would more than likely come out in the form of a huge meltdown a week or two before.

OP posts:
Browniesandcustard · 08/02/2025 20:30

Go to the wedding … get GP’s to do the last day. It’s primary school and they’ll do all sorts in the last week anyway.

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 20:29

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/02/2025 20:23

Just both of you go to the wedding, her GP's can be there for her.

I do think making last day of primary school into such a whoohaa with 'Leavers Assemblies' and the like a bit ridiculous. Never had any of this when I was at primary and I'm not that old. I remember on the last day of Grammar we just signed each others shirts and ties. That was it, no fuss made by the school itself.

I do think it's the adults that turn this into such a big thing these days.

Agree. Hyping the kids up is ridiculous. Making a big to-do over run of the mill events skews expectations. And often sets them up for disappointment.

pimplebum · 08/02/2025 20:24

Our primary has a lovely tradition of clapping year 6 out and them all the parents go to the park and drink and nibble kids run around
it lovely but your asd may not mind missing out on something like that ?

ask her what she thinks ?

can she not sleep over at a friends house , go to last day , get a relative to put her on a train you pick her up from station ?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/02/2025 20:23

Just both of you go to the wedding, her GP's can be there for her.

I do think making last day of primary school into such a whoohaa with 'Leavers Assemblies' and the like a bit ridiculous. Never had any of this when I was at primary and I'm not that old. I remember on the last day of Grammar we just signed each others shirts and ties. That was it, no fuss made by the school itself.

I do think it's the adults that turn this into such a big thing these days.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:22

Vitriolinsanity · 08/02/2025 20:17

They're doing the Leavers assembly the day before because they know from experience most people skip the last day anyway to get an early flight.

It really is less a rite of passage and more a drama filled sobfest.

Can the GP's do the honours and chuck her in the car to come to the wedding later.

I am laughing at the "inconsiderate groom", terms end on different days in different schools and if he has no kids he wouldn't have a clue about the Y6 sobfest.

He does have kids but I'm still not pissed off with him, he can get married whenever he wants.

Do you mean the GP's drive DD to the wedding afterschool? It's a 6 hour round trip, I wouldn't expect them to do that!

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 20:19

I'd attend the wedding. At some point you need to prioritize your marriage and friends.

School leavings are a one-day wonder; it all will be shortly forgotten. Plan something for her to look forward to after your return.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:18

littleducks · 08/02/2025 20:08

Any chance you could set up something with the two best friends for the following week? Trip to cinema/bowling/mini golf if she doesn't like big crowds so the last day doesn't feel like such a scary thing as she knows exactly when she will see them next?

This is a good idea, thank you. We will definitely do this if I end up going to the wedding, or even if I don't actually it's still a good idea!

OP posts:
Vitriolinsanity · 08/02/2025 20:17

They're doing the Leavers assembly the day before because they know from experience most people skip the last day anyway to get an early flight.

It really is less a rite of passage and more a drama filled sobfest.

Can the GP's do the honours and chuck her in the car to come to the wedding later.

I am laughing at the "inconsiderate groom", terms end on different days in different schools and if he has no kids he wouldn't have a clue about the Y6 sobfest.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:15

Crunchymum · 08/02/2025 20:03

Is that ususal for a date to 'only just' be confirmed? I thought people sent save the dates out years in advance?

I appreciate you are taking into consideration your friends feelings, he also needs to take into consideration this is a big day for your child?

What is your DH's opinion about it all?

My PFB left last year (I even posted on here how surprisingly emotional I was). He had his leavers assembly a few days before end of term and that same day a major outbreak of Noro hit the school. They ended up having to close the school 2 days early (thus cancelling the Y6 leavers disco and the parents picnic they host on the last day!). My Y6 actually escaped the dreaded outbreak but it took me and my 2 younger kids out and we only just made our holiday later that week. Given the turn of events, it certainly sorted out my lack of emotional resilience about DC1 leaving!!

I'm much more laid back about DC2 leaving.

I don't think it's usual, no. Not in my experience anyway. But maybe because it's a much smaller wedding than we've been to previously, I don't know.

DH said he thinks DD will be fine with GP's but he also gets that it's a big day for her and there is potential for an afterschool meltdown so he will completely understand if I don't go. So he's sitting firmly on the fence basically! 🤣

OP posts:
PaperRing · 08/02/2025 20:14

Very much on the 'go to the wedding, she'll be fine with grandparents' camp.
Your DD won't be the only one without parents around on the day itself - and I know you won't be there in the evening to see her - but if she's got a good relationship with grandparents they will be more than able to support her through this.
Maybe I'm unusual in that I can barely remember my final day of primary school (admittedly 20 years on) but I'd be really sad if my mum had missed the wedding of a really close friend because of me finishing Year 6.

PicaK · 08/02/2025 20:12

I don't think much happens at the end of the last day - they go to a local park at ours. Grandparents picking up is OK if they are happy to tag along and not freak out (like my parents would).
Make sure you have bought a black sharpie and go enjoy the wedding.

littleducks · 08/02/2025 20:08

Any chance you could set up something with the two best friends for the following week? Trip to cinema/bowling/mini golf if she doesn't like big crowds so the last day doesn't feel like such a scary thing as she knows exactly when she will see them next?

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:03

WitcheryDivine · 08/02/2025 19:55

What about seeing if one of the other close friend parents could host a sleepover for the group (or just your daughter) that night? Would be really special.

This is a really nice idea. Unfortunately DD doesn't 'do' sleepovers. We've tried, she just just doesn't like sleeping over anywhere unless its at GP's or her cousins. Before we found out about the wedding I was thinking we'd probably go for pizza with her 2 best friends and their parents or something.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 08/02/2025 20:03

Is that ususal for a date to 'only just' be confirmed? I thought people sent save the dates out years in advance?

I appreciate you are taking into consideration your friends feelings, he also needs to take into consideration this is a big day for your child?

What is your DH's opinion about it all?

My PFB left last year (I even posted on here how surprisingly emotional I was). He had his leavers assembly a few days before end of term and that same day a major outbreak of Noro hit the school. They ended up having to close the school 2 days early (thus cancelling the Y6 leavers disco and the parents picnic they host on the last day!). My Y6 actually escaped the dreaded outbreak but it took me and my 2 younger kids out and we only just made our holiday later that week. Given the turn of events, it certainly sorted out my lack of emotional resilience about DC1 leaving!!

I'm much more laid back about DC2 leaving.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/02/2025 20:02

What if she went back to one of her friends house for a a bit and go pick up from there so it feels less of a big goodbye than and just like I’ll see you next time? It might mute the feeling of missing you to comfort her?

But if not, personally I would stay just as I feel she could have that empty feeling after all that big emotions but guess it depends how close/easy she finds it to be open with gp?

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 20:01

DiscoBeat · 08/02/2025 19:55

I'm your situation if she were keen to be there I'd go too and let your DH go to the wedding. At least both your friends and your daughter would be represented. Such unfortunate timing, I get it.

DH will definitely go, but DD isn't going as she doesn't want to miss her last day. Hence my dilemma.

OP posts: