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Original poster

It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

135 replies

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 17:52

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man.

It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony.

We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school.

DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet.

I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad.

The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late.

We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue.

YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone.

YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 09/02/2025 11:06

You should definitely go to the wedding. Your dh needs you for support and honestly it will be difficult for the bride and groom to understand that their wedding is missed because of your child’s last day at school when grandparents are able to take over. You will be gone for next to no time and back the next day. I understand your dd has transitional issues but she isn’t being left with strangers and grandparents will ensure she is okay. Perhaps you can arrange a phone call or something to check on her and perhaps a leaving gift which grandparents can give her.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 10:57

TickingAlongNicely · 09/02/2025 10:54

After a week of the emotional overdrive, last year my DD just wanted to be home, with me, to decompress. She absolutely hated the place and home was calm and safe.
She might have been OK with one set of grandparents, but she might not have. She was only really able to open up about the bullying to me and her sister.

Its tricky because they all react differently.

Your poor DD. I'm really sorry that this was her experience. It sounds like you have a lovely close relationship though.

DD absolutely loves her school, teachers and little group of friends but finds the sensory aspect of school really hard and some children have not been kind about her SEN so it will be a day of very mixed emotions for sure.

OP posts:
TickingAlongNicely · 09/02/2025 10:54

After a week of the emotional overdrive, last year my DD just wanted to be home, with me, to decompress. She absolutely hated the place and home was calm and safe.
She might have been OK with one set of grandparents, but she might not have. She was only really able to open up about the bullying to me and her sister.

Its tricky because they all react differently.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 09/02/2025 10:53

@BettyBardMacDonald i don’t think things are necessarily hyped up, and it certainly doesn’t sound like it in this case

These kids have spent 7 years going to school in one place with the same group of friends. It’s the end of a key stage of their lives and feeling sad at it coming to an end and apprehensive about a big change is natural.

I think it’s great that op has spoken to her dd and understands her feelings about it. She’ll now be there for her and her dd will feel reassured and supported, something that she’ll probably remember forever.

Gymrabbit · 09/02/2025 10:48

OP - I think you are doing the right thing and absolutely right to bring it up casually and see how it goes.

I generally agree on the things being overhyped nowadays but I also remember leaving primary school over 30 years ago and that it was a big deal even then so I’m not sure things have changed that much.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 10:46

That's too bad. I don't know why schools and parents hype these things to the point where kids get tearful about them. Making a big deal out of an ordinary last day, to the point it affects other plans.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/02/2025 10:42

Aw bless her. Definitely put her first. But then in the space of there is no one else’s wedding the two of us would absolutely have to be at. DH is part of the wedding party so that’s that.

Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 10:40

Goldengirl123 · 09/02/2025 08:48

You are making this into a big deal for your children. Just don’t mention your worries to them. If they haven’t said anything to you then don’t put ideas in their heads

How am I making it a big deal for DD by posting on here? I haven't mentioned my "worries" to her at all, i've mentioned them here to get advice. She already knows about the wedding, and since she's Autistic it's important to prepare her for things (like one or both of us being away) in advance. I can't just disappear for a a night away without talking to her about it first, maybe some kids would be fine with that but we're not in that position.

OP posts:
Original poster
notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 10:32

UPDATE:

I asked DD how she would feel about GP's doing the school run and having a sleepover at their house on her last day. I brought it up whilst we were driving to her hobby as a casual "oh by the way..." type thing because I'm mindful of what pp's have said about parents feeding a lot of the emotion/drama around this stuff. She shrugged and said yeah that's fine. I told her that DH and I will both be there for the leavers assembly the day before. I also suggested we plan something with her 2 best friends for a few days after. She said that would be nice.

She was really quiet for the rest of the drive. She never stops talking normally! so when we got there I asked if she was OK. Her eyes filled with tears. She tried to hide it but was clearly upset.

Eventually she told me she doesn't want me to miss the wedding but she feels sad and panicky at the thought of not having me around on the last day because she doesn't know how she's going to feel when she wakes up in the morning or when she comes out of school. She said she loves her GP's and knows they would look after her if she was upset but it's "not the same". She said I know I sound like a baby but I just want you there, Mum. I told her that doesn’t make her babyish as I'm 41 and still want my Mum sometimes when things are difficult!

I've never known DD turn down the opportunity to spend time with her GP's so it's clearly a big deal to her.

I was half expecting this reaction, half expecting her to not care at all. It's tough to predict with DD. But now that I know how she feels I guess that's made my decision for me!

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 09/02/2025 08:48

You are making this into a big deal for your children. Just don’t mention your worries to them. If they haven’t said anything to you then don’t put ideas in their heads

MiddleClassProblem · 08/02/2025 23:46

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:40

Btw when did this become "a thing" my dc are young adults and last day of primary was no big deal, there was assembly and dd1 got a prize for highest sats mark but otherwise they came out of school and went home via the sweet shop, a decent percentage missed it completely as they had gone on holiday (fines started the following year)

I left primary in the 90s and it was a thing then. We all signed each others shirts or jumpers. Tears but I think the parents organised a meet up in a park after where we played rounders and had a picnic.

You are potentially with those kids every weekday, 39 weeks a year from 4 years to 11 then might never see them again. You’re also leaving a place that you know to go somewhere you don’t at all.

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:45

@TheMadGardener

Less than half the kids at my DD's primary were collected by parents, last day was no exception, but then there was no overly emotional silliness either. 80% + went onto the same secondary so would have been rather over the top to be sobbing Grin

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:40

Btw when did this become "a thing" my dc are young adults and last day of primary was no big deal, there was assembly and dd1 got a prize for highest sats mark but otherwise they came out of school and went home via the sweet shop, a decent percentage missed it completely as they had gone on holiday (fines started the following year)

mitogoshigg · 08/02/2025 23:35

If she's close to her grandparents I'm sure they can substitute for you if needed. Go enjoy yourselves

HMW1906 · 08/02/2025 23:28

I’d go to the wedding and let grandparents do pick up. From what you’ve said it’s going to be more about leaving the 2 best friends than leaving the school so I’d just arrange something for that weekend or the following week for her to see her friends so that she knows that it’s not going to be the last time she sees them.

Bestfadeplans · 08/02/2025 23:27

I dont think parents need to be involved in the last day do they? Unless the assembly is in that day, which it isnt

BlondiePortz · 08/02/2025 23:24

notanotherweddingaibu · 08/02/2025 17:58

She definitely will not want to miss the last day of school, which I understand as I would have been the same at her age.

Show quote history

Agreed my child would not have wanted too either, I would send my husband and stay with my child

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2025 23:23

If you or your husband’s attendance was critical, they would have checked the date before scheduling the wedding. That is what people do for must attend guests.

Ponderingwindow · 08/02/2025 23:21

At our school the last day is a very big deal. All the parents come and all the students line the halls as the leavers walk out of the building for the last time.

we didn’t get to do it because of Covid, so they actually brought us all back later to recreate the moment it was considered so important.

I can’t imagine missing that last day.

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 22:52

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 21:24

Now you are being ridiculous.

Show quote history

Why is it ridiculous?
The OP clearly said it is a tiny wedding. A rough count up from the OP suggests 12 people. And the groom couldn’t be bothered to check that it was convenient for 1/4 of those people before booking.
The OP just needs to do what she wants. The groom clearly wasn’t fussed if she and her daughter attend if he didn’t check the date. (Obviously it would be different if it was 5o people or so)

HippogriffTattoo · 08/02/2025 21:49

Depends doesn't it? Do you still want to be friends with your closest friends after missing their tiny wedding? Because I wouldn't see you as a friend after that

TheMadGardener · 08/02/2025 21:31

I am a teacher. I was not physically at either of my DDs last days of primary school as I was, you know, at my own school and picked them up from childcare later. They were fine. It wasn't a big deal. Go to the wedding, DD has grandparents for any support, she will be fine.
I can't stand it when Y6 mums cause upset to the kids because the mums are sobbing on the playground because their little darlings are leaving primary. It makes the kids think they should be crying too. Most of the Y6s I've known haven't sobbed through the last day, I can only remember one class that did that (mass hysteria). It's only a big deal if parents make it a big deal. Sorry if that seems callous.

Pottedpalm · 08/02/2025 21:24

Gymrabbit · 08/02/2025 19:42

I don’t feel strongly about the issue at hand but I’d be pretty pissed off with the groom tbh. It’s a tiny wedding but he didn’t bother to check that the date was a good one for his best man and family? Or was your daughter not invited anyway?

Now you are being ridiculous.

NameChangedOfc · 08/02/2025 21:17

Talipesmum · 08/02/2025 18:06

It would be v sad to miss the wedding but I do think, with what you’ve said about your DD, I’d stay at home for the day and send DH to the wedding.

Agree

BlueSilverCats · 08/02/2025 21:17

You know your DD best. Some kids literally said bye and they were off, not even one look back. Some were devastated, crying, clinging to us/their peers, hugs, wanted pics with the teachers etc.
Some were slightly emotional, had a hug then off they went.

You know best, what kind of child your DD is and whether she'll actually need you for comfort on the day.