It's a wedding one! Missing DD's last day of school

notanotherweddingaibu · 2025-02-08T17:52:20+00:00

DH's best friend of many years is getting married in July. DH is the best man. It will be a small, intimate wedding. Apart from the B&G's DC, the B&G's parents and the brides sister and her DP, DH and I are the only people invited to the ceremony. We were only told the date last week and it turns out the wedding is on the last day of the school term, and our Year 6 DD's last ever day of primary school. DD is Autistic and struggles with 'transitions' so is anxious about the prospect of moving up to secondary school. DD and her 2 best friends are all going to different secondary schools, and although there are good reasons for this and DD is definitely happy with her choice I think it's likely all 3 of them will become upset at some point when the realisation hits that it's their last day at school together. We know that the Leavers assembly isn't on the last day, but I suppose it's possible that there may be something else going on involving parents on the last day that hasn't been announced yet. I am struggling with the idea of DD not having a parent around so part of me thinks DH should just go without me. I feel I should put her first. But the Groom is one of our oldest and closest friends. I'm very fond of him and the idea of missing his wedding makes me feel really sad. The wedding is a 3 hour drive away, so we wouldn't be able to take her to school then go. We will either have to stay overnight or be back very late. We are lucky to have two sets of GP's who are very willing babysitters so childcare not an issue. YABU: Of course you can't both miss your DD's last day of primary school, DH should go to the wedding alone. YANBU: She'll be fine with the GP's, of course you should both go to the wedding.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 19:23

A whole fortnight? That's mad

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/02/2025 19:20

Will it actually be her last day at school? Here, Y6 go for a transition fortnight at their high schools for the last 2 weeks of the summer term.

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 19:05

Bestfadeplans · 09/02/2025 18:24

If you feel that way, why have you posted asking for advice?

You can make it, you've got childcare covered, you've just chosen not to.

Edited

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I didn't know that asking for advice meant you weren't allowed to disagree with anything that is said on the thread!

I agree, I've made a choice to prioritise my child. I'm not disputing that.

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AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 09/02/2025 18:51

Haha - apologies for my pot/kettle moment when I didn't read later posts 🙄

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 09/02/2025 18:33

Another one where no one's reading the OP?! The parents didn't mingle with the children barely at all on my DC's last day. We all went to the park and the parents consoled each other with wine and nibbles and the children hung out nearby. Some of the teachers came down to say goodbye but it wasn't at all important for me to be there, as far as my daughter was concerned. I think your DD will be fine with her friends and GPs.

If you think you'll be OK then I think it's fine to miss it.

Bestfadeplans · 09/02/2025 18:24

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 11:40

DD is very resilient. Hence she has made the decision to go to a different high school to her friends, because its the right environment for her.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that she is "always shielded from anything that's hard" and that we are "always caving to her fears". In the last 12 months alone she has pushed herself massively out of her comfort zone to go on a residential trip, joined a new extra-curricular club where she didnt know anyone, and performed in front of very large audiences. She has also dealt with a bereavement and serious family illness.

Life is always going to be a bit harder for her than it would be if she was NT and there's nothing I can do to change that. DD has to do things every day that scare her. Because being ND in a world that is set up for the comfort and convenience of NT people is really, really hard. So to be honest with you if her SEN very occasionally causes "inconvenience/disappointment" for adults maybe they're the ones who need to develop their resilience?

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If you feel that way, why have you posted asking for advice?

You can make it, you've got childcare covered, you've just chosen not to.

Longma · 09/02/2025 16:10

Roselilly36 · 08/02/2025 19:28

The last day of year 6 is really special, well it was for both of my two at their school. Don’t miss out on that lovely last day OP.

Nothing much happened on DD's actual last day. As a teacher I couldn't be there most of the time for it anyway. She had various events in the week or two before which me or Dh got to. Those were the big events.

The final day they finished early and went out for a lunch at a local eatery. About half the parents attended with the rest being at work, but those that went took the ones without parents. Then one family hosted a big sleepover at their house that night, going straight after the late lunch - parents didn't go to that.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 14:39

If you invite someone with dc to your wedding, on a school day, then you have to be prepared that they might not be able to make it.

TickingAlongNicely · 09/02/2025 14:34

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:53

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

I would cool a friendship with someone who was so wrapped up in their own world they expected their wedding to be prioritised over a child with additional needs...

Friendships go both ways.

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 13:47

Toomanyemails · 09/02/2025 13:03

You sound like a lovely mum, a good friend and generally a very kind and chilled person!
It's a shame B&G didn't check the dates with their small guest list, as it sounds like you and DP are the groom's only guests. Like you said, they have every right to do it how they want, but hopefully they'll understand the flip side of that is that not everyone will be able to make it. Can you do something separately as a four to celebrate, assuming you're also close with them?

That's a nice idea. I'll suggest that. Maybe we could take them out for a nice meal or something. I would say I am close with the Groom, he's DH's best mate first and foremost but I've known him for 20 years. I haven't seen as much of him over the last few years admittedly as he moved out of the area and doesn't come back often but i'm fond of him. I wouldn't say I'm close with his DP, she's not someone I would naturally gravitate towards as we're very different, but we get along fine. She seems to make him happy and she's good to his DC which all I care about.

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Talipesmum · 09/02/2025 13:32

OP I think you’ve gone about this exactly the right way. Very thoughtful and light touch no pressure way of raising it with your daughter, and great understanding to see past her answers. The right answer for her is likely different to the right answer for lots of other children. And as for your friends - your DH will be there, and if they are good friends I hope they would understand that you don’t take these decisions lightly. Very much a shame to miss it, and sod’s Law will say that your DD is completely fine and relaxed on her last day - but you have to take the decisions you think are best.

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 13:27

BlueSilverCats · 09/02/2025 13:05

That's not how resilience works. Resilience is knowing and accepting the thing will happen, doing it anyway, knowing you'll get through it and having a plan for it. For a 10/11yo wanting her mum there when she knows it'll be an emotional/distressing time is actually great forward planning and preparation. It's like taking a painkiller before a painful intervention.

It's also not avoiding her fear. She's still going in. She's doing the day. She's doing the leaving thing. She'll feel all the feelings.

The fact that she'd much rather have her mum there for comfort and support on a day she knows she'll needed doesn't mean she's avoiding anything or not being resilient.

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Exactly this. You've articulated my thoughts on the matter much more eloquently (and less stroppily!) than I did so thank you.

It's frustrating that many people still see accommodations or support for Autistic children as a barrier to developing resilience when actually the opposite is true! But I also accept that some aspects of parenting an ND child must seem counter-intuitive if you're used to parenting NT kids. I still second guess myself sometimes, hence this thread!

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ChaosNegotiator · 09/02/2025 13:08

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:53

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

I think if a couple are planning such a tiny wedding that it's non-negotiable for all their invited guests to attend it would be sensible to check that it doesn't clash with any unmovable commitments the guests already have.

BlueSilverCats · 09/02/2025 13:05

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:24

Just food for thought:

How will she develop resilience if she's always shielded from anything had, even when the shielding causes significant inconvenience/disappointment for others? Always caving to her fears just validates them.

Everyone, even people with autism, must learn how to handle things that don't 100 percent go as they please.

I would think the presence of loving grandparents would suffice. You can't be at her side every challenging moment of her life.

That's not how resilience works. Resilience is knowing and accepting the thing will happen, doing it anyway, knowing you'll get through it and having a plan for it. For a 10/11yo wanting her mum there when she knows it'll be an emotional/distressing time is actually great forward planning and preparation. It's like taking a painkiller before a painful intervention.

It's also not avoiding her fear. She's still going in. She's doing the day. She's doing the leaving thing. She'll feel all the feelings.

The fact that she'd much rather have her mum there for comfort and support on a day she knows she'll needed doesn't mean she's avoiding anything or not being resilient.

Toomanyemails · 09/02/2025 13:03

You sound like a lovely mum, a good friend and generally a very kind and chilled person!
It's a shame B&G didn't check the dates with their small guest list, as it sounds like you and DP are the groom's only guests. Like you said, they have every right to do it how they want, but hopefully they'll understand the flip side of that is that not everyone will be able to make it. Can you do something separately as a four to celebrate, assuming you're also close with them?

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 12:42

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:53

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

OK, well we're all different I suppose.

I'm generally of the opinion that people should have the wedding they want, but if what they want is a weekday wedding, during term time, then it shouldn't be a huge shock if friends with school aged children can't make it.

Also DH is taking a day off work, booking a hotel and travelling to be there so he is prioritising the wedding.

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WhollarBill · 09/02/2025 12:21

You already have your answer, but I was going to say you should stay.
I wouldn't have left my autistic DC on the last day of primary school. It is such a huge transition to secondary school and the summer holidays might be tough for her as she will be thinking about what's to come.
The posters saying she needs to build resilience or you should go to the wedding and explain it to her are very logical. But sadly life with an autistic child is far from logical sometimes!

Echobelly · 09/02/2025 11:55

I think you should go to wedding - prepare DD, say it's your best friend's wedding, you'll go to end of your assemblies etc. I agree it might not be that important to her for you to be around. If she can be with grandparents she has someone close to share with emotionally.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 11:54

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:53

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

Their best man will be there.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:53

I would definitely cool a 20-year friendship if I realized my friends didn't prioritize my tiny wedding.

I wouldn't think ill of them, but I would accept that we weren't very important to them and that our lifestyles weren't compatible going forward, and not exert myself to perpetuate the relationship.

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 11:40

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:24

Just food for thought:

How will she develop resilience if she's always shielded from anything had, even when the shielding causes significant inconvenience/disappointment for others? Always caving to her fears just validates them.

Everyone, even people with autism, must learn how to handle things that don't 100 percent go as they please.

I would think the presence of loving grandparents would suffice. You can't be at her side every challenging moment of her life.

DD is very resilient. Hence she has made the decision to go to a different high school to her friends, because its the right environment for her.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that she is "always shielded from anything that's hard" and that we are "always caving to her fears". In the last 12 months alone she has pushed herself massively out of her comfort zone to go on a residential trip, joined a new extra-curricular club where she didnt know anyone, and performed in front of very large audiences. She has also dealt with a bereavement and serious family illness.

Life is always going to be a bit harder for her than it would be if she was NT and there's nothing I can do to change that. DD has to do things every day that scare her. Because being ND in a world that is set up for the comfort and convenience of NT people is really, really hard. So to be honest with you if her SEN very occasionally causes "inconvenience/disappointment" for adults maybe they're the ones who need to develop their resilience?

OP posts:

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 11:26

HippogriffTattoo · 08/02/2025 21:49

Depends doesn't it? Do you still want to be friends with your closest friends after missing their tiny wedding? Because I wouldn't see you as a friend after that

Really? You would end a 20 year friendship with a couple because they decided that one of them should be with their child on a day that was going to be particularly challenging for her due to her additional needs?

Presumably if you felt that strongly you'd have checked with your friends before setting the date? That hasn't happened in our case.

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BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:24

Just food for thought:

How will she develop resilience if she's always shielded from anything had, even when the shielding causes significant inconvenience/disappointment for others? Always caving to her fears just validates them.

Everyone, even people with autism, must learn how to handle things that don't 100 percent go as they please.

I would think the presence of loving grandparents would suffice. You can't be at her side every challenging moment of her life.

BlueSilverCats · 09/02/2025 11:14

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 10:46

That's too bad. I don't know why schools and parents hype these things to the point where kids get tearful about them. Making a big deal out of an ordinary last day, to the point it affects other plans.

There doesn't have to be hype for children to form attachments to places, routines or people. It's actually quite normal. Add in the fact that for some children it is a massive change in terms of location, familiarity, size, having no other friends or one or two etc., the last day can feel very emotional and a big deal regardless of how parents/schools act.

I have ex pupils that still come to visit me every now and then or run to me for a hug and a chat if they see me out in the "wild".

Original poster

notanotherweddingaibu · 09/02/2025 11:11

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 10:46

That's too bad. I don't know why schools and parents hype these things to the point where kids get tearful about them. Making a big deal out of an ordinary last day, to the point it affects other plans.

I get where you're coming from. I agree that it doesn't benefit the kids to make it a massive deal. In our case I don't think the school are hyping them up really. Transitions are just really hard for DD because of her SEN and she's really anxious about the move up to high school, but that's not the schools fault. I can think of a couple of parents who will almost certainly be doing some performative weeping and wailing on the last day though, and it will 100% not help the situation 😕

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