Page 6 | DM redecorated my lounge

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 09/02/2025 20:12

try and rest, recover, focus on baby. parents will come round at some point. just say the same thing you said all along. its diplomatic, truthful and honestly .. very forgiving. i don't know how you managed to do that, but you did good!
i dont know anyone who would do this, at such a time, and think they were helping by not consulting and asking, And your dad's comments that it was too plain is also bloody ridiculous.
Do they think that you are still a child, is it your first child? Just know that you have to start putting boundaries in place. It sounds like they are possibly trying to unconsciously keep you as their baby, and them as knowing what's good for you. You really will have to tackle that and put boundaries in place i think.
Sorry i haven't read the full thread which i think is a criminal offence here, but it really does sound like they want to help, but in an overbearing parental way that infantalises you in the process. It may suit them, but will be a disaster for you and your partner and family.
Congratulations on new baby and i do hope that you can recover and rest despite the upset. And enjoy.
Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it in years to come (unless your mom is highly anxious and unrelaxed).
Sounds like you did amazing to keep your cool.

starwarsandpeace · 09/02/2025 20:07

It genuinely sounds like your Mum has done this to get your attention and it’s weird.
Are you an only child? Not wanting to talk to you flagged you’ve just given birth AND had sepsis which is scary as hell, makes her sound awful. She seems jealous you have your own family and is trying to get revenge on you!

masterblaster · 09/02/2025 20:03

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 08/02/2025 12:31

Your parents are wieird..

Re-paint it..

What colour did they choose for their lounge

Paint their lounge. Assert dominance.

Daftypants · 09/02/2025 20:02

Oh !
I think you’ve been very restrained. I’d be really angry !
The last thing you need is having the painters in when you have just given birth and you have a long recovery !
Helpful would have been to do a thorough clean , do your ironing, catch up with laundry for you and fill your fridge with food you like .
They really ought to pay for the professionals to redecorate !
My mum when she visited after I’d had my first baby , honestly she fussed rather than actually helping , asked me endless questions about things that really didn’t matter when I was exhausted.
And she shrunk lots of clothes 😩 “ helping “
But thats nothing compared to what your mum has done

HappyMe6 · 09/02/2025 19:39

I’m not sure this post is genuine but if it is, I would be watching out now you have a child it sounds as though your DM likes to take control

saffronspices · 09/02/2025 19:37

You & DH have got this - as they say. You two are doing all the right things in the right way to support each other, you don't need mothers clucking and interfering, all you need is their support and understanding first and foremost, they are causing drama and you're both waving the red flag. Your priorities are you 3.

Your reasoning is sound and your observations during your upbringing have taught you that you don't want to be like your parents, you'll do things your way for your child's benefit, not your own. You sound just like me, I said "I'm 40 not 17, I know my own mind and what I want, I also know what I don't want" My DH took his mum's side, I think she was still secretly breast feeding him and the apron strings worked for them both. I battled with him for 3 years, always the same thing "my mum wants". Bye then, I'm done.

Sounds like your DH is a man, not a manchild - you'll be absolutely fine xx

Thistooshallpsss · 09/02/2025 19:37

I too am just wondering if your mum literally went mad with fear and can’t now see she was behaving completely crazily. Enjoy your lovely baby.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 19:31

weird socks are not the same as entering someone's house and repainting a room. Hve you RTFT? The parents have form for infantilising their child and this is just the latest most shocking example.

anon666 · 09/02/2025 19:26

Awwww, what a nightmare, I really feel for you.

Firstly congratulations on the baby and thank goodness you're on the mend. It sounds like a very scary experience and your first baby so that's huge anyway.

In your shoes I'd bury the hatchet ASAP even if it means apologising for hurting your mums feelings or similar. Get them round and get them helping. The thing is, disappointing though it was that it kinda grenaded your return from hospital, it's done and it's over. People are so weird. Your mum had somehow built it up in her own head that this was a really lovely gesture. It was probably displaced nervous energy from her helplessness at you being critically ill. Absolutely batshit but we humans are weird when under extreme stress. I have made some bizarro crafted gifts for people in similar situations. My sister had an exceptionally long and difficult labour with her first, and my mum was beside herself. I spent two solid days making a pair of weird socks out of a nubbly strangely coloured yarn.

As I handed them over I suddenly had a moment of clarity as to what I'd done and how weird they were. The yarn was really expensive and they took forever, but as I handed them over I had no words. I just mumbled "I know you like rainbow colours" as we stared at them in horror. I then said "don't feel you have to keep them, I think it was just therapeutic to make them for you because I was so worried".

If my sister had actually recoiled in horror instead of politely accepting them (then hopefully putting them in the bin), I'd have been upset because it was a heartfelt gesture, invested with all the emotion of standing by on tenterhooks all through that labour. Albeit the gift itself wasn't terribly successful. 🙄

Try to make a joke of it because I suspect in the long run you will all look back and laugh. "Remember when you had X and your mum redecorated your living room thinking you'd like it" 🤣🤣🤣

Gowlett · 09/02/2025 19:26

Blubstering, I agree with everything you’ve written above.
Your mum was clearly very worried about you, and did thi s to take her mind off it all / surprise or cheer you. She got it wrong.

Once you speak to her, see her, it will all be okay. You need her now, for you & the baby. I think you are a caring, understanding daughter.

CatsnCoffee · 09/02/2025 19:19

Precipice · 08/02/2025 12:34

I'd have gone ballistic. You were overly very diplomatic.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. She had no right. It's not her house. Would she like it if you went to her house and repainting it your way and tossed out her clothes and replaced them with ones you'd chosen? Would she be fully grateful for your efforts in doing something nice for her? There's nothing "nice" about it. She ought to restore it to what it was, and even then the bitterness about this outrage would hang over it.

It wasn’t really done to be ‘nice’; it was to replace a too ‘plain’ colour the OP had chosen. In other words, it was a way of telling the OP she doesn’t like her taste. It’s not her business. If OP wants yellow walls with red spots and a unicorn mural that’s OP’s call.

S18 · 09/02/2025 19:17

Honestly if they think this is reasonable behaviour then I wouldn’t trust them to look after your child ever. Unless you want to risk your child coming back with their hair cut or ears pierced etc

zelaide · 09/02/2025 19:10

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:00

I think mum will message me in a day or two and ask after the baby like nothing has happened and honestly, I’ll probably allow that water to pass under the bridge because like a PP said, I’ll regret looking back on this time now and not remembering her being around to help.

She’s not an awful person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38, I think still thinks I’m a child in lots of ways. I was a late bloomer, didn’t marry until my mid 30’s and so I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time. We’ve probably been guilty of a bit of codependency over the years and as a result now I’m married and a mother, she’s struggled with that adjustment.

She was definitely terrified when I was in hospital, she didn’t say anything direct to me or DH but the cuddle she gave me when she saw me said a lot and now I’ve got DS I can imagine seeing your child hurt is one of the hardest things.

The theories about attention seeking don’t make sense for mum, that’s not who she is or how she operates. It’s possible she wanted to assert some sort of control, but again it’s unlikely because she would usually do that by offering us money (which we never accept but the fact she’s offered she then uses as a ‘remember we’ve offered you £XXX to help you because we are such good parents and you can’t cope on your own two feet’ type thing). This would be the perfect time for those shenanigans if she was trying to achieve control.

I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her.

Im very willing to hopefully laugh about it one day (when my walls no longer remind me of Willy Wonka’s trousers) and hopefully mum will too.

From what I read both set of parents sound very similar , only one is people you love . . Anyhow the behavior of your mother is so weird that I would be worried about a form of illness

Saltypsych85 · 09/02/2025 19:09

Not sure if you will see this as you’ve had so many replies but can I say I think you’re handling this amazingly.

You’ve had such a difficult start to motherhood and I think you and the baby have been lost in all this (by your parents / MIL)

I hope your husband and friends are making you feel special and looked after. You’re doing an amazing job and handling so much all at a vulnerable time - well done!!!

ps congratulations on your little one ❤️❤️❤️ very glad you are both safe and getting back to feeling a little more yourself (takes forever lol)

Dogsbreath7 · 09/02/2025 19:07

Sorry OP, as much as you may think you need them and their support you know it will come with strings attached. You said your mum is overbearing there is a counterpoint to bridezilla which is ‘nanzilla’. If she can do this, she will not look after your child to your methods and it doesn’t look like your dad is any better or can influence her. Some people are more effort than the support they offer. And if they can go in a huff and put their feelings above yours after everything you have been through, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Hold the line that you are serious - they need to apologise and show contrition.

To get through this focus on you/ baby and forget anything more than basic house sh*t until you feel better.

it is lovely to hear about a caring man pulling his weight. Can you afford for him to have unpaid leave?

pimplebum · 09/02/2025 19:05

The only way this would be acceptable is if you had bought the paint, told her exactly what walls you wanted purple , mentioned how tired you were and she’d had hired a professional to surprise you ( with your oh agreement )
then
it would have been a nice surprise

defo post them the bill for repairs , I’d be so upset at the expense and drama at a time when you needed peace

Audiprettier · 09/02/2025 19:02

Not many op will agree with me but I do wonder if your mum just wanted to do something 'big/impressive for her little girl who is now herself a mother!?
Don't get me wrong I would've hated that too, but she wouldn't have wanted to hurt you at all, (just tell her it was an expensive mistake on her part & can she please get it corrected to your own taste/colour!) despite being way off the mark. I mean... Purple! 😬

A Moment of madness maybe! (My mum once crossed the street when she saw me so she wouldn't have to acknowledge me). Hopefully you'll all eventually see the funny/crazy side in a few years...just threaten to come over with the purple paint to redecorate her home, if she ever pi**es you off! I think when she realises how wrong she got it, she'll be mortified. & Congratulations on your gorgeous new bundle of joy! 💕

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/02/2025 19:00

I have soft neutral colours in my home and it feels calm and relaxed. Just ideal after a stressful, exhausting week in hospital. Having Cadbury purple walls staring at me would be horrible and until you get it painted over, a constant reminder of what she did. This first week at home should have been a really special time and she's spoilt it for both of you. She did this.

AcadeMama · 09/02/2025 18:59

The very same thing happened to me and my ex. We had separate properties and while on holiday both mum's decided that our flats were too drab and needed an uplift. His mum totally repainted his living room a really dark brown colour and my mum rearranged my furniture and removed the TV because we don't need TVs in social areas!!! Bonkers. I was astounded at the fact that they thought they had every right to do what they wanted. After that we never allowed them to have keys. Did the trick.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 18:57

Laurmolonlabe · 09/02/2025 18:37

I would have been much less polite than you were- what on earth was your mother thinking- is she usually intrusive in your life?
When you have just had a baby and have been ill, you are at your most vulnerable- the very last thing you need is something like this.
I just don't understand this if your mother is usually fairly sane, she is definitely overbearing- you simply cannot impose your taste on other people-even if you gave birth to them, still less expect them to like it.
I would get a professional decorator to redecorate and send the bill to your parents with a note saying you need to pay for this, then we won't ever mention it again.
Should they except you can cautiously go on with your relationship with them, if not I'm afraid you will have to shelve the idea of getting any support from them.
IF they can mess up your house without your permission, and expect gushing praise, rather than resentment, what on earth could they do to your child?

from what the OP has said, the answer is yes she is!

YousayPassataISaypeastta · 09/02/2025 18:55

Op in some ways, now I've read more about the background I think this will be useful although so painful right now.
You must not under any circumstances apologise and I think you do heed to be firm with them and don't contact them.
However straightening this out now will be the best thing long term and you can have a wonderful relationship going forward, but one with her umbilical cord to you cut.

Bobbybooo · 09/02/2025 18:46

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

If you want to help a new family, you cook for them and do grocery shopping, or just ask is there anything I could do for you? what a stupid thing to do 🤦

PerspicaciaTick · 09/02/2025 18:46

I think it could be time for your DH to lead. Lay the facts out with both families, brutal honesty. "My DW nearly died. I thought I was going to have to raise baby on my own. It has been distressing and stressful and frightening. We do not need you to make it worse. Back off, this is not about you "

Lollipop81 · 09/02/2025 18:45

I guess your mom did it thinking she was doing a good deed. You dealt with it perfectly and she should have been all apologies and offered to repaint it back. The fact they have stopped speaking to you when you have just had a baby says a lot about them. Do you really need them? I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your mom and dad have been out of line. Sorry that you are going through this, right now you need love and support not aggro and drama. Shame on your parents, they should be gushing over your new child not blanking you out.

Sorrynotsorry22 · 09/02/2025 18:38

Either you're well shot of toxic parents or they will see the error of their ways and apologise or at least offer to paint over purple for the sake of their new grandchild
Blunt but true