Page 4 | DM redecorated my lounge

Blubstering · 2025-02-08T12:29:52+00:00

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL. I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to. Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm. Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful. DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too. I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced. I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down. Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Kat2025 · 10/02/2025 10:51

Congratulations on the baby, and I hope all three of you are doing not just better but well!

On some level, your mum probably already realises that this was a big mistake. In my experience, it is usually people on the defensive who dig in so much. Admitting it to herself - and to you - is a different matter.

You sound very diplomatic and not at all like someone who wants to break with her parents over what was objectively quite inexcusable. If you want to continue your relationship with your usually lovely mum but also make it clear that she must respect your boundaries, I would suggest letting the matter cool for a bit rather than taking it upon yourself now to fix a relationship that you have not done anything to damage!

Perhaps, once your anger levels permit it, send your parents pictures of/updates about the baby? They may well see this as an olive branch and ask if they could visit. If you then decided to invite them, they would see the walls back the way you like them but hopefully not comment. A few months down the line, you may well find you and your mum being able to laugh about the 'Cadbury purple', at which point I would try to get in a stern 'Mum, I appreciate the thought, but you really must not spring any big decisions on us. What I really need from you is to help out with the baby the way I ask you for, rather than making me worry you will take it upon yourself to give the baby a haircut/pierce the baby's earlobes/[insert other possible worry as appropriate], when I am not looking.'

snoopywife · 10/02/2025 10:15

i was quite poorly after my first baby, and my mother ordered some nursery furniture that cost a fortune and didn’t fit in the room. Like u, we had it all done and it was ready for when we came home. I was crying when the man delivered it, he must have thought I was mad. It sounds like you dealt with them really well, better than me x

ilovesushi · 10/02/2025 10:07

Emmie765 · 09/02/2025 21:53

My first reaction was "oh my goodness how could she do this to you when you just had a baby?!". I was obsessive over not painting when mine were tiny because paint fumes are really bad for babies. But here's what I think actually happened: DD (you) was seriously ill. DM (the painter) was terrified, devastated and felt helpless, probably even more so because your DH had a clear defined role to care for baby while you recovered and DM didn't. DM thought long and hard about what she could do to help. The usual things like making food, cleaning the house, etc. didn't apply because you were all in hospital being cared for. So she thought that if she decorated your living room it might give you a 'lift' when you got home, probably why she went bolder than in her own house. I'll hazard a guess she even thought of the paint fumes, so did it in good time before baby got home. Was she wrong, nuts, way over the boundary line? Yes, of course. She's upset because she knows this now. But (I think) she did it because her most precious person (you) and her new most precious person (her grandchild) were in danger and she tried to give herself a purpose while she nervously waited to hear news. I feel for you all. It's given you more to deal with than you need, but it can easily be sorted and hopefully you know your DM meant well, even if the result was bold purple ....

I think this is an interesting take and it is the only way I can square her behaviour. I did wonder this at first, but I think her anger towards you following your homecoming and dismay at the Cadbury's purple walls, makes me think, yes she did it as a distraction activity in a time of her distress, but to remain a main character in the drama, not to support her daughter.

berightorbehappy · 10/02/2025 09:56

This is the weirdest thing l’ve ever heard . Who would do that ? Maybe wait for them to go away and re-paint their home !

crinkletits · 10/02/2025 09:36

There's far more going on here than the argument over painting your room. The behaviour can't be the first time you've seen this from your parents? This is way beyond CF behaviour.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 09:28

I love(d) my parents dearly but if they had done something like this back in the day (which they wouldn't, as it's completely bonkers) I would be extremely angry and making them pay for a professional decorator to fix it.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 10/02/2025 08:59

Oh My Goddess! That is so out of order it makes me sick. Just focus on your little baby and you. It’s a bloody cheek. I am upset on your behalf.

BusyExpert · 10/02/2025 07:57

your mother was completely out of order, its not your mothers right or business to redecorate your home
stand your ground she has a new grandchild she will come back soon with her tail between her legs and apologise. She will want to see the baby.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 07:50

anon666 · 09/02/2025 19:26

Awwww, what a nightmare, I really feel for you.

Firstly congratulations on the baby and thank goodness you're on the mend. It sounds like a very scary experience and your first baby so that's huge anyway.

In your shoes I'd bury the hatchet ASAP even if it means apologising for hurting your mums feelings or similar. Get them round and get them helping. The thing is, disappointing though it was that it kinda grenaded your return from hospital, it's done and it's over. People are so weird. Your mum had somehow built it up in her own head that this was a really lovely gesture. It was probably displaced nervous energy from her helplessness at you being critically ill. Absolutely batshit but we humans are weird when under extreme stress. I have made some bizarro crafted gifts for people in similar situations. My sister had an exceptionally long and difficult labour with her first, and my mum was beside herself. I spent two solid days making a pair of weird socks out of a nubbly strangely coloured yarn.

As I handed them over I suddenly had a moment of clarity as to what I'd done and how weird they were. The yarn was really expensive and they took forever, but as I handed them over I had no words. I just mumbled "I know you like rainbow colours" as we stared at them in horror. I then said "don't feel you have to keep them, I think it was just therapeutic to make them for you because I was so worried".

If my sister had actually recoiled in horror instead of politely accepting them (then hopefully putting them in the bin), I'd have been upset because it was a heartfelt gesture, invested with all the emotion of standing by on tenterhooks all through that labour. Albeit the gift itself wasn't terribly successful. 🙄

Try to make a joke of it because I suspect in the long run you will all look back and laugh. "Remember when you had X and your mum redecorated your living room thinking you'd like it" 🤣🤣🤣

Why on earth would OP look back and laugh about the time her mum stopped speaking to her while she was newly post-partum after a difficult birth and life-threatening sepsis. Do you think that this is a heart-warming tale to tell the grandchildren?

InBuffywetrust · 10/02/2025 07:47

Couldn't she just have batch cooked for yiu and filled your freezer. That makes way more sense

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 07:44

Audiprettier · 09/02/2025 19:02

Not many op will agree with me but I do wonder if your mum just wanted to do something 'big/impressive for her little girl who is now herself a mother!?
Don't get me wrong I would've hated that too, but she wouldn't have wanted to hurt you at all, (just tell her it was an expensive mistake on her part & can she please get it corrected to your own taste/colour!) despite being way off the mark. I mean... Purple! 😬

A Moment of madness maybe! (My mum once crossed the street when she saw me so she wouldn't have to acknowledge me). Hopefully you'll all eventually see the funny/crazy side in a few years...just threaten to come over with the purple paint to redecorate her home, if she ever pi**es you off! I think when she realises how wrong she got it, she'll be mortified. & Congratulations on your gorgeous new bundle of joy! 💕

OP's mum doesn't mind hurting her by refusing to speak to her. There seem to be heaps of allowances made for OP's mum's actions but OP, who is recovering from a difficult birth and life-threatening sepsis, is supposed to be the bigger person.

OP's mum doesn't sound like the sort of person who realises how wrong she has been. If she was, she would already have apologised to OP and certainly wouldn't have stopped speaking to her newly post-partum, poorly daughter.

OP is going to let it go but this will mean that nothing will change.

godmum56 · 10/02/2025 06:35

MelodyFinch · 10/02/2025 02:20

Clearly she got completely over excited. You behaved beautifully and it was completely infuriating on every level. The immaturity of her reaction is astounding. That is where it becomes harder to forgive. What on earth will she be like with your baby?
Yet you acknowledge that you will need their help and support. Maybe it’s a good thing this situation has illustrated where the boundaries are in your family and she didn’t get the baby’s haircut or anything too drastic. Your DH needs to step up and explain very clearly that this was very upsetting for you two and nothing like this must happen again. Just saying that you were counting on the grandparents help and support might do the trick. They will be dying to meet the little one. Your DH and your FIL need to put the sitting room back to normal. Everyone needs to get back to being a lovely family again. The shock has laid down clear boundary lines. Congratulations on the new addition to your family.

"over excited" is filling the house with balloons and banners. This is plain batshit crazy

MelodyFinch · 10/02/2025 02:20

Clearly she got completely over excited. You behaved beautifully and it was completely infuriating on every level. The immaturity of her reaction is astounding. That is where it becomes harder to forgive. What on earth will she be like with your baby?
Yet you acknowledge that you will need their help and support. Maybe it’s a good thing this situation has illustrated where the boundaries are in your family and she didn’t get the baby’s haircut or anything too drastic. Your DH needs to step up and explain very clearly that this was very upsetting for you two and nothing like this must happen again. Just saying that you were counting on the grandparents help and support might do the trick. They will be dying to meet the little one. Your DH and your FIL need to put the sitting room back to normal. Everyone needs to get back to being a lovely family again. The shock has laid down clear boundary lines. Congratulations on the new addition to your family.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 10/02/2025 01:44

Part of me wonders if they all think I’ve ruined their experience of having their first grandchild by getting so poorly, I do feel weirdly guilty for it not being all cuddles and cooing right from the start but it’s not like I did it on purpose.

Don’t ever, ever, feel guilty like this!!! You had an awful experience that sounds like a breath away from being irredeemably awful.

Whatever your mother’s motives were it was still a weird thing to do —and purple and grey? Whatever made her think that’d be a good idea.

Congratulations on your baby son. 💐 Look after yourself and your dm will get over her “ being in bits” as she realises how lucky she is to still have you and a healthy grandchild.

latetothefisting · 10/02/2025 00:09

Emmie765 · 09/02/2025 21:53

My first reaction was "oh my goodness how could she do this to you when you just had a baby?!". I was obsessive over not painting when mine were tiny because paint fumes are really bad for babies. But here's what I think actually happened: DD (you) was seriously ill. DM (the painter) was terrified, devastated and felt helpless, probably even more so because your DH had a clear defined role to care for baby while you recovered and DM didn't. DM thought long and hard about what she could do to help. The usual things like making food, cleaning the house, etc. didn't apply because you were all in hospital being cared for. So she thought that if she decorated your living room it might give you a 'lift' when you got home, probably why she went bolder than in her own house. I'll hazard a guess she even thought of the paint fumes, so did it in good time before baby got home. Was she wrong, nuts, way over the boundary line? Yes, of course. She's upset because she knows this now. But (I think) she did it because her most precious person (you) and her new most precious person (her grandchild) were in danger and she tried to give herself a purpose while she nervously waited to hear news. I feel for you all. It's given you more to deal with than you need, but it can easily be sorted and hopefully you know your DM meant well, even if the result was bold purple ....

even if this was in any way understandable, the part where the mum goes from batshit insane to outright horrible and egocentric is where, when OP (in a very reasonable manner, rather than screaming "what the actual fuck have you done to my house, you lunatic!") points out this is not as helpful as she thought, she doubled down, started crying and sulking, made OP the victim and got her dad to guilt trip her, decided to withdraw offers of help to her post-partum daughter and not bother seeing her grandchild.

Rather than apologising profusely for having got it wrong and offering to pay for a decorator

The initial action is insane but could be excusable (with an apology)
The subsequent response is undefendable

strangeandfamiliar · 10/02/2025 00:00

My parents booked a long-haul holiday for my due date. Dd was a fortnight early so they were still in the country for the birth, but only by chance. I don't know how to make sense of the OP's situation as it's the polar opposite, but I think it shows families can behave very strangely around big, life changing events like childbirth.

AdoraBell · 09/02/2025 23:48

YANBU. I would be furious.

Congratulations for your baby and glad you recovered. Also glad that your DH is supporting you.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/02/2025 23:39

Being tolerant is an excellent trait, but like anything it can be carried too far, and become toxic to your life. The aspect that really chilled me is the way your parents expected you to applaud them for invading the sanctity of your home, when they knew jolly well that you were very unlikely to appreciate it-who would? At very best it's an insult to your decorating skills, and firmly letting you know that they know best. which is controlling and manipulative. Especially chilling considering how vulnerable you are after such a traumatic birth and illness- it definitely does not indicate loving and supportive parents.

Concernedcheeselover · 09/02/2025 23:20

This is so random, most parents make sure that there are lots of Home cooked meals in the freezer for when Mum gets home, make sure that the house is clean, and ask what I can do to be of service. Not paint a flipping lounge purple which is a bold colour even for them, when it was recently painted, when it’s not their house, and when they were never asked to?!

abricotine · 09/02/2025 23:19

Sorry, post doesn’t make sense, I was quoting a suggested response above that I felt was rather unhelpful and inflammatory!

abricotine · 09/02/2025 23:17

Really don’t. It’s dreadful and sanctimonious and will inflame everything. Even if you justifiably feel this way, it will just make everything so much worse!

I’d try to reach out with a few photos, hi mum how are you, DS is doing well, hope you’re going to pop over and see us soon sort of thing. Try to move on from the painting and if pushed just say ”I understand you were trying to do something nice; sorry it wasn’t to our taste, I just want somewhere neutral and bright where I can relax with DS” or similar. But honestly OP you sound very kind and diplomatic, I’m sure it will blow over and I hope it does.

PaleRosePlease · 09/02/2025 23:11

I would’ve gone berserk, tired or not tired 😂 sorry but no one in my life mother or not has the right to come and redecorate and paint my house regardless of if they think they’re doing a nice thing. Bizarre behaviour and if your mums offended then that’s on her x

Orangeandpinknails · 09/02/2025 23:11

I feel like this has got to be made up.. no way have your parents acted normal here. You have just had a baby! Their grandchild and they're making a fuss about a painted room and now not talking to you.. how bizarre! Who even decorates someone's room whilst they're in hospital. I understand if the room hadn't been done in ages and needed a spring clean but even so, I'd not expect them to stop talking to you after expressing your annoyance

Milkmani8 · 09/02/2025 23:08

This is the craziest thing I’ve ever read! Who is desperate to redecorate their adult child’s home when they’re extremely unwell in hospital. I get that she may have been anxious, but this is next level. Also who wants to come home to fresh paint with a newborn?!

ConstanceM · 09/02/2025 23:02

Some parents actually go mental when they have a grandchild. They make it all about themselves especially new mums mum. It's either a bizarre nesting thing or complete mental breakdown. Your DH should've had the balls to say NO THANKS - We have bigger fish to fry.