DM redecorated my lounge

Same. When I start my friends say ‘Roy Cropper’s bag is out again!’
Love writing a letter.
I was watching an old Top of the Pops the other day on iPlayer from the 80’s and my other half jokingly asked what I’d done that week.
And I reeled it off in detail.
It can be annoying so I mostly run it all in my head, but it’s useful sometimes!

Ooh, I love writing stroppy letters!

(And one of my party pieces is reciting pi to 30 decimal places. The other is reeling off all the stations on the Piccadilly Line. I was a quite strange child.)

@Blubstering - how are you getting on with your new baby? Also, how is the repair work going to your living room? Lastly, have your parents been in touch with you since?

Awww I'd be upset and fuming .
I love neutral colour it's nice and calm and relaxing.
I think they need to be put in their place that it's your home and you like it how it is and the only way to put things right is to repaint it back the way it was .
Take it easy with your new baby and don't let them upset you further they are in the wrong and have overstepped.

@anon666

I sincerely hope op does get past this abusive behaviour at the most vulnerable time of her life bar the day of her own birth

It seems her parents are usually OK

Hopefully they will aplosgjse and come with some explanation as to why not only did she stamp herself on her daughter's living room but then turned herself into a victim and cut off op form support.

My Mil did something similar and we tried again her many times over the years and unfortunately 17 years on l can't help thinking about the trauma mil caused me on the day and weeks after my dd birth.

Possibly OP might look back and laugh at the outrageousness of the painting of their lounge.

However, there aren't just two types of people, those who create and nurture grievances and those that make allowances. OP can still find her mum's behaviour of refusing to speak to her very hurtful and unreasonable, without bearing a lifelong grudge about it. She may feel less hurt and may possibly even forget about how she felt, but most people would never find that behaviour amusing, even in hindsight.

Being unable to reframe hurtful and callous behaviour as amusing does not put anyone in the 'creating and nurturing grievances' category. That is just victim blaming.

It’s all well and good for people to say your mum crossed a line (she clearly did) and you should shut them out, but when you need support it’s not that easy. It always depends on what other things someone has going on in their lives. I particularly needed parental support because I was disabled and single, some people will need it because they don’t have a larger support circle or there’s other kids, or even other kids with disabilities. I get the whole “cut out toxic people” vibe that generally goes around, and if people can, then good for them. But there’s so rarely the advice people ask for in comparison with how common those voices are. And sometimes people screw up and can’t see their own behaviour without it being an indicator that they’re generally toxic people, so those comments that now fill women’s spaces are encouraging people to socially isolate themselves based on very little info.

I’m not gonna go through the whole thread because the first comments were all the same, and I just wanted to respond to those, really. We can encourage people to cut out toxic people, whilst also waiting to find out if they’re toxic or whether it’s actually plausible for the OPs to cut them out. After 20 years trying to cut out of an abusive relationship, I had those comments in abundance when I needed someone to understand that I really didn’t have choices during that time, due to being very physically unwell with multiple disabled offspring (& enough experience with social care to know they wouldn’t give the actual help I needed), and just needed someone to tell me what I could do within my paradigm.

Because "there are two types of people". Those who look to create and nurture grievances in life, and those who try to make allowances for other humans. Sometimes huge allowances.

This isn't road rage against a random stranger, it's OPs mum. Your relationship with your parents is, in most cases, worth treasuring. No matter how batshit their actions, they almost always mean well. We know this because it's mumsnet and we are mostly parents ourselves.

I've got so many friends who have declared their mums as "narcissists" or similar. They have cut themselves off not only from the parents but then caused huge rifts with the whole family, as people take sides etc.

It's just not worth it. Its always better to "go high", as Michelle Obama says. Just make allowances. Forgive. Forget. Think of all the good things your parents have done, including bringing you up, and chalk this one down to experience. Maybe with strict instructions to not do it again.

In the long run, things never seem as important as they did at first. And even the most excruciating things can seem.funny in retrospect.

I agree that it was not appropriate for her to re decorate the room you were very hqppy with. At the time she might have been wanting to help/control when the health of her daughter was so poor with sepsis - so nothing she could do to help.

I would question though her motives as she should be delighted that you are well enough to be home and with her newborn granddaughter.
Is she usually uninterested in you like this?
Maybe smile and take delight in your newborn and hope she is embarrassed and glad you haven't mentioned it again.
Don't let their (unreasonable ) behaviour spoil this special time in your lives. You are not responsible for the behaviour of your parents. Maybe speak just to your dad. He is probably getting the brunt of your mum's rage at home!

I would not be happy at all. Massive overstep. But clutching at straws she was trying to help ???

I actually wonder if somebody did that for DM when she had OP and she's repeating it. Why didn't she just ask first - like text DH, even if it was an impulse. Buying someone a gift is always 50/50 whether they'll like it or not but painting the lounge walls purple is bonkers, has she lost the plot or something 🤪

Your mother is such a Narcissist and your father is under her influence. I’m so sorry OP. I hope she will get over it and that would be a lesson for future.

This is brilliant! Can I get you to write all my awkward communications for me in future please?

You don’t need to fix this, they do

And I mean that in the sense of redecorating and apologising

Your mother was way out of line! I have my faults (😂) but would never in a million years redecorate one of my daughters houses with asking first! I would send them a message saying that you all need to move on as I sure they would like to see their new grandchild too! And to draw a line under it

I read stories like this and pray to the gods of older people that I don't become a batshit crazy older lady who is a nightmare MiL, or puts my daughters through hell by doing stupid stuff like this, or refuses to get the help / treatment I need and insists on going it alone while falling apart etc etc.

Aside from purple feature walls being a dire design choice, who the helI even does this?! and then not speak to their daughter for being very politely called out on it?

Not sure what to say. I'm sure someone else has given some good advice but know that fellow man its very much on your side

You have been very calm and patient.

which indicates to me that the fact her parents have completely fucked up her return from a week in hospital with her new born, and she has spent the days post return on mumsnet discussing her parents shit behaviour - means that this isn’t quite so unusual behaviour for her parents after all, it’s just that the poor op is resigned to it

I'm so sorry Op, your parent's are behaving appallingly when you have been so ill and have a new-born. Your mum painting your lounge (in what sounds like a hideous colour) is so passive aggressive, it is not done out of kindness at all, it's done out of control. Their attitude to you now is really shameful. I'm sorry that they're treating you like this. Is your mum jealous that you and your baby will be getting attention?

You have been very calm and patient.

I would not have been. I would have been very clear that until they apologised and paid to put right what they have damaged I would not be interested in hearing from them or seeing them.

If they're like this with your house, what on earth will they be like with your child?

It's like you going round and graffiting their house because you thought it needed cheering up because you thought it was boring. It just isn't done.

Let them come to you. Rest, recuperate and spend this time with your new family unit.

If you have any siblings I might invite them round to see what has happened. Is it possible they could make them understand quite how badly they have behaved?

My husband is a very calm and measured man, but I actually cannot imagine his reaction to such violation of his home by my parents.
The sheer rudeness and disrespect is astounding.

I would be so mortified.
When I read of people being tolerant and forgiving of such behaviour, I just know that they have grown up in a toxic environment.

This is so batshit.

I would have gone mad and said: how about I come round to your house when you are away and paint your house. What a cheek, you need to set firm boundaries.

Brought back similar memories for me, in my case it was a lovely oldfashioned chest of drawers in my room that my folks decided to replace with a vile flatpack new one when I was on a school trip. No idea what happened to the old one. I was really upset and hated the flimsy replacement and yes, my mother and stepfather made me feel shit for saying I didn't like it. They went on to be bullying and overbearing and it's taken me until the age of 60+ to a) recognise that and b) try to reverse some of their useless life lessons. It's not the chest of drawers itself, it's their steamrollering attitudes.

Water based, baby safe paint is available. Ensure your husband and father use this!

You handled that with grace. The audacity of your parents, though. My mind is blown.

Oh yikes!
Hopefully.you'll get to.a place you can laugh about it. I think your parents got themselves in such a state of excitement and then terror they've lost their heads and you might need to parent them. No, your mum.should not have done it and you can let her know without a non communication it seems nobody wants. Sounds like you miss her. Reach out.
Hope you're starting to feel better and enjoying the snuggles. I think your mil might behave differently as she's got the msg from your fab dh.
When we bought our new house the master bedroom was painted entirely black, including radiator. So we are living proof you can paint over dark colours successfully.