DM redecorated my lounge

My mother would do this, albeit when I was a child/teenager. Every so often I'd come home to find my bedroom painted a different colour and furniture in different places. It was really unsettling, to put it lightly.

Very strange behaviour.

Congratulations on the new baby. Your parents are nuts and crazy to be mad at you. One question, I live in the US and doesn't the nurses on the maternity floor take care of babies not the parents especially if the mother is so ill?

I’m thinking this is meant to be a site for grown ups

My parents can be a bit like this (there are stories). I had to change the locks.

I agree with whoever said it was them pissing on their territory.

Maybe threatened now that you have your own family? People can be weird.

My mum can be a little overbearing - very different from me as I am very laidback. But even my mum wouldn't do this. She sounds crazy. And horrible that she and OP's dad are not speaking to her.

Op had a baby AND was seriously ill afterwards. They are treating her horribly and I don't think I would forgive or forget this.

This is outrageous. I'd ask them to pay for it to be redecorated. You do not need to apologise for anything. I would have told them how upset I was

Why didn't she do the nursery or something? It's very hard to paint and decorate and very tiring people get their noses out of joint and their pride gets hurt when it's an absolute disaster. Then you get scenes like the end of the TV show changing rooms. You need to have an honest conversation with her probably but it's going to be hard. Paint it back though it's your home not hers.

Christ OP I’d be raging.

I thought my MIL was a bit OTT when she first saw our newly decorated lounge … it was yellow and she cried whilst clutching the door frame.
But this is absolutely crazy!

The way some people behave is shocking, and the way others back them up on here is even worse.

A friend of mine got married. They hadn't lived together before and were so excited. They'd bought a new house and were making loads of plans about how to decorate. They'd ordered flatpack furniture as were looking forward to making that, too - they really wanted to nest.

When they were on their honeymoon the groom's parents went to their house (they had spare keys) and decorated the whole house and put up all the furniture. It really upset my friend and her husband - it was their first home together and neither had lived away from their family homes before. They'd been so looking forward to doing all that. Not only that, the PILs told them how much they'd enjoyed doing it, as though my friend and her husband would be glad.

Edited to add the PILs chose and bought the paint, too - no reference to what the couple actually wanted.

My advice is if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander - so when you're feeling up for it, take your paint & brushes and redecorate your parent's living room.

In all fairness, while the above might be what you want to do, it really isn't what you should do. I'd just get some paint that you do like the look of and paint over what your mother did.

Then I'd download a picture of that mural that the woman 'fixed' on the wall of the church in Spain (think that's where it happened) and get it as a greeting card for the next birthday or Mother's Day or Easter or whatever and send it to her. She'll either get it (as in don't try to fix something that doesn't need fixing) or it will be a pretty card for her.

I wonder if she was beside herself with worry, wanted to do something practical to help, fixed on decorating and then just didn't stop. So some sort of displacement activity that got out of control.

Oh op I really sympathise. My dm had a weird wobble after my first birth which was quite a difficult birth and I felt very hormonal and upset and alone too. Luckily my dh was amazing and my dm sorted herself out when she realised two could play at that game. It was actually a really defining moment in creating some more grown up boundaries in our relationship. So there could be a way back from this.

You do not need to fix it though. Let her dwell on her behaviour and how much she has overstepped. I mean how bloody dare they come into your house and change the colour. That's totally overstepping and isn't doing something nice for you. Something nice might have been emptying the laundry basket. Cleaning the bathroom. Mowing the lawn. If you feel able to send her a letter making it very clear that this is overstepping boundaries and how dare she gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong for not being grateful. I can't believe your dh didn't go mental at her and make her change it back, he must be lovely bloke who didn't want to cause ructions between you and your parents.

Enjoy your lovely newborn op and let your Mum get over herself.

Surely OP's mum should be grateful that her daughter didn't die in childbirth due to sepsis? Her daughter survived so she she (the mum) should count her blessings and apologise to the daughter for decorating her lounge without asking and then refusing to speak to her daughter.

They do it because they want to impose themselves on others. It's a form of pissing around the edges of your territory and when it all goes pearshaped, they then have the chance to be the hurt party.

It sounds like OPs Mum couldn't stand all the attention being on her daughter so did this to get the spotlight back on herself.

The world is full of these types with behaviour like this to a greater or lesser degree. You have to learn to spot them early on as they will fuck you up given half a chance.

A fruit basket and a massive congratulations card is what is appropriate here alongside unconditional support. Op's Mum has made all of it conditional and it's oppressive horrible behaviour.

I would def be rethinking my relationship with my DM if she didn't immediately apologise, say she overstepped but didn't think and pay to have it all put back to my taste ASAP because she will carry on in the same vein with my child for sure otherwise.

I'm just role-playing in my head what would happen if I painted my daughter's sitting room purple and grey without her permission...

OK, got it... she'd explode and I'd be blasted into the next county. She'd then have it decorated back into her taste and send me the bill. She probably wouldn't be able to speak to me for a month, such would be her outrage. She turns after me of course because that's what I'd do.

Your parents are unbelievably deluded about boundaries and very lucky that your DH hasn't banned them from your house indefinitely.

I would be furious at all of this as well as the smell of paint in my home with a newborn.

If you need support it would be better to rely on friends or others or pay a postnatal doula because being around them would probably raise your blood pressure!

OP is there any sort of precedent or controlling behaviour history with you Mum?

I just find it batshit that her daughter had just given birth and was essentially at risk of dying from complications and sepsis in hospital, and rather than being beside herself with worry or making loads of freezer meals to keep you going when you get home she was redecorating your lounge to suit her tastes. I mean, I do understand using anxious energy to keep busy but this seems WAY beyond that.

Why the fuck did she think that anyone would be ok with having their lounge redecorated without their consent or input? It's so weird! My mil once went into our house and tidied whilst we were on holiday and thought she was doing a good thing, I was livid!! I would be mostly pissed off with the fact that you have just bought a newborn home and now you need to faff about with redecorating.

Why would someone be grateful to come home 1 week postpartum having survived sepsis to see their living room purple.

and now have to pay decorators to fix it. While dealing with a new baby and recovering health. It’s a literal nightmare headache.

and then emotional bullying on top. God what a batshit take

ultimately this isn’t the time to go into battle

id text “ whilst I appreciate it was done with good intentions can we draw a line under this and move on . I don’t feel it’s productive to rake over it I would sooner put it behind us”

Just remembered my mum did the same and couldn't understand why I was upset/furious

I just felt like nothing was mine

I agree that you were remarkably diplomatic, given the circumstances. Just ignore them for now and enjoy your new baby. The ILs can stay in a hotel when you feel you are ready to see them. DH needs to make it VERY clear to them just how ill you were and still are.

I bet you they will come round OP. They most likely are sulking for a bit, but haven’t cut you off. They still love you after all and will soon be desperate to build a relationship with their new grandchild.

Wait a few days, then invite them over / ask for help, as if nothing has happened. If they bring it up or act huffy, just say “I know your hearts were in the right place, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things does it. You’re not holding it against me, are you? It’s just paint after all?”

And hopefully it will blow over.
They may even offer to fix it, once the air has cleared.

You were far too diplomatic.

I would have been telling her how utterly unacceptable and overbearing it was to decorate without being asked. And I would make sure she gives back her key.

I would additionally be making clear that guilting tripping when it was HER behaviour that was wrong is equally unacceptable and until I received an apology she would not be welcome in my home again.