DM redecorated my lounge

You may be able to reframe the decorating as a kind gesture (I couldn't), but surely even you can't reframe OP's mum's refusal to speak to her own daughter who has just nearly died as in any way kind or supportive. OP didn't even raise the issue of the decorating, her mum asked her what she thought.

OP's mum doesn't live in fear of over-stepping. OP has said that she is generally overbearing.

You dealt with it a lot better than I would have!

Your mum's timing is terrible, and whilst I get it's a nice thing to do, it's also a really weird thing to do too.... it's like she's used your living room as a guinea pig.

Get it painted back how you like it and send them the bill.

As for them not speaking to you, I'd say that'd their loss, with "support" like that, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
Your DH sounds great and he's looking after you well, let them stew in their own juices.

Can we see a photo

This would make sense if her reaction had been to go ballistic and chase her Mum out of the house with a kitchen knife screaming at her, which would have been my first instinct in all honesty.

She didn't, she sent a very polite text explaining that she didn't like it.

If the Mum panicked and did a stupid thing, she's the one that needs to apologise.

You dont fix it. Its entirely on them to rectify. Doing shit with good intentions does NOT exonerate completely overstepping the mark.
Ok-you had baby,sepsis etc undoubtably have mum worried, If want offer help support-at all ever-to anyone its essential to establish what THEY need\want.
Its positive shes upset(that sounds so mean!).Hopefully progress to realising how skewed actin been.
Actual purple... sorry-ll,maybe one day be funnie.?tell babe-when you born granma got so exited she ...painted liv room purple . .."as is customary in homeland?"lol.

Do you have any siblings? I would tell them what happened and see if they have also noticed her being off. Could be the start of dementia or something? Make it clear to them it wasn't acceptable and that you're worried about her. Otherwise forget about it for a few weeks. Enjoy your new family and it can be redecorated when you are feeling stronger ( not by you).

It's the parents who should be keeping the peace by apologising & putting it right!

Whatever the reason!

Are you the mother or the MIL in this story?

It's good to know you wake up every morning thinking, "I don't have any opinions about how I want my home to look or anything else, I'm just so grateful I'm not dead."

I will remember to get in touch next time I want to try out a new paint colour before putting it on my walls. I will accept your gratitude in cash.

Is your mum the sort of person that needs distraction and a project when she’s stressed/upset?
She can’t have planned to redecorate as you wouldn’t usually be in hospital for 4 days. Not making excuses in anyway but if her only child is in hospital with sepsis she may have gone a little crazy and thought she needed to do something big for you (without thinking through the colour choice and the fact you’d recently redecorated).
I expect that her emotions are high, deep down she probably realises unreasonable, but having reacted the way she did it’s hard to go back and apologise and visiting you would just remind her of the mistake she made redecorating as she will be sat in it and that welcome home visit that she’d been imagining for years went wrong. Honestly, I’d call her, have a chat - and ask her if she wants to be helpful can she let MIL stay with her for a couple of days!

What was the intention if not malicious?

I'd be glad they weren't speaking to me tbh because I wouldn't want to be speaking to them.

If your Mum likes purple & grey so much she can have it in her own house!

You were seriously ill. It sounds like her nerves got the better of her & she took a brainstorm. You say you need her support. I think you should eat humble pie & apologise for your reaction & say you appreciate her help but you were happy with the way it was. Sometimes the best way to deal with issues like this is not what we really feel like doing if only to keep the peace.As long as it's not a major issue that causes harm I'd let it go.

I would be in low contact for a while. OP, the repainting your lounge was out of line, and you handled it fine. Keep enforcing those boundaries because it sounds like you will need to do so. I hope you feel better soon…it sounds like you really had a rough time of it.

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy.
Secondly is your mum on drugs? My daughter and myself have totally different tastes, I think if she surprised me she would probably get it right as I'm quite a neutral safe coloured person, whereas my daughter has a dark green lounge, a purple bathroom etc but the way she has accssessorised makes it look really nice but it's not me, so I get how you are feeling, I would of played safe with some cleaning, tidying of the garden a bit of batch cooking, I really can't see why your mum is playing the victim, before paying a decorator just get your husband to give it a few coats of brilliant white, just so it's livable in the mean time, as for the mil if she won't stay in a b&b or a travel lodge then she can't be that desperate to see her grandchild,
I think it should be law that you spend at least 2 weeks in pj's after having a baby and during that time your hair is not allowed to get greasy and you don't need to shave your legs and pits either.
I have a great relationship with my dil and ex-dil, my dil will come to me before her own mum and I have just had the pleasure of having all 4 of her children for 5 days as my son took her away for a break and it's the first time she has ever left her children.
I just feel for people who do not have a great relationship with their extended families but sometimes those boundaries are for the best for your own wellbeing.
Your mum is most probably feeling really stupid right now, leave her to it she will come around, just concentrate on your recovery and enjoying those little noises and facial wrinkles your baby makes.
Wishing you all the best and if you were near me I would send over a huge casserole.

What a very strange thing for her to do.
I wouldn't dream of redecorating my children's homes!
Cook meals and leave them in the freezer and clean and tidy round do the laundry etc but not decorate without asking you.
Has she done anything like this before?

I haven't RTFT. But do you think this was your mum's way of coping with her daughter being very ill. I know my mum (who lives in fear of overstepping) found it terrifying when I was in hospital having my first (a relatively straight forward and short labour) while waiting for updates.

You were very poorly and there was nothing she could do. This was possibly just a (arguably very misjudged) way of doing something that she thought would be useful.

Yes it would have been much better if she'd just made sure all the washing was done, put away and cooked a lasagne... But perhaps if you can see where she may have been coming from it may help you find a way back.

This is a horrible time for you to be at loggerheads over what was an effort at a kind gesture. While I appreciate that the last thing you needed was extra effort or upset, it sounds like she'd never do it out of malice.

You were way more restrained than I would have been.

I agree with all those suggesting that your parents should be footing the bill for the decorator who will paint it back to the colour you want.

What on earth was your mother even thinking? Can you trust her ever again not to do something similar, or even worse?

Your Mum needs to know she crossed the line and this wasn't OK. I think she thought you'd be too weak and tired to put up an argument and she could just decide how she thought your living room should look. It sounds like she rushed the job to make sure once you got home it was too late to change course. I thought my Mum was bad for constantly giving unsolicited advice about what she thinks would look nicer in our home, but going ahead and painting it is another level. And unless she's got some severe social disabilities she knows full well that it wasn't a nice thing to do.

As for MIL, she sounds dreadful, but don't let her set a low bar for what you expect from your Mum.

Different circumstances, but I needed PALS after birth and was heavily encouraged to do so but like you, it was all too much right then – I don’t know the details but you do have time to think about it and decide whether to get involved, you don’t have to rule it out by not wanting to do so now.

I wish I could send you some organic fancy low VOC artisan paint, Gower Cottage brownies, and the number of a good therapist. For now, absolutely stay in your pyjamas and let DH keep MIL at bay.

Wait till they go on holiday then sneak in and paint alternating walls in every room in their house bile green and diarrhoea brown. Be sure to smudge paint onto other surfaces.
If they fail to express abject delight, clasp your hands to your heart, say how ungrateful they are, and that you were only doing them a massive favour, and their own taste in wall colours had been too cold and inorganic.

Some MILs (my mum re my DB) see the house their son lives in as his house. He is her child, the house is his house. The DIL has been invited to live in his house (even though they bought it together), and certainly doesn't have a priority right to it and him over her, his mother. My DM would have an identical hissy fit if asked to stay in a hotel when visiting. She'd feel like she was being kicked out her relationship with her son, by an interloper/outsider who is living with her son. She'd totally think "well if that's how little you think of me, fine. I won't beg, and I won't play second best. Good luck to you".

Just an explanation from one who has seen this dynamic.

"You may be a mother now, but I am still Queen Bee in this family" was the message here.

How do YOU fix this? Er, you don't. You didn't cause the problem. Has this been the pattern all your life? They do something shitty, you object, they sulk and try to guilt you until you end up apologising and appeasing them? If so, time to change it. Or they'll be dictating how you raise your child, and probably doing stuff you've expressly forbidden ("I know you said you weren't cutting his hair yet, but it was too long. BE GRATEFUL I've done this for you", etc). Don't crawl to them. Redecorate, and when they get in touch, let them visit but remind them you'll be needing the key back so they should bring it with them. If they whine, tell them to be grateful you didn't send them the decorating bill. Never, ever pay any attention to any complaining or acting "offended" or whatever. Take control of your home, don't leave them unattended in it again, and if they act like you're in the wrong, make it 100% clear you do not agree. Don't bring up the purple-paint debacle, but if they do tell them calmly and firmly that it added to your stress when you were already having a very rough time, and nothing like this is to happen again. If you feel guilty or whatever, don't let it show. Fake it 'til you make it. It's time for a reset.

Tell me where your mum lives and I’ll go and redecorate her living room in orange and brown.

She sounds appalling. What’s wrong with your dad that he’s backing her up?

There are some great comments on here but this is the one that resonated with me the most.

I hate your mother for her attention seeking stunt and I don’t even know you. How dare she do that with you so ill?

You have clearly been trained to put her feelings first all your life but that now needs to start to change. You are a mum now (congratulations!) and you do not need to pander to this self-serving bullshit any more. What the fuck was she thinking??

You poor love - you have been through so much in the past few days with your health I hope you are feeling stronger soon…

Very true.