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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM redecorated my lounge

820 replies

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 08/02/2025 19:50

you really have been through the mill, retained placenta is bad enough but sepsis onto is terrible

How do I fix this??

I don't think its up to yo9u to fix but after reading your posts through

i'd probably text her with

Hopefully we can look back in years to come, me having a terrible time after birth and you painting the wall a colour I disliked and have a good chuckle - now can you get yourself round here and give your new grandchild some much longed for cuddles asap

I've experience both with my daughter giving birth, its a very frightening time with retained placenta and sepsis and as a mother I can't say I was thinking of repainting. I can imagine the thoughtfulness and how scared your mum has been

hopefully you'll recover well, breast feeding will establish and you'll enjoy your baby

katepilar · 08/02/2025 19:50

I am sorry that you have to deal with such an unexpected horror instead of enjoying your own home with your baby.

diddl · 08/02/2025 19:49

It might not have been malicious but it was unlikely that you it wouldn't lead to work for you.

I mean honestly when people are in the midst of decorating & it's undercoat on the walls it's pretty easy to tell!

Sep88 · 08/02/2025 19:49

OP, I just want to say you sound lovely and so level headed. Enjoy your baby and I hope you feel better soon.

Ddakji · 08/02/2025 19:48

Congratulations on your baby, OP!

I think this will absolutely be something you will all laugh about in future, including your mum and dad.

I think your approach sounds right, leave it a few days, and everyone can pretend it never happened and get on with worshipping DS.

lovelydayIhave · 08/02/2025 19:42

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:42

No mums never done anything like this before - the closest thing was her deep cleaning our house for us when we went on holiday but that was genuinely very helpful.

The only thing I can think is she thought we’d not finished decorating and the colour we had was like an undercoat?? But then why would she choose bold colours when the rest of the house is very neutral and soft? So I think she’s just got an idea in her head and run with it and just not considered us in that at all.

In that case I would just let it fizzle out.
You handle it well, she knows that you didn't like it- I presume that it wont happen again- so just let it go.

Maybe she really thought that it'll make you happy, nice surprise.

Pickled21 · 08/02/2025 19:42

Right now your first priority has to be yourself and baby. So you do whatever you need to to get through this time. Dh should take the time to stock your freezer with simple meals or use a meal delivery service for a while. Keep lunches as simple as possible, minimal prep, minimal washing up. If you can afford a cleaner for a short period of time, even if it's just to hoover, wipe surfaces and do laundry it would be well worth it. Take time to rest, marvel in your baby and all those newborn snuggles, sleep whenever you can and let your dh cover the rest, plus outside help where you can get it. If your dh can add some annual leave to his paternity leave then it's well worth it as you need to take the time to recover mentally and physically. Do not underestimate how rest will improve your longterm recovery.

Let your mum come around in her own time. She will likely sweep it under the carpet and your dynamic seems such that you will be OK with this to keep the peace and if that suits you for now then fair enough.

What I would say is that my mum thought something had gone badly wrong when I was having ds as I was in theatre for 3.5 hours. When I finally came out, she solely focused on me and burst into tears as she thought she might have lost me. She ignored ds and was a bit abrupt with dh. Neither of us took it to heart and once she had convinced herself that I was OK, hugged dh congratulations and held and kissed her grandson. I'm not saying what your mum did was OK, for me it was a huge overstep of boundaries but sometimes people do stupid stuff when worried or scared. What isn't OK is putting it on you and withdrawing contact when you need her. That is hurtful and unkind.

IridescentRainbow · 08/02/2025 19:41

I am so sorry that this very special time in your lives has been marred by your mothers. I voted that you are not being unreasonable but I wanted to say that I think your mum thought she was doing a really lovely thing for you and didn’t mention it because she wanted you to have a wonderful surprise. She got it wrong unfortunately. But it came from a place of love. You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel, then redecorate and move on.

BlondeFool · 08/02/2025 19:39

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/02/2025 12:38

This is so unbelievable that I don't believe it! Is your Mum well?

This.

It's so off the scale bat shit crazy.

JustSawJohnny · 08/02/2025 19:38

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 13:03

I think you’ve articulated it - I’m less bothered about the paint because I can see the intention wasn’t malicious, but I am definitely bothered by them trying to guilt me into being grateful for vandalism basically.

I retained part of my placenta and it was missed, I had a massive PPH and then my womb got infected and then I went septic really quickly so it’s been a really difficult experience. First baby as well so it’s all a bit raw. I just feel like no one is actually making allowances for the fact I’m quite poorly still. MIL mithering to come and stay and now my parents willing to cut contact with me and my new baby over a problem THEY created Sad I just feel completely done in.

Show quote history

Whilst I agree with your latest comment in terms of hoping to reach an eventual place of being able to laugh about this with your parents, I do think you'd be doing yourself a disservice (as well as potential future issues) if you don't discuss this properly with them and explain your hurt to them.

I'd be tempted to write a letter comprised of your post above and the comment you were replying to and send it to them.

Sweeping things under the rug now isn't a great idea, as much as you want to get back on track.

It doesn't need heated words and arguments, just for them to understand how their well meaning actions were both upsetting and a huge over step and that their doubling down was truly hurtful to you at a point of vulnerability.

Ohnobackagain · 08/02/2025 19:36

@CarolinaWren same!

Nonownon · 08/02/2025 19:36

That would piss me off no end.

Not quite as drastic but my parents have overstepped in a similar fashion.

Years ago I returned from work to discover they'd let themselves in and given me several items of furniture without my knowledge. They never said a thing just left me to discover it. So I got home from work and found they'd deposited a couple of chests of drawers, an ottoman and a coffee table! The drawers belonged to a family friend who was getting rid of them, the other stuff was new but it was the fact they they didn't even bother to ask me that pissed me off.

When I told them how annoyed I was my Dad started going mental, ranting about sending it back. I did end up keeping most of it but I was so annoyed at them, like they thought I'm a kid who doesn't know how to live and they needed to show me. My mother is quite anxious/controlling so maybe it was her idea. I would never do that to anyone and the paint thing makes me shudder.

diddl · 08/02/2025 19:34

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/02/2025 19:28

You dealt with that well. Just give them time. Send a card saying it was thoughtful and you appreciate their intentions were good but could she imagine if you’d painted her room a colour she didn’t like.

It’ll be a funny story one day.

I think if Op does that her Mum will just continue to trample over her.

Original poster
Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:34

CheekySnake · 08/02/2025 19:04

@Blubstering just a heads up, but if there's codependency, this is unlikely to be the end of the bumps in the road. You might benefit from some therapy to unpick it if that's doable (and to help with birth trauma once you feel ready to go there).

You will need to put v clear boundaries in regarding your baby and that may not be easy.

I agree - we’ve already said she’s going to be overbearing when baby arrives, we have a plan for that but I didn’t expect the opposite.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 08/02/2025 19:34

This is very intrusive on their part.
If they aren't tripping over themselves to apologise and see your new baby, I'd let them crack on.

If you go simpering to them while they're the ones in the wrong then they'll trample allover your boundaries forever more.

It's a shame at this time but it's all on them.

Congratulations on your baby 👶

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/02/2025 19:28

You dealt with that well. Just give them time. Send a card saying it was thoughtful and you appreciate their intentions were good but could she imagine if you’d painted her room a colour she didn’t like.

It’ll be a funny story one day.

Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 19:28

Op you are a mother now
You need to stop with the incessant excuses for your mother and you need to woman up. And thinking about it… your husband could also do with finding himself a spine

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/02/2025 19:21

The fact that the DM and MIL are not talking to you, gives you a chance to recover in peace and enjoy a bit of calm.
Grab your space whilst you can as they will soon turn up. Then you will need your DH to act as a buffer when they all do and be quite firm with them if they start trying to guilt trip.

I can understand why you don't want to ruin this special time by having a big argument with her.
But you've mentioned more issues. I am still shocked when you mildly said you didn't like the paint job, she got your Dad to ring up and tell you off and then they stopped speaking to you.. When you had a life threatening condition and have just had a very complicated birth. You really didn't need this kind of stress or upset. But it does sound like you are in a good place now and your DH is very supportive, so I hope you are taking this chance to relax and recover.

I think that this has probably opened your eyes to how overbearing they are and I do think that when the time is right you will have to say something about their behaviour. I hope you remember that you did NOTHING wrong.

Having a small baby does make you start to be more assertive as you have to make their needs a priority whatever relatives demand. Your own small family unit comes first. You are in charge now. This is your time. Wishing you all the best.

ElBandito · 08/02/2025 19:19

Generally if someone nearly dies of sepsis and then returns home still pretty ill and under the weather they aren't expected to host ANYONE or be grateful for having their home redecorated (badly). But somehow it's different if you've just given birth.

TroysMammy · 08/02/2025 19:14

Flipping heck, a cake and a bunch of flowers is doing something nice not redecorating someone else's house. Your parents are bonkers to think they could do that.

PussInBin20 · 08/02/2025 19:14

Blimey and I thought my DM was bad when she rearranged my cutlery drawer!

diddl · 08/02/2025 19:13

I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time.

That's no excuse.

So she doesn't respect you or see you as a person in their own right & always knows better?

And treats your husband with the same contempt?

Balloonhearts · 08/02/2025 19:11

I'd be round her house the minute she went out with a bag of glitter and a leafblower. That'd keep her occupied with her own house for a bit.

Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 19:11

person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38

over protective?

you almost died and just got home and she’s not talking to you. Correct?

godmum56 · 08/02/2025 19:09

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 19:00

I think mum will message me in a day or two and ask after the baby like nothing has happened and honestly, I’ll probably allow that water to pass under the bridge because like a PP said, I’ll regret looking back on this time now and not remembering her being around to help.

She’s not an awful person, she’s just a very mumsy mum and was probably a bit over protective of me and despite the fact I’m 38, I think still thinks I’m a child in lots of ways. I was a late bloomer, didn’t marry until my mid 30’s and so I think she just got used to riding roughshod over my preferences because I lived with them for such a long time. We’ve probably been guilty of a bit of codependency over the years and as a result now I’m married and a mother, she’s struggled with that adjustment.

She was definitely terrified when I was in hospital, she didn’t say anything direct to me or DH but the cuddle she gave me when she saw me said a lot and now I’ve got DS I can imagine seeing your child hurt is one of the hardest things.

The theories about attention seeking don’t make sense for mum, that’s not who she is or how she operates. It’s possible she wanted to assert some sort of control, but again it’s unlikely because she would usually do that by offering us money (which we never accept but the fact she’s offered she then uses as a ‘remember we’ve offered you £XXX to help you because we are such good parents and you can’t cope on your own two feet’ type thing). This would be the perfect time for those shenanigans if she was trying to achieve control.

I genuinely think it was just completely misplaced kindness and totally misjudged, combined with them both thinking taste is finite and not individual preference. It’s hard to explain, but mum and dad both think they have the best of everything because they always make the right choices, when in reality they just have the things THEY think are best, but you can’t disagree with them because they’re never wrong. If you buy (for example) a car that’s a different model to theirs, they’ll tell you what a waste of money it was and how much of a better choice their car was because of course it was the best etc etc. It’s one thing I really struggled with about my parents all my life, it was very difficult to live with particularly as my life took a different path to theirs. I think the colour walls thing comes from the same place - I’m right you’re wrong attitude so that why she’ll have painted it to her tastes, she won’t have contemplated that I wouldn’t like it. It won’t have occurred to her.

Im very willing to hopefully laugh about it one day (when my walls no longer remind me of Willy Wonka’s trousers) and hopefully mum will too.

with respect,now you have got a child, its time to MAKE it occur to her!

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