DM redecorated my lounge

Aubergine I could probably deal with - this is like Cadbury purple

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

a happy update: mum came round and we had a heart to heart. She understands they was out of line and we’ve put it to bed. She’s paying for a decorator to fix it in a couple of weeks and she’s been spending loads of time here with us which has been brilliant. She’s great with the baby, now DH is back at work she’s been over a lot just cooking and doing little jobs. The house has never been cleaner . Our relationship has changed quite a bit so we’re navigating that, but I’m very grateful for her at the moment.

MIL didn’t come, still hasn’t met the baby but that’s her choice and it’s ok, im a bit relieved really.

a happy update: mum came round and we had a heart to heart. She understands they was out of line and we’ve put it to bed. She’s paying for a decorator to fix it in a couple of weeks and she’s been spending loads of time here with us which has been brilliant. She’s great with the baby, now DH is back at work she’s been over a lot just cooking and doing little jobs. The house has never been cleaner . Our relationship has changed quite a bit so we’re navigating that, but I’m very grateful for her at the moment.

MIL didn’t come, still hasn’t met the baby but that’s her choice and it’s ok, im a bit relieved really.

Oh also I should mention that health wise we’ve had some set backs. Lots of issues with my energy and iron levels but seem to be getting better. My milk never arrived thanks to the blood loss etc so we are formula feeding but given the start we had, I’ve made my peace with that.

A sepsis survivor is lucky by definition. Strange you don't know it.

You are a very forgiving, very clear sighted and a very empathetic person. You did well to keep a relationship going. I hope you were able to keep some firm boundaries in place so you weren't too deeply hurt by their behaviour.

You've had a massive dose of toxic positivity. I hope you're not infecting children with this attitude.

It's more akin to an earthquake survivor finding their Mum had smashed their figurine while they were buried.

It's possible to be both grateful to he alive and also disappointed about something else.

Would you say to a sepsis survivor "you're lucky to only lose 1 limb"?

My post was more about 'if I came out from hospital after sepsis with limbs intact and a healthy baby, I would be so grateful, I would not give a shit what anybody did in my absence - it is akin to a earthquake survivor coming out of it alive and finding fault with, say, a porcelain figurine they lost - it pales in comparison'. My original response was with the OP not realising how lucky she was with the situation, sod the redecoration, that is what I meant. My relative never came out of hospital after sepsis, for example. Another example is of a woman coming from hospital and finding her mother had a stroke - they agreed her mum would help the woman look after her newborn, but mother became paralysed and the woman found herself looking after her baby and a paralysed mother' - she wrote an article about it, Sandwich generation or suchlike.

However I firmly believe in owing parents things - materially (substantial financial help and spiritual).

I went through very similar with my mum when I had a baby. I loved my mum (she’s no longer with us) but she had narcissistic tendencies and was quite controlling of me. She really struggled with the realisation she would not control my child in the same way and criticised all of my approaches to parenting. I almost died in childbirth and I think she had a sort of break from reality. She had our hall stairs and landing replastered which we intended to do but we wanted to remove the old wooden bannister which was attached to the wall and the damaged skirting, we were also going to get the rads taken off to do it. She had it done and while we would have been incredibly grateful, to then remove the things we wanted to would involve even more work than it would have before it was replastered because they had been plastered in. She also moved our bedroom around and reordered all my clothes to the way she likes them as it was “easier” (in her head sure but that’s not how I like them). When I wouldn’t use a specific handwashing liquid and handwash all the baby clothes (as she had done) she refused to speak with me as I was purposely blocking her out apparently. I had a perfectly good washing machine and had had surgery and several blood transfusions but she could only think about what she would want.
it took months to get the relationship back to normal and she sent my dad to say he wouldn’t speak to me either as he was supporting his wife. So the first six months of being a mum I had an added layer of stress that I did not need.
I am quite charitable towards the situation and assume she had some things going on in her head that caused her to behave poorly coupled with the embarrassment of having her “good deeds” rejected. She also was an always right person who believed that if she paid for something she could then control the recipients. I genuinely believe she intended kindness but did not stop to think what we would want or need based on who we are.
In short, you’re not alone but your mum probably does need therapy! I strongly believe mine did but she would never get it so I just had to manage my reaction to her behaviours as I didn’t want the relationship to end as she had some very good qualities too. It was not always easy.

Tell her you love her but you want things in your life a certain way and you need her to respect that when she is involved in your life. I think you’ve done a pretty good job in responding to her so far and she’ll come around. If she doesn’t she’ll lose out on you and your baby.