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Original poster

Difficulties with colleagues

108 replies

Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 09:41

To feel like a complete outsider at work. Smallish team all women of late 40s/50s. I'm slightly younger. I accept that I don't have much in common with them but I am really ostracised by them and the manager who is also female and similar age to others and good friends with 2 of them. When I first started one of the original ogs accused me of something I didn't do and even though witnesses came forward to put her right, she kept escalating abd escalating the situation until mediators had to be involved and she was given a warning by hr.

Manager took her side and made me feel like I was cracking up, accusing me of causing trouble and trying to force me to apologise to my accuser which I refused to do as i hadnt done anything wrong. Looking back I think this was a mistake as I was seen as a problem and a trouble maker as the manager wouldn't acknowledge that I was falsely accused.
Now the women including manager go out for lunch without me, are going on holiday together (I overheard them talking about it) and generally making me feel like shit. I've tried to build bridges by being friendly etc but it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me until im at the point when I feel sick at the thought of going into work. My confidence has gone and although on the surface they are mostly polite to me, I see them giving me the side eye and smirking at each other. For various reasons, I can't leave the job at the moment but I do need some tips or suggestions on how to not let this get to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:32

Whoyoutakingto · 08/02/2025 10:28

Keep record of emails and diary of any behaviour you think is inappropriate towards you. A former colleague had similar left put in an official complaint and claimed constructive dismissal. Work place settled with out court and manager left did us all a Hugh favour. Colleague happily settled in new job and had a promotion.

Thank you, I've heard on the grapevine that the manager might be leaving. I think if this happens, the next in line is a man who I have vaguely known for years in the digital sector and he seems lovely...fingers are crossed

OP posts:
MissDeborah · 08/02/2025 10:32

Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:07

That my asking colleagues not to talk about others is counter productive. Although I challenged positively, there was no need for me to challenge at all and it upset everyone and affected team dynamics

Show quote history

Tbf she has a point
They can do as they wish and you can't control others behaviour.
Keep out of things that don't involve you

5foot5 · 08/02/2025 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well you sound lovely!😠

Whoyoutakingto · 08/02/2025 10:28

Keep record of emails and diary of any behaviour you think is inappropriate towards you. A former colleague had similar left put in an official complaint and claimed constructive dismissal. Work place settled with out court and manager left did us all a Hugh favour. Colleague happily settled in new job and had a promotion.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:27

ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 10:20

If it's public sector there'll be access to counselling.

I'm not sure if I'll have access...im not directly employed by public sector, sort of sub contracted doing surveys and developing technology

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 10:22

If it's OK with you @Ereerenownow I might message you.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:20

saraclara · 08/02/2025 10:17

Then you really need to tune out of the office gossip. It's not down to you to police it, however much you might want to, and feel it right to do so.

Your mistake was in challenging this person when you were a newbie. If you're going to step in in that way, it's only possible and productive if you are very well established, well liked, and preferably a layer above in the hierarchy.

Seriously, just put your head down and work, and tune out of any conversation that isn't directly to do with the task that you're doing.

Show quote history

I think you are right, it just felt like the right thing at the time. I'm not respected enough to challenge and it wasn't tolerated x

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 10:20

If it's public sector there'll be access to counselling.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:19

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/02/2025 10:15

They must be a sad case if they go on holiday with colleagues. (Basically people they're paid to be with). Don't they have any friends?
I started looking for a new job when a manager clearly had favourites. Life is too short.

And the worst of it is, they bitch about each other behind their backs

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/02/2025 10:19

I think in view of the fact that there's already been mediation in your favour I'd consider a formal grievance. This sounds like workplace bullying. Are you in a union? Does your company have access to counselling through occupational health or a self referral facility?

I'd be looking for another job. Also, if you intend to pursue this, forward emails you've received to your personal email, or print them out and keep them.

mnreader · 08/02/2025 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

saraclara · 08/02/2025 10:17

Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:07

That my asking colleagues not to talk about others is counter productive. Although I challenged positively, there was no need for me to challenge at all and it upset everyone and affected team dynamics

Show quote history

Then you really need to tune out of the office gossip. It's not down to you to police it, however much you might want to, and feel it right to do so.

Your mistake was in challenging this person when you were a newbie. If you're going to step in in that way, it's only possible and productive if you are very well established, well liked, and preferably a layer above in the hierarchy.

Seriously, just put your head down and work, and tune out of any conversation that isn't directly to do with the task that you're doing.

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/02/2025 10:15

They must be a sad case if they go on holiday with colleagues. (Basically people they're paid to be with). Don't they have any friends?
I started looking for a new job when a manager clearly had favourites. Life is too short.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:15

Cattery · 08/02/2025 10:14

Public sector by any chance OP?

Yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:14

Whyherewego · 08/02/2025 10:12

If it's an established team that js very close then it's tough to integrate. You can't force them to go to lunch or holiday with you. You asking them not to gossip about people probably did disrupt them because that is what they are used to do.

I agree with PP, look for another job. It's going to be hard after a year to integrate and they'll just continue to exclude you. If it's out of work stuff then you can't really do much about it. Of course if it's in work like moving desks and rhat sort of thing, you can raise to HR.

Thank you, you're right. I don't think I'll ever fit in and at the moment, I'm not sure I want to.

OP posts:
Cattery · 08/02/2025 10:14

Public sector by any chance OP?

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:12

Astrak · 08/02/2025 10:09

Try to ignore them. Turn up on time, do your work as best you can, don't say anything about any of them or anyone else in the office. . Meanwhile, look for another job.
I experienced this twice in my long professional career. One was from a woman already in the team who had applied for my senior position and not got it. The other was exactly the same. Although it was very wearing and disheartening, I stuck both out out for eighteen months. My agency got me other jobs and I left. Best decision ever!

I'm sorry you went through this but glad all is ok now.
Xx

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 08/02/2025 10:12

If it's an established team that js very close then it's tough to integrate. You can't force them to go to lunch or holiday with you. You asking them not to gossip about people probably did disrupt them because that is what they are used to do.

I agree with PP, look for another job. It's going to be hard after a year to integrate and they'll just continue to exclude you. If it's out of work stuff then you can't really do much about it. Of course if it's in work like moving desks and rhat sort of thing, you can raise to HR.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:11

Lamelie · 08/02/2025 10:09

Thank you!
Funnily enough I’ve recommended this to many colleagues (different cohort!) and used them myself. It’s free very high quality coaching for MH issues at work, although you set the agenda.
https://able-futures.co.uk

Show quote history

Thank you, I always had healthy mental health until now so this is useful thanks

OP posts:
Astrak · 08/02/2025 10:09

Try to ignore them. Turn up on time, do your work as best you can, don't say anything about any of them or anyone else in the office. . Meanwhile, look for another job.
I experienced this twice in my long professional career. One was from a woman already in the team who had applied for my senior position and not got it. The other was exactly the same. Although it was very wearing and disheartening, I stuck both out out for eighteen months. My agency got me other jobs and I left. Best decision ever!

Lamelie · 08/02/2025 10:09

Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:03

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've considered counselling as I'm so floored by it all.
I keep receiving emails from manager about how I'm upsetting team dynamics but I honestly don't believe I'm doing anything wrong other than refusing to join in with the drama. Maybe I am the problem, I don't know, I think I need to talk to a counsellor. I hope you are well x

Show quote history

Thank you!
Funnily enough I’ve recommended this to many colleagues (different cohort!) and used them myself. It’s free very high quality coaching for MH issues at work, although you set the agenda.
https://able-futures.co.uk

Support for mental health at work | Able Futures Mental Health Support Service

https://able-futures.co.uk

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:07

Hufflemuff · 08/02/2025 10:04

What is she specifically emailing you to say? What team dynamics?

I'd try and give her enough rope to hang herself.

Show quote history

That my asking colleagues not to talk about others is counter productive. Although I challenged positively, there was no need for me to challenge at all and it upset everyone and affected team dynamics

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 08/02/2025 10:04

Ereerenownow · 08/02/2025 10:03

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've considered counselling as I'm so floored by it all.
I keep receiving emails from manager about how I'm upsetting team dynamics but I honestly don't believe I'm doing anything wrong other than refusing to join in with the drama. Maybe I am the problem, I don't know, I think I need to talk to a counsellor. I hope you are well x

Show quote history

What is she specifically emailing you to say? What team dynamics?

I'd try and give her enough rope to hang herself.

SoScarletItWas · 08/02/2025 10:04

All you can do is compartmentalise. Work is work.

Do your job well, be polite and surface friendly. Ignore the childish smirking and side glances.

Sadly you have to accept that these colleagues aren’t going to be your friends like your previous team.

Agree with looking for something else, but try that to get you through the days.

Hufflemuff · 08/02/2025 10:03

Sounds horrendous. I'd start job hunting but I'd also leave in blaze of glory and put in official complaints to HR first. They've essentially driven you from a job and threatened your livlihood several times.

The next time something like that second incident happened, maybe record it on your phone (not their faces but the voices) to cover yourself and incriminate them.

HR gave them a warning in the past too, so there's a record of them acting in a toxic way towards you - which will go in your favor.