To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

YABU to start with consequences. You’d do far better for praising good behaviour and encouraging that. Reward her for being quiet.
Baby’s bedtime could be time for her to do something fun and grown up, a specific special activity to do or toy to play with that she gets for staying out of baby’s room and keeping the noise down.
I’d also include her in the bed time routine for the baby. She can be be responsible for something and that comes with the caveat that she has to be aware of her noise levels or she doesn’t get to be a helper.

So because that’s how your family was, are all families the same? Or is it possible that in my family it was different?
And, like other posters here, I have tried to give OP a different perspective of what’s going on for her DD.

So who is looking after your 7yo when you're in your bedroom with baby?

Teens are different to small children.

Not all children are the same.

Even ADULTS struggle with the changes a baby brings to their relationships.

Some kids really struggle when parental/family dynamics change. It's big upheaval.
If the baby has taken priority over the older ones ,then they're understandably feeling left out.

They act out like this to get attention, and it works. So you need to make sure they're getting positive attention elsewhere. Making sure you make special time for them too.

page 1 of this thread….🙄
my not yet 3 yo lets me put the baby down

100% implement consequences

i would also spend 1:1 time with her (one morning each weekend or something).
if she has in aggregate let you put the baby down I’d let her pick something “special” as a treat (eg pottery cafe) vs normal 1:1 time playing in the park if she’s not been listening/behaving at babys bedtime

Lots of assumed resentment of a new baby on this thread.... Do nobody's dc actually adore their new sibling? Never dealt with such rubbish... Even my teens were thrilled when ds came along..

When my 3rd was a baby, I had a 2yo and 4yo - no chance of trying to reason with the toddler especially! I used to let the baby nap on me / in a wrap or carrier as I found he would hardly even notice noise when cuddled against me. He's 3 now and my best sleeper - he will sleep anywhere and through anything!

You need to find a way to make her part of the team and not an annoyance. Is she rewarded and praised for helping (eg she entertains baby on playmat- you’re such a fun older sister, she passes him a toy when he cries - you’re such a kind older sister etc) always always go positive.

I agree with this.

What should OP say to describe her bedroom other than ‘our room’?! Come off it

Also all the ‘where is DH’. OP is on mat leave, he’s at work for goodness sake.

She should definitely be able to make the adjustment to give you 15 minutes to put baby to bed. But for the short term, can you arrange to do something particular with her that she likes once the baby is asleep? Like, we’ll read this book once baby is asleep, or you can help me make sandwiches once baby is asleep, or we can watch an episode of peppa pig together once baby is asleep. But only if you don’t wake the baby up. And if you do come in and wake baby then we won’t do the thing…

You obviously wanted a large family, so I guess you thought through child care and how you would manage a 5 year old, 7 year old and a new born. What was your decided strategy? Help from grandparents? Childminder? There must have been a plan for the new bedtime routine, what is it? Expecting a child to be silent isn’t rational or vaguely likely.

Responses here show why children cannot entertain themselves for even a minute.

A 7yo can sit downstairs or their room, with their stuff for 5-10 minutes while an adult does something else that isn't centred around them.

I'm the oldest of 3 and in no way scared by not being the centre of my parents world for their lifetime.

Get your 7 year old to help settle the baby. She is showing you that she feels left out.
Babies get used to noises, no need to tiptoe about.

Great for you that you had a baby who would sleep like that, mine wouldn't.
It was better all round that I had 10 mins undisturbed to get her asleep upstairs so I could be available for the others while she slept, than she kept being woken and then was a screaming mess that we all had to endure.

OP I don't think you're unreasonable - I wouldn't punish but I would certainly expect a 7 year old could be alone (or with a sibling it sounds like!) for 10 mins while I gave the baby what it needs (a decent chance at a nap). There's a difference between sometimes different children needing your full attention at different times and neglecting your child for the sake of the baby and this situation is not the 2nd one.

Agreed, this is the consequence OP.
You mean punishment, in which case I wouldn't. 7 year olds are still very impulsive.
20 mins creeping about in silence is a long time, get the baby used to noisier sleeps.

What wakes babies is not noise. It’s a sudden change in the level of noise. So by tiptoeing around, you’re setting up a situation in which being woken is difficult to avoid.

That apart, yeah - you’re being most unreasonable.

Does it need both parents to settle the baby? I'm on your 7 year old's side. She is feeling pushed out.

Wow seriously you want consequences for a 7 year old. Why have kids she's a child she didn't ask for a baby and quite frankly if you can't figure it now you never will,I've got more kids half are 3 toddlers and they popped in and out and it didn't even take us adults x 2 to put 3 little ones to bed and neglect the olders. Never would I have had more if I thought for one second my olders would be neglected at there expense

Are you both with the baby?
Why can't one of you stay downstairs.
Your 7 year old has has her whole life turned upside down by a baby sibling and although you may think 7 is old enough to understand that Ans adapt it's not that easy
Being the eldest sibling is very difficult.

This! My DS1 was 7 when DS2 was born. He knew to be quiet at certain times, but he still got plenty of attention.

“she is asked not to come in our room where baby sleeps and yet still finds an excuse to ”

This screams out that she is looking for attention. It’s hard to be the older sibling and feel sidelined, while the new baby is getting all the attention. I think you need to make time to do something with your older child, and also explain that when you’re putting the baby to sleep, you’re not ignoring her, but that if she wakes the baby you’ll have less time to be with her. I really don’t think consequences for waking the baby are appropriate - you don’t want her to hate the baby, and she will if you (from her point of view) favour the baby over her.

Does she like screen time? I would save all screen time until just before putting the baby down. I would then put on her favourite show and snack maybe with a special blanket to sit under to watch. This obviously only works she likes TV and it isn't getting loads of it else where.

The new baby isn't her responsibility, but her own behaviour is, and right now it's impacting on everyone.
She's 7 not 2, and she's been asked not to raise her voice around a baby being settled that is not an unreasonable expectation.
OP id be saying something like DD if the baby settles we can watch a bit of TV together, but if you keep waking baby ill need to spend longer continuing to settle him and won't be able to come and watch telly with you.
Then she can see a natural consequence to her behaviour.

YABU.

I find it interesting that you keep referring to 'our room' - you've said it about half a dozen times.

I think your DD must feel excluded.

Is she too old for a sticker chart? Could you try telling the five year old they are lovely and quiet etc and see if she copies?