To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

Yabu

shes 7 and seen time with her parents reduced as two siblings come along and at the moment everything is centred around the baby

One of you settles the baby, the other stays with the other two. If your husband is not around then give her a job to do, praise her when it’s done, or even let her help you settle the baby

But don’t punish her for wanting your attention

I think you are being slightly unreasonable. I think it okay to tell her not to wake the baby however, I think you are at risk of adultifcation. She is only 7. Perhaps you need to involve her in the care of the baby rather than telling to be quiet and go away.

What mental abuse?

I also think people are missing the point when they ask why a seven year old can't be left to entertain themselves.

It's not about that - it's about the fact that mum/dad is now shut away in the bedroom with the new baby while they're left alone with their younger sibling, when up until recently, mum/dad would have been downstairs with them. That's a big change and it's understandable that they might find it upsetting or even a bit scary.

They're being told they can't come and knock, can't be involved and have to go away for 20-30 minutes everyday. There are nicer ways of dealing with it, IMO.

Mum of 5 here. I think you are being unrealistic. In no world would I punish a 7 year old for this.

I don’t think you can make consequences for this unless it is positive ones recognising what she is getting right as mentioned above. I found it stressful trying to get my babies to sleep (also had 3) so sympathise so much, but it’s only a year or two for your baby and they won’t remember this phase, and you will get through it, whereas your 7 year old 100 per cent will remember and it will potentially impact on your relationship for a lot longer than a year or so. The other thing is when your oldest is 7 that seems so old, but to me as a mum of teens, 7 is still a baby.

She wants your time and attention.

If both you and DH are at home, then one of you needs to stay downstairs with the older children while the other settles the baby. If you're on your own, spend half an hour with the older ones before you settle the baby and then set them up with a TV show or something while you're busy upstairs.

Yes, a 7 year old should be capable of leaving you in peace for half an hour, but remember, her whole world has turned upside down and she'll likely be feeling a bit insecure and worried about her place in the family.

I think it's always hardest for the oldest children as they've had you to themselves at one point, whereas younger children have always "shared".

I think my solution addresses this, and helps teach the kid about playing your role in the family unit. Noone can expect to be centre of attention all the time, that's not healthy either. And nobody wins if the baby can't sleep do they?

There's a wide range of opinion on this thread! But my feeling would be try to get the older one involved more with helping and say "once the baby is asleep we will do (treat) together", or another option is judicious use of screen time or computer time

Apologies as I'm sure I must have missed something here. But why are you both putting the baby down to sleep? Why isn't one of you doing it and the other one parenting your other children?

And if it is just one of you settling the baby to nap, why is the other parent not stopping your other child from coming up to your room?

Sounds like my DD. She's turning 7 in a few months and behaves in a similar way. She's the youngest, but our eldest DS is disabled and when he's poorly he can be incredibly difficult to settle so we need her to be quiet.

We found a reward chart and lots of praise helped. Things like "Wow you've been an amazing Sister today!" And "Hey you've done really well today, how about we go do XYZ tomorrow?"

If she isn't as quiet we don't punish her, we just don't reward her and that's all that's needed. On those days she'll usually apologise at bedtime and we'll have extra snuggles.

I know it can be difficult with a baby to care for, but making sure she gets quality time with her parents can really help, too.

These comments are weird.
Has nobody ever heard of a baby monitor?
They are pretty advanced now, they have video, sound and some can even monitor breathing and heart rates.
I love a good contact nap, but sometimes slings, carriers and all that can be unpractical at times, especially for every nap.

Op I understand your frustration. Id start with rewarding the 5 year old for doing as you asked. You could also ask your 7 year old what she would like to do after you put down bub and follow through once she’s followed your instructions.
Making up an activity box for her to distract her during that time could also be an option for you.

Not utterly ridiculous because rewards work.
DD is obviously noisily coming into the bedroom to get her parent's attention. Attention here IS the reward - negative attention (punishment) or positive attention either way it's still what she's after
Best way to deal with this is give her the positive attention as reward if she does as asked.
DD, if you can leave us alone quietly for 15 minutes so I can settle the baby then we'll have time to play your game/read your story when baby is asleep.
Natural reward for not waking baby - DD gets some positive attention with parent playing her game.
Natural consequence for waking baby - oh dear we don't have time for our game now because the loud noise woke baby up.

By only setting up a negative consequence (a punishment for coming in) DD is still getting the attention she wants but has zero incentive NOT to carry on doing it

@MissDeborah I could sleep through an earthquake, so can my youngest. I was merely stating what worked for me.

This!! It's not 'pushing her out' why shouldn't the new baby get a bit of mums undivided attention just like DD did when she was a baby she is not her parents only child!!!

Could you sleep if someone came bursting in your room or persistently knocked on the door?.

If "give consequences" translates as punishment then you are definitely being unreasonable. One of you stays with the baby to settle it and the other is with the other children.

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely ridiculous. The OP is not telling the 7 year old that she is less important than the baby. She is asking the 7 year old to be considerate to the baby's needs. I do not think this is unreasonable at all and yes, I do believe a 7 year old is old enough to manage without a parent giving them attention for 5 minutes.

ok age differences of children here match my family growing up. My sibling and I felt like 3rd wheels. All about the baby. It was us farmed out to be looked after when space was needed. Us expected to look after the toddler. Us blamed if he fell over.

I say don't punish but do very seriously think about any dynamics you are creating that could result in jealousy, feeling ignored etc etc

I think you're making a mistake by creeping around and insisting on silence. The baby fits into your life, not the other way round IMO. I made the mistake of doing this with my firstborn who then couldn't sleep at the slightest sound. With my second, I didn't do that. Life has to go on.

Could you take her up with you. Let her see what goes on when baby is being put to sleep. Take the mystery out of it. It probably seems to her like baby gets this special one on one time with you and if she sees that really it’s the same as the way you put her to sleep it won’t feel like she’s missing out on anything.

7 is plenty old enough to understand 20 minutes quiet time at bedtime.

Yes to a consequence, but nothing major. So no TV for 15 minutes. Or loss of tablet for the same amount of time. Just something to embed it in her head.

What are you talking about?

And the reading comprehension. No wonder there was post recently about the average reading age being 9-11.