To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

A family member has 3 children, an older boy completely ignored him then the six year old mother absolutely cherished her then the baby came along mother dropped the 6 year old like a hot potato and absolutely cherished the baby now all three children have mental health issues would you believe?

But if you swap things over and give in to her then you are saying baby's needs (sleep) come second to her want for attention from mummy. That's equally unfair? Why does the new baby come second to their sibling?
OP cannot be in two places at once.

Recognising that a very new baby is more vulnerable than a 7 year old is not 'putting the baby first' it is recognising that a 7 year old is more able to wait to have their needs met, than a new baby can wait. If baby has to wait to be settled to sleep they will rapidly become overtired and harder to settle. A 7 year old should be perfectly capable of waiting 5 minutes for her mum to be available.

I'd also argue that the 7 year olds 'need' for her mums attention is not, in that moment, a need, but a want. She needs her mums attention but she does not actually need it right that moment!!

Why are you both settling the baby down to sleep?

I think a 7 year old is easily old enough to understand you need like 15 minutes alone with the baby with no noise or other distraction. Right, she needs you too, but at her age she can manage a few minutes without you - unless the house is on fire - and especially if you explained why. I suspect your oldest isn't too happy about the new baby and now tries and make you feel guilty. Has she trouble sharing you with the 5-year old as well? Don't let her do that, and don't give in. Just continue settling baby as you do now, and if she bursts into the room gently tell her to go downstairs. Then when baby is asleep go ask her what was so urgent, make her see she's in the wrong. I wouldn't punish her, but let her feel you feel very unhappy about her not doing as asked.

Oh sort your self out.

Loads of kids are perfect at school and let it all out at home.
You're saying that small children aren't allowed to express negative emotions and not giving them the tools to deal with it, not acknowledging that perhaps they are allowed to feel this way.

She's 7 so is getting her mums attention away from baby back to her, and its working. Which suggests she's not feeling quite as wanted as before, and all because the mum and dad are prioritising the baby over her, probably in all parts if her life.

It so interesting there's people that want their direct needs are more immediate and need dealing with "right now".

But an older child's need to feel included and equal are just as important, even if not in that exact moment of feeding baby.

This won't be the only behaviour the child is displaying in regards to this issue., it's just the one OP notices most.

Your poor 7 year old. Just because you have a new baby doesn’t mean you aren’t her parent anymore, she probably wants you more than ever right now and you’re considering punishing her for it.

Sorry but baby Needs to get used to having 2 older siblings. Kids won't pussy foot around a baby all the time. I grew up with 4 older siblings and two younger. The house was always noisy sometimes babies got woken but they soon adjusted. Giving her consequences will just make her feel isolated and she will see baby as a rival for your affection and may not accept them easily leading to bullying etc. Remember your DF was there before either of her siblings and suddenly she is having not just 1 but 2 others to share her affection with.

Step wayyy too far. One way or another baby will get their sleep and won’t remember any of it. On the other hand your daughter will always remember how you pushed her aside.

The baby's needs ARE more important, at least at this stage. A 7-year-old should understand this, even if she doesn't like it. Billions of children have had to realize that infants take up their parents' time and attention. That's life.

She’s a child with a new sibling who obviously needs more attention than they’re getting. Why are they leaving a child downstairs alone to put the baby to bed? Of course the child is going to follow you up and use any excuse they can? That’s on the parent, not the child.

A newborn and an infant aren't quite the same thing.

Does the 7 year old defy instructions, loudly interrupt others and clamor for attention at school? I doubt it. She is choosing to be disruptive at home, and this behaviour should be curbed.

She's trying to get the baby to sleep.
It's hardly showing that the baby is more important than the 7yr old. It's getting the baby into a sleep schedule which is important.

@sleptlikeababydidnt
I agree with others that maybe DC1 could get involved with babies bedtime. Encouraging the quietness in a positive light and then you two can have a little time for something afterwards. Like a mum and (name) reading time before she goes to bed.

It's jealousy, plain and simple.
She wants attention.
She's already had to share you once with DC2 and now there's a new little person who needs more attention and she's struggling to adjust.
I'm going on how my firstborn was, it may not be the same but I've a gut feeling that it's what it is

Would you punish the baby for waking up the 7 year old?

This is excellent advice.

Could you find a way to give her an important role in settling him? Make her feel part of it. Ask her to read him a short story then kiss him goodnight and she can either sit quietly whilst you finish off getting him asleep and you both walk out together or she agrees to meet you back downstairs when you're done. She might not burst in if she's given permission to be there and part of it?

@Sunholidays children who are suddenly expected to no longer behave like children because they've been replaced with another smaller one

Eh? "Children like this"? you mean with younger siblings?

I've got 4. Get your 7yo to read a story to the baby. Get her involved. Make her feel included.

Nonsense. Everyone in the family is responsible for being courteous and considerate of others. The child is well old enough to control herself.

'Generally' and 'both do bedtime but not necessarily together' suggests there are times when you are both involved with the baby as otherwise you would be saying one of us always watches the other children while one parent puts the baby down. As you are both involved in babies bedtime at some point this could seem like you are prioritising the baby. The 5 year old is perhaps not seeing themselves as being pushed out as much as the 7 year old who is older and has already gone through this once before. Your tolerance of the 7 year old being older might also be different as you think they should be able to behave better.
You need to get them involved. Rather than pushing them out of the bedroom get them to help put the baby down and settle them. They might soon get bored of this but will see that they are still important. At the moment being told to go away is rejecting them and if you punish them for interrupting the babies bedtime this will just confirm their thoughts.

I've been in this exact situation and I definitely wouldn't punish. I know it's so frustrating when they wake the baby but I agree with the others that you need to make sure they don't feel pushed out. I'd try and make sure you get lots of quality time together when you aren't trying to get baby down, like if baby is laying on the floor do something with the other children and then when it is sleep time, tell them once you have put baby down you will play together - maybe she can set something up while you're getting baby down? I understand how frustrating it is but punishment will only make her feel worse and make this situation worse.

It's not your 7 years fault that you've had so many children and she's now expected to be so grown up.

I've seen kids like this, it rarely ends well. They usually grow up far too fast

Depends how you frame it I guess, I taught my daughter to be quiet whilst I put the baby down because then we'd be able to have uninterrupted play time for a bit. She was 2 when he was born, she got it!