Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
KaylaLS · 08/02/2025 08:51

Block any contact with him so that you move on from this situation.

Whether he is happier, sadder, well dressed, not dressed…none of it matters to you.

By blocking all contact you won’t know whether he is ‘happier without you’.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 08/02/2025 08:47

He sounds repulsive.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:46

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 08:38

Saving someone is a romantic notion.

It is so arrogant. People work for years training to work with and help addicts, keeping themselves safe in the process. Then others think they can save an addict with magic vaginas. Then they lose themselves.

Sassybooklover · 08/02/2025 08:45

Your ex is an addict. The new clothing is probably stolen and the reason he looks happier is because he was high when he saw you. Yes, you care but you can't help him. Only he can help himself, but like many addicts he will have to hit rock bottom before he seeks it. You don't want to start appearing to be a soft touch, otherwise he'll start asking you for money, a place to stay and start bringing his new friends with him. They aren't friends, they're addicts he's met along the way. You need to block him, install a Ring doorbell and move on. He's not your responsibility. Of course you're not the reason why he went down this rabbit hole, drugs can take hold of anyone, from all walks of life. Concentrate on your own life, find new hobbies, meet friends - please don't waste your life away trying to 'help' him.

dottiedodah · 08/02/2025 08:39

He has problems and man6! Sometimes we see this person we loved ,caught up in an alternative life.we want to shake them make them see the light. He isn't a romantic hero but someone set on self destruction. Drugs are bad news ,they show a weak character. Have you met anyone else?,tried a dating app.thers plenty more men! Bringing a coffee in bed or a chat is fairly standard. He's not the milk tray man.if your idea of romance is having a drugged up guy with no money or plans this needs addressing. Be glad to move on and be healthy and free

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 08:38

Saving someone is a romantic notion.

IlooklikeNigella · 08/02/2025 08:36

OP he's gone. The drugs have got him in their grasp. He's too ill now. It's not his friends or a potential new woman or new life. It's drug addiction.

My friend told me it was like his wife had died but left her body. Once he surrendered to grieving he started to heal.

I'm so sorry. I also love my DH so much and would be devastated if I had to see him fall apart like this. Not drugs but a few years ago I watched him have a mental health breakdown. I missed the old him so much.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. But stop interacting with him.

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:34

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:33

It's weird. Even though I know his life is a mess. It really is. These people are both good. It feels Like a massive fuck you to me. I have tried so hard to help him out and its cost me alot of money and time. I've been there for years. To become irrelevant overnight to these people

I know that's irrational. But I'm being honest.

Honey, he's a USER. A lot of drug users use people as well as drugs, don't even take it personally its just how they are.

But you're right, it is a massive kick in the teeth! Find your anger and use that to get over this user/loser.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:31

Callingallbutterflies · 08/02/2025 08:25

You will be happier without him. Onwards and upwards.

This. You need therapy. You cannot save people from themselves. That is arrogance thinking you have the knowledge and skills to save an addict.

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:30

IsItSummerSoon · 08/02/2025 07:27

You are being slightly manipulative and disingenuous. It’s been going on long enough that you should realise it’s time to move on. You’re living in a pretend world right now where you are the hero, trying to save someone. You’re not. You’re just not
moving on. I feel sorry for you but you need to decide enough is enough and let this go.

And you're kicking someone who is already down.

Miaowzabella · 08/02/2025 08:30

Why do you need to call him?

Jeds55 · 08/02/2025 08:29

His lifestyle sounds so chaotic
Protect yourself - grieve the person that you remember and loved because he has (possibly just temporarily) gone.

You need to step back - stop contacting him. He, and his friends, will use you for all they can get from you

bluegreen89 · 08/02/2025 08:25

People on here saying ‘just move on’ like it’s easy have mo empathy or true understanding. I’d suggest therapy to help you navigate this, otherwise the stress and trauma will make you ill. This is something that may rear its ugly head down the line ie you might bump into him or hear of his death. Please protect yourself and good luck.

Callingallbutterflies · 08/02/2025 08:25

You will be happier without him. Onwards and upwards.

spuddy4 · 08/02/2025 08:23

He's not bouncing with new energy he's bouncing because he's got a key of Columbias finest marching power up his nose. I've been in your position many years ago and you can't compete with the drugs. I wish I'd have saved myself a lot of time and heartbreak and realised this earlier but you can't fix an addict, they can only fix themselves and have to want it. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Devon24 · 08/02/2025 08:21

Get some professional help op. Really it will do you the world of good.

PheasantPluckers · 08/02/2025 08:16

He sounds extremely troubled.

Sevenamcoffee · 08/02/2025 08:12

The only thing you should do now for your own wellbeing is block him and cut all contact. It will make the grieving process easier. Then at some point examine your own saviour/rescuer complex and what that’s all about for you.

Dashel · 08/02/2025 08:08

I think you need to see this as a stepping stone to a better life.

Presumably you would like someone who loves you, supports you back and doesn’t just take from you. Someone who is going to return your love and support and want the same things in life that you do, maybe marriage or children or a house together or travel plans. Someone who isn’t an addict.

Splitting up with him is short term pain and you are grieving for the person you thought he was and the future you thought that you would have and it sounds like that person went a long time ago and that future is dead.

Maybe think of the drugs as his other woman and accept that he has made his choice very clear. You need to step back, block him, lick your wounds for a little while and move on to a better life.

I would echo posters worried about them using you for drugs so maybe look at security like a ring doorbell.

In 5 years time you will regret the time, energy and money you wasted on him.

Marine30 · 08/02/2025 08:06

You lost me at ‘tells the food bank he has a kid to get extra food’ what a complete and utter waste of space.
He’s gone. Please stop grieving and see it as the best thing he ever did for you.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/02/2025 08:03

OP I do feel for you, if I am correct, you have been posting about this man using different user names for a few months. It’s clear you are really struggling but it’s very difficult now for anyone to get through to you.
Your posts don’t say much about you now, they are all about him, his life, his woes, his addiction.
You do talk about your grief, your loss and that you feel you have done something wrong, and can’t understand why this man doesn’t appreciate you.
He is a drug addict.
And in your own way he is an addiction to you. The constant calling, checking up on him, it is becoming seriously unhealthy. Having read your previous threads you seem to be sinking, and it is hard to offer any advice because your only focus is him.
I think you have a child - where are they in all this? How is it for them, with their mum spending all this money, time and energy on this truly awful man?
The fact is he’s an addict and he could die but he sounds to me the type who won’t. He will just continue as he is now, living the addict life.
I am sorry you are so upset but you sound like you are becoming seriously unwell with all of this.

Cattreesea · 08/02/2025 08:01

He is your ex OP. Move on.

All that this guy is doing is bringing negativity into your life.

It is not your job to 'save' him from his addiction and poor life choices.

Don't allow him to drag you on any further and get on with your life.

RetroTotty · 08/02/2025 07:59

I agree with pp, if his friends get wind of you being involved with meds it could end very badly for you, as you'll be seen as a resource.

Supersoakers · 08/02/2025 07:57

It must be heartbreaking to see someone ruin their own life so dramatically. It’s not a reflection on you. This is his journey and he did at some point choose it and continues to choose it. Time to make some choices for yourself now.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 08/02/2025 07:55

It's perfectly normal to still love him, and want him back the way he was.
People are very quick to turn their backs on addicts, but the time you have left with an addicted loved one can end suddenly. You will always know that you remained his friend and tried to help whether he comes through this and gets his life in order, or if he doesn't.

Swipe left for the next trending thread