Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/02/2025 12:37

How are things @Griefinthenight ?

BMW6 · 12/02/2025 12:26

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 10/02/2025 12:54

I know it might extreme but could you change your number? Seems like the next logical step considering he can keep contacting you from different numbers. You are never going to be able to move on.

I've asked this as well but OP hasn't responded as far as I can see.

It's a nuisance for her but the obvious solution.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 19:58

Hope the phone call or whatever support you received this afternoon helped you @Griefinthenight
And remember in all of this upset it’s important to not just focus on the trauma/heartbreak.
You could spend a lifetime studying all the things that were wrong with your ex but all that does it keeps you stuck.
Let him concern himself what’s wrong with him.
You concern yourself with what you can do with your life. Self esteem and confidence don’t come knocking one day.
So many women on MN have had to start again from ground zero having left behind traumatic relationships.
I can remember setting myself little tasks like cleaning out a cutlery drawer. Wiping my hall windows. Tiny little tasks. But over time they build up.
The thing that got me better was spending time with people I liked, who liked me. People who just liked my company and that was it. And I had to make an effort to make new friends, it’s not easy.
You were not brought into this world, as a kind and caring person, to be abused. This man has abused you and if you add together the details you have given over previous posts, very badly. His family have been abusive at times.
You have a choice now just as he has a choice.
I did access some counselling via the NHS and it took me four years to get trauma therapy via the NHS but it was worth the wait.
I looked at resources to help my trauma and stayed away from resources which were about the other person’s. Use your brain power to help you, not try and understand someone else. A therapist said this to me and it’s a common saying - trying to reason with a person like this, like your ex, is like trying to reason with a monkey armed with a machine gun.
I will leave it here as I know I have followed your threads. But I want to say make the choice and choose you. Get a new phone number, and save your heart it’s not too late.
And I wish you lots and lots of luck.

Griefinthenight · 11/02/2025 13:55

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 06:05

How are things @Griefinthenight ?

I went to work this morning to do a half shift because I didn't want to be with my thoughts at home.

I don't know who's phoning me at 3. They work with the domestic abuse team via the police.

I need as much help as possible as cheap as possible. I'm going to look into it all now. I've had enough of feeling alone and sad.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 06:05

How are things @Griefinthenight ?

CreationNat1on · 10/02/2025 18:56

Block him, change numbers.

CorEckIsLike · 10/02/2025 18:11

OP you posted about this very recently just leave him to his life and you do yours

Griefinthenight · 10/02/2025 18:08

Ohnobackagain · 10/02/2025 15:01

Keep ignoring and not responding @Griefinthenight you can break the cycle by continuing to ignore, especially from friends’ phones etc

Edited

I have ignored him all day I haven't responded.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 10/02/2025 15:01

Keep ignoring and not responding @Griefinthenight you can break the cycle by continuing to ignore, especially from friends’ phones etc

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 10/02/2025 12:54

I know it might extreme but could you change your number? Seems like the next logical step considering he can keep contacting you from different numbers. You are never going to be able to move on.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/02/2025 09:26

I know it’s a hassle @Griefinthenight but it’s time to get a new number.
You can keep blocking/ignoring but these messages will keep coming.
Unless you do that, you will stay trapped in this.
I know if you care about this man the one thing you would want is for him to give up drugs.
Anyone who cares about you would want you to do the same - give up this need to keep helping someone who doesn’t care. It is like an addiction, too.
Only he can make the decision to give up drugs.
Only you can make the decision to cut all ties and contact.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/02/2025 08:55

Hopelesscase32 · 08/02/2025 07:23

If he's always in new clothes he's probably now moved to dealing himself. Seriously move on, I'm not quite sure what it is you're still trying to hang on to

Exactly what I was thinking

Griefinthenight · 10/02/2025 07:38

I slept a little better. He messaged me of a friends phone half an hour ago. I haven't replied to it. He wrote. Sorry I've been busy had alot to sort and to be honest I was bottling it abit.
No idea why he was bottling contact. I'm not responding anyway. There's no point I don't want to know.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/02/2025 06:47

How are you doing today @Griefinthenight ?

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 19:32

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 15:38

I asked a friend who works with addiction she recommend this organisation, it’s like the Al Anon version for loved ones of drug addicts.
It is also important though to step away from this life where your energy weekend has been around him and where he is and what he’s doing.
You had a life before and you can have one now.

www.nar-anon.co.uk/

Thanks I'll look now. Thanks for your kindness. I really am trying.

OP posts:
mumda · 09/02/2025 16:10

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:02

I'm dragged down. I've desperately tried to save him. But these friends just win. He chooses them over me. The lifestyle terrifies me. But he doesn't really care or try to hide it now. He won't talk to me. He ignores all my calls. There's nothing more I can do. I have to grieve him. I just wish he wasn't around these people.

Accept you will never win.
He's the only person playing his game.

You need to step away for your own sanity and wellbeing.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 15:38

I asked a friend who works with addiction she recommend this organisation, it’s like the Al Anon version for loved ones of drug addicts.
It is also important though to step away from this life where your energy weekend has been around him and where he is and what he’s doing.
You had a life before and you can have one now.

www.nar-anon.co.uk/

username299 · 09/02/2025 15:36

CoDA is free and Anxiety UK offer affordable therapy if you're on a low income. You may also benefit from Al Anon.

CoDA.org

Recovery program for codependence. Find a local or online meeting. If you desire healthy & loving relationships CoDA can help.

https://coda.org/

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 15:23

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:31

You've said you don't want therapy - but you need it. It must be really hard, and even if you know you should forget it and move on, it's obviously not that easy.

It's just the £70 a week cost for therapy. Its a luxury really. I perhaps need to look online for some podcasts or videos to listen to. I've had therapy before. Didn't find it life changing as I needed to leave him and no amount of therapy was helping back then.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 15:17

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 12:14

Adult child of a kind alcoholic here. I have a tendancy to enjoy the company of male addicts. I see my pattern now, and protect myself better. Addicts can be very romantic (usually on something or under some influence). In good times, they are great, funny, playful, romantic company. When they focus on you, it's wonderful, when you are their partner in crime.

However when you need support, when you want something, when you ate under the influence of something they have supplied, they want nothing to do with you. They want support but zero responsibility for how they impact other people.

Be a cold hearted bint and put yourself first. He will fuck himself up, no matter what you do.

Thank you. You are right. He made me feel so intensely in love in the past. I was the center of his world sometimes. I miss him in stupid ways. Used to love Sundays with him. We go buy everything to make a big roast. Walk the dog. Then he'd cook and we'd watch a film. He'd run me a bath later on. It sounds boring but it's where my brain goes. I end up almost in self pity sometimes thinking why doesn't he miss those days.

I got a message an hour ago saying he's OK and will ring later. So he's choosen to ignore everyone since yesterday. So I messaged and said you don't need to ring. You aren't bothered about talking. So let's leave it. I have blocked his latest number now. I do feel woken up realising he's not given a hoot about responding to anyone for over 24 hours. He's not worrying about me or of I'm safe and alive. So sod him now. I'm sorry for the blip

OP posts:
BMW6 · 09/02/2025 14:42

Why won't you change YOUR number and only give the new one to those who will not pass it on to him or tell you anything about him?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:32

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:47

No we haven't been together a few months. I've managed 3 weeks no contact but he still ends up contacting me when things are bad and certain situations happen. It kinda puts me back in my recovery. He changes his numbers like I change my socks.

Block him everywhere.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:31

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:51

When I'm not busy my heads just stuck on the past and what it used to be. I'm so scared he will die too. I am sad. So sad. But I need to sort it out

You've said you don't want therapy - but you need it. It must be really hard, and even if you know you should forget it and move on, it's obviously not that easy.

dorathexplorer · 09/02/2025 14:26

Accept that he may die. Accept that he is a loser. Accept that you have no influence over what he does. I remember when I did online counselling about anxiety they said make lists - things I can change and things I cannot change. If they are in that second list then accept that.
You could also go to your Gp and tell him/her exactly what you have said here. They will refer you to online counselling which may be helpful and they may suggest an anti anxiety that will help.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 13:45

Honestly you are doing your best. I bet your son adores you. You have a little guy there who really is your person, the real deal, the one who matters most.
You have a whole, whole life to be lived with him.
You have a chance here to end this.
Once someone who is around drugs is arrested it doesn’t end well I have seen it. Seen ordinary, decent people dragged into hell and it’s hard to come back from.
Please, please let him go. Choose you and your son and your happiness together over him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread