To find parenting adults so stressful

Op when I read that you said they are trying to stress you on purpose I thought maybe they were being rude or awful to you but your kids having anxiety or having poor mental health isn't about you, It's about them. I think you need to step up especially for your son who has just broken up with his gf if he is so far away, don't make excuses he is far or therapy is expensive. You chose to have 4 kids so toughen up abit and if all 4 are having issues then you might want to look closer to home as to why. Stop making this about your feelings when they are the ones stressed.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 18 @Rockomum so I do understand the struggles for your DD1. I’m in my forties now so it was a long time ago. The treatments now are so much better so hopefully she’s under the right care and things will improve for her.

As for your other children, I get it. I thought it would be such a relief when mine got older that I wouldn’t have the same worries. My eldest is 20 and I think I worry more about him now than when he was younger, but they will all find their way (I mean we did, and I definitely caused my parents lots of worry at that age).

My four kids are now late 20s and early 30s and our worries are a lot less than when they were early 20s. I think Uni and the time afterwards is a stressful uncertain time for many. You want to have loads of fun and be independent but it's not always easy. You are often living in shitty expensive rentals with immature flatmates and you don't really know what is going to happen with jobs etc. Throw in MH issues or actual health issues then it's no surprise it's stressful.

I'm friends with a big group and we all have kids that are now late 20s or older. When the were younger there was always someone's kid who was going through some drama or other. All of us had our worries albeit for bigger things or smaller things. Everything has settled down so much now they are older.

OP, I found that I got anxious as menopause kicked in. I had never been a worrier so was shocked by it. It's not a good combo if it ties in with your kids having worries.

One thing that's really good is that your kids all sound very bright. That's a big help. They really should all be ok. Hope your daughter get help with her arthritis.

I never told my parents anything when I was a young adult. My adult children tell me everything and sometimes I wonder why. Infact sometimes I think why have you told me that? I wouldn't have told my mum that. Different personalities, different times, they were brought up differently I guess. It is hard OP, much easier when they are tiny when you can protect them from the world.

This is life and you should thank your lucky stars your problems are what they are - some of them are so pathetic - trains are expensive for her to come from London - has she ever heard of Victoria bus station? I never had the luxury of thinking I could take a train when I was a student in London and travelled home for Christmas. Men are rude at nights out - you know, it is not compulsory to go out at night - she may try to study more at night, might discover something useful. Doing his masters - mental health problems - some people never get the luxury of doing a BA, never mind masters (think young carers, wiping arses and misses school because they feel they can't abandon their family) - try comparing yourself to those who are worse off, not better off than you - you don't have to go far for that, look at some MN posts, it will help bring you do a better comparison.

Yes I agree with previous posters. It's a really difficult stage of parenting which coincides with other stressful life events of our own like cancer scares, elderly parents, and menopause.

My parents would have had no idea any of this was going on as I wouldn't have told them and they wouldn't have asked!

I do feel sorry for your ill DD though and think that's where your efforts should go.

That sounds very difficult. I don’t have adult children but as an adult child myself, I don’t and haven’t confided in my parents (who I see weekly and have a good laugh with, no big issues) about anything difficult since I was about 15. You must be a wonderful parent if they are willing to share these challenges with you, albeit a very worried one! Hang in there OP.

I was a bit like your eldest, always pissing off to different countries, having a ball. You’re worried about him the most but if he’s anything like I was, he’s having the time of his life and learning so much. It’s a bit safer now with Google maps showing you how to avoid any dodgy areas etc. He must have self confidence to travel for an extended time. You should be proud of yourself for instilling that independence in him. Probably doesn’t alleviate the worry though! Does he stay in touch? I text every day in the family group chat.

Yeah! Because no one with a sick DD who has been virtually bed bound all winter with a debilitating illness would be worried at all would they?

This one thing alone would be horrendous. The OP also has three other DC’s.

Pretty heartless comment. Never ceases to amaze me how some parents actually do just stop caring when they get their DC’s to adulthood. Sad 😟

Wtf?

This is a good thread and I really empathise with you OP.
I have a tendency towards anxiety anyway, but since my DD , 18, has been at uni in London it has got so much worse. And she is fairly happy with how things are going, but she wants to be a classical musician! (She's at a conservatoire and it is very competitive there) and this is hardly the most secure job. But I just have to try and let go a bit I know.
My DS is 16 and has GCSEs this year. He and DH are at loggerheads because he is lazy regarding his revision and I feel stuck in the middle, but my feeling is that DS must get on with it himself, like I did at his age.

I think that life is so much harder for this age group (late teens/early twenties) in many ways as things feel insecure eg ability to buy a house, get a secure job, afford a family etc.

I hope things improve for you and your kids anyway.

I'm glad you posted this. Mine are 23 and 26 and while they are doing their best it is not a carefree world for a young person. Worries about housing, jobs and climate are very real and can affect their mental health along with the usual romantic trials.
I just hope that having loving parents who they can speak to will enhance their resilience.

It's absolutely the hardest stage of parenting, no question.

Love that someone who has a toddler has told you to stop, the ignorance of youth is always endearing.

Those who say to just stop worrying clearly don't have adult children. And I wouldn't have understood either. I talk to my own parents now about what it was like when I was in my twenties and had no idea how much they cared and cried with worry sometimes. They didn't show it to me and now mine are 25, 22 and 18 I try to keep my worrying hidden just as she did. Can't turn it off though. My 99 year old nanna still worries about my Dad who's in his late 70s!

Think I went through all of the things your kids are going through as a teen and in early 20s (except chronic pain). I didn't tell my parents any of them. I guess just feel it's good they can confide but you can't fix everything.

Absolutely agree it's important to raise this.

What a great post too dee I can't add anything more worthwhile.

You are right that the problems are bigger, but they are also adults now.

Although you worry, you will never solve everything for them, and you don't have any responsibility to do so - they are finding their own way.

I really identify with this OP, thank you for posting. There are some very interesting replies which I'm going to re read. I have 4 adult DC too and also continue to worry about them, though they are late 20s /early 30s and with the exception of one, fairly settled now. I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable to worry! It's just how to keep it in check.
I have grandchildren too now, but interestingly, though I of course absolutely adore them, I don't worry about them to the same ( probably excessive) degree. Different when they are unwell/ dealing with something serious obviously.
Back to your post -we have seen our children dealing with some of the issues that you mention, especially mental health problems.
As others have said, I think your DS1 is having the best time and with kindness, I'd leave him to get on with his adventure. He's not travelling alone now ( been there!) and that's a big plus.
DS2 - it's very hard watching your children suffer after a big break up. It will pass with time. Seems like he's talking with you, so I'd just keep the communication open and be there for him and visit if possible. Maybe he will re locate after his Masters and that would help him to put this behind him? Try to encourage him to look forward, not back. From what I've seen with mine, counselling can help a lot sometimes, but not always. Is there anything available through his university? Waits for nhs counselling can be 6 months plus here at the moment.
DD1 has a big challenge with an ongoing physical issue and I can see why you're very concerned. As others have suggested, I'd be looking for outside suggestions of support from her university or an appropriate charity.
DD2, my immediate thought was that it's just not working out for her at present. Is she thinking about changing course, perhaps to a university outside of London? One thing that I did with all mine, which actually seemed to work, was to suggest that they put a time limit on situations that were making them unhappy - give it 3/6/12 months or whatever and if no better, then maybe it's time for a change.
We're in the same position financially ie not great, but it is what it is, we keep going. Both working part time post retirement. We've never been able to help our children in a huge way financially though we've done what we can, but I do feel that we have good relationships with them, as do they with each other. Sounds like you do too, so be proud of that and again, thanks for posting your thoughts. Really struck a chord with me.

I had a baby when my elder dds were teens. It meant I was less hands on than I perhaps would have been . I alway made time for them but ultimately they made their own choices and found their own way. It was actually really good for our relationship as we transitioned into friends as well as mother/daughter.

Eldest is 25 has a good job she enjoys and recently bought her first house. She likes to travel when she can.

Middle child is 22 and started her career last September, currently lives at home and pays board.

Try to worry a little less about the older two, they are adults responsible for their own paths.

At 24 I had moved abroad with a new boyfriend as he had been offered a new job. My parents’ were horrified! 16 years on, we are married, one child, own a house, a flat, and have an income of circa 100k. You are assuming the worst! These awful futures might materialise, but they also might not. Your son might come home in a year and get a great job? Meet a lovely girl etc etc. Your middle son might also come out the other side as a young man really aware and competent! In a way I think the girls are more vulnerable because well, they’re girls and I think things are riskier for girls today - but they seem self aware, well educated. Agree with pp that they should use the university services to the maximum whilst they’re there.
try not to catastrophise so much. Easier said than done I know.

I feel the same as you. I look back on the relatively minor stuff we dealt with when they were at school and think what on earth was I worrying about.

I have tried to be the opposite of my parents. I was desperately unhappy as a young adult but never turned to them as they were Emotionally neglectful. So I went the opposite way with my kids so they can tell me everything. But my goodness, it is so damn hard to hear everything.

Your thread is so relatable @Rockomum

I only have 2 children (one of 27, one 32) but I worry about them so much. They both have problems with adult life, though they are completely different characters and completely different problems.

I worry about them more now than when they were teenagers living at home. Adult life is very hard for some people but what can you do? You can't protect them like you could when they were younger.

OP I have no great words of wisdom, just sharing that worrying is normal, even when you gently let go.

I also have four DC, a bit older between 38 and 42, and I’d say that their early to mid twenties were the most worrying for me. By their thirties, the worry had become a dull rumble in the back of my mind that I could tune into if they needed me, but mostly I ignore it.

They all have a mix of challenges with their physical and/or mental health, and sometimes it simply doesn’t seem fair. It’s hard work not to dwell on it when neighbours’ kids seem to be so much more successful. But they’ve mostly found their niche and we’re here for emergencies.

One has a disability and has found employment with similarly affected children. He has been able to access funds from university and is studying for a post-grad qualification.

We always worry about the grandkids, simply because the world is so different and they are on endless waiting lists. One is permanently in low-level pain with flare-ups. The other may age out of the system before diagnosis.

Money worries are relentless. I could win the lottery and still feel skint. DH and I are crumbling our way into our seventies.

You are absolutely correct. Parenting adults has been by far the most difficult and stressful. And I was a single parent with a very stressful job and and an abusive XH who almost bankrupted me. My life is now simpler and calmer but parenting DDs 23 ans 18 is so stressful. Even though they are wonderful lovely girls.