To find parenting adults so stressful

All very wise words here. Agree.

Your oldest son sounds like me at that age. Travelling. Missing flights. Sleeping on beaches. No plan. Totally carefree. The absolute best time of my life. Honestly, I realise my parents probably had the same worries. Though there was no smart phones back then so they’d go months without hearing from me as I rarely called or emailed. He’s having the time of his life. He will be ok and it’s the best thing to do. The absolute best. Jobs can wait. Seeing the world is everything.

The other 2 at uni just sounds like normal life stuff. Which is hard but something they need to navigate. Break ups, uni life, big cities etc. It’s a part of growing up and learning to deal with real life, it’s never plain sailing. There will always be stresses to go through and it’s important to develop the resilience to cope with it.

The middle DD with the illness is the only one I would really worry about, will she ever be able to get a job and live independently? I guess that’s what we want for our children ultimately. I hope you can access all the right medical care to help her and some charity support

OP, I can imagine that it must be hard to turn off the worry-switch, even though your children are now adults and need to learn to work out how to live their lives themselves. Could you perhaps get some therapy yourself? In the title you mention "parenting" adult children, however, they don't need parenting. You might never be able to stop worrying entirely, but I am concerned you might harm the relationship you will have with them if you still try to parent them at this age. They won't accept it and it will cause conflicts down the line. At their ages they need to fall flat on their faces a few times before they learn what does work. The same applied to you when you first started out as an adult.

I think the only child who really needs your support is your 20 year old daughter. It must be awful dealing with such severe health problems, especially at that age. However, even here, I wonder if you are worrying too much on her behave and therefore inadvertently add to the worries she already has for her own health and future.

To try to get to the point, you can't know what the future will bring. You can only focus on what you can do right now. I would back off from trying to parent any of your kids. They are all adults now. Give them advise if they ask for it and listen to their problems, but also realize that these problems are theirs and theirs to solve. It's a little harder with you 20 year old daughter, but I also think it's important, especially given her condition, that you treat her like the adult she is. Offer what support you can, but not the detriment of yourself and your husband.

Your job as a parent is now largely done and I think you are struggling with the transition from being an active parent to building mature relationships with your children for the rest of your lives.

Maybe but it sounds more like chronic overwhelm to me.

Yes but sometimes it takes one extra thing and you’re overwhelmed.

@PontiacFirebird Yes this! Beyond 18 my parents had no idea what I was up to. I went to uni, got my first job moved counties several times. I guess the world has changed but I wonder why. Don’t get me wrong I knew my parents were there as a safety net and if I was in dire need I would have had no hesitation in asking them to help me. Seems a shame that all these young adults are missing out in that amazing sweet taste of independence

Work out what you need to know about who?

You sound very involved (especially in the adult who is travelling).

One of my learnings was if you don't ask, you can’t worry!

Harsh but true.

Based on asking my DS about his plans for the weekend, he was driving 300 mikes to a party and back. I worried the whole weekend, text to checkk he was ok, checked to see if he was sober enough to drive back, checked he arrived back safely…if I hadn’t asked, I wouldn't have known. He would still have made all of the safe choices he did make, without me!

That sounds a lot op.

I think the biggest difference these days is we’re all so contactable. In my early 20s you had to queue for a payphone and I bothered my mother with very little. Ignorance was no doubt bliss for her and for me the lack of contact fostered self reliance. One thing I’ve noticed with my own DC and this ease of contact is that they message me in a panic for which I offer calm advice or just listen. I’m then left worrying all week. When we next catch up I’m anxious about how they are and they’ve long since moved on from the issue (or didn’t even give it another thought)!!!

Your eldest is having a blast and there is safety in numbers. He has his degree and work experience to build from when he’s back. I’d really try not to worry too much about him. You probably gave him on Life360 and can see his whereabouts.

The other son needs to lick his wounds and learn a life lesson about not putting all his eggs in one basket. He now needs to join some clubs (universities have loads) and carve a new social life. It’s right to worry about young men’s mental health but it sounds like he’s talking and sharing, which is good. Encourage him to make contact with the universities support services. He has very good job prospects from studying 2 very hard degrees.

Your daughter’s arthritis sounds very challenging. Other than optimising her medical care I would be looking at fostering her interests and friendships. Often there are support groups for YA with disabilities and she might form friendships there.

Your other daughter is showing great resilience ploughing on with her course despite not enjoying university. I think she needs to unpick what she is struggling with. If it’s the whole package she can look at transferring elsewhere through clearing once the first year is finished. Or take a year out and work or travel. Lots move universities and settle fine at the next one.

I’d look at blocking a day or half day in your week to do something nice, by yourself or with your partner, to switch off and do something enjoyable, for your own pleasure. it’s very likely that your YA children will be fine, while you make yourself ill / age prematurely through worry.

Lots of this sounds fairly normal.

There’s no point worrying about the travelling son as you can’t change anything. Tell him just to tell you the good bits if it’s bothering you.

Heartbroken son will get over it- just keep supporting.

Daughter with arthritis- there’s no reason for someone with arthritis to be in bed all of the time. There are lots of medications out there now- if her disease isn’t controlled then she needs to go back to her team and ask for an appt- (you usually get a nurse helpline- leave a message).

Your husband doesn’t have cancer so you can now stop worrying about that.

You have 4 kids which is a lot. It isn’t your job to solve all their problems, just to support them through it.

Know what you mean with the worry. Guess it’s all relative but, despite the health problems, your DC sound v driven and successful. And v lucky you give them money.

Mine all at home. I’m on my own and rent going up hundreds a month each year. Can only afford basics, so can’t help mine out financially. In fact, need them to contribute to keep roof over our heads. Housing’s a bloody joke! Eldest dropped out of good degree in debt (despite working night shifts), then basic job with v long shifts for year to clear it, but not worked for ages. Had life-saving surgery as a teen (touch and go) and other traumatic stuff since, so IMHO needs time and space to process it all. Another living at home while at uni to avoid costs. Youngest had shocker with GSCEs so taking scenic route via BTECs.

I do worry. But we get on great. They’re healthy, bright, outgoing and sound, so I know they’ll sort themselves out eventually. I left home young and always worked, but my mates were on dole at that age, in bands, living in squats etc.

Try not to worry about your eldest. I travelled the world for a couple of years at his age. Best thing I ever did. Gives you a different perspective on your own life. And he’s really lucky you send him money. I had to be self-sufficient. Got to one city with only a few quid left and had to work 7 days a week to save to travel back home. He’ll manage. Don’t feel you have to give them money though.

@Rockomum I just want to say all of this is very normal. My DCs are older now- in their 30s.

We experienced a lot of what you did and without being harsh, it is 'normal' life.
All parents worry about their children for life!

Mine worried about me (and still do).

One DC did a lot of travelling- interrailing, several trips to India and the Far East. Yes, it was very worrying, knowing they were overseas with Delhi Belly and feeling terrible and fighting off the mosquitoes. But you have to let them fly the nest - so they learn and grow.

Another DC split with their long term partner - met at uni- and had to leave the house they shared. We had to step up with some temporary financial support just until they got enough of their own money saved for the next flat they rented.

The good thing is that your kids are able to talk to you about their experiences. That's far better than you not knowing how they are feeling.

I think that it's YOU that you need to worry about.
Maybe some counselling or even talking to a close friend can help you get some perspective. It's easy for other people to say but there comes a time when you have to step back and try to get some distance or you'll end up exhausted.

If your DCs are at uni, they can access student counselling and also talk to the welfare office for support. This is exactly what they are there for.

Yes when DD was at uni I was worried stiff, she was diagnosed with epilepsy and then picked a really difficult topic for her masters dissertation (quite a few stress meltdowns). Add in the usual uni problems (flat share disputes, breaks up and friendship dramas etc). Then she relocated cities for a grad job and the worry didn't stop.

She's 25 now and is in a long term relationship with a man who looks after her so well and she has a good job, she's so happy. The worry has def subsided.

Presumably , getting on a National Express coach to come home would be quicker for your youngest DD . Why does she fee it's unsafe ?

Yes - close bonds create much of this. Remaining connected by technology means we never get to switch off. Nor do I want to be especially. I like to know how they are. What matters to them. How they are feeling. But it is tiring.

Technology allows connectivity wherever you are in the world, but overall I am much, much closer to my children than I ever was with my parents. I am not sure my parents really even knew me, and certainly had no idea what my life experience was like… so different these days for switched on parents ( I say that as not every parent feels like this, some will off load their dc as soon as humanly possible and not look back)

It sounds hard but I think you're worrying about the wrong child tbh, DS1 sounds like he's having a great time and can look after himself, leave him to it (assume you're not finding this travelling because if you are stop).

DD2 sounds unhappy, could she transfer to a different uni closer to home either to start 2nd year on a similar course or start afresh on something new? Lots of people do change courses and it's not the end of the world. Better to change now than be miserable for another 2 years.

DS2 and DD2 sound like they need the most help. Does DS2 need to be still living where he is or could he finish the rest of his masters from home? Most of the time the last couple of months at least involve a lot of writing rather than practical work so he could do that anywhere. Are there mental health services he can access through his Uni? Has he talked to his masters supervisor?

DD2 it's understandable that she's feeling down, is she getting all the help she's entitled to for her disability to help her get out of the house more?

Yes. I understand. I have three in comparable levels of concern. I’m a single parent and they all live - or have come back to live - with me.

I hear you OP, 4DSs here ages 20 to 32, all still at home (in expensive south east), two on autistic spectrum, very stressed out DH with own business wondering if any of them are going to ever leave home, all four of our parents still alive (which is lovely) but 3 have dementia so brings additional stress. I’m a ball of anxiety with thyroid issues which doesn’t help. I’ve taught myself crochet in the last couple of weeks just to try and deal with my anxiety levels.

Don’t have any advice but just to say you are not alone🙂

@Hwi
Empathy for whom? I have tremendous empathy for people with real problems, like my neighbour's daughter - a young carer or other people in similarly distressing conditions.

Ok, so you don't think the OP should be worrying but why come on the thread and post so unpleasantly. What is the point? You don't even appear to be trying to be kind about it. It's like you want to make the OP feel bad.
I just don't understand why anyone would want to do that. I find it pathetic and nasty.

but on the bus you have the driver and you are in close proximity to other passengers on the whole, this is not aimed at you @BadSkiingMum but the op can convince her dd on the safety of bus travel

Exactly this. Sounds like most of the stress in DS1 life is his own doing, leave him to it. DS2 will just get over it. Sounds harsh and first love/breakups does feel like the end of the world but that's temporary.
dD1 and dD2 need your support, can your youngest sort her courses out, that would change her outlook?

I think we worry forever about our babies however old they get. Mine are 26,24,19 and 15 right now. The eldest I’m worried about as he seems to be a bit stagnant. He’s living with a family member who has depression which I don’t think helps him look outward to the future. He has a job but it isn’t anything that can offer progression where he currently is. My 24yo is doing ok right now except frustrated
she can’t afford a place of her own. I’m worried about the 19yo as she is fed up with her college course and with a lovely boyfriend but he seems to have little drive. They both seem a little lost right now. I won’t let her leave college until she has a plan what she would do if she leaves. The 15yo is about to start GCSE exams so she needs support with that right now.

The positive about adult children is that they also try to support you more too in a way they couldn’t as children.

In some ways our generation are a victim of our own success. We have lovely close relationships with our children but as a result we know more and are more invested.

When I and my friends were that stage we didn’t tell our parents much. The concept of the young person protecting the parents from stuff that might worry about them seems to have gone. My parents didn’t know the half of my concerns in my twenties.

Also technology. I was on my own on a work trip and got caught up in a semi dangerous situation in a foreign country was 25. Kept ringing my parents and leaving messages to keep them updated. They were on holiday and got back to my messages about a week later they hadn’t even known I was there! That would never happen now.

Oh OP I couldn't agree with you more. It's like when the noro ripped through the siblings sequentially when they were toddlers/little ones. Just one after another, then they'd be ok for a week and somebody would get a cold and it would all start again BUT a million times more worrying and tiring.

I don't get the old - they are over 18 so you should be carefree mentality. Our hardest times with the most amount of worrying have been after our children turned 18 respectively. They were a breeze through school.

You want to help but not enable, love but not indulge expectation, be a safe harbour but not a doss house. This for each child in cycles is not easy.

I have no advice just sympathy. 🌺

Being there is often not enough. The kind of problems adult children have can be life changing/ life ending even, and there is nothing you can do.

Watching a wobbly newly adult teen navigate the world can be nerve shredding. You add chronic illness, heartbreak, safety issues and a whole host of problems that drip in on sometimes a daily basis it can be a hell of a lot to hold day in and day out.

I don’t have anxiety, and have never suffered or been a worrier of any sort, but when my 18 year old is missing for hours on end at 3am in her university city, 600 miles away, it’s hard to be relaxed trust me!

Or when the other one has a rash and has all of the symptoms of meningitis but won’t see the dr because she can’t work out who she registered with. 800 miles away.
Or the fact they were in a car with someone without a licence etc etc, It’s bloody relentless. And eventually you get tired of being tired. It’s a uniquely helpless feeling.
And I am aware these are the best case scenarios - many parents have to deal with suicidal children, drug taking, criminal activity and worse.

Your MIL can be managed with boundaries, and she needs professional help but be kind, there will be reasons why she is the way she is.

Meanwhile, enjoy your baby and knowing she is safely in her cot each night. That’s all I am saying!!

The OP said in her first post that her daughter didn’t always feel safe on them. Perhaps we should believe her?

Perhaps she has had a bad experience of some creepy man planting himself next to her and having to put up with him for the entire journey? I had that happen on a train at a similar age when I was sitting in a window seat and a man sat down in the aisle seat. He became increasingly hostile when I wouldn’t play along and eventually I had to push past him (luckily the seat-pitch was wide) and ran through the carriages to get the conductor.

@Rockomum the university is the first port of call but have you looked at your local Relate for counselling? Some have funding to provide counselling to young people. There is also benevolent funding for people in certain trades or professions and their families.