To find parenting adults so stressful

This made me laugh @Pinkpillow7

I couldn't agree less.

OP's DCs certainly won't be entitled brats that don't know how to fend for themselves and go running to mummy and daddy every 5 minutes for a handout.

Perhaps you overlooked the part where it states OP helps them financially with rent and part of their food shop.

You can't say fairer than that can you. Perhaps you can 😂

I would love to kmow which posters have grown up children. But I can probably tell. Trust me, you will worry. The world is very hard for young adults right now

DD 2 can easily transfer to another uni.
DS 2: Economics has great job prospects. No point worrying about AI.
None of us knows what will happen woth that.
DS 1: Will be fine. You only read bad stuff that happens when travelling because it's so rare.

Focus entirely on DD 1 and her condition. Forget about the others.

Just seen your DD2 is doing dentistry.
If it's any consolation in the first year it's very theory- based and far-removed from the rest of the course and the job. She should start practical/ clinical sessions next academic year which she'll hopefully enjoy more. (Unless she's decided it's totally not for her in which case she should leave/ transfer).

You have my sympathies regarding the others. Especially your other daughter who must feel so limited.

I think that young adulthood is hard for everyone, because there is that gradual shifting away from 'parenting' and into a type of mentorship.

Someone mentioned control, and OP, I think you were too quick to dismiss it because you are assuming control is a bad thing. But lots of parenting is about control - not only of our children but of the situations they find themselves in.

Part of worrying is a 'trying to control the uncontrollable' by endless 'thinking'. Whereas recognising you cannot control things allows you to let go. If you cannot control it, there's no point worrying about it. Remind yourself that you raised resourceful children and trust their ability to lead their own lives - even if that's hard to do.

It's also a two-way thing - part of becoming an adult is learning that your parents cannot control what happens to you as they did when you were a child. Life as an adult can be hard, and the road is bumpy - but as your children navigate that they are learning mastery too.

Of course we always want the best for our children. but sometimes that best is a loosening of the reins rather than trying to hold onto them tightly when the horse has already slipped them. For our own sanity.

You've raised wonderful yong adults, each in their own way, and they have loving parents to fall back on. Trust in them.

There are different views on that. Maybe class-related.

I’m middle aged and have never had one bit of financial support from family. Not even 50 quid. I never expected it and they never offered. If they had offered, I’d never have taken it. I’ve always paid my own way.

Why would parents expect to financially support an adult child? Adults are adults and should be financially self-sufficient. Sure, if an adult family member’s struggling and you can spare the money to help them, that’s lovely. But shouldn’t be the expectation.

OP, I am really beginning to understand this now that I have a son at uni, struggling with living independently (he has ASD). Some worry is normal, because you love them.

BUT I also have a mother in her late seventies whose entire second half of her life has been ruined by anxiety, centred on her DC and GDC. She is a wreck and borderline alcoholic. I have felt so responsible and burdened by this throughout my adult life. I never tell her any worries I have, because I know she won't sleep. She also can't support me with them - she just catastrophises and makes me worry more. When I share something happy she worries about what might go wrong. It has blighted our whole relationship, not to mention ruined the part of her life where she could have focused on herself and found hobbies and passions of her own.

You owe it to your DC (and to yourself!) to work on letting go, especially of the ones who are living away. Excessive worry is not going to achieve a thing, except negative things, because you no longer have control like you did when they were children.

THIS - absolutely - my parents lived, hundreds of miles away, in blissful ignorance of anything I got up to. When I travelled alone around the US at 19 they got the odd postcard, back in the 70's most of them seemed to arrive after I got home...... I got into a few very dodgy situations and they were none the wiser. In my naiveté I assumed that once I got mine to 18 it would be similar... but the world has changed. The internet and global telecommunications has meant the rise of "always on" parenting. Of course they ring us for help, we can actually do something, book a flight, transfer some money etc. In my 20's that just didn't happen. My parents didn't even have a phone.

More so for my boys as they have chosen careers which seem like they will require living in cities.

What the heck is wrong with living in cities? It is the norm for many people especially when beginning their careers and fully independent adult lives.

DD2 is only a couple of months in. Is she engaging with the dental school societies etc? The bond really builds as they go through clinical courses but she needs to put herself out there.

Men are creepy on nights out, but that’s a fact of life unfortunately. She will sadly get used to ignoring them, but it’s a shock to the system at 18. FYI this is NOT me condoning it but trying to be realistic for her sake.

On the bus, she might not love it, but there will be buses that are safer - has she tried getting one that leaves between 9 and 12?

I’ve read the whole thread and I don’t necessarily mean control in a harsh way, I mean it in a modern parenting way. We are all so obsessed with making our children happy - smoothing their paths etc - that we forget that life has ups and downs and that they are utterly normal for them. We control so much of our DC lives that when we can’t we worry, worry and then worry some more.

A lot of that worry is down to the fact that we can’t control the experience for our DC, not because it’s particularly worrisome.

I think it’s no harm to point out to the OP that , apart from DD1, this is all a normal part of growing up. Stressful , yes but she’s 3 kids that got to Uni and are starting to live independently. Surely that is something to be positive about rather than consumed with worry about.?

I worry lots about my DC, it’s normal but these are mostly not big worries (apart from DD1) and that needs to be recognised by the OP to manage this stage of life

YANBU its so hard now to be a parent in general, life might be easier and more luxurious (for some) in many ways but expectations from parents are so high. In the past when a child was 18 they would be mostly working and soon after out of the house and married. Now they need support well into adulthood with uni, money, mental health, relationships, housing. They often end up back at home which I don't think is ideal for anyone as people tend to slip into the old patterns and I really think it holds development back and stops parents from moving on past constant parenting. I mean these days parents of young children are advised to save for their kids education, house deposit and believe it or not their child's retirement! I could barely afford to save for these things for myself! Your child will have friends whose parents who can and do pay for these things for them and when you are unable to do so for them it will be a massive injustice in their eyes.

Then even when finally do move out permanently and get settled they it won't be long before you are expected to give up your time and space to provide often times quite substantial amounts of childcare and if you don't or can't do all they ask because you are still working to put a roof over your own head that will also be a reason to tell you what a failure of a parent you are.

I have a neighbour who's son is in his 40's and is still often returning to live at home because while he works and has a family he also has addiction issues and while he is using his wife won't have him in the home with the kids which is fair enough but its a huge burden on his mum and her relationship with her partner who has actually now moved out due to the son constantly boomeranging back home. Its very difficult for her at a time she just wants peace but then she feels her son needs her.

Obviously some parents will be lucky but often times it remains incredibly difficult well into adulthood. I think if many knew how difficult it can be and how long the responsibility and work continues I am not sure so many people would be rushing to have kids, already they aren't.

OP you have plenty to care about by broken hearts and courses that aren’t right are as ordinary as scabbed knees and untidy rooms once were. There is more to come - houses that fall through, children, divorces - you need to work on your responses to make help possible but worry less. Your dd’s issues are more serious but this feels more controlled - maybe your role is more clear. As for your eldest - has qualifications I a lucrative sector, the wit to enjoy life, communication skills to make friends and is having a great time. It’s working for him so far so his risk assessment skills aren’t too bad. Missed planes and beach sleeps are not problems for him so don’t need to be for you.

That.

The most difficult thing I find about parenting adults is the powerlessness. When your kids are younger you have some control and can 'do something' when things go wrong. That's removed when they're grown and gone.

OP is able to support and monitor the DD who is at home, and advocate for her. That makes a huge difference to the type of concern and the way she feels it.

This is it! It’s all normal stuff for most of the kids. Need to let that stuff go and focus on the important stuff / things that can be changed.

I think the responses to this thread are interesting in themselves. I would find the DD1 and her chronic condition a massive worry but the others I would worry about but not so that it consumed me. It’s all normal. However, some posters seem to view the normal heartbreak, not settling, travelling as something very challenging to overcome.

It really is a reflection of life - we need to be careful we don’t make the everyday these huge obstacles to overcome.

Our parents would have worried but I think that generation had a confidence in themselves and their children that it would all work out in the end - and it usually did !!

A bit harsh. I would suggest you read the whole thread.

OP cares and worries just as much about her DD1 as she does for all of her other DCs, but her DD1 is at home, so she is very much there for her to help her and advocate for her.

There’s a huge difference when you’ve got DC’s really struggling who are hundreds if not thousands of miles away.

One thing that helps me sometimes when it all gets too much (maybe my profession helps me with this) of the spectrum of issues my dc could be facing - this is the very soft end (dd1 excluded) they are facing mostly normal trials and tribulations, and in the scheme of things it could be much much worse (excluding dd1 ofc) They are learning to be adults and it’s bumpy!

You shouldn’t have had four children if you can’t afford to support them financially when they most need it. Unless there’s been a significant change in your circumstances of course. That’s a hill I’m willing to die on

If your mum had said he wasn’t right you would not have listened.

The point is that there is very little you can actually do as a parent. It’s all very well saying the young adult is immature making bad relationship choices etc and you are probably right but you are powerless. You can’t barge into her room clip him round the ear and say she’s not allowed to go out with him anymore or you’ll take away her phone. I think that’s why as parents we actually have to be able to disassociate to some extent or we will drive ourselves mad.

I would agree with some posting about worry less - hard to do but its about detaching yourself - sounds like you could do with a bit of therapy too.

Online therapists are quite popular - services offering qualified peeps - I know some who have benefited but need to DYOR in terms of finding right one with quals etc.

24yr old - yes life learning stuff, keep in touch , try and have a small rescue fund
DD with arthritis what are the NHS doing to enrich her life, does she get any benefits to help with extra costs, what are Uni doing - is that the right place for her - would online stuff help with keeping her up to date? Broken up Son - he needs some help with perspective - therapy again but try online - most of it for this sort of thing is talking therapy anyway.
London Uni - mine is there and its hard. Is it the right place for her - should she look to transfer? Heart to heart needed with her at the least maybe change the pt job

I hear you OP, although I’m coming up a few years behind you. It sounds like you’ve done a great job with your kids and they are all doing well in their own way. Your ds1 is less risk adverse as you’d like but he’s with friends, self supporting and having a brilliant time. He will be learning stuff in his adventure that will make him more resilient, more skilled, more open minded and more fun than he could have learned spending this year at his finance job. He’s a clever boy with a good degree and he will be fine. Your ds2 - of course he’s devastated about his gf, he’d be made of stone if he wasn’t but he needs to be allowed to grow through it. Very few people end up forever with the person they were with at 15 and he’s had a good run. He’s never had a breakup before and his first is a bad one so he needs to take his time. He is sporty and has hobbies so this will give him a social life outside of his ex. He’s at uni in a uni town so he should be able to access new experiences and a new social life easier than a working adult. Universities have a lot of resources to give young people and he needs too explore that - my ds got cbt through uni quicker than on the nhs. Dd1 is your biggest worry. You can’t do anything to magic her out of her arthritis and you are right, moving from child to adult services is hard. She needs to build her life around the body she has and all you can do is support her in that. ds2 sounds miserable but she has options. Does she actually want to be a dentist? Sometimes with these difficult to get onto courses, kids decide rather naively in about y9 that that is what they will do and then it’s a colossal effort and everyone knows they what they are aiming for and then when they eventually get what they wanted it turns out they didn’t want it at all. And why London? Did she have an idea that she wanted to live in London and really push for it because, honestly, she could have gone to Newcastle and lived off her loan without needing to work a horrible part time job where people are rude to her. If she wants to be a dentist and wants to stay in London then she needs to broaden her social sphere and get a different job. These are solvable problems. If she wants to be a dentist out of London then she needs to look at transferring/reapplying. If she doesn’t want to be a dentist, then frankly, with the grades and effort she’s made to get on her current course, the world is her oyster. It’s unsettling - you want to turn to the last page and find out what happens at the end, but you just have to wait.
Your dc are all, separately, negotiating their own lives, the way they learned to cruise along the furniture because yiu didn’t carry them everywhere, and they learned to negotiate the social order of their reception class and learned all sorts of other things that have got them to this point. They are still learning and mum picking them up and carrying them is not what they need.
As as aside I know what she means about the bus - I use them a lot and they are full of slouchy ass youths. I use Flix, which has a driver plus a, for want of a better word, bouncer, but idk if NE have that. Anyway I book a seat up near the front near the driver and bouncer. Not lovely, but it gets me about.

Just because they’re 19 doesn’t mean we just leave them be, it is the state that says their are legally adult but as we know all kids mature at different ages and some still need a high level of support. I also think your point about worrying about boyfriends and how partners are treating your children is completely valid at 19 we are not as emotionally mature and I myself got into a relationship that I thought was amazing even though a large percentage of the time i was crying and being controlled regarding where i was going (the library) who with etc etc. I had no one to say this isn’t right and relationships don’t have to be that way. Society (music videos, movies, upbringing taught me that you stick with your partner no matter what. 18-25 is when they need a lot of support and guidance.

But none for a bed bound DD with a chronic illness or her parents? Weird!

Part of the growing up process is to learn how to take the knocks that life throws at you. If you as a parent react like its the end of the world then your dc will think that way too. Life can suck . But it goes on and we learn by our mistakes and become more resilient. I don't want to seem harsh on you but your kids need to learn to cope on their own. Mummy can't solve all the world's problems. Self help and self resilience are key tools to develop. Detach yourself little by little. They will be okay.