If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

Well this sounds annoying OP, but I presume you're (literally) banking on your combined incomes giving you and your child a standard of living that many people will never have any chance of achieving.

The fact that it seems so exceptional to you is really quite sad. I mean that genuinely.

It's more than he gets. Sorry OP but yabu. These are tough years but you'll get through them

I think YABU. He’s giving you a day to yourself each weekend. He literally has peoples lives in his hand for a living, that is a huge mental load. I wouldn’t expect a surgeon to be home nice and early regularly. Having just spent 2 weeks in hospital with a surgery cancelled twice they are under huge pressure.

I don't really see what his job has to do with it TBH. There are plenty of high-powered careers out there that a) are full-on and stressful, b) eat into your day (though a lot of consultants will work pretty strict 'office hours'!), c) carry a sense of entitlement (if that was what you were getting at!)

He works FT. You work FT. You are also picking up ALL the childcare, child admin, appointments etc, which is clearly not on (working from home is fatal in this regard). So - something has to give. I would say, you need a nanny or au pair. If you're both working FT and at least one of you is on a decent salary (I assume) then this shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

Your DH is being an inconsiderate arse and an au pair isn't going to help him pick up the slack, but why should this all fall to you?

I can't get past one parent thinking it is reasonable to absolve all parenting responsibilities 85% of the week and thinking that it's all made better by spending a few hours with his child at the weekend. It's like he's a separated dad without the cost or inconvenience of running his own home.

This is all about context.

I'm a lone parent, work long hours a week in a heavy career, I get no time off at the weekends and DD now 15 has had to part time board at private school since the live in nanny went in year7.

If you aren't happy with the set up do something about it OP. Assuming you work, outsource more!

BTW not saying your DH is right just many of us work under constraints and sometimes you need to throw money at the issue if you can.

OP - I think you are being given a hard time in some aspects and not in others.

No one, surgeons included spend all ay 0600 - 2100 in the hospital all day everyday. I frequently have watched my male colleagues swap into on calls as they could get some sleep (!) and sit at work watching Netflix etc rather than go home early or on time. Ps everyone has a half day for admin rostered nowadays!
i also have seen colleagues junior and senior ,who absolutely take their DCS to school once per week, pick up once per week minimum, take paternity leave, take shared parental leave and ensure boundaries in their working life.
I am reading here behaviours of people from in the main a bygone era - yes there are some arrogant arseholes around but there is also an extremely high amount of neurodiversity in the surgical/anaesthetic population. there takes a certain amount of single minded focus to stand and focus down a microscope for 12 hrs trying to cut out a cancer and not damage the person too much. Small deviations from the pathway to a successful operation can cause major distress - if you start thinking of surgeons as humans and understand neurodiverse behaviours some would find ways to interact much easier - there will always be some arseholes aswell.

OP - you need to sit down and discuss roles and expectations. If he is still a registrar then the roles will need to be fluid if he changes to the next part of the rotation. He is not just a weekend Dad but committing to getting home on clinic days by x time to do bath time/ tea etc are not impossible but need a mindset re think.

And before anyone is rude to me - I am a surgeon and became a single parent

OP do you use the six hours to blitz the house, do a tonne a laundry etc or are you off off, or a combination?

He has become a parent - your job doesn’t give you an opt out of parenting. If he can’t jointly parent his DD, he shouldn’t have become a parent. (DH is a doctor - and yes he jointly parented - he put DC’s before any downtime for himself).

6 hours a week to yourself is absolute luxury. We have 3 kids, oldest nearly 10. And I honestly can't remember the last time I had more than an hour or 2 to myself, and that's with a toddler still in the house, but sleeping, so I'm still "on-call". But my husband is utterly wonderful and everything is 50:50 (we're both high earners in high pressure jobs, so roles are "even"). Weekend is family time so we don't get time away from kids, hence why I'm saying your 6 hours is luxury.
BUT it's not on that you're doing everything. When does your DH get home in evenings? The rules should be that when people are home, it's 50:50, and that every effort is made to leave work on time. Of course he can do it, he's choosing not to. What would he do if you suddenly became very ill or died, he'd have to change his priorities. So he can start now.

It’s not a race to the bottom, though? A lot of people are struggling with anxiety and depression, unhealthy because they never get time to exercise and a lot of marriages are falling apart. The fact that she gets more of a break than someone who has an even shitter time doesn’t mean it’s an ideal situation?

My dh is not a surgeon but was barely around to help when my dc were young. I would have loved a whole day off at the weekend!
I imagine he earns a good wage & I wonder if you need to work full time? Can you get a nanny & cleaner?

I can't get past the 10-4 off on a Sunday with one kid 😯

what happens on the second weekend day?

My DH and I are in same job but their job has always taken president and this has caused some resentment but it’s because I took step back career wise during the baby years and I was the one to take all the days off for sickness and i did appointments and all school admin costumes dress up days etc
DH still kept his housework hours up

your DH will be earning a shit load of money plus the kudos of having a surgeon DH I personally could play dutiful surgeon wife a bit but totally understand you want to be acknowledged and respected

surgeon have a bad rep for the god complex and he needs to keep that in check

I would get a fab cleaner so you are just left with admin

Husband is not a surgeon but is a high earner. His job cannot be worked part time. I was a high earner prior to children. When it was time for me to go back to work we looked over our options - my work denied flexible working request and his would not be able to be worked part time

• I go back to work full time. We contribute equally to fund the extra help we would need, cleaner, nanny ect
• I become a sahm - finances are reduced and we make cuts accordingly. As a sahm I am responsible for the majority of house and admin and child care in the week.

Working full time with a child just in nursery was NOT an option. I knew it would be me working all day and then doing the majority of the childcare and hose work so the option was off the table. Either my husband and i committed a good portion of our salaries to putting the right help structure around us or it was a no go.

we actually chose option 2 and whilst i don’t regret my decision I do acknowledge it was hard to give up my old life. It is such a tough decision. I actually now work part time in a job that is flexible around school pick up and allows for some time off.

I think you need to go back to your husband and go over your options again. I am assuming that surgeons make a good salary so if you want to continue to work full time - look into after school help, au pair, house keeper. If his job means he can’t physically be there to help, he needs to commit some of his salary to support you.

I would tend to agree with this. I would want my surgeon to be laser focused on their role and not have to use bandwidth for other things. Particularly if they were operating on someone I loved. I know that's not a PC response. And it makes life difficult. But this should have been discussed pre kids. And understood. And then help hired if you're both earning good wages or work less so you have better balance.

I can’t get past the 10-4pm a day at weekends, I don’t know anyone - except separated parents that do that. On a weekend we all do activities, dc dies a club or two. I sometimes get hair done or meet friends, or do long dog walk leaving DH with DC, DH does stuff like sports. We do stuff as family too.

Gasgirl25, I agree with you. I was nursing,trained 1972. Even the drs in the hospitals were awful. One surgeon (brilliant surgeon) threw instruments across the theatre, complete arsehole as a human being. By the 1990s they had become much more pleasant. If the patients were awake, they would be VERY surprised at some of the conversations and jokes.

Mine was in ophthalmology . He has now retired completely. Be careful what you wish for. 24/ 7 is overrated.

There are plenty of women pursuing glittering careers with their dh in a supporting role. It is different for every family.

Carving out a life with a surgeon is obviously going to impact some areas at home, because he is literally saving lives - not everyone carries that responsibility by any measure.

Having some respect for the enormous pressure and responsibility of this type of profession is not ‘facilitating’ - it’s being realistic.

Having a six hour block of time is rare. Yes. Having dinner, going for a swlm etc is usually much shorter bursts of time away. A whole block of time of almost a day every week is really beneficial and yes rare.

@Likao admin can still happen at the weekend. Shops are open. During your 6hrs to yourself, let DH pack the bags himself, let him take kiddo to get feet measured at the shops, let him take them to swimming lessons or to collect the food shop or prescription or whatever errands/chores need doing.

Get a cleaner.
Get Hello Fresh, the quick meals.

And then the other day at the weekend, make sure DH gets his 6hrs to himself too.

If your DH is a Surgeon you must have a good income, can you not afford to get a cleaner so the bulk of the household jobs are taken care of, leaving you just DC to deal with after work.

Can you not get a babysitter so you can go out for the evening? Any friends or relatives near by? If not ask the nursery staff, some of them will babysit at evenings and weekends to top up their earnings.

I have two DC and I enjoy doing their admin. I love shopping for their clothes and shoes etc. I don't find it a chore. I guess you do so have you written a list and told him which tasks you would like him to deal with?