If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

Just depends which side of the fence you’re standing. Some silly girls do get over involved. The older or more self respecting don’t do that but some definitely do and seem to enjoy that you’re made to feel small. Incorrigible flirts at times… ridiculous.

Oh yea, we do manage to carve out little opportunities....thankfully. I will have a glass of wine while I cook dinner and watch a little bit of something on tv at the same time. 😂I also manage to take a short relaxing bath almost daily lol....although someone (including the dog) usually always enters the bathroom during that time. I also need a little alone time, so I tend to retreat to my room early in the evenings after I put the youngest to bed and get a good hour to myself (mostly). The older two are more independent now, so can read on their own, play a game, ipad etc in the evening.

On our first day of induction as F1 doctors in Belfast we were all sat down by management with the forms to "opt out" of the European working time directive. There was no plan for what would happen to the rota etc if we didn't want to do that. As far as I know we all did as we were told.

But yes I appreciate Northern Ireland is a different contract to rest of the UK and I'm not up to date with current medicine contracts other than what I see on my husband's anaesthetic reg rota (we are currently in England). Over the 28 days of February 2025 he is working an average of 48.75 hours a week

If OP comes back maybe she can share roughly where in the UK they are

Sorry, but most do not average 70 hours/week, and have not done for decades (I'm a doctor). The EWTD is very clear that the average must be 48hrs/week - and most rota co-ordinators will try to get as close as possible to that, with a maximum of 72 hours in any 7 day period.

I'm completely sympathetic to doctors in training, but you need to be accurate about what you are saying.

BMA link about working hours

The problem in our marriage is he finds it difficult to be flexible to mine and my child's needs and he finds it difficult to empathise. Like I said before, fantastic doctor , not so fantastic husband/dad.

This is exactly the problem we have too! I feel he has the belief that he cannot be (very) ND because of the immense success in his work and financial life. So any accusations of ND being the root cause of our issues lands on dead ears and is deflected as clearly not being correct. He grew up in the time when ASD was typically only for extremely disruptive kids who grow into unemployable adults. So the proof that he is so successful means he cannot be ND and the fault lies in everyone else. He conveniently ignores the fact that his brother had/has every single symptom of ASD and also struggled massively as an adult in completing his studies and holding down jobs. They are textbook examples of high functioning and low functioning ASD.

He won't give 50% of his income upon divorce.

Yes to the ASD comments @User757373 . Surgery and anaesthetics have higher rates of neurodiversity and it can be a real asset to the job. My husband can hyperfocus for long periods of time , is emotionally detached even with traumatic child cases - allowing him to focus on what's happening etc ... the problem in our marriage is he finds it difficult to be flexible to mine and my child's needs and he finds it difficult to empathise. Like I said before, fantastic doctor , not so fantastic husband/dad.

My husband's mum is a top solicitor , incredibly hard working and incredibly well regarded in her field. But was very absent from his childhood and family life. I guess it's rare to truly have it all - either family or work are going to have to come second at some point.

I think you're bang on with your theory @User757373 - my dad (also a high functioning autistic doctor) has the same belief. He's not a surgeon but you do need a certain level of detachment I think if you want to do a job like that.

@Laughinglama exactly! My husband is doing 65 hours this week, for example. In Northern Ireland the contract is different and you can be expected to work even longer hours. at Belfast City Hospital I would work 12 days in a row without a day off, 5 of those 7 days were 13 hour shifts, the rest were 8-10 hours each. And that's if you had no emergencies last minute and were able to go home on time. I wouldn't have wanted to be the patient being seen on day 12 as by that point you're exhausted and run down.

Comments about surgery attracting a bit of an arrogant pushy Alpha type of personality - well, maybe, but would you want a nervous timid type holding the scalpel if you were the patient?

I'm genuinely curious how many surgeons are not really "alpha males" but extremely high functioning, high intelligence and high masking autistic men. I can say without a doubt that DH's special interest is his field of medicine and he can hyperfocus on his work for hours or days beyond when a NT person might need a break. Due to their higher social status, they are welcomed by NT peers so it makes it very easy to mask as an arrogant type A man without dealing with the usual social burden of being ND.

It would also explain the rigidity and difficulty in their private lives. Being successful, wealthy or attractive (or all three) easily absolves a man of many responsibilities that are usually seen as necessary for adult life. If a ND man played video games all day long and didn't take care of his kids then he would get slated on MN. However when a surgeon engages in his special interest for 12hrs a day at work he's given a free pass even though both men have the same executive function deficits when it comes to contributing to domestic tasks.

And lastly, being a surgeon involves a degree of emotional detachment. You need to see each patient as blood, bones, tissue and "puzzle parts" of fixable materials. The moment you realise the gravity of potentially messing up a surgery on someone's mother, wife, child etc is when the nerves or panic creep in and could cause problems. At the risk of playing up clichees, I do believe ASD men have an advantage in being able to treat each surgical case with the amount of calmness and emotional detachment it requires.

Is that some sort of joke - about the standard NHS 37.5 hours a week.

Read up on junior Dr or now ‘residents’ contracts - it’s literally been all over the news with regards to their fight for pay. 37.5 hours would be the dream for them. Most average about 70

You need to source extra childcare to balance things out.
He can't be in two places and you need support.
Let him pay for dxtra help.
Is there a reason you are not married?

All these people saying “he’s a surgeon you know what you were signing up for” and thinking that surgeons are operating all day every day. I cannot stop laughing, and I wish I had the PR that surgeons do.

OP, your husband had a child with you so he knew what he was signing up for! But he’s opted out of all of it. Does it bother him? Have you spoken about it?

We are so willing to accept men in certain jobs (but never women in those same jobs) to just totally check out of family life. You work full time and may well earn more than him, but obviously don’t think it would be fair to fob off all the domestic stuff to him.

Agree that he is a weekend dad but without the cost and inconvenience of running his own home.

It is unclear whether this arrangement bothers him, if it’s temporary and whether he is suffering from feeling disconnected from his family.

How are you feeling today? I hope you can talk about it when you’re well rested and the resentment won’t just come spilling out. It’s tough for both of you right now.

Yes, it’s not a job, it’s a vocation, and if a partner cannot accept that they should bail out of the relationship before thinking about committing to marriage and children.

My DH wasn’t a surgeon, but it wasn’t an 9-5 job, and it wasn’t unusual for him to work 70 - 90 hrs per week. I worked part time and took care of school runs and everything else required to run a home and look after two children, and I was genuinely happy. I felt grateful my husband worked hard to provide for us and I didn’t even think of complaining, our relationship was and still is happy and solid. We are both retired now and enjoying the benefits of our hard work.
Parents also need to think about what they project onto their children, they learn from us, we have a duty to ensure they grow up feeling wanted, balanced and loved, not feeling like they are a nuisance and in the way. They are children for such a short time, and little ones miss nothing and pick up on parents emotions, their ‘perception’ of what is right or wrong within a relationship is learned from their parents.
Ours grew up with good organisational skills, a strong work ethic, and a lot of love, as a result they are happy and self sufficient in high end professional roles, we have a great adult relationship with them. I don’t regret a single ‘perceived’ sacrifice I possibly made during their childhood.

Oh, and my DH is not a dickhead with a god complex-whilst there are those around, there are fewer of them now.

The Scandinavian system has much to recommend it. However, be mindful of the rates of tax.

Married to a surgeon, who has extra commitments as service lead/student education/research etc. I will freely admit he does little at home, but he works hard, often 6 days a week. He leaves the house at 7 and most days does not get back before 7/7.30. He did fewer hours when the children were younger but still had on call to deal with etc, plus it was early into his time as a consultant and I think those sudden higher expectations and the buck stopping with them, made him really take ownership of patient care. He doesn’t do much at home, but when he is home, then he is engaged with the children and doesn’t take that time for granted.

That being said, I didn’t get a day off every weekend as you do as we considered that family time-does your DH get a day off every weekend for 6 hours to do anything he wants?

YABU - your DH clearly makes a real effort to redress the balance at the weekends and his job really is one where people might die if he’s preoccupied with DD’s pack up 🙄 Put it another way- if she had surgery would you want the surgeon to be rushing her op to get back for the school run?

I’d hate to have to take my kid out for 6 hours every weekend because my partner doesn’t want them around.

I'm sorry this is happening in your marriage.
There was a post from a female surgeon with kids upthread similarly saying that whilst it is an incredibly demanding job, she still shares the drop offs etc. but leaves whilst her male colleagues are chatting etc.
I do think as a society we put men (and only men) in certain jobs on pedestals that excuse them from normal responsibilities.

It's more than most people get! Yes, YABU!

Absolutely not- we both worked full time when kids were small- to expect me to just be able to clear off for the day on Saturday for ‘me time’ is ridiculous

It sounds like you both have full time earnings so why aren't you getting a cleaner or nanny?

‘Nurses all around’… many nurses have a very unfavourable opinion of consultants/surgeons. Are you implying that the OP’s DH is going to be lured away by a tempting nurse? That’s quite offensive, really.

Errr no, they're not 🙄