If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

look at it this way, this is all for his career. What happens to your finances when you divorce? Will he happily give you 50% of his income and do 50% of childcare? If so why isn’t he doing it now?

When he’s home, he should be doing 50/50. Actually I think having a whole day childfree every weekend is more than most parents have, so you are quite fortunate in that sense. How does your childfree time outside of work each week compare?

Realistically though, he has a different job than you by the sounds of it. People wait months for a hospital appointment for clinics that are really difficult to rearrange. I was terrified that my surgeon would have some sort of emergency and need to reschedule my surgery a couple months ago. It might have meant the difference between treatable cancer and my kids not having a mum around to see them grow up.

I think the inflexibility is a bit what you sign up for in your family set up. I would say it’s not dissimilar to Dh and I. I have the more prestigious career (PhD level academic), but I have much more flexibility. I get annual leave, I get parental leave, I can wfh, I can work the hours that suit me a lot of days. Dh is self-employed. If he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid, no annual leave, no paid paternity leave. During COVID, for example, I had to reduce my hours and work while homeschooling and keeping a toddler alive. Because in order to keep the business afloat, he had to be working and he didn’t have the flexibility to do it remotely. It’s what we signed up for because the nature of our careers is just different. When he’s home though, Dh is totally hands on and 50/50 and not sitting on his bum or off golfing half the weekend. I think that’s the bit that’s key.

So he's at work a lot, which is when you're at home and parenting. You get 10-4 work free/child free one day so 6 hours every week. Does he get that?

I’m 42, busy fulll time job and married to a surgeon and have a 10 year old

2024 marked the first full year we have lived under the same roof since our child was born. He has always followed the training, when he needed to do a PHD I had to work full time to pay the household expenses, as well as look after my child as his supervisor expected him to do early starts and long days.

It’s part the parcel of being married to a surgeon. My husband became a consultant this year… apparently in a few years he will have more free time (according to him) but in the mean time he has to do what his department lead tells him to which is usually working long hours whilst they do of to do private work.

Sounds like bollocks to me. He should be able to reduce his hours and contribute more to child-rearing. My surgeon friends are all either part-time or don't work standard Mon-Fri so have some weekdays off. Is he quite early on in his career?

I’m getting divorced but I was married to one, and YANBU. Clearly their job is demanding but the total obsession with it, to the extent that any request for any help/attention to our child is a mere inconvenience to it, isn’t acceptable.

Does he only do his clinical commitments or does he do extras like conferences, research etc?

his job is a big commitment, but he also has commitments to his family and it sounds like he thinks they’re optional because of his job.