If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

Didn't consider the possibility that female surgeons might want to comment?

OP only wanted to hear from people married to a surgeon sorry.

Pretty much everyone I know is a hospital-based doctor. Can’t think of many who get six hours downtime a week. So you’re doing better than most of us. Is he actually getting the same?

However I’m fascinated by those who think if you’re married to a doctor you’ll be a ‘solo parent’ bc of course they mean a male doctor…..this is not how it goes in female doctor’s homes.

It also interests me how many women tell me they want to marry a doctor (far more than tell me they want to BE one…..). The salary (and that depends on your speciality and your level) and status come at a high price.

I think doctor is generally can be difficult to be married to as their job in full on. My friend mum was a surgeon and her anesthesiologist. She shared that as a small child - she shared that her dad would take her to hospital to see her mum because was so busy.

I’m married to a surgeon but I’m also a gastroenterologist. We have a one year old. I work 60% and DP works 60% as a surgeon and the rest of the days of work are from home mostly at an academic post (but one that requires frequent travel). Our days of work are opposite so we have set days for who’s ‘on’ for all things nursery. It works well. We also have a tight support network who we’ve worked hard to solidify around us locally.

In some elements your husband is taking the piss. I’ve seen this before, I have a colleague (who’s wife is also a medical doctor!) stay at work late deliberately every day (doing f all) and timing it so he gets home just as bedtime is done or in time to do a quick story - all to avoid the hard work. Your husband should have a a sense of urgency on this. He should also be checking in frequently. It’s not about being needy, it’s about being seen and having a supportive partner. Sometimes you just want to vent to someone who knows you adore your child but who also knows that they can be bloody hard work! The frequency of this will depend on what type or surgeon your husband is as the length of surgeries he’s doing will vary. If he’s doing cataract surgeries then 15 mins top, he’ll be scrubbing out regularly and able to text between patients. However if he’s spending hours elbows deep in abdomen then he can’t. But he should still check in when he can.

In terms of his work coming first, it’s tricky. It’s not fair no, but sometimes it is reality. Again it depends on what your work is, but generally if there’s someone open on the table and you know there’s no one to cover (there rarely is) then it’s extremely hard to leave. Sadly misogyny is still rampant in surgery and there is an expectation that everyone has a wife at home to mop up these moments and he would be given flack for leaving to do a sick child nursery pick up. It’s not right but it’s reality. Similarly I think a less than full time role really opens up the opportunities for more equality, but realistically it will make him less appealing as a new consultant.

I would think about what you want to get out of your frustrations. Are you just done with the marriage? If you’re not then what do you want? Do you want to feel less alone in parenting? Do you want your own career to be prioritised for once (a fair request)? Do you want more of the family budget allocated to time saving measures like a cleaner/laundry service/cook meals etc to free you up? It doesn’t sound all bad if he’s willing to do a good stint at the weekend, I think maybe reflect on your unmet needs and talk about what you need to change.

Being a surgeon is very hard work. Sonja being a parent. You might need to source outside help such as a nanny to help out. And get a good cleaner

I think this. Its important to feel valued, whatever you do. This might help

But do you also get time together?

Not married to a surgeon, but I can say my husband is alot more hands on at home than yours.

However, he undoubtedly is paid a huge amount less and has less responsibility. Sadly I think when you have a job with huge responsibility, it's likely to.impact negatively on your work life balance....

This is nothing relevant to your post sorry. I just wanted to say my son has had 2 life saving operations. The last one the surgeons operated on him at 7ish at night for 4 hours. I owe my sons life to the surgeons and I am so thankful of them everyday. I don't know how easy it is for your husband to get home from work but I hope you both work it out.

OP works full time too

I am usually on the OP’s side in these “my husband does nothing but work” posts but they’re usually taking the piss by hanging out at the office into the evening. In this case I am not sure what you actually want him to do?

It likely is the case he has zero flexibility, I would have thought. Unfortunately solo parenting just comes with the territory when your partner is in certain professions.

Getting 10am-4pm on a weekend day to yourself is not bad at all. But I understand feeling resentful about the mental load as I’m in that place too!

If you can afford it, can either he go part-time, or you drop a day at work and put your child in nursery that day so you have an extra day to yourself?

Thing is, it is the type of role where lives really are at stake. If there is no one else around to perform an urgent, life saving surgery then he's going to do it isn't he? It may not be compatible with family life but I also think it would be a big ask to encourage him to change careers. Fortunately for their patients being a surgeon requires unwavering dedication. I guess there are a couple of options:
He goes part time
You go part time
You get a nanny to help you out

YABU

Being married to a corporate law firm partner …your dh does shed loads more than mine did when the dc were young so I’m afraid I think YABU. It’s the job. The solution was I bought in help - every day at tea time on weekdays 5pm - 7pm, and had a cleaner 8 hours a week.

Can you get some outside help- a nanny - after nursery for a few hours each day to help you?

I’m a surgeon , I do most of the child related admin in our house, I also do some bus drop offs at 7:30 .I wouldn’t be able to do later school runs. I do sometimes finish early enough to help and I go my kids school once a week to watch them play sport. I’m a consultant though so have more flexibility.
on theatre and on call days , DH works from home and knows that he is the default parent for picking up the kids. If I finish early - I let me know and do some pick ups. I wonder if he still in training if he has such little flexibility / control over what hours he does. It’s incredibly hard as a registrar.

This. 6 hours alone on the weekend as a parent is rare for anyone to get unless seperated. What actually hours do you work (obviously including unpaid) compared to him? Does he have 6 hours down time each week?

I’m friends with some and one said it’s because they cut into people. They need to be really confident that they are right to do something so serious

I would pay for the help you want to prevent your resentment - ie someone to do nursery drop offs, cleaning, meal preps, some bed times or child care after nursery - whatever makes life easier.

anaesthetists prep the patients, if you’re regularly expected to be working late you need to talk to your managers, you aren’t on call every day and they aren’t in theatre every day. They work similar hours to all other doctors. What about intensive care doctor's, obstetricians? They aren’t more special just because they cut.

You work from home and get a day of no child on Saturday. Wise up. You are in a way more fortunate position than most. Get a cleaner.

I have worked with a lot of top surgeons in the past.

And I can genuinely say there wasn't a single one of them who wasn't arrogant, up their own arse and came across as though they thought they were a gift to us all from God himself.

I don't know what it was that made them like that, but if they carried that attitude home with them, I can only imagine what family life was like for their wives and children.

I'm friends with surgeons rather than married to one.
There's probably something in between. Although handover/theatre officially starts at 8am realistically things need to be prepped before that time so starting at 7am common. 6am seems very early if that's start time!?

Although evidently unpredictable- sometimes the efficiency is so poor the theatre runs until 8-9pm- not every day is a theatre day. What time is he getting home?

Were things different before you have kids?

My experience is most surgeons feel a sense of responsibility and ownership for their patients, and will go in to sort things out even not in the hours they are paid / job planned for. Also competitive with bottlenecks for posts, so those seen not to be committed may be overlooked.

The problem seems to be the massive expectation mismatch between you. I don't even think it's a gender thing, it's a surgeon thing. One of the female surgeons I knew with kids would stay in a hotel or air BnB instead of at home during her hot week so she wasn't disturbed when resting, her DH sorted the kids out.

aren’t consultants all part-time now?

I know one - a lone one - who isn’t.

I understand why you are so annoyed, I'm not married to a surgeon but I've worked with them and there is often so much pressure on them - but there are also occasions where they put themselves in situations to stay late/do another case etc. It's the nature of the job (and the nature of the ego that often goes before being a surgeon).

Do you think that if he showed some respect for what you do - and some genuine gratitude / interest / appreciation then you might feel a bit differently? Stuff like making the time and interest to ask how your bedtime went? Or taking DD out for a bit extra? Or even just saying he knows you work so hard? I think it's the resentment that can be the most difficult to swallow.