If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

It’s a tough one. Either buy in more help or you both drop your days to 4 days. You both need more time freed up.

Im a career widow you might say. I do everything for the kids and have done for years, not married to a surgeon but a high flier. I gave up work in the end. Life is much easier now. Of course not for everyone but that’s the way I went. Life was too stressful the other way.

I'm a lone parent and i work full time, so I'm not going to lie the idea of having a full day to myself every week is like wow. I wouldn't even have had that when I was with my ex and he was involved with ds which he now isn't.

So in a respect I think it's your family dynamic and I see it all as shared labour to prosper your family. His job contributes to your financial stability and lifestyle, you also contribute to this in different ways.

My guess is the issue here isn't necessarily the work load you have (because if it was that then a cleaner/nanny would resolve it) but a perceived lack of appreciation for your time and the labour you're putting into this partnership. But then when he is out for the day with your child - is this not a recognition that you've covered a lot in the week and deserve a break?

Do you get time together as a couple as well as a family? Does he ever say thank you for x y z? I think his job is extremely intensive and I do think what you're describing is part of living with someone in that role. The question is how you manage it.

My brother is a surgeon. Same dedicated insanely overwhelming work life. But the most hands on incredible dad (and husband) I have ever seen.

The job is exceptionally challenging, but no excuse. He can do it. Cooks, cleans, looks after the little ones every second he can. Skips sleeping after nights on call just so he can be with ‘his girls’.

and yes. I’m a proud sister. Amazing human.

Sorry OP. I read your first paparagraph then left the thread with the thoughts if I married a surgeon I would literally be bowing at the door when he walked out. Having said this I owe my mothers life to surgeons & nothing can compare to the years we had left.

I'm a consultant surgeon in a very demanding field. I am mum to 3 children.
I work long and often antisocial/unpredictable hours doing emergencies. I operate 2 days per week (early starts), and do very antisocial activity 1:5 weeks and i do not know any surgeon that does a more intense rota (my average wiring week is 75 hours). I also do a large amount of private practice. I am still there for breakfast and dinner with kids 3 days a week, homework is supervised by me, and I do all home admin/present buying/bins/washing/bills etc. Once the kids are in bed I will do quite a few hours of clinical admin though.
I had a nanny when kids were a bit younger, and a cleaner. I have no family help.
My husband is in the military and is away a lot but does help when at home but also works long hours. We have now opted for independent school as kids can do long days.

Your husband is simply avoiding his commitment.

not married to a surgeon by my OH works offshore so that means I do have to be responsible for all the admin type things/mental load and that half the time he is away and I have to do everything by myself - including all the night wakes and the sick days and the picking up early from nursery days. It’s quite shit for me but my OH works away for basically half the year - that is just the nature of his job and I knew this before we had children so we just have to make it work.

The way I do this is that I dropped down to 4 days at work but keep my DD in nursery so I have a day completely to myself. And we got a cleaner.

I think he should pay for the support he’s not able to provide - like a nanny for pick ups and cooking. Or a cleaner, laundry service etc.

And he should absolutely not make his job his life. And be there for your kid, but it’s such a different job I don’t know if others can understand. There’s someone on Instagram - the surgeon mum or similar? Maybe you’ll get an insight from following her.

Three lads in my class at school became surgeons, two were dead before they reached 55.

@Whelm how did they die?

His job does mean he can’t do more.

However that doesn’t let him off the hook. If he can’t “do more” then he either needs to arrange & pay for additional help for you, cut his hours, or let you cut yours.

He needs to pay for childcare, a cleaner, whatever so that you are t carrying the burden alone.

My husband is a consultant surgeon. The training years were crap. It’s better now but it’s also crap he’s never home on time. That being said - he always tries to go to our DDs hobby whenever he can in during the week in the evenings and takes her on a sat morning. Getting that time to yourself is a pretty good deal I’d say… but a text mid way through your DHs day to ask how things are wouldn’t hurt. I’d say he’s taking the piss a bit but it’s what we sign up for…

Both parents working full time with young kids is just really really hard. And also really relentless. Unless you or him drop to part time working or get a nanny or a maid, it’ll continue to feel difficult and relentless. Don’t divorce over it.

My DH isn't a surgeon but he is in a similar life or death role where he can't just walk out the building when he feels like it or before he's officially completed what he needs to do. This means that despite working FT too I know I need to be the one to flex if the kids need picking up. He does pull his weight when not on shift and there have been times when we've had child related emergencies and his colleagues have pulled together to ensure he can leave and get back home to help deal with the situation.

Three lads in my class at school became surgeons, two were dead before they reached 55.
Amazing to have the skills to transform someone's life, but often seems to come with a misplaced sense of omnipotence.

I think you are lucky to have 10-4pm on a Saturday to yourself!! That’s very unusual. I don’t think I know of a single mum friend that has had a weekend day entirely to themselves. But you also sound burnt out. Can you get paid help?

Actually as your husband is a surgeon it's clearly not monday to Friday 9-5 so 6 hrs total child free time is A
very good .does he get the same I don't mean work that doesn't count but I mean no work no child .I would be happy with that .you clearly grumpy but then it's not a normal job the stress must be horrendous. You can't just say sorry delaying your op because I need to take my child to nursery you clearly can

What am I assuming?

As I said, I worked with them and they were male 😳

I mean fair enough, they might've had husbands at home instead of wives but I know for a fact at least 3 were married to women?

If it's the same poster, they've never stopped complaining about his job, even before marriage.
They also never join in their own thread,

This is sad: the assumption ("wives and children") that surgeons must necessarily be male. And the surgeon who in the past did a brilliant lumpectomy on me was not in the least up her arse. I am made very uncomfortable by cosmic generalizations.

Husband isn’t a surgeon but a pilot. We came very close to divorcing because dh made me feel like a skivvy. I am a SAHM so of course I know I will do the lion’s share of looking after the home and childcare. But dh was taking the absolute piss with not doing things he saw around the house - ie shoving a load on when he took his uniform out the washing machine chine, emptying the dishwasher whilst waiting for the coffee machine to get going instead of being on his phone etc.

I implore you to nip it in the bud. Dh and I left it almost too late. I’m very lucky that my dh actually responded to seeing me at the end of my tether and made the necessary changes.

It's likely more than the majority of mums get. My kids are older now and I don't get 6 hours a week alone every Saturday outside of work or any day of the week actually. Does your dh get a 6 hour block to himself alone outside of work every week?

Vet married to vet here. It is difficult with vocational jobs where you can’t just walk out on time if you need to hand over a patient, something over runs or goes wrong, getting a call out when you’re not even on call, staying on/going in to cover colleague illness etc. I work pt and do get frustrated with all the extra my dh does, that it feels like it’s always work first, but I do the same job and I do understand it (and there have been times when my work has been intense and he’s had to pick up the slack for me).I think it’s harder in some ways when you work in a different industry because it’s hard to understand the sense of duty and responsibility you feel when you are there, especially for your own patients, high stakes cases etc. then the guilt kicks in on the way home when you look at the time and realise you’ve missed bedtime again.

6 hours in one go IS a lot (just for contrast, and from what I read on MN I’m in no way hard done by, I think my DH has probably done that length in one go three or four times in three plus years) but is DD at nursery every day or do you work with her at home?

At 2 you are really in the thick of it, things get better at three and presumably when they are at school.

What does sound unfair is if you are both working full time he should be doing half the life admin for whole family and half the house cleaning. Unfortunately your job allows for pick ups and his doesn’t. If he makes a decent salary can he contribute to extra nursery days or more wrap around?

Does he offer enough emotional support? It’s quite common for mums to feel a bit depressed and lost in the early years. Don’t be afraid to reach out for extra support if needed from GP ect.

What was his working life before your child? What was discussed/expectation when deciding to have a child?

My post was meant to imply that as a woman she is more likely to be picking up the mental load tasks that men just don't see

I suppose the questions is: could he do more? Are there dc or household tasks that beome totally his responsibility (i.e. not you asking or reminding him). For example could he pack up dc's bag/lunch in the evening; could he deal with annual household bills (insurance, etc)? Could you go together to get dc's shoes, and then have lunch out so it feels more shared.

It also sounds like you want him to understand your dc-related day-to-day pressures, like asking you about the bedtime. Maybe a few sessions of counselling would help you communicate better about this.

However, I also know fathers in several jobs (including junior and senior medical ones) where they prioritise their work, and all the associated stuff (which includes general socialising). If this is what he's doing, you need to be firm.