If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

I would love a day off every week that was completely for me. It’s really rare in my experience with young dc.

Honestly, I think most parents (whether fathers or mothers) would love 6 child-free, work-free hours a week. It is a huge amount of time and I don't understand why you don't see that?

My dh has a ‘big job’ too - 80 hours is the standard. I knew this when I met him, and married him that I would at times being carrying the load alone. When my dc were young it was extremely hard work at times and I had an hour at the weekend not a day. You are lucky to have this.

Can you reduce your hours op? If you are feeling resentful - understandably. We made changes in the end, as I felt burnt out. It will get much easier for you as your child grows up.

Dont have a second or third child. Whatever you do. It’s very demanding in your position, and much more manageable with one.

Thanks for the thumbs up so far. Unless you've been at the coal face of a surgeon even those closest haven't a clue what's involved in their day to day life. They can all arrive at my door & I will do anything to help them including taking care of the majority of childcare

Derailing the thread a bit here, but my DP is a corporate lawyer in the City and he still does loads of childcare outside work (and all the childcare drop offs and pickups atm as I'm unwell pregnant and can't travel much, plus my job offers less flexibility than his).

However his firm lets him work from home whenever he likes, so he's usually doing pickups, putting our toddler to bed then logging on to work more until late evening.

I appreciate though the OP's DP can't wfh, which makes her scenario quite different to an office job.

You sound pretty deluded about the reality of most working mothers. I can’t imagine having 6 hours a week completely child and work free; I don’t know any one who has this ?? And whilst part of me would love that much time off at the weekend, I think I’d feel guilty not spending time with my child if I was at work all week too. I really don’t get the aggro from you if you’re just talking nursery runs (aren’t they a nice thing to have time with your child? And bed time should be a lovely happy time for connection too ? I would feel sad to miss those times with my kids and don’t ever resent them. Yes it can be hard but it’s also the highlight of the day.)

It appears most women end up responsible for all the mental load around children; it isn’t right but seems to be the status quo and certainly not unique to you, again, I don’t know any other family where it isn’t the mother responsible for buying clothes, shoes, packing bags etc, But it makes more sense in a dynamic where your partner has the more intense job?

Given the amount of free time you get, this sounds more to me like loneliness and a feeling of disconnect? Perhaps you could use the Saturdays to spend time together as a family?

I have no hesitation in saying I find surgeons amongst the top group of humans most worthy of respect in the world. If you are fortunate to marry a surgeon you should be willing & humble enough to support them & their work saving lives

He also signed up to parenting and needs to do it when he's at home. He also signed up to being married and needs to do some stuff in the home when he isn't working.

Or he should've stayed single and not had a child.

You’re insane, when I was a stay at home mum with no job I never got 6 hours, that is a huge amount you should be super grateful. Also one of the sacrifices you make for marrying someone with such a job is understanding that they won’t be as present however you receive the full financial benefit of his job. Imagine how intense it is and how focused he has to be and on top of that level of pressure (literally lives in his hands) you are nagging him even though he does the tasks you say and gives you 6 hours free every weekend. You are completely selfish and unreasonable. you also only have one child, this is not as difficult as you are making out.

Find out his exact timetable. There will be operating days and on call shifts. You need to take him out of those days. Other days there will be teaching/ admin,outpatient clinics
which more predictable start/ finish times he could work around
would a 4 day week work for you or more household help ?

There's other jobs where the hours are just as long and nearly as inflexible. But often maybe not so well paid.
So surely you can use some of his wages to get a cleaner or nanny to ease the burden on you?
I think the fact you WFH, have enough money, and you get several hours on a weekend to yourself minus the kids is more than most people could hope for.

I have a close relative who is a Doctor. Thankfully his wife is in a similar profession. They have family support & safe to say without that I agree it's more difficult.

Married to an anaethetist and wouldn't recommend it to anyone. He has his postgraduate exams (final FRCA) exams coming up the end of the month. He has been revising every day he's not working for 8-10 hours a day since August. He had Xmas day and Boxing Day off revising.

This means I'm doing all the parenting for our three year old who has been in hospital twice in the last month for unexplained diarrhoea and vomiting lasting 26 days and counting (!!!!!)

And I'm 28 weeks pregnant.

I honestly have come to hate him. I was a doctor myself and I couldn't hack the UK system and it seems I can't hack being married to one either

No you wouldn't be bowing at the door.

Have a word with yourself 🙄

If the tables were turned and your husband bowed to you every day when you entered the house, I'm sure you'd wonder WTF you've married?

And that's after you've composed yourself after the fit of giggles or being totally mortified.

Do you? Not the man who had a child he didn't intend to parent and a house he never intended to clean, just OP is spoilt because despite doing all the house work, childcare and holding down a full time job all week, she's having a moan? I wonder if you'd describe a man in OPs position as spoilt.

I imagine your feeling the stress of the job your DH does as do I (not the same profession) Whether you like it or not this is what you signed up for. Your DH has the lives of families in his hands. The very least you can do is support him. If you find it too much to cope with then with the best will in the world you shouldn't have become involved with a man in this profession

Even crazier post

Crazy post.

It’s a lot more than most full time working parents get!

I work full time and do a lot of the house admin. My husband is great at doing household chores but he WFH full time so you’d expect that. I take the odd day to myself but nothing like every week! At the weekends we share the load, which with 3 kids, means we rarely get time to ourselves.

I don’t think you’re getting a rough deal at all to be honest.

I would if he was a surgeon. Sadly people nowadays often take those who save the lives of our loved ones for granted,despite the fact they literally give their own lives to their profession.

The upside here, is that in the case of a divorce from a Medical consultant, the recovery is swift, since you are already so accustomed to doing everything yourself on the home front.

Let's face it if you believe 'surgeons' are little more than people who use knives to save lives then I for one think they deserve the highest of pedestals with a hot meal every time they walk through the door.

And I should add my parents are divorced. My dad was a general surgeon…

Huge massive pressure on him. Unrelenting really. Can’t imagine it. My parents both advised me not to do medicine.

Except you wouldn't be 'literally bowing at the door' to the man you married, would you?

Perhaps in your mind you might but this is the OP's actual life.

To add- I am the only woman in a department of 12. The rest of my colleagues arrive only having needed to worry about themselves (no packed lunches, kids up etc) and I leave them chatting to each other when I rush out the door.....
Just saying.
I feel like I haven't full time jobs and they only have one