I just don't want to have sex tonight

You're right, and I apologise for my reply. The last thing I would want to do is police a SA survivor. I am one myself, but I'm still on the road to recovery at the moment. I think that can cloud my judgement sometimes. I struggle with certain language myself but I shouldn't have projected that on to someone else.
So thank you for your opinion. It's really made me reconsider my response. @avm , I apologise for my misguided, silly response.

Fair enough if you don't want sex. Just say no and he has to respect that.

But I don't think it's reasonable to make the starting point "EuGH my husband wants sex".

Because it's normal for adults, male or female, to want sex, and when you're married it usually happens from time to time.

In my experience, I'm often (not every night) keen to have sex with my partner. Sometimes I don't want it but I've never got to the point of being "so sick of the hassle of saying no".

So I think the problem is partly his approach but it's also a bit of how you react - you don't sound like you fancy him or want sex at all. Which is fine, but you need to address that in the relationship if that's how you feel.

The person you are replying to was coerced into sex she didn't want to have, that is rape. She can use whatever language she wants to describe her abuse. Please do not police the language of SA survivors, we support SA survivors on this forum. Xx

@Notgivenuphope
Apologies for derailing the thread in my last reply.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and that you're worried about the fallout of saying, "No". Especially when you say you already have sex once a week. It absolutely IS fine to say no without any hassle afterwards. Maybe you both need to sit and chat about your sexual preferences at a neutral time, when sex isn't actually on the cards right then. Hopefully your husband will be more open to hearing and listening to your feelings/thoughts/opinions then?

OP as gently as possible, when it comes to sex, if it's not enthusiastic consent, it's not consent. Xx

Jesus fecking Christ on a bike..."It was like I was r*ing myself with his dck..."
That has got to be one of the most offensive, insensitive sentences I've ever read on here! Rubbish that you felt you needed to have "duty sex" but comparing it to one of the most serious crimes someone can be a victim of is absolutely appalling.

Also - out of curiosity - why did you censor "d" but not "r"?

I have absolutely no idea what was wrong with @Valid8me's question.

It was a question asked due to the fact that there wasn't enough info really in the op to help us advise.

Which the op could then answer - 'because I can't stand him' or 'because I just don't feel it like it tonight but ordinarily he's the best ever' or whatever, and then advice could be a bit more tailored!

This is a really fucked up take, it is not helpful to project your situation onto OP. Women should never be grateful for being pressured into sex FFS.

I am very sorry for whatever has happened to you

But this kind of emotional blackmail isn't fair and isn't relevant

You’re a man aren’t you?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you're in a much better situation now and I hope that is the case.

Tell him you fancy ramming an aerosol can up his arse, and if doesn't fancy it tonight, sulk.

Seriously, these entitled sex pests do actually need to be shows the unreasonableness of their behaviour in a way that there stupid little brains will grasp.

You don’t need a reason. No is plenty. YANBU.

You are not attracted to him, and would choose not to have sex with him.

I hope there are reasons that you are remaining married to him.

If logistics and finances allow it, and this isn't a temporary but rather a permanent feeling - then come join us singles, I thoroughly recommend.

Grumpy men give me the ick, it’s such a massive turn off.

This.

I was in a relationship where it was easier to just let him than say no and not be allowed to sleep as he would shout and swear, slam doors, turn on all of the lights, take my duvet away, wake the baby.

It wasn't until I did the freedom programme that I had the light bulb moment of this is coercive and actually assault and is not normal or right behaviour xx

She’s probably repulsed because he’s coercive, controlling, sulky and grumpy. All of those are pretty repulsive in my book.

Oh wow a sulky and grumpy man is soooooo attractive OP, how could you possibly keep your hands off him? Good grief, that behaviour would make my vagina clamp shut forever. Coercing someone into sex is bordering on rape imo. YADNBU.

Just be glad you both still have the opportunity. Life can take.a cruel turn and this will never be an option again for me and my partner. You don't know what you had until it has gone.

Most people will want to have sex with their partners SOME of the time, not ALL.

If you are in a loving relationship, you might say yes, when you're a little unsure but know you'll get into it or perhaps you say no and your partner understands. Maybe another day. Your relationship and sense of closeness ebbs and flows but is broadly consistent over time. You are both working together and respectful.

Being in a grumpy coercive relationship will make it impossible to find a middle ground. There will be no give and take, no working together. Every proposition has huge consequences whether you agree or not. Physical or emotional discomfort, perhaps both follows. The stakes are high and you'd rather not play the game at all but you have to decide which is worst in that moment and peace is temporary before it starts again.

TheJinxMinx thank you, that's exactly what I was trying to get at - clearly not very well.

Of course. That’s normal.

But the whole tone and wording of the OP’s post doesn’t really point to a ‘Sorry love, just a bit knackered tonight’ situation. She sounds frightened at the very thought that he might suggest it and says he’ll be angry if she says no. There’s a lot going on.

Agreed. I suspect sex is far from the only issue in this relationship.

I’m not defending the husband because he clearly shouldn’t be getting angry if he doesn’t get sex or trying to coerce the OP into it. He sounds vile.

But this is clearly way more than than mismatched libidos and it’s a valid and important question to ask why the OP is so completely repulsed at the mere thought of sex with her husband. This level of revulsion is clearly not just a case of a lower sex drive than her partner; there’s something much deeper going on.

My exH was the same. For years. Never helped with anything around the house or child related, was messy and grumpy, and expected me to want to have sex with him every evening he was at home (he worked away in the week). If I didn’t want to or spent too long sorting things out before going to bed, he would be livid: silent treatment and foul tempered the next day. He ruined trips away because I didn’t want to spend the day in bed with him. He made my skin crawl and he was right, I didn’t want to sleep with him.

I’ve realised since leaving him that it is a horrible form of control and he will never change. What you’re dealing with is not okay. You have a choice. Mine said it’s literally the husband’s right to have sex with his wife when he wants (and that you can’t rape your own wife but that’s another story!). Life is so much better without him! Good luck