Page 4 | I just don't want to have sex tonight

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:12

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 09:50

Roguefemale
"A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth."

There is some truth in men fearing talking to their partners about being intimate, that's because they have been told no that often. This in turn eats away at their self esteem and when it gets to the point and they try to raise the subject, they are judged as being rude or only after sex. Understandably some men may raise this topic in a poor fashion.

I completely understand that women are craving intimacy and closeness, but how many women push their husbands away when they try and cuddle you when you're doing something? If they do do you respond with "get off" or "you're only after one thing"
If so once again you are reinforcing that you do not want him to touch you. Then when you feel that the time is right and you'd like to cuddle or hold hands, you are shocked when he will not initiate.

On mumsnet, I find that men are the enemy and only after one thing, but women are not challenged on their own behaviours towards their husbands.
Same as before, honestly think back to all the times your DH has tried to touch you (not just sexually) and you've pushed him away. Has this made him more or less likely to approach you with a loving embrace or holding your hand?

It's simply behaviour training, if you are constantly saying "do not touch" you train him to avoid you, because he knows that if he tries he maybe met with anger and frustration. Ultimately leading to your resentment that he is not giving you the intimacy you want.

Coercive sex is NOT OK and will kill any woman's sex drive. How dare act as if his behavior is OK here? A wife is not a service bot for your dick.

Naunet · 08/02/2025 10:07

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:05

My goodness, I agree either with EVERY SINGLE WORD of this.

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OP please ignore these disgusting males who see nothing wrong with coercing a woman into sex.

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 09:50

Roguefemale
"A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth."

There is some truth in men fearing talking to their partners about being intimate, that's because they have been told no that often. This in turn eats away at their self esteem and when it gets to the point and they try to raise the subject, they are judged as being rude or only after sex. Understandably some men may raise this topic in a poor fashion.

I completely understand that women are craving intimacy and closeness, but how many women push their husbands away when they try and cuddle you when you're doing something? If they do do you respond with "get off" or "you're only after one thing"
If so once again you are reinforcing that you do not want him to touch you. Then when you feel that the time is right and you'd like to cuddle or hold hands, you are shocked when he will not initiate.

On mumsnet, I find that men are the enemy and only after one thing, but women are not challenged on their own behaviours towards their husbands.
Same as before, honestly think back to all the times your DH has tried to touch you (not just sexually) and you've pushed him away. Has this made him more or less likely to approach you with a loving embrace or holding your hand?

It's simply behaviour training, if you are constantly saying "do not touch" you train him to avoid you, because he knows that if he tries he maybe met with anger and frustration. Ultimately leading to your resentment that he is not giving you the intimacy you want.

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 09:44

My partner used to be the same, he used to sulk like a toddler who didn't get sweets if I didn't want it!
Now he's reached his mid 40s and his testosterone levels have plummeted so I get left alone.

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:42

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

Oh god yeah , grumpy men are just SUCH a turn on. Op, how come you're not falling over yourself to worship his mighty cock?

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:39

JustMyView13 · 08/02/2025 06:05

Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

It’s ok to say no. No is a whole sentence.

However communication is the key to a happy and successful marriage. If you’re not giving him a reason why, or a timeline for when, you may inadvertently be playing into an insecurity. And if he’s sensing a reluctance when you do say yes, he may be convincing himself more on that insecurity if he’s picking up on it. If it’s a you reason, make that clear.

If no is a whole sentence why does she need to "communicate" a reason or give a time when she will be willing to have sex?

Nessastats · 08/02/2025 09:38

MonickerMonica · 07/02/2025 21:58

So you "let him" have.... grumpy sex? Bloody hell. Sounds like you don't fancy or desire him much if at all. That's sad and makes me wonder why you are with him. 😕

Well the only sad thing about that is that her husband is more than happy to have sex on someone who doesn't want to. There's a word for that.

MightyGoldBear · 08/02/2025 09:37

This isn't a relationship issue. This is an entitlement issue that your partner ideally needs to do some individual work with a therapist with. Not any bog standard therapist.

No grown adult should be sulking over anything. It is particularly abusive if its sulking over sex. (Completely different to dissappintment and constructively expressing or talking about issues with empathy and compassion for a partner.)

Pussycat22 · 08/02/2025 09:14

Nothatgingerpirate · 08/02/2025 06:25

Ah, fuck them all!
Not literally.
🤢

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Yeah the bloke being a git is a total turn on!!!

Movingonup313 · 08/02/2025 07:41

As many have said, you don't ever have to have sex. Speak to each other and explore your reasons why. I know a lovely couple who clearly love, adore, trust and respect each other. She lost interest in sex after child birth. Libido went. It never returned. 10 years later they are still very much in love - everything else is there. He has never pressured her. They worked through it. It might not be for everyone to have an intimacy-void r.ship but it can work. I'd say say speak to him, maybe therapy will help you both. He sounds immature and disrespectful. I hope you are okay.

Pussycat22 · 08/02/2025 06:38

Quinlan · 07/02/2025 21:56

There is just so much wrong with this post. A total lack of thought, empathy, common sense. You do see a lot of really stupid posts on mumsnet and comments which totally miss the point or just show such a lack of judgement but i’m still astounded every time I see something so stupid.

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Not everybody has your superior intellect.

Namechangednorth · 08/02/2025 06:32

User56785 · 07/02/2025 22:02

No, you shouldn't be having sex when you don't want to.

It doesn't sound like you are enjoying your marriage at all.

This! Bigger issues here definately as the resentment isn’t good

Nothatgingerpirate · 08/02/2025 06:25

JMSA · 07/02/2025 22:25

Why don't so many men get it?

Oh, by get it, I mean understand. I don't mean why don't they get sex!?

Like if they changed tack, and really made the effort to be a great partner, it MIGHT change the outcome in so many cases.

Ah, fuck them all!
Not literally.
🤢

JustMyView13 · 08/02/2025 06:05

Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

It’s ok to say no. No is a whole sentence.

However communication is the key to a happy and successful marriage. If you’re not giving him a reason why, or a timeline for when, you may inadvertently be playing into an insecurity. And if he’s sensing a reluctance when you do say yes, he may be convincing himself more on that insecurity if he’s picking up on it. If it’s a you reason, make that clear.

JacquesHarlow · 08/02/2025 06:04

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

Brilliant post and agree with every word.

The key part is the last paragraph -

Have you (like many women on Mumsnet) gone off sex completely OP, and it doesn’t really matter how your DH is as a person, you just don’t want it?

I mean you started your whole post with “Eugh my husband wants sex”..

Can you see perhaps that this could be a real problem for you down the line , if he continues to want it in your relationship and you don’t?

Shoxfordian · 08/02/2025 05:48

He shouldn't be spending ages convincing you or grumpy when you say no, it's coercive behaviour designed to make you comply with him.

3luckystars · 08/02/2025 05:22

I’m sorry you are going through this.
It is worth thinking about if it’s a long term thing or just temporary.

I think if you are continually doing something you don’t want to do, your body pays the price of it and it will take its toll on you.

You either say it, or your body will say it for you.

Devilsmommy · 08/02/2025 03:32

Twirlywurly2 · 07/02/2025 23:16

Sometimes I can't be arsed having sex. I'm tired and want to sleep.

Doesn't mean to say I don't fancy my husband. I don't understand this expectation that you should always want sex. Sometimes I'd rather sleep. Is that so bad?

I've got a toddler. Sleep over sex every time 🤣

ThisFluentBiscuit · 08/02/2025 02:11

Don't have sex if you don't want to, OP.

It's truly amazing how dumb men are when it comes to sex. I can understand it from a young man, but men never, ever learn. By which I mean, most women in long-term relationships don't fancy sex if he has disgusting habits, if there's no emotional intimacy, if he doesn't pull his weight around the house, if he's angry and grumpy, if he's got a drink problem or a fidelity problem. Emotional intimacy is something they place no importance on. And they elect not to understand how much many women love to be touched all over. They go for the main buttons like we're all machines.

Many, many men live their whole lives behaving badly in the ways above and choosing not to understand that women want emotional intimacy, friendship, partnership, and all-over touching.

Men complain about not getting enough sex, well you know what? Many men don't deserve sex. We risk pregnancy, and letting someone into your body is a different thing from what they experience. All too often, they act like we're appliances with "Insert appendage below" written between our hips.

Well, fuck them all.

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:05

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

My goodness, I agree either with EVERY SINGLE WORD of this.

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:04

Valid8me · 07/02/2025 22:25

Ita a valid question as far as I am concerned.
Nobody should be having sex that they don't want to obviously, we all have the right to say no but most people would actually want to have sex with their husband/wife/partner and if not, then it's reasonable to wonder why.

Maybe the OP has a valid reason but she hasn't mentioned one.

And no, I am not lacking in empathy nor am I stupid so go and be astounded somewhere else.

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I agree with you, @Valid8me. There's a world of difference - a chasm - between marital rape and the reasonable notion that someone might expect their spouse to want to have sex with them.

I guess I'm the OP's husband in my scenario. My husband has no interest in sex with me and it is absolutely soul-destroying. I feel completely rejected and unlovable. It may well be that OP's husband is an absolute prick all together, but his grumpiness resulting from his spouse withholding sex is neither unexpected or unattractive.

RogueFemale · 08/02/2025 01:32

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

@notanotherdad A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth.

Jumpingthruhoops · 08/02/2025 01:15

avm · 07/02/2025 21:39

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already.

I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it.

We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ?

I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes.

Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

Sorry, but what have I just read!?
You just say: 'I don't want sex tonight'. End of conversation.
If he's 'grumpy', well, too bad!🤷‍♀️

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

AsLivingArrows · 08/02/2025 01:11

Hedgingmybetching · 08/02/2025 00:58

The person you are replying to was coerced into sex she didn't want to have, that is rape. She can use whatever language she wants to describe her abuse. Please do not police the language of SA survivors, we support SA survivors on this forum. Xx

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I agree.