Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just don't want to have sex tonight

165 replies

avm · 07/02/2025 21:39

EuGH my Husband is going to come and make it clear he wants sex tonight and I'm dreading it already.

I just don't want to. He'll spend ages trying to convince me to and possibly get annoyed if I don't do it.

We've been having sex once a week and I think it should be fine to say no without all the hassle ?

I'm so sick of the hassle that saying no causes.

Also he's a grumpy bastard anyway. Sometimes I do it, to see if he'll be less grumpy, but he's still grumpy.

OP posts:
JHound · 08/02/2025 21:35

Ooral · 08/02/2025 16:21

Do you disagree with what I have said? My advice is sound "get to the bottom of the issue".

The consequences are also very likely.

Show quote history

Why is cheating likely? Cheating is a moral decision not an inevitability.

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 20:48

Ooral · 08/02/2025 16:21

Do you disagree with what I have said? My advice is sound "get to the bottom of the issue".

The consequences are also very likely.

Show quote history

I disagree with the “don’t be surprised if he cheats” narrative.

A wife should be surprised that the man she’s married to cheats. Nothing excuses that. It shouldn’t be expected, or accepted.

Ooral · 08/02/2025 16:21

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:16

Lord but the emotional men are really flocking to this thread, aren’t they?

Show quote history

Do you disagree with what I have said? My advice is sound "get to the bottom of the issue".

The consequences are also very likely.

Wonderi · 08/02/2025 15:43

Why are you in a relationship with him?

It seems neither of you even like each other.

I couldn’t be with someone who was grumpy, made my skin crawl and thought of me as nothing but a hole to stick his dick in.

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 15:38

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:31

You don’t have to have experienced it to be quite clear it exists. Look how many men are happy to coerce women into sex / pressure their wives into sex they don’t want.

Show quote history

Oh I know it exists, but @Mittens67 said

Men will enjoy sex in any capacity.

and

All they need is a fleshy hole.

As if it’s some kind of definitive. Her generalisation doesn’t apply to the majority.

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 15:28

SweetBabyChessus

"I am absolutely aware of all of that, and I tell him everything about how I feel. We compromise. But if he sulked when I said no, then it really would be him that repulsed me.

This attitude a lot of men seem to have - that they own 'their' woman's body... What the actual fuck."

Sulking is not an attractive trait and it'll turn me off too 😂
I'm not stupid enough to believe that I own my wife, I love that she's her own person.

SweetBabyCheesus · 08/02/2025 15:21

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 14:55

SweetBabyChessus
“You do realise that there are hormones (or the lack thereof) at play here, don't you?
I love my dh to death, and he's the same. Sometimes the idea of sex makes me repulsed - HE doesn't repulse me. I'm 54, and honestly so over it.”

I completely understand that and will not pretend to be an expert on hormones at all. Regarding the “so over it”

How does he feel about that? Have you spoken to him, to see if he’s over it too? Or have you decided that because you’re over it, he must follow suit?

It’s like unplugging the tv because you don’t want to watch a show and expecting them to just be happy with it.

It’ll breed resentment, at least talk and explain your feelings on it. DH maybe happy not to watch tv anymore, but if he still wants to, then you’ll have to think about different options.

At the end of the day, if you like it or not, sex is an important part of a relationship. If it stops being fun, you should really try and work out why.

I am absolutely aware of all of that, and I tell him everything about how I feel. We compromise. But if he sulked when I said no, then it really would be him that repulsed me.

This attitude a lot of men seem to have - that they own 'their' woman's body... What the actual fuck.

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 14:55

SweetBabyChessus
“You do realise that there are hormones (or the lack thereof) at play here, don't you?
I love my dh to death, and he's the same. Sometimes the idea of sex makes me repulsed - HE doesn't repulse me. I'm 54, and honestly so over it.”

I completely understand that and will not pretend to be an expert on hormones at all. Regarding the “so over it”

How does he feel about that? Have you spoken to him, to see if he’s over it too? Or have you decided that because you’re over it, he must follow suit?

It’s like unplugging the tv because you don’t want to watch a show and expecting them to just be happy with it.

It’ll breed resentment, at least talk and explain your feelings on it. DH maybe happy not to watch tv anymore, but if he still wants to, then you’ll have to think about different options.

At the end of the day, if you like it or not, sex is an important part of a relationship. If it stops being fun, you should really try and work out why.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:31

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:14

You’ve clearly been with awful men.

I’ve never once experienced this.

Show quote history

You don’t have to have experienced it to be quite clear it exists. Look how many men are happy to coerce women into sex / pressure their wives into sex they don’t want.

Summerhillsquare · 08/02/2025 14:28

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:16

Lord but the emotional men are really flocking to this thread, aren’t they?

Show quote history

It's made them testerical. And somehow they think it's women's problem.

Sorry OP, your husband sounds like a wanker, he should act in that and not be coercing you.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:27

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

@avm your husband sounds gross. No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him.

It also sounds like sex with him would be terrible - completely one-sided and selfish.

Grammarnut · 08/02/2025 14:27

Quinlan · 07/02/2025 21:56

There is just so much wrong with this post. A total lack of thought, empathy, common sense. You do see a lot of really stupid posts on mumsnet and comments which totally miss the point or just show such a lack of judgement but i’m still astounded every time I see something so stupid.

Show quote history

It's insensitive, true, but a valid question. Why does OP not want to, not just tonight, but often? Working out why this is the situation can resolve it - most likely, in this case, with ending the marriage.

Grammarnut · 08/02/2025 14:25

moostermum · 07/02/2025 22:14

Oh god, this is me. The outcome and sulking of not doing it is worse 😩

If this is you, then you need to be thinking of leaving the relationship. Love does not coerce.

NattyBeaker · 08/02/2025 14:24

Tell him expectation is the least sexy thing there is and maybe if he was less predictable you'd be more in to him

Grammarnut · 08/02/2025 14:23

You should not have sex if you do not want to. Say no, not tonight, Joe! He should not try to coerce you - if he does then you are in an abusive relationship and should be looking to leave it.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:23

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:05

My goodness, I agree either with EVERY SINGLE WORD of this.

Show quote history

Why would you need your husband to release you / suggest an open relationship.

Why can’t you do those things yourself?

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:21

thicklysettled · 08/02/2025 02:04

I agree with you, @Valid8me. There's a world of difference - a chasm - between marital rape and the reasonable notion that someone might expect their spouse to want to have sex with them.

I guess I'm the OP's husband in my scenario. My husband has no interest in sex with me and it is absolutely soul-destroying. I feel completely rejected and unlovable. It may well be that OP's husband is an absolute prick all together, but his grumpiness resulting from his spouse withholding sex is neither unexpected or unattractive.

Show quote history

The grumpiness is definitely unattractive even if to be expected.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:20

RogueFemale · 08/02/2025 01:32

@notanotherdad A lot of men deeply fear and avoid intimacy. Sexual intercourse isn't intimacy. It can just be a cold hard fuck.

Most women want and yearn for intimacy. Real emotional intimacy and closeness. But if they don't get it from their partner, it may end up turning them off sexually.

Everything you say suggests that you don't understand this basic truth.

Show quote history

I have seen this said frequently that for me the sexual intimacy starts and stops in the bedroom - but for women to be ready in the bedroom it starts long before that.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2025 14:19

avm · 08/02/2025 10:18

I was recently talking to my H about being on a fitness journey/ wanting to do some tweakments, as I think if I felt better about my body, I would be more inclined to be more up for things. Since having kids, I've struggled a lot.

His answer was that I better put out and he should be the one to enjoy more time with me and not other men, otherwise- what's the point of trying to better myself.

This comment really pissed me off. Like he has ownership of my body somehow.

I'm not doing it for other men. I'm doing it FOR ME. I'm not even doing it for my husband. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin again. A positive side effect MIGHT be that sex might be more enjoyable for me.

This comment is repulsive op. It's a far worse update that your op.

Why don't you leave him?

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:18

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

I also don’t understand why she needs to “free him”.

Can’s he be the one to float the idea of an open marriage or be the to choose to end the marriage.

Why does she need to do those actions on his behalf? Do men not have agency?

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:16

Ooral · 08/02/2025 14:12

Don't be surprised when you catch him wanking / looking at porn / humping his secretary.

Get to the bottom of why you don't want too and talk to him about that, or expect the above. (Yes I know, he would never look at OF / porn etc)

Lord but the emotional men are really flocking to this thread, aren’t they?

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:16

notanotherdad · 08/02/2025 01:13

Oh men are the worst, wanting to be intimate with his wife. What a bad guy, I'm with all the other women who deny their husbands any intimacy. How dare they wish for any of that. When sex is only for kids and pre marriage!!

But I'll ask you this, If you don't want to have sex with your husband, would you consider letting him having sex with other people? That way it takes that task away from you and he might even be less grumpy.

If not, why don't you just let him free and he can find someone that wants to sleep with him? Why waste years of your life and his, because if you feel this way about sex with your husband, there must be other things you are not happy with. So save everyone's time and just end the relationship.

If you don't want to do that because you like your lifestyle and other areas are met, let him sleep with someone who wants to. But that won't happen, because you may lose the control in the relationship and possibly deep down you enjoy saying no, to what some may consider a key part of a relationship.

Pleas tell me how I'm wrong and men need to do more housework or try harder. Yet deep down you know that you are not being honest. He could do all the housework and met all your other needs, but you just don't feel like sex anymore. It could be self confidence, you may not fancy him anymore or you have more fun on your own. But be honest, stop wasting your life and his being in a sexless or near sexless relationship.

“Deny their husbands intimacy”.

YIKES dude…..

CaroIus · 08/02/2025 14:14

Mittens67 · 08/02/2025 11:37

This for me sums up a major difference between men and women.
Men will enjoy sex in any capacity. The fact that a woman does not want to makes no difference, and of course in some cases even more of a male turn on.
All they need is a fleshy hole.
Your husband doesn’t care about your mind or your feelings. All he cares about is access to the hole.

You’ve clearly been with awful men.

I’ve never once experienced this.

JHound · 08/02/2025 14:14

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 23:54

If logistics and finances allow it, and this isn't a temporary but rather a permanent feeling - then come join us singles, I thoroughly recommend.

There are downsides to being single but never having to have sex I don’t want to have (with zero guilt) is a big plus for me!

Ooral · 08/02/2025 14:12

Don't be surprised when you catch him wanking / looking at porn / humping his secretary.

Get to the bottom of why you don't want too and talk to him about that, or expect the above. (Yes I know, he would never look at OF / porn etc)