Husband thinks spending time with kids is caregiving

No doubt he got his mother round to actually look after the kids too!

I don't know how you can bare to stay married to such a dickhead or even have sex with him. Divorce seems the obvious answer.

The saddest thing is that he sees playing with his children as a chore. My DH works FT, has elderly parents who need him and he still helps out 50:50 with the kids because he enjoys being with them and loves watching them do their hobbies, as well as the painful stuff like getting homework done etc. He can annoyingly try to point score over empyting dishwasher or doing laundry but he never ever uses time with his kids as some kind of parenting top trump. In short your husband is not only a bad DH but he is bad Dad and you need to address this.

Why does he not change nappies? What's his excuse?

It's not the 1950s!

Nailed it here. He will NEVER change, possibly only get worse.

Aw well 50% custody won’t be too difficult for him then will it as he’s used to doing most of it 🙄

First of all, you are not being unreasonable at all. Secondly I think there are two ways of talking about this with him. One is to point out that whilst he is at work "working", you are at home "working", and then when you are both at home you can both then have chance to sometimes not be "working" and you should share that chance out equally between you. If he thinks it is too difficult for him to spend time outside "work" caring for the kids, then why does he think you should have to do that. If he thinks caring for the kids is easy, then why is it a problem to do it outside of work?

The other important thing to consider is that cleaning a house, cooking meals for the whole family, washing for the whole family etc is not childcare. They are jobs that need to be done anyway by any adult. I don't know if he helps with these but if he doesn't, why does he think he now doesn't need to do any of the things an adult does just to live?

Id suggest you might want to join a Facebook group called Bridging the gap.

I'm sorry this is happening OP. His attitude really needs to change but it sounds like he's set in his ways. Would mediation help? It's exhausting being married to a man with outdated expectations. My ex husband was fixed in his attitude that all domestic chores and bringing up children was women's work. He was raised this way. Maybe it's time to sit down with your husband again and tell him how exhausted you are and that things have to change. Also, you know what time he finishes work. Ask him directly what time your working day ends. You can't do it all OP. Would he pay for a cleaner to take some of the weight off?

I'm a sahm and DH changed pretty much all the nappies once he was home from work. He figured that would mean we did half each since I was doing all the changes while he was at work.

We have 2 dcs and we usually take turns having one to one time with each one, and we pull our weight with the chores in the evenings and weekends. He gets home from the office in time for dinner with the kids as we chose to live nearby rather than out in the suburbs, to ensure he could have a short commute.

Personally I wouldn't have had more than one unless I knew DH was going to parent equally and actually enjoy spending time with our dc (which was clear after dc1 was born). It's too much work being a solo parent to more than one child. Obviously you can't tell what kind of a parent a man is going to be before you have the first child, but it's clear once you've had dc1.

YANBU. Mine is the exact same I get ‘I helped you yesterday, I brought a towel when you were bathing the kids didn’t I?’ I nearly fainted. The bar is so so low for him. His family and he himself have convinced him so much that he is the best dad that ever lived - I do it all. On my own! I feel your frustration, I’m considering leaving as he won’t change.

This. I will never understand why women put up with any other arrangement. Apart from anything else, you are bringing up your boys and girls to think its womens job to do all the domestic work. Thats how you end up with a new generation of entitled men.

This. Hate it when people say that!

Usually before kids arrive they’re all promises about how they’ll be a hands-on parent and partner. Then when the kid first arrived they fluctuate between making an effort and being less than average but with the first but you make allowances for the fact that you’re juggling a breadwinner/SAHM or part-time dynamic or “they’re finding their feet as a parent who doesn’t have as much time with them” etc.

And then when the next comes along they tap out even more and you have your hands so full with two kids and a household to run you barely have the energy for fights with someone who is more interested in arguing with and gaslighting you than pulling their weight.

Well obviously now you've got to wait for baby to have a poonami and make yourself scarce. How the hell has he only changed 1-2 nappies. I think you need to start going out more so he can actually parent

Good grief. I have heard stuff like this so many times,I despair. What is with men that they have to keep a 'score' of every time they change a nappy,or wash up after dinner? My exH used to look after our DD once a fortnight so I could go out for the evening with my best friend. He was fine about it, never said that he was babysitting or 'helping' me. But OMFG his mother and his sister. To say they had traditional attitudes is an understatement.They could never resist having a dig about their darling son/brother being 'put upon' by me expecting him to look after our DD for 4 hours once a fortnight. Apparently,I was 'really lucky'. This is going back 40 years, mid 1980's. I had rather hoped that attitudes had changed. Apparently not!

you lost me at him barely changing his child’s nappy.. which is absolutely fucking ridiculous and I cannot believe women put up with this shit.

Do these arseholes think their responsibility towards being a parent ended at their ejaculation?

I was a SAHM for a number of years while our children were small. I did the vast majority of housework, shopping and cooking as DH worked away a lot and even when working nearer home, didn't get home until 7ish. But when he was home he was completely hands on with the kids, changing nappies, feeding, bathing, bedtime, playing with them etc. Weekends we took it in turns to get up with the kids so one of us had a lie in. This is not 'helping' it's just being a parent. Your husband needs to buck his ideas up!

He will never change. You have a decision to make.

Honestly I would give him a brief taste of ACTUAL care giving since he does it all the time go for a job interview no need to book childcare he is doing it all anyway

So what did he say when you told him you were going out for the day and he could look after the kids?

I'm assuming you've had the conversation about needing some time to yourself? And what did he say?

If you're a SAHM then he probably thinks it's your role.

Why not tell him you're going back yo work and get a job so everything can be split 50/50?

The saddest thing here is that he sees his children as a job rather than wanting to spend time with them and raise them.

No need to divorce, just get up early tomorrow and go out for a long leisurely breakfast and then have a mooch around town.

That's what me and my now ex h did. I did all I wanted to in the day and as soon as he got in it was team work.

There’s just horrible women on here that love to blame the person that’s being treated badly. They’re gross.