Okay, where to start. A few years ago I sent a very polite message to my mother in law asking her to stop turning up unannounced at our home. She'd caught us mid movie day with the kid, caught me in a state of undress, interrupted us being intimate etc. plus I'm a grown woman with my own family and I don't enjoy entertaining others for a couple of hours with no notice.
Anyway, since then, she's just stopped coming around all together. All I'd asked for was a quick text saying "thinking of coming over in 10, are you about?"
She thinks this is unreasonable and has talked about behind my back to the extended family but never raised it with me, she just didn't reply and stopped coming over. My partner had tried to deal with it first a few times but she brushed him off and he was taking too long to put his foot down, so I sent the text.
MIL and I get along perfectly well even after the text, although it obviously upset her.
Skip forward a few years and we've got two more kids, she and her husband still don't bother. My partner is upset by this for obvious reasons.
We lost a pregnancy in September and his Mum and brother were less than supportive, let's leave that there. It's left me with quite a sore spot towards them and no apologies from them despite me trying to smooth things over from my end, it hasn't been reciprocated, just more ignoring the situation and pretending it's all normal.
So that's the background.
Over the last few kids birthdays and Christmas there's been a row between my partner and I.
My partner says he feels there's a rift between him and his family and they don't see the kids, I understand this, but I don't feel that's my issue to sort. I feel he should arrange visits with his family. I used to arrange things with his family but frankly, since the incidents mentioned during the miscarriage I'm taking a back seat, I told him this and he's fully supportive of that.
I will still go and be cordial during these visits, but I just won't sort them out.
Because of this we're seeing his family less than ever.
It's our child's birthday tomorrow, he's having a friend over all day, going out to the arcades and having a sleepover.
Partners sister just text, the night before, saying when shall we all come over tomorrow.
I'll admit I didn't have the most delicate reaction. This happens regularly on events, like Christmas and the kids birthdays. I've made plans, the child is looking forward to said plans, then a bomb drops the night before/day of event, saying we're all descending, what time (not from MIL of course, texting to ask to come around is beneath her)
So I basically say, why are we putting your family ahead of our kids? It's their birthday, why am I going to interrupt their fun for an hour or two just because your family insist on seeing him that day?
Can't they come the following day in the afternoon when we're all free and he can see them? Otherwise we're either ruining his birthday expectations or we're being rude and he's not sitting with them.
That is all they do aswell, sit and expect cups of tea while speaking about things in their own lives. I don't think his parents have once asked how we are/how the kids are. So no fun for a kid.
Plus, our son's sleepover friend barely knows us, let alone 4 other people and 2 small children who will suddenly be in the house. I don't think that's fair, they will feel, at best, uncomfortable.
If this has been mentioned and arranged in advance then I could have carved out some time. Admittedly, since stepping back from organising I've let them take a back seat in my head and didn't consider making the time for them, which is on me. I also feel that should have been considered by my partner and he shouldn't be giving me grief about it now though.....
So AIBU to ask my partner to sort seeing his family around our family plans rather than rearrange our plans, last minute, to suit them?
I feel like he's putting them above anyone in our own home because he didn't want to be the bad guy...... But he doesn't realise he's then putting his own family a very definite second place.