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AIBU?

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Original poster

In laws coming round

82 replies

Jackofallmasterofnone · 07/02/2025 19:50

Okay, where to start. A few years ago I sent a very polite message to my mother in law asking her to stop turning up unannounced at our home. She'd caught us mid movie day with the kid, caught me in a state of undress, interrupted us being intimate etc. plus I'm a grown woman with my own family and I don't enjoy entertaining others for a couple of hours with no notice.

Anyway, since then, she's just stopped coming around all together. All I'd asked for was a quick text saying "thinking of coming over in 10, are you about?"
She thinks this is unreasonable and has talked about behind my back to the extended family but never raised it with me, she just didn't reply and stopped coming over. My partner had tried to deal with it first a few times but she brushed him off and he was taking too long to put his foot down, so I sent the text.

MIL and I get along perfectly well even after the text, although it obviously upset her.

Skip forward a few years and we've got two more kids, she and her husband still don't bother. My partner is upset by this for obvious reasons.

We lost a pregnancy in September and his Mum and brother were less than supportive, let's leave that there. It's left me with quite a sore spot towards them and no apologies from them despite me trying to smooth things over from my end, it hasn't been reciprocated, just more ignoring the situation and pretending it's all normal.

So that's the background.

Over the last few kids birthdays and Christmas there's been a row between my partner and I.

My partner says he feels there's a rift between him and his family and they don't see the kids, I understand this, but I don't feel that's my issue to sort. I feel he should arrange visits with his family. I used to arrange things with his family but frankly, since the incidents mentioned during the miscarriage I'm taking a back seat, I told him this and he's fully supportive of that.
I will still go and be cordial during these visits, but I just won't sort them out.

Because of this we're seeing his family less than ever.

It's our child's birthday tomorrow, he's having a friend over all day, going out to the arcades and having a sleepover.

Partners sister just text, the night before, saying when shall we all come over tomorrow.

I'll admit I didn't have the most delicate reaction. This happens regularly on events, like Christmas and the kids birthdays. I've made plans, the child is looking forward to said plans, then a bomb drops the night before/day of event, saying we're all descending, what time (not from MIL of course, texting to ask to come around is beneath her)

So I basically say, why are we putting your family ahead of our kids? It's their birthday, why am I going to interrupt their fun for an hour or two just because your family insist on seeing him that day?
Can't they come the following day in the afternoon when we're all free and he can see them? Otherwise we're either ruining his birthday expectations or we're being rude and he's not sitting with them.

That is all they do aswell, sit and expect cups of tea while speaking about things in their own lives. I don't think his parents have once asked how we are/how the kids are. So no fun for a kid.

Plus, our son's sleepover friend barely knows us, let alone 4 other people and 2 small children who will suddenly be in the house. I don't think that's fair, they will feel, at best, uncomfortable.

If this has been mentioned and arranged in advance then I could have carved out some time. Admittedly, since stepping back from organising I've let them take a back seat in my head and didn't consider making the time for them, which is on me. I also feel that should have been considered by my partner and he shouldn't be giving me grief about it now though.....

So AIBU to ask my partner to sort seeing his family around our family plans rather than rearrange our plans, last minute, to suit them?
I feel like he's putting them above anyone in our own home because he didn't want to be the bad guy...... But he doesn't realise he's then putting his own family a very definite second place.

OP posts:
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WiddlinDiddlin · 08/02/2025 13:23

Dear fucking lord did someone leave the gate open at the cunty farm last night?

Theres nothing remotely unreasonable about suggesting people text to check others are home and available before popping round.

I've lived both ways - poppers in, and pre-arranged 'appointments' and theres a social contract there.

If you pop in, then theres a chance I won't be there, or you'll be turned away, or you'll be twiddling your thumbs whilst I finish my bath/shag/work/given a task to get on with whilst i finish what im doing.

If you make an appointment then yes, it's a bit less spontaneous but you are guaranteed ill be home and free to amuse you.

Sounds like OP's in-laws want the freedom to arrive unannounced AND for everyone to be present and able to drop everything and amuse.

And to be spiteful after OP's miscarriage is really rotten.

Applefumble · 08/02/2025 11:59

MellowCritic · 08/02/2025 09:25

You sound like a spiteful mother in law

Show quote history

I'm a daughter in law that puts the needs of my child above any difficulties I have with my MIL. Supportive extended family networks are really important for children.

VoodooRajin · 08/02/2025 11:33

I would probably just try and adapt and muck in, all part of the chaos of family life, the kids will be gone soon enough and your inlaws dead

DemonicCaveMaggot · 08/02/2025 11:01

CKN · 07/02/2025 20:21

Oh FFS the drama - when did it become necessary for family to make appointments to visit. Do you ever bring your children over to their grandparents houses? Your poor partner is caught between you and his parents and both you and his parents locking horns. There has to be give and take in families and the ones that are losing out are the kids.

Id love to be a fly on the wall listening to the other side of the story 🙄
Lifes too short for trivial drama

I don't think asking for a 10 minutes heads up before someone arrives is 'drama'.

Some people don't mind others coming around with no warning, other people like to plan their time ahead. Personally I like advance warning so I can have the good biscuits in and the house doesn't look like a craft store exploded in it.

Busywithsomething · 08/02/2025 10:51

If you want to keep the relationship with your kids going, they need to give you more notice or you/ your husband should be raising it early . Sorry I can't be any more help. This is doable, it's not rocket science. The next birthday/ Christmas/ anniversary etc looms, I would get in contact- ie, make husband get in contact- with them and get a convenient time arranged. Good luck !

Househunter2025 · 08/02/2025 10:33

Applefumble · 08/02/2025 08:43

You make arrangements with the most important people in your child's life first I.e. your husbands side of the family. Prioritising a random child that might not be in his life in a year is all wrong. You sound spiteful and like you want to punish them and have control over them.

Some old woman who never bothers to come round probably isn't that important to him. If grandparents want to be important they need to meet the child's parents halfway.

To OP I would say you are stuck with these in laws and with your partner. Rather than dwelling on past wrongs, think about what's best for your child and for you and how you can communicate to make that happen. Obviously your partner isn't going to bother.

I find it's best to be proactive and assertive while being polite and cheery. So, invite them round when it suits you, make arrangements in plenty of time, if you want to assert a boundary do it pleasantly.

In this scenario you have the choice of give in and change birthday plans, suggest meeting the next day, or leave it to your partner to sort (which takes control away from you).

They have probably made the suggestion of the birthday visit trying to make things right after the previous issues, so I wouldn't be too awkward.

MellowCritic · 08/02/2025 09:25

Applefumble · 08/02/2025 08:43

You make arrangements with the most important people in your child's life first I.e. your husbands side of the family. Prioritising a random child that might not be in his life in a year is all wrong. You sound spiteful and like you want to punish them and have control over them.

You sound like a spiteful mother in law

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:55

Screamingabdabz · 07/02/2025 21:42

Thats all very main character energy. So they come over and you’re watching a film? Big whoop. You’re having sex? Funny anecdote. You’re in your sloppy clothes? Who gives a shit? Jeez. No wonder your MIL stopped bothering.

I’m slightly more sympathetic about your not wanting them to hijack your kid’s birthday but this is where emotional intelligence helps. If you’d even met them half way along the line, and communicated with empathy and cooperation they might too. Yes, it’s DH job but you clearly married a dud and it’s you posting on MN about it.

That text you sent was awful - I wonder if you’ll be that MIL one day and I wonder how you’d feel? No, not the bravado answer ‘I’d be fine with it’ but the real sucker punch of some random telling you that you had to make an appointment to see your own flesh and blood…

Yabu.

Are you an entitled MIL by any chance...? It's not an appointment, it's called making arrangements. You think just because you're related you're entitled to barge in whenever you fancy?

Nationsss · 08/02/2025 08:55

Knock the Christmas entertaining on the head too.

Do nothing going forward.
Leave EVERYTHING to him.
Good luck, they sound awful.

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:51

Bigearringsbigsmile · 07/02/2025 21:07

You sound like a right piece of work. Your poor dh

What the hell are you on about?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/02/2025 08:51

But your DH really should step up and communicate with his family! It shouldn’t all sit with you.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/02/2025 08:50

I’m with you OP, I don’t like people turning up unannounced and so our families always give a quick check that it’s convenient. MIL has a key but even then would never just turn up without checking first.

I gave a key to my dad’s house, who only lives a few minutes away but I never just turn up. I think it’s rude to just turn up somewhere.

I think re birthdays you need to preempt it really. A couple of weeks before, ask them over at a time which suits you. Control the situation. If you wait then it’s kind of understandable that they’ll then ask the day before as they’ve not been offered a time.

Applefumble · 08/02/2025 08:43

You make arrangements with the most important people in your child's life first I.e. your husbands side of the family. Prioritising a random child that might not be in his life in a year is all wrong. You sound spiteful and like you want to punish them and have control over them.

Kitchensinktoday · 08/02/2025 08:41

It is very reasonable to ask for a quick text beforehand to check OP and family are free before coming over. It's OK to value your privacy. The drama is coming from MIL who has thrown her toys out of the pram and now refuses to visit at all. What an overreaction.

Totally agree

Thingamebobwotsit · 08/02/2025 08:35

Jackofallmasterofnone · 07/02/2025 20:17

I would absolutely do this, however, I'd prefer my partner to do it so we show some solidarity to the outside world and I'm not the big bad wolf all the time.

Show quote history

Yes he needs to sort it. His family. He sorts it. He is an adult.

We had this early on in our relationship, pre kids. Caused a few rows but DH eventually got the message. We do however have a shared calendar so at least we could see what the plans are and ask each other before committing.

bournevilleismyfavourite · 08/02/2025 08:33

Obviously their behaviour when you miscarried wasn’t great. I’m sorry about that.

With regards to the planning/dropping in- this is just a clash of culture/expectations. You like to plan but they like spontaneity. They feel that the shouldn’t have to make an appointment. My lovely SIL is not British and she explained how hard it was for her to adapt to this, she thought it was so strange and unwelcoming that people had to book in to see family. It’s worth thinking of it from their point of view.

If you don’t want this rift to deepen you need to think about how you can manage this. Good luck.

Goldengirl123 · 08/02/2025 08:31

Can’t you invite them over sometimes? It would then be convenient for you and they would feel welcome

FrenchandSaunders · 08/02/2025 08:27

I think it’s quite normal for family to want to pop in on a birthday, why make it so difficult?

MellowCritic · 08/02/2025 08:26

Op i use to have this exact same issue. The inlaws had zero respect for our space or plans. I made a point of arranging a day in advance for them to come over with a date and time inviting them over because they would ruin everything you planned. But why can't we pop over, go to the restaurant earlier, can't you go another day... comments like this that would drive me insane.
As for your husband, its his fault you're in this mess. Too much of a coward to open his mouth himself so you end up being the bad guy and on top of it all he has the nerve to be annoyed with you and not them. A reasonable person doesn't come over without asking first. You're not in the wrong op but sadly as they are all family they will gather round you like a pack of wolves rather then admit wrong doing.

MissUltraViolet · 08/02/2025 08:24

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting them to regularly just turn up with zero notice and expect to be hosted for a couple of hours. Where you fucked up is - you were the one to tell them to stop. That was 100% your DH’s job and if he hadn’t been such a wet wipe and left it to you, I suspect your relationship with your in laws would be a lot better.

As for the birthday - I think you should have organised it with family in mind and kept space in the day for them to be able to see DC. My DD is a self absorbed teen and even she wants to see grandparents on her birthday. But as it stands, DH should just respond and organise something for the day after once the friend has gone home, doesn’t need to be another big drama.

ScaryM0nster · 08/02/2025 08:12

You’re being unreasonable in deliberately letting it turn into a problem for every event.

You know it’s coming - you can include it in the planning for the day and get him to do the communicating.

Current set up is deliberately being difficult and regularly causing problems.

Mo819 · 08/02/2025 08:08

CKN · 07/02/2025 20:21

Oh FFS the drama - when did it become necessary for family to make appointments to visit. Do you ever bring your children over to their grandparents houses? Your poor partner is caught between you and his parents and both you and his parents locking horns. There has to be give and take in families and the ones that are losing out are the kids.

Id love to be a fly on the wall listening to the other side of the story 🙄
Lifes too short for trivial drama

This
My family walk in my house ,I walk in there's uninvited i wouldn't want it any other way.
No wonder your MIL is peeved.

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 08/02/2025 07:56

Devianinc · 08/02/2025 01:58

Why are you making life so hard. Have a family birthday party for your child. Pizzas fine. Ice cream cake. Omg. Life shouldn’t be this complicated.

Have you read any of the OPs threads properly?
Why should anyone put up with the drap she's been handed by the MiL?
A child gets a say in it's own boirthday, surely? Or do you think it's acceptable to force children into a family jelly and ice-cream scenario?

Throughahedgebackwards · 08/02/2025 07:38

Jackofallmasterofnone · 07/02/2025 21:17

Because of everything that has gone on I don't think I should be the one to message. Communication with me has been nil since the miscarriage because they're not wanting to address what they did and said.
The issue, to be fair, is with my partner not stepping up to manage this himself and instead starting an argument with me about it.

Show quote history

I agree with you that this should be on your husband to sort, but I like this message as it involves doing the bare minimum to ensure they get the message that it's not convenient for them to come over, while also passing the buck very clearly to your husband to make an arrangement with them. It sounds as though your husband will either do nothing or agree for them to come tomorrow (today?) otherwise.

OchoNaFanyaNini · 08/02/2025 07:06

@Jackofallmasterofnone

"you have asked them for an explanation of their behaviour"??!!!

God you're hard work. No wonder they don't want to pop round anymore.

Why are you making everything so difficult?!