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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is due to ADHD?

34 replies

Bollocksmorelike · 07/02/2025 19:50

My colleague has ADHD. It can be challenging to work with her as she talks over me, interrupts me and often stops listening as soon as she has finished her sentence, so if I talk she ain’t listening 😆. She struggles with time management and is quite chaotic.
But I like her, we are all fond of her in the office and support her as best we can.
Anyway, my question is, can the following be excused due to ADHD.
She will regularly suggest that I buy her a coffee, or a snack. Absolutely no problem, happy to do that. But then two/three hours later she will say she is popping out for a coffee/snack but won’t offer to get me anything. I have mentioned on her return (as she carries her hot coffee passed me) “oh, did you get me one?” and she looked genuinely shocked and said “oh god, I didn’t even think about you, I will go back and get you something “. Yet the habit doesn’t change.
This is not a financial issue, we have free drinks and snacks, but prefer the take aways from down the street.
It does feel like she is focused on getting her own drink and hasn’t thought about the etiquette involved. But my OH thinks she is just a CF and she knows exactly what she is doing.
So AIBU?
YABU…..she is totally taking the piss, deliberately.
YANBU…Cut her some slack, it’s the ADHD causing this.

OP posts:
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whatisforteamum · 08/02/2025 16:38

I have anxiety and potentially ADHD.
In ADHD the thoughts are not regulated and come at me all day long.
It's exhausting tbh.It is constant chatter.
I agree just tell her what you would like then see if she is trying to get free coffee with nothing in return.

Original poster
Bollocksmorelike · 08/02/2025 07:41

Tiredforfive45 · 07/02/2025 20:02

It sounds like their is more about inattentiveness and self-focus rather than deliberate selfishness. ADHD can definitely contribute to this—people with ADHD often struggle with social reciprocity, not because they don’t care, but because they’re hyper-focused on their own immediate needs and impulses. When she asks you to get her something, she’s in that moment thinking about what she wants, but when she goes to get herself a coffee, she’s likely just focused on her craving and not making the mental connection to offer you one.

That said, ADHD isn’t a free pass for everything. If this is happening repeatedly and she’s aware of it but still not making an effort to change, it might be worth addressing directly. Next time she forgets, instead of joking about it after the fact, you could try preempting it: “Oh, if you’re going out for a coffee, I’d love one too!” and see how she responds. If she still doesn’t get the hint, then maybe your OH is right, and she’s just a bit of a CF!

Thanks so much for this, it makes a lot of sense. “Hyper focused on their own immediate needs and impulses “ is exactly how I would describe her. Less compassionate people would describe her as selfish and thoughtless in lots of ways, as she does lack social skills. (Forgets to say “hello, how are you” in the morning and will just instantly start talking quite aggressively about work. “You need to do the filing and pricing this morning “, which understandably puts people’s backs up)
But it feels like she just doesn’t have room in her head for more stuff. The same in conversation, she is interested in saying her bit but no space to hear others. You can see when she has finished what she wants to say, she looks away and it feels like instantly her brain is on to something else. Whilst the poor person who thought they were in a conversation is still stood there, talking, participating, then realising she isn’t listening at all and has to walk off (looking confused if they don’t know her!).
I think it is important to be understanding though. She suffers from anxiety. I try to lead by example (I am very big on “good morning, how was your weekend” etc before she can get a word in with colleagues.)

OP posts:
whatisforteamum · 07/02/2025 21:44

I prefer to be left out of group drinks.
It's exhausting.

MammaTo · 07/02/2025 21:43

She sounds extremely rude, ADHD or not. It’s an explanation, not an excuse. Someone telling you to go the cafe for them and then not offering a drink in return or money is a joke.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 07/02/2025 21:27

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2025 21:13

If she is like me she is thinking of all the steps here is my routine.
Get cup.Coffee and sweetener.
Grab my coat and phone for time check.
All while my brain is noisy.
Have t break and reverse scenario.Put coat back.Loo and hand wash.
Trying to fit in other people's needs is just more on the to do list.

If so, she ought to stop asking OP to buy her snacks and drinks then.

ADHD might explain why she forgets (every single time) but it doesn’t excuse the fact she still carries on expecting food and drink from OP and never reciprocates.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 07/02/2025 21:26

I have ADHD, sometimes I just don't think about things, but I would really appreciate you saying "when you get your coffee at 11, could you get me one too please", I don't do reading situations very well, but I respond well to directly being asked.

A common trait for us is also having a thought triggered in our brain when someone else is talking and waiting for our turn to talk rather than engaging in conversation. It's not to be rude, but it's just our brains being pretty chaotic and not wanting to lose that train of thought.

SnoopysHoose · 07/02/2025 21:24

CF, actually telling you to
go to the cafe yet sneaks off to get herself stuff. Start saying no or ask her for £

XenoBitch · 07/02/2025 21:20

Both things can be true... that it is down to her ADHD, and she is also a CF.

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 21:19

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2025 21:13

If she is like me she is thinking of all the steps here is my routine.
Get cup.Coffee and sweetener.
Grab my coat and phone for time check.
All while my brain is noisy.
Have t break and reverse scenario.Put coat back.Loo and hand wash.
Trying to fit in other people's needs is just more on the to do list.

But would you be happy/expect to do that while expecting others to meet your needs?

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 21:18

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 07/02/2025 20:01

No she just sounds rude. I would stop buying her coffee and a snack if she’s too tight to ever get you one

This, she's absolutely selfish and rude, and sounds appalling me-centric!
Am so bored now with such behaviour which seems to be 'I'm going to behave awfully then 'reasons' mean you can't address it!

whatisforteamum · 07/02/2025 21:13

If she is like me she is thinking of all the steps here is my routine.
Get cup.Coffee and sweetener.
Grab my coat and phone for time check.
All while my brain is noisy.
Have t break and reverse scenario.Put coat back.Loo and hand wash.
Trying to fit in other people's needs is just more on the to do list.

Jk987 · 07/02/2025 21:11

Suggesting that you buy her a drink is plain rude! Can't blame ADHD for that one!

ObviouslyBlooming · 07/02/2025 21:00

The fact she is happy to go back to get you a coffee tells me it’s her being inattentive, head in the clouds type of scenario rather than being a CF.

Id spark her if you want a coffee and you see her going that way.
And I’d avoid mentioning ‘oh did you get for me too’ as it must make her feel pretty shit of not having thought about it.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 07/02/2025 20:56

Another AuDHD person here. I mean... does it matter why she's behaving rudely? She is, so adapt your behaviour accordingly. "Ooh, it's because of my ADHD" gets old very quickly.

alwaysworthatry · 07/02/2025 20:51

honestly I'd forgive it. i have adhd and it genuinely doesn't occur to me to offer a lot of the time. A lot of people with adhd ignore their own personal needs until they're desperate (hunger, toilet, thirst) so by the point its clicked for them, thats all they can think of. fulfilling their own needs instead of thinking about others. if you asked directly though I'm sure they'd be happy to get you something.

You may find that they get you one next time anyway as adhd people will also often ruminate and worry about offending people after the fact.

Original poster
Bollocksmorelike · 07/02/2025 20:47

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify a few things!
I am not harbouring a grudge or getting annoyed 😆. It is more an observation, I am interested more than irritated, and I like to understand my colleagues better if I can.
I always offer if I am going but she suggests it to me, so I may say I am just popping to my car to get something and she will say “oh maybe you could go to the cafe whilst you are out, grab us coffee and cake”.
I do ask if she says she is going but often she says it to another colleague as she is leaving the next room. Or she will get it delivered without mentioning it.
I’m definitely not being weird and quietly sitting there waiting to be seen 😆

OP posts:
Amanitacae · 07/02/2025 20:42

YourTruthorMine · 07/02/2025 20:25

I have ADHD and autistic traits and would 100% buy you the coffee, I might not offer you a lift, as driving to new places would set off a panic attack

Agree also 100% re. this sentiment about the lift!!!

Amanitacae · 07/02/2025 20:41

I've got AuDHD - 100% this could be me.

By the time I've realised that I need to head out for lunch, water, coffee, toilet, whatever, because my body's signals have FINALLY created a strong enough signal to make me aware of it (usually minimum of 2 hours after I should have considered the action) I am so focussed on what I need, with the knowledge that if I get derailed again I might not do 'the thing' for another 2 hours, that asking someone else what they need wouldn't be front of my head.

I would be delighted though, if someone interrupted that with 'oooh could you get my XYZ' offering me the chance to help/offer/be generous when my own brains power doesn't always allow for that to happen.

crankytoes · 07/02/2025 20:31

she will say she is popping out for a coffee/snack but won’t offer to get me anything
So why don't you ask her then? Like she does you.

Why are you just quietly waiting in the hopes she'll think of you. It is very adhd to get singularly focussed and not think of anything outside of that.

When she says she's popping out just ask her. It's weird waiting fir her to get back to ask

Createausername1970 · 07/02/2025 20:31

Yes it could be. Or she could be stingy.

Either way, knock it on the head. Wait for her to go the the shop and ask her to get you something. Tell her it's her turn. Be polite but spell it out. If it is ADHD she will possibly look a bit surprised/confused, but will realise. If she is being stingy she will probably look cross or annoyed.

YourTruthorMine · 07/02/2025 20:25

I have ADHD and autistic traits and would 100% buy you the coffee, I might not offer you a lift, as driving to new places would set off a panic attack

Fayruh · 07/02/2025 20:22

My friend has adhd and has also never offered to buy me anything from the shop, even though I have before. Also we both went to a party recently and I overheard him tell a colleague he would offer me a lift so I could drink, as he wouldn't be drinking that night. Well, he never offered me that lift so I had to ask him for it 😂 he must have just forgot, so I do think these things could be due to adhd.

arcticpandas · 07/02/2025 20:19

Just ask her! Obviously she is a bit in her own world and doesn't think about others so just tell her straight out to get you a coffee.

xyz111 · 07/02/2025 20:17

LadyQuackBeth · 07/02/2025 20:08

I wouldn't put it down to cheekiness, you just communicate differently. She asks directly, so expects you to ask directly if you want something.

If she's ND it might explain why she's not picking up on your method of communicating, if there's one.

Try asking instead of harbouring a grudge, it's better all round.

Agree.

op, just ask her to get you something!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2025 20:16

She asks, but doesn't offer. Can you apply the same logic? Ask.

ND people struggle with mind-reading. She's happy to ask, she should be happy for you to ask.